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In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered ‘role models’, and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is this a positive or negative development?

In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered ‘role models', and they are having an increasing influence on the young.
Is this a positive or negative development?

It is true that certain famed persons are believed to be the role models that have an effect on the young generation in various corners of the world. While acknowledging the anti-social behavior that these famous ones generate, I strongly argue that it is a predominantly positive development.
Some renowned individuals who have unethical actions or so-called anti-social behavior may take a heavy toll on children’s development. The key rationale is that there is a great number of people who destroy facilities or disturb the citizens with the hope of attracting public attention, which shapes an inaccurate perspective for young impressionable minds. This can be seen in certain Tiktokers who exhibit disruptive action to garner favored publicity. However, this factor is floured as most recognizable individuals take advantage of their fame to encourage their fan base to engage in more social activities. Take philanthropic projects for example, they incentivize their fans to dedicate and contribute to the community which curtails the line between economic brackets as well as fosters a sense of compassion and unity among their fans.
The argument is further strengthened by the fact that fans may have a sense of persistence through a celebrity’s inspiration. It is predicated on the assumption that tremendously famous individuals who excel in science, music, and business share stories of their hardships, obstacles, …. motivate the young generation to pursue their specific dreams. As a result, they may have more incentives to gain the desired goals as they usually emulate what their model achieves in their career path and personal life. Take Elon Musk for example, who confronted relentless challenges and failures to operate a multi-billion dollar business empire, and has inspired hundreds of fans worldwide not to succumb to difficulties.

In conclusion, I would contend that the advantages of celebrities outweigh the demerit of them, considering the possibility of perseverance and philanthropic endeavors that they bring to the youngster.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "certain famed persons" -> "certain well-known individuals"
    Explanation: "Famed" is somewhat archaic and less precise than "well-known," which is more commonly used in contemporary academic writing to describe individuals with widespread recognition.

  2. "have an effect on" -> "influence"
    Explanation: "Influence" is a more direct and academically appropriate term for describing the impact of individuals on others, replacing the more colloquial "have an effect on."

  3. "anti-social behavior" -> "antisocial behavior"
    Explanation: "Antisocial behavior" is the correct term, as it refers to behavior that is considered detrimental to society, whereas "anti-social" is a misnomer and less precise.

  4. "predominantly positive development" -> "predominantly beneficial development"
    Explanation: "Beneficial" is more specific and academically precise than "positive," which can be vague and overly broad in this context.

  5. "renowned individuals who have unethical actions" -> "well-known individuals who exhibit unethical behavior"
    Explanation: "Exhibit" is more precise than "have" in describing the display of behavior, and "behavior" is more appropriate than "actions" in this context, which is more commonly used in academic writing.

  6. "take a heavy toll on" -> "have a significant impact on"
    Explanation: "Have a significant impact on" is a more formal and precise way to describe the effects of actions on children’s development, replacing the colloquial "take a heavy toll on."

  7. "shapes an inaccurate perspective" -> "shapes an inaccurate impression"
    Explanation: "Impression" is more specific and appropriate in this context, referring to the mental image or understanding formed by young minds, whereas "perspective" can be too broad and vague.

  8. "favored publicity" -> "desired publicity"
    Explanation: "Desired" is more precise and formal than "favored," which can imply a personal preference rather than a general goal.

  9. "floured" -> "fostered"
    Explanation: "Floured" is a typographical error and should be corrected to "fostered," which means to promote or encourage, fitting the context of supporting positive activities.

  10. "curtails the line between economic brackets" -> "bridges the economic divide"
    Explanation: "Bridges the economic divide" is a more accurate and formal expression, indicating the reduction of economic disparities, whereas "curtails the line between economic brackets" is awkward and unclear.

  11. "fosters a sense of compassion and unity" -> "fosters compassion and unity"
    Explanation: Removing "a sense of" simplifies the phrase and aligns better with formal academic style, which often avoids unnecessary prepositions and articles when describing abstract concepts.

  12. "predicated on the assumption" -> "based on the assumption"
    Explanation: "Based on" is a more straightforward and commonly used phrase in academic writing compared to "predicated on," which can be less familiar to some readers.

