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In some countries, a high proportion of criminal acts are committed by teenagers. Why has this happened? What can be done to deal with this?

In some countries, a high proportion of criminal acts are committed by teenagers. Why has this happened? What can be done to deal with this?

It is acknowledged that the rate of juvenile crimes has been highly increasing in some nations. This phenomenon can be attributed to the excessive exposure of violent contents on the Internet and domestic violence, and this essay will shed light on viable solutions to address this issue.
There are several driving factors contributing to the rise of juvenile delinquency rate. Chief of these is the number of uncontrolled violent contents on the Internet. With the unprecedented development of technology and the wide coverage of social networks, teenagers are possibly prone to aggressive and abusive content in the form of online games or videos. The high frequency of exposure, along with the unawareness of the right or wrong among youngsters, can lead to the dramatic growth in youth crimes. In addition, juvenile crimes can also stem from the violence in their families. The consequence of these dysfunctional families can pose a threat to children’s behaviors, as those growing in these families are more likely to imitate and commit wrongdoings in the future.
Several solutions can be done to tackle this issue. First and foremost, the onus is on schools and parents to solve the high rate of youth crime. Educational institutions and parents should organize more extracurricular activities such as sports for students to engage in, with a view to reducing their time being glued to the screen. In addition, violent and abusive content aimed for teenagers on the Internet should be regulated strictly by the governments. Furthermore, parents should set examples for their kids, as any of their behavior can reverberate through generations.
In conclusion, a high percentage of wrongdoings committed by youngsters can be ascribed to the excessive exposure of violent content on the Internet and domestic violence. Personally, both governments and parents should take concerted actions to solve this issue


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "highly increasing" -> "steadily increasing"
    Explanation: "Highly increasing" sounds colloquial and lacks precision. "Steadily increasing" is a more formal and appropriate phrase to describe a consistent rise in juvenile crimes.

  2. "This phenomenon can be attributed to" -> "This trend can be attributed to"
    Explanation: "Phenomenon" is a bit broad in this context. Using "trend" provides a clearer and more specific term to describe the rise in juvenile crimes due to certain factors.

  3. "shed light on viable solutions" -> "explore viable solutions"
    Explanation: The phrase "shed light on" is somewhat informal. "Explore" is a more suitable alternative that maintains academic tone and clarity.

  4. "Chief of these is" -> "Foremost among these is"
    Explanation: "Chief of these" sounds slightly informal. "Foremost among these" is a more formal and appropriate phrase to introduce the primary factor contributing to the issue.

  5. "uncontrolled violent contents" -> "unrestricted violent content"
    Explanation: "Contents" is plural and doesn’t align with the singular "content." Using "content" in the singular form and replacing "uncontrolled" with "unrestricted" maintains grammatical accuracy and improves clarity.

  6. "possibly prone" -> "potentially susceptible"
    Explanation: "Possibly prone" is redundant; "prone" already implies possibility. "Potentially susceptible" is a more concise and academically appropriate phrase.

  7. "can lead to the dramatic growth" -> "can result in a significant increase"
    Explanation: "Dramatic growth" is a bit informal. Using "result in a significant increase" maintains formality and precision.

  8. "unawareness of the right or wrong" -> "lack of discernment between right and wrong"
    Explanation: "Unawareness" is less formal. "Lack of discernment between right and wrong" offers a more precise and academic description.

  9. "stem from" -> "arise from"
    Explanation: "Stem from" is slightly informal. "Arise from" maintains formality and clarity.

  10. "can pose a threat to children’s behaviors" -> "can influence children’s behavior negatively"
    Explanation: The phrase "pose a threat to" is slightly informal. Using "influence children’s behavior negatively" provides a clearer description.

  11. "more likely to imitate and commit wrongdoings" -> "more prone to imitation and engaging in wrongdoing"
    Explanation: "Commit wrongdoings" is less formal. Using "engaging in wrongdoing" is a more formal and academically suitable alternative.

  12. "First and foremost" -> "Primarily"
    Explanation: "First and foremost" is slightly informal. "Primarily" maintains formality and conciseness.

  13. "the onus is on" -> "responsibility lies with"
    Explanation: "The onus is on" is slightly informal. "Responsibility lies with" offers a more formal alternative.

