In recent years, the structure of a family and the role of its members are gradually changing. What kinds of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative?

In recent years, the structure of a family and the role of its members are gradually changing.
What kinds of changes can occur? Do you think these changes are positive or negative?

The trend of a structure of a family and role of each member in a family have been changed significantly. A nuclear family would occur, followed by the mothers and fathers responsibilities, which is ascribed to several factors, and I firmly believe that these changes are beneficial for those.
There are some fundamental changes in modern days. Firstly, the structure of a household is prone to be a nuclear family for a host of reasons. The reason for this is young couples gradually migrate to big cities to seek a high salary job, which could be abundant there. For example, many Vietnamese couples desire to have a stable job in big cities like Hanoi or Ho Chi Minh City, which helps them become financially independent and enjoy a better living standards. Additionally, I suppose that the role of each member in a family would change. Both mothers and fathers play a pivotal role in fostering and raising their children up together. This is because women nowadays have a social position. There are many cases, they would pay monthly expense of the whole family. By contrast, previously, men were breadwinners in almost all families, bearing the responsibility to cover all bills.
On the other hand, I completely agree with this proponent. To begin with, a nuclear family allows parents to become liberty. They would choose their majors and do business whatever they want without the fears of their grandparents’ setback. Hence, progressing up their career ladder. Another advantage is that the role of a family could connect the family happiness. This is because when a father share responsibility with their wife in cooking or playing with children, they would sympathize the women’ difficulties. As a result, benefiting both mothers and fathers’ sentimental values.
To conclude, I assess a nuclear family would be a form of almost all families in the future due to its benefits and comprehensiveness.

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Errors and Improvements:

1. "The trend of a structure of a family and role of each member in a family have been changed significantly." -> "The structure and roles within families have undergone significant changes."
   Explanation: Simplifying the sentence and removing redundancy by stating, "The structure and roles within families have undergone significant changes," maintains a formal tone while improving clarity.

2. "A nuclear family would occur, followed by the mothers and fathers responsibilities, which is ascribed to several factors, and I firmly believe that these changes are beneficial for those." -> "The prevalence of nuclear families, along with the evolving roles of mothers and fathers, can be attributed to various factors. I firmly believe that these changes bring benefits."
   Explanation: Replacing "A nuclear family would occur, followed by the mothers and fathers responsibilities, which is ascribed to several factors, and I firmly believe that these changes are beneficial for those" with "The prevalence of nuclear families, along with the evolving roles of mothers and fathers, can be attributed to various factors. I firmly believe that these changes bring benefits" streamlines the expression, eliminates unnecessary words, and enhances the overall clarity of the statement.

3. "There are some fundamental changes in modern days." -> "Significant societal changes have occurred in recent times."
   Explanation: The suggested revision, "Significant societal changes have occurred in recent times," maintains a more formal tone by avoiding the colloquial "modern days" and provides a more precise expression.

4. "Firstly, the structure of a household is prone to be a nuclear family for a host of reasons." -> "Firstly, households are increasingly characterized by the nuclear family structure for various reasons."
   Explanation: The recommended change, "Firstly, households are increasingly characterized by the nuclear family structure for various reasons," improves the formality and flow of the sentence by using more academic language and eliminating redundancy.

5. "For example, many Vietnamese couples desire to have a stable job in big cities like Hanoi or Ho Chi Minh City, which helps them become financially independent and enjoy a better living standards." -> "For example, numerous Vietnamese couples aspire to secure stable employment in major cities such as Hanoi or Ho Chi Minh City, facilitating financial independence and an elevated standard of living."
   Explanation: The revision enhances formality and precision by replacing "desire" with "aspire," improving sentence structure, and using more appropriate terms like "facilitating" and "elevated standard of living."

6. "Additionally, I suppose that the role of each member in a family would change." -> "Furthermore, I posit that the roles of each family member would undergo transformation."
   Explanation: The suggested change, "Furthermore, I posit that the roles of each family member would undergo transformation," replaces the informal "I suppose" with the more formal "I posit" and provides a more refined expression.

7. "There are many cases, they would pay monthly expense of the whole family." -> "In numerous instances, they contribute to covering the monthly expenses of the entire family."
   Explanation: The recommended revision, "In numerous instances, they contribute to covering the monthly expenses of the entire family," maintains formality and clarity by restructuring the sentence and using more precise language.

8. "On the other hand, I completely agree with this proponent." -> "However, I fully endorse this viewpoint."
   Explanation: The suggested change, "However, I fully endorse this viewpoint," replaces the informal "completely agree" with the more formal "fully endorse," enhancing the formality of the statement.

