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In most science courses at university, there are significantly more male students than female students. What is the reason for this? What could be done to balance out the numbers?

In most science courses at university, there are significantly more male students than female students.
What is the reason for this?
What could be done to balance out the numbers?

Improved Text:
In this day and age, the landscape of post-high school education has changed drastically, with an increasing number of male students pursuing science courses rather than female students. In this essay, I will explain the reasons leading to this tendency before proposing certain workable solutions.

There are some major reasons elucidating why many male individuals show more interest in learning science courses at university than female individuals. Both genders are scientifically proven to have different characteristics and qualities that match different jobs. If women are known to be more supportive and sensitive with a tune and art, then men tend to be more creative, logical, intelligent with numbers and formulas, and calculation. As science courses at university often require a massive amount of critical thinking to analyze and predict the outcomes of natural phenomena such as the result of a sophisticated chemistry formula, it is inevitable that men choose to follow subjects that are inherently suitable with their genes and innate ability, that can help them learn more effectively and effortlessly.

Despite this development sounding problematic, governmental intervention along with raising the awareness of each individual could effectively mitigate the gender gap in this area. There should be more scholarships and financial aid to attract more women to enter science subjects at university, especially those from disadvantaged socioeconomic backgrounds. The authorities should ensure job opportunities for them after accomplishing the long training programs, so they can steadfastly follow these lucrative departments without worrying about the competition of job markets nowadays. Also, each female student must be equipped with sufficient knowledge to better adapt to difficulties brought about by science subjects at school, helping them to gain better academic performance.

In conclusion, more and more men are choosing to pursue science courses at university rather than women due to the accessibility that their innate genes can assist in learning more effortlessly. However, the government can still mitigate this imbalance by issuing novel regulations and providing more education to ensure the output results for them to find better employment opportunities in the future.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "In this day and age" -> "Currently"
    Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

  2. "male students pursuing science courses rather than female students" -> "male students opting for science courses over their female counterparts"
    Explanation: The original phrase is somewhat informal and lacks precision. The suggested revision clarifies the comparison and maintains a formal tone.

  3. "elucidating why" -> "explaining why"
    Explanation: "Elucidating" is a more formal term, but in this context, "explaining" is sufficient and clearer.

  4. "many male individuals show more interest" -> "many male students demonstrate a greater interest"
    Explanation: "Individuals" is too general and vague; "students" is more specific and relevant to the context. "Demonstrate" is also more formal than "show."

  5. "scientifically proven" -> "research has shown"
    Explanation: "Scientifically proven" can imply a level of certainty that may not be universally accepted. "Research has shown" is a more academically neutral phrase.

  6. "If women are known to be more supportive and sensitive with a tune and art" -> "Women are often characterized as being more empathetic and artistic"
    Explanation: The original phrase is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies and refines the description, using more precise and formal language.

  7. "then men tend to be more creative, logical, intelligent with numbers and formulas, and calculation" -> "then men tend to exhibit greater creativity, logical reasoning, and mathematical aptitude"
    Explanation: The original phrase is overly simplistic and informal. The revision uses more precise academic terms and avoids redundancy.

  8. "inherently suitable with their genes and innate ability" -> "intrinsically suited to their genetic predispositions and innate abilities"
    Explanation: "Inherently suitable" is awkward and unclear. "Intrinsically suited" is more formal and precise, and "genetic predispositions" is a more scientifically accurate term.

  9. "can help them learn more effectively and effortlessly" -> "facilitates their learning and enhances their efficiency"
    Explanation: "Can help them learn more effectively and effortlessly" is informal and vague. "Facilitates their learning and enhances their efficiency" is more formal and specific.

  10. "sounding problematic" -> "appearing problematic"
    Explanation: "Sounding" is incorrect in this context; "appearing" is the correct term to describe how something seems or appears.

  11. "raising the awareness of each individual" -> "raising awareness among individuals"
    Explanation: "Raising the awareness of each individual" is redundant. "Raising awareness among individuals" is more concise and formal.

  12. "ensure job opportunities for them after accomplishing the long training programs" -> "guarantee job opportunities upon completing their extensive training programs"
    Explanation: "Ensure" is less formal than "guarantee," which is more suitable for academic writing. "Extensive" is also more precise than "long."