  14. "being glued to the screen" -> "excessively using screens"
    Explanation: "Being glued to the screen" is informal. "Excessively using screens" is a more formal and descriptive phrase.

  15. "aimed for teenagers" -> "targeted at teenagers"
    Explanation: "Aimed for" is less formal. "Targeted at" is a more appropriate and formal phrase.

  16. "should be regulated strictly" -> "should be tightly regulated"
    Explanation: "Regulated strictly" can be simplified to "tightly regulated" for conciseness and formality.

  17. "set examples for their kids" -> "set a positive example for their children"
    Explanation: "Set examples" is less formal. "Set a positive example" is more precise and academically appropriate.

  18. "reverberate through generations" -> "have lasting impacts across generations"
    Explanation: "Reverberate through generations" is less formal. "Have lasting impacts across generations" maintains formality and provides clearer meaning.

  19. "high percentage of wrongdoings" -> "significant increase in delinquent behavior"
    Explanation: "High percentage of wrongdoings" lacks precision. "Significant increase in delinquent behavior" is a more accurate and formal description.

  20. "take concerted actions" -> "take collaborative action"
    Explanation: "Concerted actions" is slightly informal. "Collaborative action" is a more formal and appropriate phrase in an academic context.

These suggested improvements aim to enhance the essay’s formality, precision, and clarity, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

  1. Quoted text: "It is acknowledged that the rate of juvenile crimes has been highly increasing in some nations. This phenomenon can be attributed to the excessive exposure of violent contents on the Internet and domestic violence, and this essay will shed light on viable solutions to address this issue."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your introduction successfully acknowledges the issue and provides a clear thesis statement outlining the causes and solutions. However, to enhance clarity, consider briefly summarizing the main causes and solutions you will discuss in the body paragraphs. This will provide readers with a roadmap for your essay.
    • Improved example: "The surge in juvenile crimes in certain nations is primarily linked to the widespread availability of violent content on the Internet and incidents of domestic violence. In this essay, I will delve into the impacts of these factors on youth behavior and propose viable solutions to address this concerning trend."
  2. Quoted text: "Chief of these is the number of uncontrolled violent contents on the Internet. With the unprecedented development of technology and the wide coverage of social networks, teenagers are possibly prone to aggressive and abusive content in the form of online games or videos. The high frequency of exposure, along with the unawareness of the right or wrong among youngsters, can lead to the dramatic growth in youth crimes. In addition, juvenile crimes can also stem from the violence in their families. The consequence of these dysfunctional families can pose a threat to children’s behaviors, as those growing in these families are more likely to imitate and commit wrongdoings in the future."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your explanation of the causes is generally sound, but there’s a tendency to overgeneralize. Try to provide more specific examples or details to support your points. For instance, how exactly does exposure to online violent content impact behavior? Additionally, while you touch on domestic violence, further elaboration on its direct influence on juvenile behavior would strengthen your argument.
    • Improved example: "The ubiquity of uncontrolled violent content on the Internet, such as aggressive online games or videos, significantly influences teenagers’ behavior. For instance, prolonged exposure to such content may desensitize youngsters to violence, fostering an environment where they are more likely to engage in delinquent activities. Moreover, domestic violence within families can further exacerbate this issue, directly shaping the behavior of impressionable children who may mimic the aggressive tendencies they witness at home."
  3. Quoted text: "Several solutions can be done to tackle this issue. First and foremost, the onus is on schools and parents to solve the high rate of youth crime. Educational institutions and parents should organize more extracurricular activities such as sports for students to engage in, with a view to reducing their time being glued to the screen. In addition, violent and abusive content aimed for teenagers on the Internet should be regulated strictly by the governments. Furthermore, parents should set examples for their kids, as any of their behavior can reverberate through generations."

    • Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: Your proposed solutions are clear and relevant, but they could benefit from more nuanced development. Provide specific examples of successful programs or initiatives in schools that have effectively reduced juvenile delinquency. Additionally, consider elaborating on how government regulation of online content would be practically implemented. Adding real-world examples or case studies would bolster your argument.
    • Improved example: "To effectively address the rising youth crime rate, schools can implement targeted extracurricular programs, such as mentoring initiatives or community service projects, proven to foster positive behavior among students. Government regulations should not only restrict violent online content but also incentivize the creation of educational and pro-social alternatives. For instance, countries like [specific example] have successfully implemented strict content regulations, resulting in a noticeable decline in juvenile delinquency."