9. "To begin with, a nuclear family allows parents to become liberty." -> "Firstly, a nuclear family provides parents with greater freedom."
   Explanation: The revision, "Firstly, a nuclear family provides parents with greater freedom," corrects the grammatical error in the original sentence and uses more appropriate vocabulary, improving formality.

10. "They would choose their majors and do business whatever they want without the fears of their grandparents’ setback." -> "They can choose their professions and engage in business ventures without concerns about their grandparents’ hindrance."
    Explanation: The suggested revision, "They can choose their professions and engage in business ventures without concerns about their grandparents’ hindrance," corrects grammatical errors, improves clarity, and utilizes more precise language.

11. "Hence, progressing up their career ladder." -> "Consequently, advancing in their careers."
    Explanation: The recommended change, "Consequently, advancing in their careers," provides a more refined expression, eliminating the informal "progressing up their career ladder."

12. "Another advantage is that the role of a family could connect the family happiness." -> "Another advantage is that family roles contribute to overall family well-being."
    Explanation: The revision, "Another advantage is that family roles contribute to overall family well-being," corrects the awkward phrasing and enhances formality.

13. "As a result, benefiting both mothers and fathers’ sentimental values." -> "As a result, enhancing the emotional well-being of both mothers and fathers."
    Explanation: The suggested change, "As a result, enhancing the emotional well-being of both mothers and fathers," provides a more precise expression, replacing the vague "sentimental values" with "emotional well-being."

14. "I assess a nuclear family would be a form of almost all families in the future due to its benefits and comprehensiveness." -> "I anticipate that the nuclear family structure will become prevalent in the future, given its advantages and comprehensiveness."
    Explanation: The recommended revision, "I anticipate that the nuclear family structure will become prevalent in the future, given its advantages and comprehensiveness," improves formality, replaces "assess" with "anticipate," and provides a clearer expression of the idea.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses all aspects of the prompt. It discusses the changes in family structure and the evolving roles of its members. Relevant sections, such as the shift to nuclear families and the changing responsibilities of mothers and fathers, are clearly identified.
  • How to improve: While the essay adequately covers the prompt, it could benefit from providing more specific examples to support the points made, enhancing the depth of analysis.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing a belief in the benefits of the observed changes in family structure and roles. Specific examples, such as the advantages of a nuclear family and the shared responsibilities of parents, contribute to the overall clarity of the stance.
  • How to improve: To further enhance clarity, consider reinforcing the thesis in the introduction and conclusion. Reiterating the main position in these sections can solidify the essay’s overall coherence.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively presents, extends, and supports ideas. It elaborates on the reasons for the shift to nuclear families, the changing roles of mothers and fathers, and the benefits of these changes. Specific examples, such as the desire for stable jobs in big cities and the advantages of shared responsibilities, provide strong support.
  • How to improve: While the support is strong, adding a bit more depth to the analysis of each supporting point could further strengthen the essay. Consider delving into the potential drawbacks or counterarguments to showcase a more comprehensive understanding.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the changes in family structure and roles. However, there are instances of slight deviation, such as the mention of grandparents’ setback, which is not directly related to the main topic.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, ensure that each point directly relates to the prompt. Avoid introducing tangential details that do not contribute significantly to the overall argument. In this case, the mention of grandparents’ setbacks could be omitted or tied more explicitly to the main discussion.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the prompt and effectively communicates a clear position with well-supported ideas. To improve, consider providing more specific examples, reinforcing the thesis in the introduction and conclusion, adding depth to the analysis, and avoiding slight deviations from the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that outlines the changes in family structure and member roles. The body paragraphs delve into specific changes, such as the rise of nuclear families and evolving roles. The use of examples, like Vietnamese couples migrating for better job opportunities, adds clarity. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit roadmap in the introduction, outlining the specific changes to be discussed.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider providing a clear thesis statement in the introduction that previews the main changes to be discussed. This will guide the reader and make the essay’s structure more apparent.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to separate distinct ideas. However, some paragraphs are lengthy, affecting the clarity of ideas. For instance, the second paragraph covers both the shift to nuclear families and changes in parental roles. Breaking this into two paragraphs would enhance readability.
  • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea. In this case, consider splitting the second paragraph into one about changing family structure and another about evolving roles. This will create a more organized and reader-friendly essay.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: Cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("To begin with," "On the other hand," "To conclude"), are used, contributing to overall coherence. However, the essay could benefit from a greater variety of cohesive devices to link ideas within paragraphs more explicitly.
  • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices, including pronouns (it, they, this) and synonyms, to enhance the flow between sentences. This will create a smoother progression of ideas and strengthen the essay’s overall cohesion.

