In many countries today, the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In this day and age, there has been an increase in the number of ages which allow individuals to retire. This essay will present the author’s perspective on the idea that the disadvantages overshadow the positive outcomes.
To begin with, the benefits of raising career longevity are attributed to the elderly’s financial independence. To specify, the old populations in some nations would possess monthly personal incomes, thanks to the policies to raise the retirement age, thus reducing the risk of financial struggle and putting less reliance on the young. This results in the reduction in the caring expenses for the elderly, hence placing fewer burdens on the society. Another advantage of this development is the exchange of experience between generations. It is undeniable that the elderly are greatly experienced, which facilitates young generations to acquire invaluable knowledge from them.
Despite acknowledging the aforementioned rationales, I still hold a view that the demerits of this phenomenon should be more emphasised. The first justification is the deterioration of health. To elaborate, the aging populations are potentially put in severe predicaments, particularly health-related issues, when attempting to maintain their productivity. Moreover, due to the heavy workloads, their vulnerability to illnesses is exacerbated, entailing several unforeseen consequences. The second reason supporting my view is the uncertainty of the old’s work efficiency. Specifically, people, when getting older, are incapable of ensuring their flexibility and work effectiveness, thereby having negative implications on the development of the businesses.
To sum up, while the raise of the retirement age in many countries offers some notable merits, such as the elderly’s financial stability and the conveyance of experience, I still claim that the drawbacks of this policy are more prominent. This stems from the adverse problems, including the old’s health exacerbation and the lack of work productivity.

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Errors and Improvements:

