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In recent years there has been a considerable rise in crimes committed by young people in cities. What have caused this? what solutions can you suggest

In recent years there has been a considerable rise in crimes committed by young people in cities. What have caused this? what solutions can you suggest

In recent years, the trend of young individuals committing crimes in cities has become prevalent. Personally, gang involvement and chances for making money are the primary contributors to this issue. To deal with this, the stricter rules should be enforced and more jobs should be offered.

Youngsters want to join in gang because it offers them thrill and excitement. Illicit activities in gang are usually associated with drug dealings, fighting, escaping police and weapons trading. This provides opportunity who those seeking happiness from violence, leading them to commit crimes more likely. This likelihood is even higher in cities, where exist a significant portion of different gangs. Another cause is the opportunity to make money from malpractices like stealing, pickpocketing or robbery. Young people ,who are unable to find a job catering for their survival needs, may resort to negative methods to meet financial needs. Consider New York, where occurs at least five public thefts a day

Although it is a deleterious issue but there are certain solutions to overcome this. To diminish the number of youngsters joining gangs in cities, stricter rules should be implemented. For example, 5-year imprisonment for using violence hurting other people should be increased to 10-year, causing a sense of apprehension and reluctance for youngsters before conducting wrongdoings. Additionally, there should be a contribution of a good psychiatrist, aiding in seeking a therapy for those who use violence to entertain. The solution to stealing money requires an expansion of jobs, offering a source of income to who in need. To do this, more facilities should be built, meaning the demand for personnel increases, resulting in more people apply for job. This is easy to carry out in cities where have much space for construction

In conclusion, due to gang involvement, and opportunities for making money negatively in cities, numerous young people have committed crime. Severe as it is, stricter rules, good pshycological treatment and more jobs can be a great way to alleviate this issue.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "In recent years, the trend of young individuals committing crimes in cities has become prevalent." -> "Recently, there has been a noticeable increase in the incidence of young individuals engaging in criminal activities in urban areas."
    Explanation: Replacing "the trend of young individuals committing crimes in cities has become prevalent" with "there has been a noticeable increase in the incidence of young individuals engaging in criminal activities in urban areas" provides a more formal and precise expression of the idea.

  2. "Personally, gang involvement and chances for making money are the primary contributors to this issue." -> "Primarily, involvement in gangs and the pursuit of monetary gains contribute significantly to this issue."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence by replacing "Personally, gang involvement and chances for making money are the primary contributors to this issue" with "Primarily, involvement in gangs and the pursuit of monetary gains contribute significantly to this issue" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.

  3. "Illicit activities in gang are usually associated with drug dealings, fighting, escaping police and weapons trading." -> "Criminal activities within gangs typically involve drug trafficking, physical altercations, evading law enforcement, and weapons trading."
    Explanation: Substituting "Illicit activities in gang" with "Criminal activities within gangs" and specifying the activities with more formal terms like "drug trafficking" and "physical altercations" improves the academic tone and precision of the sentence.

  4. "This provides opportunity who those seeking happiness from violence, leading them to commit crimes more likely." -> "This offers an opportunity to those who seek gratification from violence, prompting them to be more prone to committing crimes."
    Explanation: Changing "This provides opportunity who those seeking happiness from violence, leading them to commit crimes more likely" to "This offers an opportunity to those who seek gratification from violence, prompting them to be more prone to committing crimes" enhances the clarity and formality of the expression.

  5. "Consider New York, where occurs at least five public thefts a day" -> "Consider New York, where there are at least five public thefts occurring daily."
    Explanation: Adjusting "where occurs at least five public thefts a day" to "where there are at least five public thefts occurring daily" improves the grammatical structure and formality of the statement.

  6. "Although it is a deleterious issue but there are certain solutions to overcome this." -> "While it is a deleterious issue, there are specific solutions to address this problem."
    Explanation: Replacing "Although it is a deleterious issue but there are certain solutions to overcome this" with "While it is a deleterious issue, there are specific solutions to address this problem" removes redundancy and maintains a more formal tone.

  7. "To diminish the number of youngsters joining gangs in cities, stricter rules should be implemented." -> "To reduce the number of young individuals joining gangs in urban areas, more stringent regulations should be enforced."
    Explanation: Substituting "To diminish the number of youngsters joining gangs in cities" with "To reduce the number of young individuals joining gangs in urban areas" and using "more stringent regulations should be enforced" instead of "stricter rules should be implemented" enhances the formality and precision of the statement.