In summary, while the essay effectively organizes information, improving the introduction’s clarity, refining paragraph structures, and diversifying cohesive devices will elevate coherence and cohesion, potentially pushing the band score higher.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes words and phrases related to the topic, such as "nuclear family," "financially independent," and "career ladder." However, there is room for improvement as some phrases are repeated (e.g., "financially independent" is mentioned twice) and the use of synonyms could enhance the overall lexical variety.
  • How to improve: To further enhance the vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and alternative expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "financially independent," you might use terms like "economically self-sufficient" or "financial autonomy" to add variety. Additionally, explore more nuanced vocabulary to express ideas.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with moderate precision. There are instances of imprecise usage, such as "which could be abundant there" and "progressing up their career ladder." The use of these phrases might lead to a lack of clarity for the reader.
  • How to improve: Aim for more precision in vocabulary. For example, instead of "which could be abundant there," specify what is abundant, such as "job opportunities." Regarding "progressing up their career ladder," consider a more precise phrase like "advancing in their professional trajectory." This will contribute to a clearer and more refined expression of ideas.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "mothers" instead of "mother’s," "sympathize" instead of "synchronize," and grammatical errors like "a nuclear family allows parents to become liberty." These errors may hinder the overall readability and impact the coherence of the essay.
  • How to improve: Focus on proofreading to eliminate spelling and grammatical errors. Pay attention to possessive forms (e.g., "mother’s" instead of "mothers"), word choice ("sympathize" corrected to "synchronize"), and grammatical structure ("to become liberty" corrected to "to have more liberty"). Utilizing spelling and grammar check tools can also be beneficial. Additionally, take time to review and revise the essay before submission to ensure accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6.5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. Simple and compound sentences predominate, with limited use of complex structures. For example, in the second paragraph, the sentence "There are some fundamental changes in modern days" is straightforward and lacks complexity. A variety of sentence types, such as compound-complex or inverted structures, would enhance the essay’s overall quality and sophistication.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating complex sentences, using subordination and coordination effectively. For instance, you could integrate phrases like "While some argue…" or "In contrast to this viewpoint…" to introduce more intricate ideas. Varying sentence lengths and structures will contribute to a more engaging and polished essay.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable instances of errors. For instance, "A nuclear family would occur, followed by the mothers and fathers responsibilities," contains subject-verb agreement issues. Additionally, the sentence "This is because women nowadays have a social position" lacks clarity and may benefit from rephrasing. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences, are present.
  • How to improve: Enhance grammatical accuracy by carefully proofreading for subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper word usage. In the mentioned example, consider revising to "A nuclear family is emerging, with shared responsibilities for mothers and fathers." Pay attention to punctuation, especially the correct placement of commas in compound sentences. For clarity, rephrase ambiguous sentences to ensure the reader easily grasps the intended meaning.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates proficiency in expressing ideas, refining sentence structures for greater complexity and addressing grammatical errors will elevate the essay’s coherence and precision.

Bài sửa mẫu

The trend of changes in family structure and the roles of its members has been quite noticeable in recent years. The prevalence of nuclear families, along with the evolving responsibilities of mothers and fathers, can be attributed to various factors. I firmly believe that these changes bring about positive outcomes.

Significant societal changes have occurred in recent times. Firstly, households are increasingly characterized by the nuclear family structure for various reasons. The reason for this shift is that young couples often migrate to major cities in search of lucrative employment opportunities. For instance, many Vietnamese couples aspire to secure stable jobs in bustling cities like Hanoi or Ho Chi Minh City, aiming for financial independence and an improved standard of living.

Furthermore, I posit that the roles of each family member undergo transformation. In numerous instances, both parents contribute to covering the monthly expenses of the entire family. However, I fully endorse this viewpoint. Firstly, a nuclear family provides parents with greater freedom. They can choose their professions and engage in business ventures without concerns about their grandparents’ hindrance, consequently advancing in their careers.

Another advantage is that family roles contribute to the overall well-being of the family. As a result, enhancing the emotional well-being of both mothers and fathers. I anticipate that the nuclear family structure will become prevalent in the future, given its advantages and comprehensiveness.

In conclusion, the structure and roles within families are indeed undergoing significant changes. The shift towards nuclear families, along with the evolving roles of mothers and fathers, is driven by various factors. I firmly believe that these changes bring about positive outcomes, providing families with greater flexibility and contributing to their overall well-being.