In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised.
Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages?

In today’s world, it is normal to witness the increasing trend in age of retiring from work in many countries. This phenomenon induces vast of positive impacts such as an ample provision for human resource, whose knowledge and experience are always useful in many circumstances. Despite this, I align with people who supposed that the older the workers, the more competitive on the labor market for the young generation, which is a negative result caused by this tendency. Analyzing both sides of the argument will clarify my contention.

From the advantaged perspective, the raise of the retiring age provides the more bounteous choices for the economy. In many cases, it is difficult to recruit a suitable candidate due to the limitation in the regulated age; however, this could be handled by the expansion of work ages. For example, some special positions like senior managers might be sustained despite excessing the regulated age because it is hard to inherit by the younger employees. This illustration highlighted the positive impacts of widening of retiring age on the human resource, especially for the important roles.

On the other hand, many people concern that this tendency causes more pressure for the young laborers on the market. This could be recognized from the reality that many graduated students are becoming more difficult to find a suitable job due to the higher competitiveness. In case of Vietnam, a survey showed that the unemployment rate was relentlessly increased in the recent years, which might be partly contributed from the loosening of the work ages. This evidence strongly reinforces my contention that the disadvantages is more worth considering than the advantages.

In conclusion, given that the retiring ages is extending, it is more available opportunities provisioned for both the old employees and the recruiters. Despite this, the disadvantages might outweigh the advantages, especially the toughness in gaining a good job for the young laborers. It is suggested that the governing should balance between expanding retiring ages and providing sufficient jobs for the young employees.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s world" -> "In contemporary society"
   Explanation: "In contemporary society" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the essay.

2. "it is normal to witness the increasing trend in age of retiring from work" -> "it is common to observe an increasing trend towards retirement at an older age"
   Explanation: The revised phrase clarifies the direction of the trend and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.

3. "vast of positive impacts" -> "numerous positive impacts"
   Explanation: "Numerous" is more precise and academically appropriate than "vast," which can be vague and informal.

4. "whose knowledge and experience are always useful" -> "whose knowledge and experience are consistently valuable"
   Explanation: "Consistently valuable" is more specific and formal than "always useful," which is somewhat colloquial.

5. "supposed that" -> "believe that"
   Explanation: "Believe" is more direct and formal than "supposed," which can imply a less certain or hypothetical belief.

6. "the more competitive on the labor market for the young generation" -> "more competitive in the labor market for younger generations"
   Explanation: "In the labor market for younger generations" is grammatically correct and maintains a formal tone.

7. "the raise of the retiring age" -> "the increase in retirement age"
   Explanation: "Increase in retirement age" is a more precise and formal expression than "the raise of the retiring age."

8. "the more bounteous choices" -> "greater opportunities"
   Explanation: "Greater opportunities" is a more formal and precise term than "more bounteous choices," which is somewhat informal and vague.

9. "due to the limitation in the regulated age" -> "due to the restrictions imposed by age regulations"
   Explanation: "Restrictions imposed by age regulations" is more specific and formal, improving clarity and precision.

10. "excessing the regulated age" -> "exceeding the regulated age"
    Explanation: "Exceeding" is the correct verb form for this context, replacing the incorrect "excessing."

11. "it is hard to inherit by the younger employees" -> "it is difficult for younger employees to inherit"
    Explanation: "It is difficult for younger employees to inherit" corrects the awkward and incorrect original phrasing.

12. "many people concern" -> "many people are concerned"
    Explanation: "Are concerned" is grammatically correct and more formal than "concern," which is a noun form.

13. "the disadvantages is more worth considering" -> "the disadvantages are more significant"
    Explanation: "Are more significant" corrects the grammatical error and uses a more formal term than "more worth considering."

14. "it is more available opportunities provisioned" -> "there are more opportunities available"
    Explanation: "There are more opportunities available" corrects the awkward and incorrect original phrasing, improving clarity and formality.

15. "the disadvantages might outweigh the advantages" -> "the disadvantages may outweigh the advantages"
    Explanation: "May" is more formal than "might" in academic writing, and the phrase is grammatically correct.

16. "the toughness in gaining a good job" -> "the challenges in securing employment"
    Explanation: "The challenges in securing employment" is a more formal and precise way to express the difficulties faced by young laborers.

17. "the governing should balance" -> "governments should balance"
    Explanation: "Governments" is the correct plural form for a general recommendation, enhancing the formality and universality of the statement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age, which is a key requirement of the prompt. The author discusses the benefits of retaining experienced workers and the challenges faced by younger job seekers. However, the discussion of advantages is somewhat limited and lacks depth, as it primarily focuses on one main point regarding human resources without exploring other potential benefits, such as economic impacts or societal benefits.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should aim to explore a broader range of advantages associated with raising the retirement age. This could include discussing the financial implications for pension systems, the potential for older workers to mentor younger employees, and the societal value of experienced workers remaining in the workforce. A more balanced exploration of both sides would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the disadvantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the advantages. This stance is maintained throughout the essay, particularly in the concluding remarks. However, the phrasing in some sections, such as "I align with people who supposed that the older the workers, the more competitive on the labor market for the young generation," could be clearer and more assertive.
  • How to improve: The writer should strive for more precise language to articulate their position. Instead of using vague phrases like "I align with people who supposed," the author could state, "I believe that raising the retirement age creates significant challenges for younger workers." This would enhance clarity and assertiveness in the argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas related to both the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age. However, the support for these ideas is uneven. The advantages are briefly mentioned, while the disadvantages are elaborated upon with specific examples, such as the unemployment rate in Vietnam. This imbalance can lead to a perception that the disadvantages are more thoroughly considered than the advantages.
  • How to improve: To improve this aspect, the writer should aim to provide more examples and evidence for the advantages discussed. This could include statistics on the benefits of experienced workers in the economy or case studies from countries that have successfully managed an older workforce. Additionally, ensuring that each point is well-supported with relevant examples will strengthen the overall argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic and addresses the prompt effectively. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharpened. For instance, the phrase "the older the workers, the more competitive on the labor market for the young generation" could be better connected to the overall argument about the implications of raising the retirement age.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each argument back to the prompt, reinforcing how each point contributes to the overall analysis of the issue.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of both sides, clearer articulation of the position, and stronger support for the ideas presented.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by stating the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized to first discuss the advantages of raising the retirement age, followed by the disadvantages. However, the transition between the two perspectives could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "On the other hand" is used, but the connection between the two paragraphs could be more explicit to enhance logical flow.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer transition phrases that explicitly relate the two sides of the argument. For example, after discussing the advantages, a transition could summarize the key point before introducing the disadvantages, such as "While the benefits are significant, it is crucial to consider the potential drawbacks that arise from this trend."

