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In recent years there has been a considerable rise in crimes committed by young people in cities. What have caused this? what solutions can you suggest

In recent years there has been a considerable rise in crimes committed by young people in cities. What have caused this? what solutions can you suggest

In recent years, the trend of young individuals committing crimes in cities has become prevalent. Personally, gang involvement and chances for making money are the primary contributors to this issue. To deal with this, the stricter rules should be enforced and more jobs should be offered.

Youngsters want to join gang because it offers them thrill and excitement. Illicit activities in gang are usually associated with drug dealings, fighting, escaping police and weapons trading. This provides opportunity for those seeking happiness from violence, leading them to commit crimes more likely. This likelihood is even higher in cities, where exist a significant portion of different gangs. Another cause is the opportunity to make money from malpractices like stealing, pickpocketing or robbery. Young people ,who are unable to find a job catering for their survival needs, may resort to negative methods to meet financial needs and therefore commit crime. Consider New York, where occurs at least five public thefts a day

Although it is a deleterious issue but there are certain solutions to overcome this. To diminish the number of youngsters joining gangs in cities, stricter rules should be implemented. For example, 5-year imprisonment for using violence hurting other people should be increased to 10-year, causing a sense of apprehension and reluctance for youngsters before conducting wrongdoings. Additionally, there should be a contribution of a good psychiatrist, aiding in seeking a therapy for those who use violence to entertain. The solution to stealing money requires an expansion of jobs, offering a source of income to who in need. To do this, more facilities should be built, meaning the demand for personnel increases, resulting in more people apply for job. This is easy to carry out in cities where have much space for construction

In conclusion, due to gang involvement, and opportunities for making money negatively in cities, numerous young people have committed crime. Severe as it is, stricter rules, good pshycological treatment and more jobs can be a great way to alleviate this issue.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In recent years, the trend of young individuals committing crimes in cities has become prevalent." -> "Recently, there has been a rising trend of young individuals engaging in criminal activities in urban areas."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality by replacing "has become prevalent" with "there has been a rising trend," providing a more academic tone.

  2. "Personally, gang involvement and chances for making money are the primary contributors to this issue." -> "Primarily, involvement in gangs and opportunities for financial gain contribute to this issue."
    Explanation: The revised sentence restructures the statement for clarity and formality, using "primarily" at the beginning and rearranging the sequence of ideas.

  3. "Youngsters want to join gang because it offers them thrill and excitement." -> "Young individuals aspire to join gangs due to the thrill and excitement they provide."
    Explanation: The improved sentence uses "aspire" instead of "want," contributing to a more sophisticated expression while maintaining a natural flow.

  4. "Illicit activities in gang are usually associated with drug dealings, fighting, escaping police and weapons trading." -> "Illicit activities within gangs are typically associated with drug trafficking, physical altercations, evading law enforcement, and arms trading."
    Explanation: The revised sentence employs more precise terms like "drug trafficking" and "arms trading," enhancing the academic tone and eliminating redundancy.

  5. "This provides opportunity for those seeking happiness from violence, leading them to commit crimes more likely." -> "This offers an opportunity for individuals who derive pleasure from violence, increasing the likelihood of their engagement in criminal activities."
    Explanation: The revision maintains clarity while replacing colloquial expressions like "seeking happiness" with more formal terms like "derive pleasure."

  6. "This likelihood is even higher in cities, where exist a significant portion of different gangs." -> "This likelihood is even higher in cities, where a substantial number of diverse gangs exist."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves the structure and formality by rephrasing "where exist" to "where a substantial number of diverse gangs exist."

  7. "Another cause is the opportunity to make money from malpractices like stealing, pickpocketing or robbery." -> "Another contributing factor is the opportunity to gain income through illicit activities such as theft, pickpocketing, or robbery."
    Explanation: The improved sentence uses "contributing factor" and replaces "malpractices" with "illicit activities," enhancing precision and formality.

  8. "Young people, who are unable to find a job catering for their survival needs, may resort to negative methods to meet financial needs and therefore commit crime." -> "Individuals unable to secure employment to meet their basic needs may resort to illicit means to fulfill financial requirements, leading to criminal activities."
    Explanation: The revised sentence eliminates informal phrasing, like "resort to negative methods," and uses more formal language for clarity.