  13. "tremendously famous" -> "extremely famous"
    Explanation: "Extremely" is more commonly used in academic writing to describe high levels of fame, whereas "tremendously" can be seen as less formal and slightly archaic.

  14. "confronted relentless challenges and failures" -> "overcame numerous challenges and setbacks"
    Explanation: "Overcame" is more precise and formal than "confronted," which can imply a more confrontational or aggressive approach, and "setbacks" is more specific than "failures," which can be too broad and negative.

  15. "not to succumb to difficulties" -> "not to give up in the face of difficulties"
    Explanation: "Not to give up in the face of difficulties" is a more formal and precise way to express perseverance in the face of challenges, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative influences of famous people on the youth. The introduction acknowledges the existence of negative role models, while the body paragraphs predominantly focus on the positive aspects, such as philanthropy and inspiration. The essay successfully presents a balanced view, which is crucial for a high score in this criterion. However, the mention of negative influences could be expanded to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include more specific examples of negative role models and their impacts on youth. This would not only strengthen the argument but also demonstrate a deeper understanding of the complexities involved in the influence of celebrities.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The position taken in the essay is clear and consistent, with a strong assertion that the influence of celebrities is predominantly positive. This is reinforced throughout the essay with supporting arguments and examples. The use of phrases like "I strongly argue" and "I would contend" helps to maintain clarity regarding the author’s stance.
    • How to improve: While the position is clear, the essay could benefit from a more explicit restatement of this position in the conclusion. A brief summary of the key points supporting the positive influence could further solidify the argument and remind the reader of the main thesis.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the philanthropic efforts of celebrities and their ability to inspire persistence among youth. Examples like Elon Musk effectively illustrate these points. However, some ideas, particularly the negative influences, are not as thoroughly explored, which could weaken the overall argument.
    • How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the essay could include more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, elaborating on specific philanthropic projects or providing statistics on youth engagement in social activities inspired by celebrities would provide stronger support for the claims.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the influence of famous individuals on the young generation. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt, particularly in the exploration of negative influences. The phrase "this factor is floured" is unclear and may distract from the main argument, indicating a potential deviation from the topic.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all statements directly relate back to the influence of role models on youth. Clarifying ambiguous phrases and avoiding overly complex language can help keep the discussion clear and relevant. Additionally, using topic sentences that directly reflect the main argument of each paragraph can guide the reader and enhance coherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and effectively argues for the positive influence of celebrities on youth, but could benefit from more detailed examples and clearer connections to the prompt in certain areas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the influence of famous individuals on the youth. The introduction sets the context effectively, stating both sides of the argument. The body paragraphs follow a logical progression, with the first paragraph addressing the negative aspects of role models and the second paragraph focusing on the positive influences. However, the transition between the negative and positive points could be smoother. For instance, the phrase "However, this factor is floured as…" is somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a clearer transition that links the two contrasting ideas more cohesively.
    • How to improve: To enhance the logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect the ideas, such as "On the other hand," or "Conversely," to signal a shift in focus. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph addressing a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the negative influences of role models, while the second highlights the positive contributions. However, the conclusion could be more robust by summarizing the key points made in the body paragraphs rather than merely restating the overall opinion. This would reinforce the argument and provide a clearer closure to the essay.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by briefly revisiting the main points discussed in the body paragraphs. For example, you could summarize the negative impacts mentioned in the first paragraph and then reiterate the positive influences highlighted in the second. This will create a more cohesive structure and reinforce the argument presented.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "while," "however," and "as a result." These devices help to connect ideas and indicate relationships between different parts of the argument. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be improved for clarity. For example, the phrase "which shapes an inaccurate perspective for young impressionable minds" could be better linked to the previous sentence to clarify how it relates to the disruptive actions of Tiktokers.
    • How to improve: To diversify and enhance the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device used clearly indicates the relationship between ideas. For instance, rephrasing sentences to explicitly show how one idea leads to another can improve clarity and coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, refining the transitions between ideas, enhancing the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices will help elevate the coherence and cohesion to a higher level.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary with terms such as "anti-social behavior," "philanthropic projects," and "impressionable minds." These phrases show an ability to discuss the topic in depth and convey nuanced meanings. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied or sophisticated. For example, the phrase "famed persons" could be replaced with "celebrated figures" or "public icons" to enhance lexical variety.
    • How to improve: To further improve, the writer should aim to incorporate more synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "famous" or "renowned," they could explore alternatives like "notable," "illustrious," or "eminent." Additionally, using more idiomatic expressions or collocations related to the topic could enrich the vocabulary.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "incentivize" and "perseverance," which effectively convey the intended meaning. However, there are moments of imprecision, such as "floured" in the context of discussing the positive influence of celebrities. This word choice is incorrect and does not fit the intended meaning, which could confuse readers.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that the chosen words accurately reflect their intended meanings. A good practice would be to double-check unfamiliar words in context or consult a thesaurus to find the most appropriate term. For instance, replacing "floured" with "countered" or "mitigated" would clarify the argument regarding the positive influence of celebrities.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, which contributes positively to the overall clarity of the writing. However, there are minor issues, such as the misspelling of "Tiktokers," which should be "TikTokers" to reflect the correct brand name. Additionally, "demerit" is less commonly used in this context; "drawback" or "disadvantage" might be more appropriate and widely recognized.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, perhaps reading it aloud to catch any errors. Utilizing spell-check tools or apps can also help identify mistakes before submission. Furthermore, familiarizing oneself with commonly misspelled words or brand names relevant to the essay topic can prevent such errors in the future.