  13. "steadfastly follow these lucrative departments" -> "steadfastly pursue these lucrative fields"
    Explanation: "Departments" is not the correct term in this context; "fields" is more appropriate for academic disciplines. "Pursue" is also more formal than "follow."

  14. "difficulties brought about by science subjects at school" -> "challenges posed by science subjects at school"
    Explanation: "Brought about" is less formal and slightly vague. "Posed" is more precise and academically appropriate.

  15. "novel regulations" -> "new regulations"
    Explanation: "Novel" is not incorrect but can imply something unusual or experimental. "New" is straightforward and clear.

  16. "issuing novel regulations" -> "implementing new regulations"
    Explanation: "Issuing" is less specific and formal than "implementing," which directly relates to the action of putting regulations into effect.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: it identifies reasons for the gender disparity in science courses and suggests solutions to balance the numbers. The first paragraph outlines the reasons, discussing innate characteristics attributed to gender, while the second paragraph proposes solutions such as scholarships and job opportunities for women. However, the explanation of reasons could be seen as overly simplistic and potentially controversial, as it relies on generalizations about gender traits.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should consider incorporating a broader range of factors influencing gender disparity, such as societal expectations, educational influences, and cultural stereotypes. This would provide a more nuanced understanding of the issue. Additionally, the solutions could be expanded to include educational reforms or outreach programs aimed at encouraging female students to pursue science from an earlier age.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that there is a gender imbalance in science courses and that this can be addressed through government intervention. However, the argument regarding innate abilities may confuse readers about the author’s stance on gender capabilities, potentially undermining the clarity of the position.
    • How to improve: To present a clearer position, the writer should avoid making broad claims about gender differences and instead focus on systemic issues that contribute to the disparity. This could involve emphasizing the importance of equal opportunities and support for all students, regardless of gender, rather than attributing differences to innate abilities.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the reasons for the gender gap and potential solutions. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, the claim about innate abilities lacks empirical evidence and could benefit from examples or studies that illustrate the impact of societal factors on gender choices in education.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide more substantial evidence to support their claims. This could include statistics on gender enrollment in science courses, studies on societal influences, or examples of successful initiatives that have helped to increase female participation in science. Additionally, elaborating on the proposed solutions with specific examples of how they could be implemented would enhance the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the reasons for the gender imbalance and suggesting solutions. However, the discussion of innate abilities may distract from the main focus, as it introduces a controversial viewpoint that could detract from the overall argument.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. It may be beneficial to reframe the discussion of gender differences in a way that emphasizes external factors rather than biological determinism. This would help keep the essay aligned with the prompt’s intent and avoid potential misunderstandings.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, it would benefit from a more nuanced exploration of the reasons behind the gender gap, clearer articulation of the author’s position, stronger evidence to support claims, and a tighter focus on the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s intent. The body paragraphs are organized to first discuss the reasons for the gender disparity in science courses, followed by potential solutions. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing reasons to solutions could be more explicit, as the current phrasing feels abrupt. The argument regarding innate abilities lacks sufficient evidence or examples, which could strengthen the logical connections made.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear transition phrases between sections, such as "On the other hand" or "In response to this issue." Additionally, providing specific examples or studies that support claims about gender differences in learning styles could help solidify the argument and improve the overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the topic, which aids readability. However, the body paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence that explicitly states the reasons for the gender imbalance before delving into the details.
    • How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence. This will help guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, consider using concluding sentences that summarize the main point of each paragraph, reinforcing the connection to the overall thesis.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "however," "also," and "despite this." These devices help to connect ideas and indicate contrasts. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some transitions feel repetitive. For instance, "also" is used multiple times, which can detract from the overall flow.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, consider using "furthermore," "in addition," or "conversely" to enhance the transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to maintain clarity, avoiding overuse that can lead to awkward phrasing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices could elevate the score further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "landscape of post-high school education," "workable solutions," and "governmental intervention." These expressions effectively convey complex ideas and contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "male" and "female individuals" could be replaced with synonyms or alternative phrases to enhance lexical diversity.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating more varied vocabulary related to gender studies and education, such as "gender disparity," "educational equity," or "gender representation." Additionally, using synonyms for "male" and "female," such as "men" and "women," can help reduce repetition and enhance the essay’s lexical range.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "critical thinking," "sophisticated chemistry formula," and "lucrative departments." However, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "innate genes" is somewhat redundant, as "innate" already implies a genetic basis. Additionally, the term "supportive and sensitive with a tune and art" is vague and could be interpreted in multiple ways.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, replace vague phrases with more specific terms. For instance, instead of "supportive and sensitive with a tune and art," consider using "empathetic and creative in the arts." Moreover, avoid redundancy by choosing either "innate" or "genes" to convey the intended meaning more clearly.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors that detract from the overall readability. Words like "education," "scholarships," and "governmental" are spelled correctly, indicating a solid command of English spelling conventions.
    • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, it is beneficial to engage in regular reading and writing practice. Additionally, utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading the essay before submission can help catch any minor errors that may have been overlooked.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 7 for Lexical Resource, there are opportunities for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling practices. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their lexical resource in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some compound structures. For instance, the use of phrases such as "with an increasing number of male students pursuing science courses rather than female students" showcases the writer’s ability to create longer, more intricate sentences. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the way comparisons are framed (e.g., "men tend to be more creative, logical, intelligent with numbers and formulas"). This could limit the perceived range of grammatical structures.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases, use passive voice where appropriate, and mix in different conjunctions to create more complex relationships between ideas. For example, instead of repeatedly using "there are" or "there should be," the writer could employ alternative constructions such as "It is evident that…" or "One possible solution is…". This would not only diversify the sentence structures but also improve the overall flow of the essay.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally adheres to grammatical rules, but there are notable errors that affect clarity and coherence. For instance, the phrase "that match different jobs" is somewhat vague and could be more precise. Additionally, the sentence "that can help them learn more effectively and effortlessly" lacks clarity due to the awkward placement of "that." Punctuation is mostly correct, but there are instances where commas could enhance readability, such as before conjunctions in complex sentences.
    • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on clarity and precision in their word choices. Revising sentences for conciseness and ensuring that modifiers are placed correctly will help. For example, the sentence "As science courses at university often require a massive amount of critical thinking to analyze and predict the outcomes of natural phenomena such as the result of a sophisticated chemistry formula" could be streamlined for clarity. Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance the overall readability of the essay. Regular review of grammar rules and seeking feedback on drafts can also contribute to improvement in this area.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