"In this day and age" -> "Currently" or "Presently"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial phrase better suited for informal contexts. "Currently" or "Presently" maintains a formal tone and is more appropriate for academic writing.
"there has been an increase in the number of ages which allow individuals to retire" -> "there has been a rise in the retirement age"
Explanation: "Number of ages which allow individuals to retire" is an awkward phrase. "Rise in the retirement age" is a clearer and more concise alternative, fitting better within the context of discussing retirement policies.
"This essay will present the author’s perspective on the idea that the disadvantages overshadow the positive outcomes" -> "This essay will discuss the perspective that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits."
Explanation: The phrase "disadvantages overshadow the positive outcomes" is slightly awkward. "Disadvantages outweigh the benefits" is a more direct and academic way to convey the same meaning.
"To begin with" -> "Firstly" or "First and foremost"
Explanation: "To begin with" is a casual transition phrase. "Firstly" or "First and foremost" are more appropriate in academic writing to introduce points or arguments.
"To specify" -> "Specifically" or "To elaborate"
Explanation: "To specify" is less formal and slightly redundant. "Specifically" or "To elaborate" are clearer and more precise alternatives.
"old populations" -> "elderly populations" or "aging populations"
Explanation: "Old populations" is not as respectful or precise. "Elderly populations" or "Aging populations" are more appropriate terms when referring to older demographics.
"would possess monthly personal incomes" -> "may have monthly personal incomes"
Explanation: "Would possess" sounds speculative and less formal. "May have" is a more appropriate and neutral phrase for academic writing.
"the policies to raise the retirement age" -> "policies aimed at increasing the retirement age"
Explanation: "The policies to raise" is awkward. "Policies aimed at increasing" is a clearer and more formal way to express the same idea.
"thus reducing the risk of financial struggle and putting less reliance on the young" -> "thereby reducing financial insecurity and decreasing dependence on the younger population"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision and is somewhat informal. The suggested alternative is more concise and formal, better suited for academic writing.
"caring expenses" -> "care expenses"
Explanation: "Caring expenses" is less precise. "Care expenses" is a more direct and appropriate term.
"Another advantage of this development is the exchange of experience between generations" -> "Furthermore, this development facilitates intergenerational knowledge exchange"
Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat repetitive and lacks precision. The suggested alternative is clearer and more concise, maintaining a formal tone.
"Despite acknowledging the aforementioned rationales" -> "Despite recognizing the aforementioned reasons"
Explanation: "Rationales" is less common in academic writing. "Reasons" is a simpler and more appropriate term.
"The first justification is the deterioration of health" -> "Firstly, health deterioration is a significant concern"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks clarity and conciseness. The suggested alternative is more direct and formal.
"the aging populations" -> "aging population"
Explanation: "The aging populations" should be singular to match the singular subject "population."
"potentially put in severe predicaments" -> "potentially facing severe challenges"
Explanation: "Put in severe predicaments" is less precise. "Facing severe challenges" is a clearer and more formal alternative.
"Moreover, due to the heavy workloads" -> "Furthermore, because of heavy workloads"
Explanation: "Moreover, due to" is awkward and redundant. "Furthermore, because of" is a clearer and more concise phrase.
"entailing several unforeseen consequences" -> "resulting in various unforeseen consequences"
Explanation: "Entailing" is slightly informal. "Resulting in" is a more formal and appropriate phrase.
"people, when getting older" -> "individuals as they age"
Explanation: "People, when getting older" is informal and awkward. "Individuals as they age" is a clearer and more formal alternative.
"are incapable of ensuring their flexibility" -> "may experience a decline in flexibility"
Explanation: "Are incapable of ensuring" is overly wordy. "May experience a decline in" is a simpler and more appropriate phrase.
"To sum up" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: "To sum up" is slightly informal. "In conclusion" is a standard and formal way to signal the end of an essay.
"while the raise of the retirement age" -> "while raising the retirement age"
Explanation: "The raise of the retirement age" is awkward phrasing. "Raising the retirement age" is more concise and grammatically correct.
"I still claim" -> "I maintain"
Explanation: "I still claim" is less formal. "I maintain" is a more appropriate phrase in academic writing.
"This stems from the adverse problems" -> "This is due to the negative consequences"
Explanation: "This stems from the adverse problems" is redundant and awkward. "This is due to the negative consequences" is a clearer and more concise alternative.
"including the old’s health exacerbation" -> "including exacerbation of health issues in the elderly"
Explanation: "The old’s health exacerbation" is awkward and imprecise. "Exacerbation of health issues in the elderly" is clearer and more formal.
"and the lack of work productivity" -> "and decreased work productivity"
Explanation: "The lack of work productivity" is less precise. "Decreased work productivity" is a more appropriate term in this context.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all parts of the prompt by presenting a clear stance on whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of raising the retirement age. It discusses both the benefits and drawbacks, providing specific examples to support the argument.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately covers both sides of the argument, it could enhance its analysis by delving deeper into the nuances of each advantage and disadvantage. Providing more specific examples or statistics could strengthen the argument further.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages of raising the retirement age. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the author’s position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This would leave no room for ambiguity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents, extends, and supports ideas effectively. It provides examples and elaborates on each point, demonstrating a strong understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To further strengthen the essay, it could incorporate more diverse examples or real-world scenarios to illustrate the consequences of raising the retirement age. Additionally, expanding on the potential solutions or mitigating measures for the identified disadvantages could enrich the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, discussing the advantages and disadvantages of raising the retirement age without deviating from the main theme.