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the advantages, while the second addresses the disadvantages. However, the paragraphs could be further strengthened by ensuring that each one begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea of the paragraph. For instance, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "One significant advantage of raising the retirement age is the increased availability of experienced workers."
  • How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph contains supporting details that directly relate to the topic sentence, which will help maintain focus and coherence throughout the paragraph.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "despite this," "on the other hand," and "for example," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from more varied expressions to enhance cohesion. For instance, the phrase "this could be handled" could be replaced with "this challenge can be addressed" to improve clarity and flow.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, use "Furthermore," "Moreover," or "In addition" to introduce additional points, and "Conversely," "Nevertheless," or "Nonetheless" to present contrasting ideas. This will not only enhance the cohesion of the essay but also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view. By focusing on improving the logical flow between paragraphs, strengthening paragraph structure with clear topic sentences, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with some effective phrases such as "increasing trend," "ample provision," and "higher competitiveness." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks variety, such as the repeated use of "retiring age" and "young generation." This limits the overall lexical richness of the essay.
  • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeating "retiring age," alternatives like "retirement age," "age of retirement," or "age threshold for retirement" could be used. Additionally, using more varied phrases to describe the job market and its challenges would improve lexical diversity.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are also instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "vast of positive impacts" is incorrect; it should be "a vast number of positive impacts." Similarly, "the older the workers, the more competitive on the labor market for the young generation" lacks clarity and could be rephrased for better precision.
  • How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For instance, instead of "the older the workers," a clearer phrase could be "older workers." Furthermore, reviewing phrases for grammatical correctness and clarity will enhance precision. Engaging with vocabulary exercises that focus on context and usage can also help improve this aspect.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "excessing" (which should be "exceeding") and "the disadvantages is" (which should be "the disadvantages are"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy. This could include reading the essay aloud to catch errors, using spell-check tools, or writing drafts and revising them after a break to see the text with fresh eyes. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and reviewing spelling rules can further enhance spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there are areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional phrases. For instance, phrases like "Despite this, I align with people who supposed that…" and "This could be recognized from the reality that…" show an attempt to use more sophisticated grammatical forms. However, there are instances of awkward phrasing and incorrect verb forms, such as "the older the workers, the more competitive on the labor market for the young generation," which could be better structured for clarity and grammatical accuracy.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety and effectiveness of sentence structures, the writer should practice using more varied conjunctions and transition phrases to connect ideas smoothly. Additionally, incorporating more complex structures, such as relative clauses and varied sentence beginnings, would enrich the writing. For example, instead of saying "the raise of the retiring age provides the more bounteous choices for the economy," the writer could say, "Raising the retirement age not only increases the choices available to the economy but also enhances the workforce’s experience."

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, "the raise of the retiring age" should be "the raising of the retirement age," and "the disadvantages is more worth considering" should be "the disadvantages are more worth considering." Additionally, the phrase "the more competitive on the labor market for the young generation" is grammatically incorrect and lacks a verb. Punctuation is generally correct, but there are instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "especially for the important roles" in the second paragraph.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and correct verb forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on common errors, will be beneficial. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules and practicing sentence separation can enhance clarity. For instance, breaking complex sentences into simpler ones can help avoid confusion and ensure that each idea is clearly articulated. Reading more academic essays can also provide insight into proper grammatical usage and punctuation.

By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy in future IELTS essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, it is normal to witness the increasing trend in the age of retiring from work in many countries. This phenomenon induces numerous positive impacts, such as an ample provision for human resources, whose knowledge and experience are always useful in many circumstances. Despite this, I align with those who believe that the older the workers, the more competitive they become in the labor market for the younger generation, which is a negative result caused by this tendency. Analyzing both sides of the argument will clarify my contention.

From the advantageous perspective, the increase in the retirement age provides greater opportunities for the economy. In many cases, it is difficult to recruit a suitable candidate due to the restrictions imposed by age regulations; however, this could be handled by the expansion of work ages. For example, some special positions, like senior managers, might be sustained despite exceeding the regulated age because it is hard for younger employees to inherit these roles. This illustration highlights the positive impacts of widening the retirement age on human resources, especially for important roles.

On the other hand, many people are concerned that this tendency causes more pressure for young laborers in the market. This can be recognized from the reality that many graduated students are finding it increasingly difficult to secure a suitable job due to higher competitiveness. In the case of Vietnam, a survey showed that the unemployment rate has relentlessly increased in recent years, which might be partly contributed to by the loosening of work age regulations. This evidence strongly reinforces my contention that the disadvantages are more significant than the advantages.

In conclusion, given that the retirement age is extending, there are more opportunities available for both older employees and recruiters. Despite this, the disadvantages may outweigh the advantages, especially the challenges in securing employment for young laborers. It is suggested that governments should balance expanding retirement ages and providing sufficient jobs for young employees.