In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age from work outweigh the disadvantages?
In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age from work outweigh the disadvantages?
Nowadays, some goverments have come through the policy of rising the ages of retirement because of economical issues. While I accept that the longer working- ages brings demerits for old ladies, I believe this can be more belefical for the improvement of country.
In the one hand, people raise the awareness of working ages increasing, especially the older. In fact, there is an slight increase by 3-4 years for both gender, to nearly 65 and 58 for males and females respectively. Getting older and older, they think that pressure from work result in health problems such as respiratory , heart attack or digestion. For example, many workers have faced up to many symtoms related to body like lung cancer, ear throat even deaf, poor eyesight afer retiring in factory.
However, I support the idea that the rising retirement ages might have a favourable impact on society and economy of their countries. First of all, there will be a sighnificant climb of the number of workers in all careers. Therefore, this could not only drop the unemployment rate but also maitain the high quality workers who have many experiments in the long period. What is more, almost many old workers wish to devote to the own work they have grown attach. Many companies will reduce the problem of recruitment while they have their essential long-term people.
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Errors and Improvements:
- "goverments" -> "governments"
Explanation: "Goverments" is misspelled. "Governments" is the correct spelling, maintaining formal accuracy in the essay. - "rising the ages of retirement" -> "increasing the retirement age"
Explanation: "Rising the ages of retirement" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Increasing the retirement age" is a clearer and more concise phrase, fitting for formal writing. - "While I accept that the longer working-ages brings demerits for old ladies" -> "While I acknowledge that extending the working age may have disadvantages for older individuals"
Explanation: "Demerits for old ladies" is too informal and gender-specific. "Older individuals" is a more inclusive and appropriate term. Additionally, "brings" should be "bring" for subject-verb agreement. The revised sentence maintains formality and clarity. - "belefical" -> "beneficial"
Explanation: "Belefical" is misspelled. "Beneficial" is the correct spelling, maintaining proper language usage. - "In the one hand" -> "On the one hand"
Explanation: "In the one hand" is grammatically incorrect. "On the one hand" is the appropriate phrase to introduce the first point in a contrastive argument. - "people raise the awareness of working ages increasing" -> "people are becoming more aware of the increasing retirement age"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and lacks clarity. "People are becoming more aware of the increasing retirement age" is a clearer and more grammatically correct expression. - "In fact, there is an slight increase by 3-4 years for both gender" -> "Indeed, there has been a slight increase of 3-4 years for both genders"
Explanation: "In fact" is replaced with "Indeed" for a stronger transition. "An slight increase" is corrected to "a slight increase" for proper article usage. "Both gender" should be "both genders" for plural agreement. The revised sentence maintains formal language and clarity. - "Getting older and older, they think that pressure from work result in health problems" -> "As individuals age, they believe that work-related pressure results in health problems"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and uses informal language. The revised sentence provides a clearer expression while maintaining formality. - "many symtoms related to body like lung cancer, ear throat even deaf, poor eyesight afer retiring in factory" -> "many health issues such as lung cancer, ear infections, hearing loss, and poor eyesight after retiring from factory work"
Explanation: "Symtoms" is misspelled. "Related to body like lung cancer, ear throat even deaf, poor eyesight" is unclear and awkward. The revised sentence provides a clearer and more specific description of health issues related to factory work, using proper terminology and phrasing. - "rising retirement ages might have a favourable impact on society and economy of their countries" -> "increasing retirement ages might positively impact the societies and economies of their countries"
Explanation: "Rising retirement ages" is replaced with "increasing retirement ages" for clarity. "Favourable impact" is changed to "positively impact" for more precise language. The revised sentence maintains formality while enhancing clarity. - "there will be a sighnificant climb of the number of workers in all careers" -> "there will be a significant increase in the number of workers across all professions"
Explanation: "Sighnificant" is misspelled. "Climb of the number of workers" is awkward phrasing. "Increase in the number of workers across all professions" is a clearer and more formal expression. - "this could not only drop the unemployment rate but also maitain the high quality workers" -> "this could not only reduce the unemployment rate but also retain high-quality workers"
Explanation: "Drop" is replaced with "reduce" for more formal language. "Maitain" is misspelled and should be "maintain." The revised sentence maintains formality and clarity. - "who have many experiments in the long period" -> "who have extensive experience over the years"
Explanation: "Many experiments" is incorrect in this context. "Extensive experience" is a more appropriate and formal phrase. The revised sentence improves clarity and maintains academic style. - "What is more, almost many old workers wish to devote to the own work they have grown attach." -> "Furthermore, many older workers wish to continue dedicating themselves to the work they have become attached to."
Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and unclear. "Almost many" is redundant. "To the own work" is grammatically incorrect. "They have grown attach" should be "they have become attached." The revised sentence provides a clearer and more formal expression of the idea.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9
Band Score for Task Response: 9 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age but lacks depth in discussing these aspects. While it mentions health concerns for older workers as a disadvantage and highlights the potential benefits for the economy and society, the discussion remains superficial.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should provide a more comprehensive analysis of the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. It could delve deeper into the specific impacts on individuals, the workforce, and society as a whole. Providing more concrete examples and statistics would strengthen the argument and demonstrate a thorough understanding of the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a somewhat clear position in favor of raising the retirement age. It asserts that increasing the retirement age can be beneficial for the country’s improvement and briefly outlines potential advantages such as maintaining experienced workers and reducing unemployment.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should explicitly state and consistently reinforce its stance on the issue throughout the essay. It should avoid ambiguity and ensure that each paragraph contributes to reinforcing the chosen position. Additionally, providing more detailed reasoning and evidence to support the position would strengthen the argument.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks development and support. It briefly mentions the increase in retirement age and its potential impacts on health and the economy, but these points are not thoroughly explored or supported with evidence. There is a need for further elaboration and examples to strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should extend and support its ideas with relevant evidence, examples, and logical reasoning. Each idea presented should be elaborated upon to provide a deeper understanding of its significance and implications. Providing real-life examples, statistical data, or expert opinions can help substantiate the arguments and make them more compelling.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but lacks coherence in some areas. It discusses the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age but occasionally veers off track with unclear or irrelevant points, such as mentioning specific health issues without further elaboration.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that each paragraph and sentence directly contributes to addressing the essay prompt. It should avoid tangential discussions and irrelevant details that detract from the main argument. Clear topic sentences and logical transitions between ideas can help maintain coherence and relevance. Additionally, revising and editing for clarity and conciseness can improve overall coherence and readability.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. There is an attempt to present arguments both in favor of and against raising the retirement age. However, the transitions between ideas are somewhat abrupt, leading to a slightly disjointed flow. For instance, the essay begins with an introduction discussing the policy of raising the retirement age, then transitions abruptly to discussing the disadvantages for older individuals, and finally shifts to the advantages for society and the economy. This lack of smooth transitions impacts the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should establish a clear and coherent structure from introduction to conclusion. Each paragraph should smoothly connect to the next, with clear transitions guiding the reader through the argumentative points. Consider using topic sentences to introduce each paragraph’s main idea and concluding sentences to summarize and transition to the next point.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness are inconsistent. Each paragraph addresses a different aspect of the topic, but there is room for improvement in coherence within paragraphs. For example, the second paragraph discusses the disadvantages of raising the retirement age, but the points could be further developed and organized within the paragraph for clarity and coherence.
- How to improve: Focus on developing well-structured paragraphs that each address a single main point related to the topic. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting details and examples. Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next, maintaining coherence and cohesion throughout the essay.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay makes an attempt to use cohesive devices to connect ideas, but the range and effectiveness are limited. Some cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases (‘on the one hand’, ‘first of all’), are used, but their integration into the essay is somewhat forced and lacks subtlety. Additionally, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, leading to a repetitive and simplistic use of transitions.