  8. "For example, 5-year imprisonment for using violence hurting other people should be increased to 10-year, causing a sense of apprehension and reluctance for youngsters before conducting wrongdoings." -> "For instance, the sentence for violent offenses causing harm to others, currently set at 5 years, should be extended to 10 years, instilling a sense of apprehension and reluctance among young individuals contemplating wrongdoing."
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and precision, and replacing "5-year imprisonment for using violence hurting other people" with "the sentence for violent offenses causing harm to others, currently set at 5 years," improves the academic style and expression.

  9. "Additionally, there should be a contribution of a good psychiatrist, aiding in seeking a therapy for those who use violence to entertain." -> "Moreover, the involvement of competent psychiatrists should be considered to facilitate therapy for individuals who resort to violence for entertainment."
    Explanation: Replacing "Additionally, there should be a contribution of a good psychiatrist, aiding in seeking a therapy for those who use violence to entertain" with "Moreover, the involvement of competent psychiatrists should be considered to facilitate therapy for individuals who resort to violence for entertainment" maintains formality and clarity.

  10. "To do this, more facilities should be built, meaning the demand for personnel increases, resulting in more people apply for job." -> "To achieve this, additional facilities should be constructed, leading to an increased demand for personnel and subsequently more individuals applying for jobs."
    Explanation: Replacing "To do this, more facilities should be built, meaning the demand for personnel increases, resulting in more people apply for job" with "To achieve this, additional facilities should be constructed, leading to an increased demand for personnel and subsequently more individuals applying for jobs" improves the precision and formality of the expression.

  11. "This is easy to carry out in cities where have much space for construction." -> "This can be easily implemented in cities that have ample space for construction."
    Explanation: Adjusting "This is easy to carry out in cities where have much space for construction" to "This can be easily implemented in cities that have ample space for construction" enhances the formality and clarity of the statement.

  12. "In conclusion, due to gang involvement, and opportunities for making money negatively in cities, numerous young people have committed crime." -> "In conclusion, the prevalence of gang involvement and the lack of opportunities for making money in cities have led to a significant number of young individuals engaging in criminal activities."
    Explanation: Substituting "due to gang involvement, and opportunities for making money negatively in cities" with "the prevalence of gang involvement and the lack of opportunities for making money in cities" improves the precision and formality of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay provides a thorough response to both parts of the question. It identifies gang involvement and economic opportunities as the main causes and suggests stricter rules and more job opportunities as solutions. Relevant sections are well-cited, demonstrating a clear understanding of the prompt.

    • How to Improve: To enhance the comprehensiveness of the answer, consider providing more nuanced explanations for each cause and solution. Additionally, ensure that each point is elaborated to its full potential.

  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The stance is evident: young people commit crimes due to gang involvement and economic hardships, and the solutions involve stricter rules and more job opportunities.

    • How to Improve: While the position is clear, ensure that it is explicitly stated in the introduction and conclusion for emphasis. Also, be cautious not to introduce conflicting ideas that may undermine the clarity of the stance.

  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed Explanation: The ideas are presented adequately, with examples provided to support each point. The mention of gang involvement and economic factors is extended through explanations and instances, offering a well-developed argument.

    • How to Improve: To further improve, consider adding more depth to the analysis of each cause and solution. Provide additional examples or evidence to reinforce the argument and make it more persuasive.

  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed Explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the causes and solutions related to the rise in crimes committed by young people in cities. However, there are slight deviations, such as the mention of New York’s theft rate, which, while related, could be more directly tied to the main discussion.

    • How to Improve: Maintain a stronger connection to the main topic throughout the essay. Avoid introducing information that, while relevant, may divert attention from the primary focus. Ensure that all examples and details directly contribute to the central argument.

In conclusion, the essay effectively addresses the task response criteria, offering a clear position, supporting ideas with examples, and staying mostly on topic. To improve, aim for more comprehensive explanations, explicit statements of the essay’s stance, additional depth in supporting ideas, and a tighter focus on the main topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. The introduction provides a clear overview of the issue, and each body paragraph addresses a specific cause or solution. However, there are instances where the development of ideas could be more connected. For instance, the transition between discussing gang involvement and opportunities for making money is somewhat abrupt, lacking a smoother segue.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider incorporating transitional phrases that guide the reader from one point to the next. For example, using phrases like "Moreover" or "Furthermore" can help create a more cohesive progression of ideas.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally employs paragraphs effectively. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the problem or proposed solution. However, the third paragraph could benefit from further development and separation of ideas. The discussion about stricter rules and psychological treatment is somewhat compressed, making it challenging for the reader to discern distinct points.
    • How to improve: Break down the third paragraph into two separate paragraphs. The first can delve into the importance of stricter rules, and the second can address the significance of psychological treatment. This will not only improve clarity but also provide a more structured presentation of ideas.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a basic range of cohesive devices, such as transitions like "although" and "additionally." However, there is room for improvement in the use of cohesive devices within paragraphs. Some sentences appear disjointed, lacking a smooth connection to the preceding or succeeding sentences.
    • How to improve: Enhance the essay’s coherence by incorporating a wider variety of cohesive devices, such as pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned concepts or using synonyms to avoid repetition. Also, consider the use of parallel structures to create a more harmonious flow within sentences.