In summary, while the essay achieves a solid Band 7 for Lexical Resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and carefully proofreading, the writer can enhance their lexical resource further and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "While acknowledging the anti-social behavior that these famous ones generate" and "It is predicated on the assumption that tremendously famous individuals who excel in science, music, and business share stories of their hardships" showcase the use of subordinate clauses effectively. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "Take philanthropic projects for example, they incentivize their fans to dedicate and contribute to the community" could be improved by separating it into two sentences for clarity and impact.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using more introductory phrases, varying the placement of clauses, and incorporating different types of sentences (e.g., questions, exclamations). Additionally, using a mix of short and long sentences can create a more engaging rhythm in the writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "this factor is floured" is incorrect; the intended word is likely "flawed." Additionally, the ellipsis in "obstacles, …. motivate the young generation" is inappropriate and disrupts the flow of the sentence. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before "which shapes an inaccurate perspective for young impressionable minds."
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for typos and incorrect word choices. Practicing the correct usage of vocabulary and ensuring that all terms are contextually appropriate will also help. Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially concerning the use of commas and conjunctions, will enhance clarity and coherence in writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that certain well-known individuals are believed to be role models who have an impact on the young generation in various parts of the world. While acknowledging the antisocial behavior that these famous individuals may generate, I strongly argue that it is a predominantly beneficial development.

Some renowned individuals who exhibit unethical behavior or antisocial actions may take a heavy toll on children’s development. The key rationale is that there are a great number of people who destroy facilities or disturb citizens in the hope of attracting public attention, which shapes an inaccurate impression for young, impressionable minds. This can be seen in certain TikTokers who engage in disruptive actions to garner desired publicity. However, this factor is outweighed as most recognizable individuals take advantage of their fame to encourage their fan base to engage in more social activities. Take philanthropic projects, for example; they incentivize their fans to dedicate time and contribute to the community, which bridges the economic divide and fosters a sense of compassion and unity among their fans.

The argument is further strengthened by the fact that fans may develop a sense of persistence through a celebrity’s inspiration. This is based on the assumption that extremely famous individuals who excel in science, music, and business share stories of their hardships and obstacles, which motivate the young generation to pursue their specific dreams. As a result, they may have more incentives to achieve their desired goals as they usually emulate what their role models accomplish in their career paths and personal lives. Take Elon Musk, for example, who overcame numerous challenges and setbacks to operate a multi-billion dollar business empire and has inspired hundreds of fans worldwide not to give up in the face of difficulties.

In conclusion, I would contend that the advantages of celebrities outweigh the disadvantages, considering the potential for perseverance and philanthropic endeavors that they bring to young people.

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