- How to improve: To improve coherence and cohesion, diversify the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. Incorporate a variety of transitional words and phrases (e.g., furthermore, however, consequently) to create smoother transitions between ideas. Ensure that cohesive devices are used naturally to enhance the flow of the essay rather than being inserted abruptly. Additionally, pay attention to parallel structure and coherence within sentences to maintain clarity and readability.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some varied word choices and phrases used throughout. For instance, terms like "demerits," "beneficial," "awareness," "significant climb," "unemployment rate," and "recruitment" contribute to a varied lexical repertoire. However, there are instances where simpler language or repetitive word choices are utilized, limiting the diversity of vocabulary. For example, the repetition of "ages" could be replaced with synonyms such as "retirement years" or "working years" to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To further enrich the essay’s lexical resource, consider incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary and phrasing where appropriate. Utilize synonyms and antonyms to express ideas in different ways and avoid repetitive language. Additionally, aim to incorporate domain-specific terminology relevant to the topic to showcase depth of vocabulary knowledge.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some precision in vocabulary usage, with certain terms used accurately to convey meaning. For instance, words like "merits," "demerits," "recruitment," and "unemployment rate" are employed correctly within the context. However, there are instances where imprecise language or inaccuracies detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "many experiments in the long period" lacks precision and clarity, requiring clarification or a more precise term.
- How to improve: Aim for greater precision in vocabulary selection by carefully choosing words that precisely convey intended meanings. Avoid vague or ambiguous language by opting for specific terms that accurately capture the intended message. Use context clues to ensure that chosen words align with the overall tone and purpose of the essay.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates satisfactory spelling accuracy, with most words spelled correctly. However, there are several instances of spelling errors and typographical mistakes throughout the text. For example, "goverments" should be "governments," "belefical" should be "beneficial," "sighnificant" should be "significant," "experiments" should be "experience," and "maitain" should be "maintain." These errors, while not overly pervasive, detract from the overall professionalism and clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools or proofreading techniques to identify and correct errors before submitting the essay. Additionally, practice spelling commonly misspelled words and pay attention to frequently confused words to improve overall spelling proficiency. Developing a habit of reviewing written work for spelling errors can help maintain a high standard of accuracy.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is a tendency towards simpler structures, and some sentences lack complexity and sophistication. For instance, the essay predominantly uses simple sentences, such as "While I accept that the longer working ages brings demerits for old ladies, I believe this can be more beneficial for the improvement of the country." There is also a lack of variety in clause structures and sentence beginnings.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical range and complexity, the writer should aim to incorporate a wider variety of sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences and parallel structures. Additionally, varying the length and rhythm of sentences can add richness to the writing. For example, instead of using solely simple sentences, the writer could experiment with complex sentences by combining independent clauses with dependent clauses, thus creating more intricate and nuanced expressions.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable grammatical errors and inconsistencies in punctuation. There are instances of subject-verb agreement errors (e.g., "Nowadays, some governments have come through the policy of rising the ages of retirement because of economical issues.") and tense inconsistencies (e.g., "people raise the awareness" should be "people are becoming more aware"). Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas before introductory phrases and conjunctions (e.g., "While I accept…"), and incorrect usage of commas (e.g., "a favourable impact on society and economy of their countries" should be "a favourable impact on the society and economy of their countries,") and apostrophes (e.g., "own work they have grown attach" should be "own work they have grown attached to").
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on mastering basic grammar rules, such as subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and punctuation. Proofreading carefully can help identify and correct errors. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors on grammar and punctuation can provide valuable insights for improvement. Practicing grammar exercises and referring to reliable grammar resources can also aid in strengthening grammatical skills.
Bài sửa mẫu
Nowadays, some governments have implemented policies to increase the retirement age due to economic concerns. While I acknowledge that extending working years may pose challenges for elderly individuals, I believe it can significantly benefit the country’s development.
On one hand, there is growing awareness about the rise in retirement age, particularly among older individuals. In fact, there has been a slight increase of 3-4 years for both genders, with the retirement age reaching nearly 65 for males and 58 for females, respectively. As people age, they often experience work-related stress, which can lead to health issues such as respiratory problems, heart attacks, or digestive disorders. For instance, many retirees from factories have reported various health symptoms like lung cancer, ear and throat issues, even deafness, and poor eyesight.
However, I support the notion that increasing the retirement age could have positive effects on society and the economy of countries. Firstly, there would be a significant increase in the workforce across all sectors. This not only helps in reducing unemployment rates but also maintains a pool of experienced workers who have accumulated valuable skills over the years. Furthermore, many elderly workers desire to continue contributing in the fields they are passionate about. By allowing them to do so, companies can alleviate recruitment challenges while retaining essential long-term employees.
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