Overall, while the essay presents a coherent structure, refining the connections between ideas, separating certain paragraphs for clarity, and diversifying the use of cohesive devices will contribute to a more polished and cohesive essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a moderate range of vocabulary. It includes terms like "prevalent," "illicit activities," "malpractices," and "apprehension," showcasing an attempt at variety. However, there is room for improvement as some words are repeated, and certain concepts could be expressed using a more diverse vocabulary.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider exploring synonyms and alternative expressions for commonly used words. For instance, instead of frequently using "youngsters," consider terms like "adolescents," "juveniles," or "youth." Varying your word choice will add sophistication to your writing.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of precise and imprecise vocabulary. For instance, the use of "malpractices" accurately conveys the idea of illicit activities. However, terms like "deleterious" might be considered overly formal or unnecessary in this context, where simpler language could effectively communicate the point.
    • How to improve: Aim for a balance in vocabulary precision. Use precise terms where needed but also prioritize clarity. Consider your audience and the context of each word. Replace overly complex terms with simpler alternatives to ensure your message is easily understood.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several spelling errors in the essay, such as "pshycological" instead of "psychological" and "wrongdoings" instead of "wrongdoings." These errors can impact the overall impression of your writing.
    • How to improve: Proofread your essay carefully to catch spelling mistakes. You may also consider using spell-check tools to identify and correct errors. Developing a habit of reviewing your work before submission will contribute to improved spelling accuracy.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and attempts to use a varied vocabulary, there is room for refinement. Focusing on vocabulary diversity, precision, and improving spelling accuracy will contribute to an enhanced lexical resource, ultimately boosting the overall quality of your essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple and compound sentences. However, there is a lack of complex sentences, and the essay tends to rely on basic structures. For example, many sentences follow a straightforward subject-verb-object pattern, contributing to a lack of variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance the essay’s grammatical range, incorporate more complex sentence structures, such as compound-complex sentences and varied sentence beginnings. Introduce subordinate clauses and use more sophisticated conjunctions to connect ideas. This will add depth and complexity to your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits some grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("Youngsters want to join in gang") and preposition usage ("opportunity who those seeking happiness").
    • How to improve: Proofread your writing carefully to identify and correct grammatical errors. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tenses, and proper use of prepositions. Additionally, work on punctuation skills, including proper comma placement and the use of apostrophes. Consult grammar resources or seek feedback to address specific grammar issues observed in the essay.

Overall, the essay displays a satisfactory level of grammatical range and accuracy, but there is room for improvement. Incorporating more diverse sentence structures and addressing specific grammatical errors will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, there has been a noticeable increase in the incidence of young individuals engaging in criminal activities in urban areas. Primarily, involvement in gangs and the pursuit of monetary gains contribute significantly to this issue. Criminal activities within gangs typically involve drug trafficking, physical altercations, evading law enforcement, and weapons trading. This offers an opportunity to those who seek gratification from violence, prompting them to be more prone to committing crimes. Consider New York, where there are at least five public thefts occurring daily. While it is a deleterious issue, there are specific solutions to address this problem.

To reduce the number of young individuals joining gangs in urban areas, more stringent regulations should be enforced. For instance, the sentence for violent offenses causing harm to others, currently set at 5 years, should be extended to 10 years, instilling a sense of apprehension and reluctance among young individuals contemplating wrongdoing. Moreover, the involvement of competent psychiatrists should be considered to facilitate therapy for individuals who resort to violence for entertainment. To achieve this, additional facilities should be constructed, leading to an increased demand for personnel and subsequently more individuals applying for jobs. This can be easily implemented in cities that have ample space for construction.

In conclusion, the prevalence of gang involvement and the lack of opportunities for making money in cities have led to a significant number of young individuals engaging in criminal activities. To address this issue, implementing stricter regulations and providing psychological support, along with creating more job opportunities, can be effective solutions.

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