- How to improve: To ensure maximum relevance, the essay could avoid generalizations and ensure that each point directly relates to the topic. Additionally, maintaining a logical flow between paragraphs can help reinforce the coherence and relevance of the discussion.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear organizational structure with an introduction, body paragraphs presenting arguments both for and against raising the retirement age, and a conclusion summarizing the author’s stance. Each paragraph serves a distinct purpose, contributing to the overall argumentation.
- How to improve: While the overall organization is effective, enhancing coherence could involve strengthening the transitions between paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, providing a clearer preview of the essay’s structure in the introduction could better guide the reader through the argumentative progression.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to separate distinct ideas and arguments. Each paragraph focuses on a single aspect of the argument, maintaining clarity and coherence within the essay’s structure.
- How to improve: To further improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that previews the main idea of the paragraph. Additionally, consider varying sentence structure and length within paragraphs to enhance readability and engagement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes cohesive devices such as transition words ("to begin with," "despite," "moreover," "to sum up") to connect ideas and create logical relationships between sentences and paragraphs. These devices enhance the coherence and cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: While cohesive devices are effectively used, expanding the range of cohesive devices could further strengthen the essay’s cohesion. Incorporating a variety of linking words and phrases, such as pronouns (e.g., "this," "these"), conjunctions (e.g., "however," "furthermore"), and parallel structures, can create more nuanced connections between ideas and enhance the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure consistent usage of cohesive devices throughout the essay to maintain coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, utilizing phrases like "career longevity," "financial independence," "caring expenses," and "vulnerability to illnesses." These phrases contribute to a nuanced discussion of the topic, showcasing the writer’s ability to express complex ideas.
- How to improve: While the essay displays a strong vocabulary range, there is still room for enhancement by incorporating more sophisticated vocabulary in certain areas. For instance, instead of using "predicaments," consider alternatives like "adversities" or "challenges" to add depth to the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, phrases like "exchange of experience between generations" and "deterioration of health" are clear and specific, leaving no room for ambiguity.
- How to improve: While precise vocabulary usage is evident, some areas could benefit from even more precise language. For example, instead of stating "heavy workloads," the essay could specify the nature of these workloads, such as "demanding schedules" or "arduous tasks," to enhance clarity and specificity.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained throughout the essay, with no significant spelling errors detracting from readability. Commonly used words are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall coherence of the writing.
- How to improve: To further improve spelling accuracy, consider employing tools like spell checkers or proofreading techniques to catch any potential errors that may have been overlooked. Additionally, actively expanding your vocabulary can reinforce correct spelling through increased exposure to words in different contexts.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of vocabulary and spelling, contributing to its coherence and effectiveness in conveying ideas. To further enhance lexical resource, continue seeking opportunities to incorporate diverse vocabulary while maintaining precision and accuracy in language use.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable effort in employing a variety of sentence structures. It utilizes both simple and complex structures, incorporating clauses and phrases effectively. For instance, there is a mix of compound sentences ("To specify, the old populations in some nations would possess monthly personal incomes…") and complex sentences ("Despite acknowledging the aforementioned rationales, I still hold a view that the demerits of this phenomenon should be more emphasized."). However, there is room for improvement in further diversifying the range of structures used. While the essay adequately employs some complex structures, greater diversity could enhance the sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex compound-complex sentences and using introductory phrases or clauses to vary sentence beginnings. Additionally, experiment with different sentence lengths to create a more engaging rhythm and flow in the writing. Transition words and phrases can also be strategically employed to connect ideas and improve coherence.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that detract from the clarity and precision of the writing. For example, in the sentence "This results in the reduction in the caring expenses for the elderly, hence placing fewer burdens on the society," the phrase "hence placing" could be revised for clarity and conciseness. Additionally, there are minor punctuation errors throughout the essay, such as missing commas in compound sentences and inconsistent use of commas before introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to carefully review sentence structures and ensure subject-verb agreement, proper tense usage, and correct punctuation. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers or instructors to identify and correct errors. Additionally, practice writing and revising sentences to enhance clarity and coherence, paying attention to grammar and punctuation rules.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the present era, there has been a rise in the retirement age in various nations. This essay will discuss the perspective that the disadvantages outweigh the benefits.

Firstly, let’s consider the advantages of extending the working years. Specifically, policies aimed at increasing the retirement age can lead to elderly populations having monthly personal incomes. This helps in reducing financial insecurity and decreasing dependence on the younger population. Consequently, there is a decrease in care expenses for the elderly, alleviating societal burdens. Furthermore, this development facilitates intergenerational knowledge exchange, as the experienced elderly can impart valuable wisdom to the younger generations.

Despite recognizing the aforementioned reasons, I maintain the belief that the drawbacks of raising the retirement age deserve more attention. Firstly, health deterioration is a significant concern for the aging population. They may face severe challenges, particularly in maintaining productivity while dealing with health issues. Moreover, heavy workloads can exacerbate their vulnerability to illnesses, leading to unforeseen consequences. Secondly, as individuals age, they may experience a decline in flexibility and work effectiveness, negatively impacting business development.

In conclusion, while raising the retirement age offers benefits such as financial stability for the elderly and the sharing of experience, I contend that the negative consequences, including exacerbation of health issues in the elderly and decreased work productivity, outweigh these advantages.