  9. "Consider New York, where occurs at least five public thefts a day." -> "Consider New York, where at least five public thefts occur daily."
    Explanation: The revision corrects the placement of words for smoother syntax and employs the adverb "daily" for a more formal expression of frequency.

  10. "Although it is a deleterious issue but there are certain solutions to overcome this." -> "While it is a deleterious issue, there are specific solutions to address it."
    Explanation: The revised sentence maintains formality by replacing "but" with "while" and restructures the sentence for better coherence.

  11. "5-year imprisonment for using violence hurting other people should be increased to 10-year." -> "The imprisonment term for using violence that causes harm to others should be extended from 5 to 10 years."
    Explanation: The improved sentence uses "extended" for clarity and adheres to proper grammar for numerical values.

  12. "The solution to stealing money requires an expansion of jobs, offering a source of income to who in need." -> "Addressing the issue of stealing money necessitates job expansion, providing a source of income for those in need."
    Explanation: The revision uses more formal phrasing, replacing "to who" with "for those," and restructures the sentence for clarity.

  13. "This is easy to carry out in cities where have much space for construction." -> "This can be easily implemented in cities that have ample space for construction."
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves formality by replacing "carry out" with "implemented" and rephrases for smoother expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally addresses both aspects of the prompt: the causes of the rise in crimes by young people in cities and suggested solutions. However, it could provide more depth in analyzing the causes and offer more nuanced solutions. The mention of gang involvement and opportunities for making money is a good start, but the explanations could be more detailed.
    • How to improve: To improve, delve deeper into the causes and effects, providing more specific examples or statistics. Additionally, consider exploring alternative solutions and their potential implications.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, identifying gang involvement and lack of job opportunities as the main contributors to youth crime. The stance is consistent, providing a solid foundation for the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, consider explicitly stating the main argument or thesis in the introduction and reiterating it in the conclusion. This can reinforce the overall coherence of the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The ideas are presented, but some lack sufficient development. For instance, the essay briefly mentions gang involvement and opportunities for making money without providing in-depth analysis or examples. Additionally, the solutions could benefit from more elaboration.
    • How to improve: Extend the discussion by providing specific examples, evidence, or case studies to support each point. Elaborate on the proposed solutions, explaining how they could be implemented and their potential impact.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally veers off, such as the mention of New York’s public theft rate without a clear connection to the main argument. While it adds context, it may distract from the central theme.
    • How to improve: Maintain a strong connection to the prompt throughout the essay. Ensure that examples and details provided directly contribute to supporting the main argument rather than introducing unrelated information.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the prompt, offering insights into the causes of youth crime in cities and suggesting solutions. To improve, focus on providing more detailed analysis, supporting ideas with specific examples, and ensuring all information directly contributes to the central argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction and progresses through the body paragraphs to a coherent conclusion. The causes and solutions are adequately presented, and there is a logical flow of ideas.
    • How to Improve: To enhance logical organization, consider providing a stronger link between sentences and paragraphs. Use transition words more effectively to guide the reader through the essay. For instance, explicit transitional phrases could be employed at the beginning of each body paragraph to clearly signal shifts in focus.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but their structure could be more refined. Each paragraph should ideally contain a clear central idea, and there is some room for improvement in maintaining a consistent focus within each paragraph.
    • How to Improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details. Avoid mixing multiple ideas within a single paragraph. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into shorter ones to enhance readability and clarity. For instance, the paragraph discussing gang involvement could be divided into two distinct paragraphs—one addressing the thrill aspect and the other focusing on the financial motivations.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay employs cohesive devices, such as pronouns ("this," "it"), linking words ("although," "additionally"), and repetition of key terms ("violence"). However, there is room for improvement in the variety and precision of cohesive devices used.
    • How to Improve: Broaden the range of cohesive devices by incorporating a mix of conjunctions, transitional phrases, and synonyms. For instance, use cohesive devices like "however," "on the other hand," or "furthermore" to create more sophisticated connections between ideas. This will contribute to a smoother and more sophisticated flow of information.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a commendable coherence and cohesion with some minor areas for improvement. By refining the use of transitions, strengthening paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the essay can achieve an even higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially reaching a band score of 8.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. While some varied terms are employed, there is room for improvement in diversifying the vocabulary further. For instance, the repetition of terms like "violence" and "young people" could be addressed for a more expansive lexical resource. The usage of phrases such as "deleterious issue" and "negative methods" adds sophistication, but more synonyms and nuances could enhance the overall lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To improve, strive to incorporate a broader array of vocabulary. Synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and specialized terms can be utilized to convey ideas with precision. For instance, instead of repetitively using "young people," consider alternatives like "adolescents," "youth," or "juveniles." Introduce synonyms for common words, but ensure they are contextually appropriate.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally utilizes vocabulary with moderate precision. However, there are instances where terms could be used more accurately. For example, the phrase "negative methods" is somewhat vague. Being specific about the illicit activities, such as theft or violence, would enhance precision. Additionally, the term "malpractices" could be replaced with more specific terms like "criminal activities" or "unlawful behaviors" for clearer communication.
    • How to improve: To enhance precision, strive to choose words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Avoid vague terms and opt for more specific language. For example, instead of "negative methods," specify the criminal activities involved, such as "illicit behaviors" or "unlawful actions." Be mindful of the context and choose terms that accurately capture the nuances of your ideas.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy. However, there are a few instances of spelling errors, such as "pshycological" instead of "psychological." While these errors are infrequent, they can impact the overall impression of the essay.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider proofreading your work more thoroughly. Pay attention to commonly misspelled words, and consider using spell-check tools to catch errors. Developing a habit of reviewing your writing before submission can significantly enhance the overall spelling accuracy. Additionally, make a conscious effort to learn and remember correct spellings for words that are commonly misspelled.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of sentence structures. Simple and complex structures are used, but there’s room for improvement in terms of variety. For example, there’s a tendency towards shorter sentences, and the essay could benefit from incorporating more complex compound and compound-complex sentences. Additionally, the essay lacks the use of rhetorical devices or advanced syntactical structures that could enhance its overall sophistication.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences with varied lengths. Experiment with using subordinate clauses, conjunctions, and transition words to connect ideas. Introduce rhetorical devices, such as parallelism or antithesis, to add nuance to your expression.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly impede the flow. For example, in the sentence "Youngsters want to join gang because it offers them thrill and excitement," the article ‘a’ is missing before ‘gang,’ and the phrasing is somewhat awkward. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in phrases like "In recent years, the trend of young individuals committing crimes in cities has become prevalent."
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to article usage, especially before countable nouns like ‘gang.’ Review sentence structures for clarity and coherence. Proofread carefully to catch punctuation errors, ensuring proper comma placement in complex sentences. Consider seeking feedback from peers or utilizing grammar-checking tools to identify and correct these minor issues.