In this day and age, the landscape of post-high school education has changed drastically, with an increasing number of male students pursuing science courses rather than female students. In this essay, I will explain the reasons leading to this tendency before proposing certain workable solutions.

There are some major reasons explaining why many male individuals show more interest in learning science courses at university than female individuals. Both genders are scientifically proven to have different characteristics and qualities that match different jobs. While women are often characterized as being more empathetic and artistic, men tend to exhibit greater creativity, logical reasoning, and mathematical aptitude. As science courses at university often require a massive amount of critical thinking to analyze and predict the outcomes of natural phenomena, such as the results of a sophisticated chemistry formula, it is inevitable that men choose to follow subjects that are intrinsically suited to their genetic predispositions and innate abilities, which can facilitate their learning and enhance their efficiency.

Despite this development appearing problematic, governmental intervention along with raising awareness among individuals could effectively mitigate the gender gap in this area. There should be more scholarships and financial aid to attract more women to enter science subjects at university, especially those from disadvantaged socioeconomic backgrounds. The authorities should guarantee job opportunities for them after completing the long training programs, so they can steadfastly pursue these lucrative fields without worrying about the competition in the job market nowadays. Additionally, each female student must be equipped with sufficient knowledge to better adapt to the challenges posed by science subjects at school, helping them to achieve better academic performance.

In conclusion, more and more men are choosing to pursue science courses at university rather than women due to the accessibility that their innate abilities can provide in learning more effortlessly. However, the government can still mitigate this imbalance by implementing new regulations and providing more education to ensure better employment opportunities for women in the future.

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