Overall, while your essay effectively addresses the task, further refinement in providing specific examples and details will elevate the depth and persuasiveness of your argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of coherence and cohesion. The introduction sets the stage by presenting the topic and outlining the essay’s main points. Throughout the essay, there is a discernible progression of ideas, with each paragraph addressing a specific aspect of the issue. The use of cohesive devices is effective in connecting sentences and ideas within paragraphs.

However, there are instances where the cohesion within and between sentences could be improved. For example, the transition between the discussion of causes and solutions could be smoother. Additionally, some sentences lack explicit connections to the main topic of the paragraph, affecting overall clarity. Paragraphing is generally logical, but there is room for improvement in maintaining a consistent focus within each paragraph.

How to improve:

  1. Enhance Sentence-Level Cohesion: Ensure that each sentence contributes clearly to the overall coherence of the paragraph. Use transitional phrases or conjunctions where necessary to guide the reader through the flow of ideas.

  2. Strengthen Transitions Between Ideas: Pay attention to the flow between paragraphs, especially when transitioning from discussing causes to proposing solutions. Use explicit transitional sentences to connect these different aspects smoothly.

  3. Maintain Focus Within Paragraphs: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central topic and that all sentences directly support or relate to that topic. This will contribute to a more organized and coherent structure.

By addressing these points, the essay can achieve a more polished level of coherence and cohesion, potentially reaching a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a sufficient range of vocabulary, allowing for flexibility and precision in expressing ideas. The writer employs less common lexical items with some awareness of style and collocation, contributing to a relatively sophisticated use of language. There is evidence of an attempt to convey precise meanings with the use of varied vocabulary. While occasional errors in word choice, spelling, and word formation are present, they do not significantly impede communication. The essay effectively addresses the prompt, discussing the causes of juvenile crime and proposing viable solutions.

How to Improve:
To enhance the Lexical Resource and potentially move to a higher band, the writer should focus on consistently using a wider range of vocabulary with more natural and sophisticated control. Paying extra attention to accuracy in word choice and collocation will further refine the essay’s language. Proofreading for minor errors in spelling and word formation can help maintain a smoother flow and contribute to a more polished piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation: The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation, with a variety of complex sentence structures. The majority of sentences are error-free, contributing to a smooth and clear communication of ideas. The essay effectively addresses the prompt, providing relevant explanations for the increase in juvenile crimes and suggesting practical solutions. However, there are a few instances where sentence structures could be further refined for enhanced clarity.

How to improve: To improve, pay attention to sentence structures and ensure that they contribute to a clearer expression of ideas. While the essay is generally well-organized, consider refining a few sentences to enhance precision. Additionally, proofread carefully to catch any minor errors or inappropriacies that may have occurred as ‘slips’. Overall, maintain the balance of complex structures and aim for full flexibility and accuracy in grammar usage.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that the incidence of youth committing criminal acts has been steadily increasing in certain nations. This trend can be attributed to the uncontrolled exposure to violent content on the Internet and domestic violence. This essay will explore viable solutions to address these critical issues.

There are several driving factors contributing to the rise in juvenile delinquency rates. Foremost among these is the proliferation of unregulated violent content on the Internet. With the rapid advancements in technology and widespread use of social networks, teenagers are potentially susceptible to encountering aggressive and abusive content, such as online games or videos. The frequent exposure, coupled with a lack of discernment between right and wrong among youngsters, can result in a significant increase in youth crimes. Furthermore, juvenile offenses can also arise from violence within their families. The repercussions of dysfunctional family environments can significantly influence children’s behavior negatively, making those raised in such conditions more prone to imitation and engaging in wrongdoing.

Several solutions can be implemented to address this issue. Primarily, the responsibility lies with schools and parents to mitigate the high rate of youth crime. Educational institutions and parents should organize more extracurricular activities, such as sports, to engage students and reduce their excessive use of screens. Additionally, governments should tightly regulate violent and abusive content targeted at teenagers on the Internet. Furthermore, parents should set a positive example for their children, understanding that their behavior can have lasting impacts across generations.

In conclusion, a high proportion of wrongdoings committed by youngsters can be ascribed to the excessive exposure to violent content on the Internet and domestic violence. Collaborative action by governments and parents is essential to address and mitigate these issues effectively.

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