Overall, the essay demonstrates proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy. To enhance your score, focus on incorporating a wider variety of sentence structures and refining your grammar and punctuation, paying attention to detail.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent times, there has been a noticeable increase in the involvement of young individuals in criminal activities within urban areas. Primarily, participation in gangs and the availability of opportunities for financial gain contribute significantly to this issue. Young individuals are drawn to joining gangs because of the thrill and excitement they provide. Illicit activities within these groups are often linked to drug trafficking, physical altercations, evading law enforcement, and arms trading. This creates an avenue for individuals who derive pleasure from violence, increasing the likelihood of their engagement in criminal activities. This likelihood is even higher in cities, where a substantial number of diverse gangs exist.

Another contributing factor is the opportunity to gain income through illicit activities such as theft, pickpocketing, or robbery. Individuals unable to secure employment to meet their basic needs may resort to illicit means to fulfill financial requirements, leading to criminal activities. Take New York, for instance, where at least five public thefts occur daily.

While this is a concerning issue, there are specific solutions to address it. One approach is to extend the imprisonment term for using violence that causes harm to others from 5 to 10 years. This stricter punishment could create a sense of apprehension and reluctance for young individuals before engaging in wrongful activities. Additionally, addressing the issue of stealing money necessitates job expansion, providing a source of income for those in need. This can be easily implemented in cities that have ample space for construction.

In conclusion, due to gang involvement and opportunities for making money, there has been a surge in criminal activities among numerous young people in cities. While this is a severe issue, implementing stricter rules and job expansion, along with providing psychological support, can be effective ways to alleviate this problem.

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