In some countries, celebrities complain about the way the media publicize their private lives. Some people say that they should accept it as part of their fame. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Famous celebrities have to deal with the invasion of their private lifes by media publicity. Some take this as a opportunities to gain attention from the audiences, while others consider it as a bothersome. However, some people argue that they should embrace it as a part of their reputation. While some may dispute this notion, I belive it holds a rationale when assessing on different categories of famous people.
On one hand, those who attain their stardom by drawing attention to themselves rather than having exceptional talent should accept a certain level of intrusion by the media. It is not uncommon to see numerous high-profile public figures showing their personal lives and the extravagant lifestyle to attract attention for their own benefits without making any single significant contribution to the society. The Kardashian serves as a clear sample of this phenomenon, as they only gained notoriety from scandals. Such figures should welcome the curiosity from populace with every detail of their activities, as it would be the material to help them maintaining and improving their reputation.
In contrast to those who using fame as a tool to gain benefits, there are also exceptional celebrities, on various aspects of entertainments, such as sports, music, movie, e.g., that dedicate their entire lives to advance their practices and achieve popularity through their professional endeavors. These individuals should be admire solely for their contributions and respected just like any other ordinary member of society. Moreover, in the bad scenario, the over-curiosity from community affects the relevant relatives or family of the celebrity, disrupting their lives physically and mentally. To exemplify, the eminent Japanese ice-skating athlete Hanyu Yuzuru had to divorce his wife after a month of marriage due to the privacy invasion from the public, resulting in the deterioration of mental health, along with his morale and performance in his career. Those talents deserve to receive the recognition for their devotion to professions and the respects from audiances, not only on their career but also their personal lives.
In conclusion, it is true that not all celebrities are the same, some of them ultilized the media as a tool for profits then they should welcome and accept the inevitable instrusion of media. However, other talent figures deserve respect for their privacy, and the media should not overstep the boundary in such cases.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Famous celebrities have to deal with the invasion of their private lifes" -> "Famous celebrities must contend with the invasion of their private lives"
Explanation: "Must contend with" is a more formal and precise expression than "have to deal with," and "private lives" is the correct plural form.
"Some take this as a opportunities" -> "Some view this as opportunities"
Explanation: "View" is more formal than "take," and removing "a" before "opportunities" corrects the grammatical error.
"others consider it as a bothersome" -> "others consider it bothersome"
Explanation: Removing "a" before "bothersome" corrects the grammatical error, and the phrase flows better without "as."
"I belive" -> "I believe"
Explanation: Corrects the spelling error from "belive" to "believe."
"when assessing on different categories of famous people" -> "when considering different categories of famous individuals"
Explanation: "Considering" is more formal than "assessing on," and "individuals" is more precise than "people" in an academic context.
"The Kardashian serves as a clear sample" -> "The Kardashians serve as a clear example"
Explanation: "Kardashians" is plural, and "example" is the correct noun form for this context.
"help them maintaining" -> "help them maintain"
Explanation: "Maintain" is the correct verb form in this context.
"using fame as a tool to gain benefits" -> "utilizing fame as a tool to gain benefits"
Explanation: "Utilizing" is more formal and precise than "using."
"on various aspects of entertainments" -> "in various aspects of entertainment"
Explanation: "Entertainment" should be singular to match the context, and "in" is the correct preposition.
"e.g., that dedicate their entire lives" -> "such as those who dedicate their entire lives"
Explanation: "Such as" is more appropriate for introducing examples in formal writing.
"These individuals should be admire" -> "These individuals should be admired"
Explanation: "Admired" is the correct form of the verb.
"the over-curiosity from community" -> "the over-curiosity of the community"
Explanation: "Of the community" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"the bad scenario" -> "the worst-case scenario"
Explanation: "Worst-case scenario" is a more formal and commonly accepted phrase in academic writing.
"the audiances" -> "the audience"
Explanation: "Audience" is the correct noun form.
"ultilized the media as a tool for profits" -> "utilized the media as a tool for profit"
Explanation: "Utilized" corrects the spelling error, and "profit" should be singular when referring to the concept.
"then they should welcome and accept the inevitable instrusion of media" -> "then they should welcome and accept the inevitable intrusion of the media"
Explanation: "Intrusion" corrects the spelling error, and "of the media" is necessary for clarity and formality.
"other talent figures deserve respect for their privacy" -> "other talented figures deserve respect for their privacy"
Explanation: "Talented" is the correct adjective form, and "figures" is the correct noun form.

These changes enhance the formal tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding whether celebrities should accept media intrusion as part of their fame. The writer presents a balanced view, acknowledging that some celebrities benefit from media attention while others suffer from it. However, the response could be clearer in delineating the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement, as the conclusion seems somewhat ambiguous.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion. This could involve clearly defining the extent of agreement or disagreement (e.g., "I partially agree that…") to provide a more direct answer to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout: – Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that acknowledges both sides of the argument but lacks a consistent stance. Phrases like "some may dispute this notion" and "it holds a rationale" create ambiguity about the writer’s true position. The conclusion attempts to summarize the argument but does not clearly articulate the writer’s overall viewpoint.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that their position is clear from the beginning and maintained throughout the essay. Using definitive language to express agreement or disagreement and summarizing this stance in the conclusion will strengthen the overall clarity of the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas, such as the distinction between celebrities who seek attention and those who do not. The examples provided, such as the Kardashians and Hanyu Yuzuru, are effective in illustrating the points made. However, some ideas could be further developed. For instance, the discussion of the negative impacts on celebrities’ families is introduced but not thoroughly explored.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. Expanding on the consequences of media intrusion on families and offering additional examples would enhance the depth of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of media intrusion on celebrities. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing the Kardashian family without fully connecting it back to the main argument about fame and privacy.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether celebrities should accept media intrusion. This can be achieved by linking examples and arguments more explicitly to the prompt, ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering the question.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments and examples. However, clarity in position, deeper development of ideas, and tighter focus on the prompt will help elevate the score further.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction that outlines the topic and two main body paragraphs that explore contrasting viewpoints. The first paragraph discusses celebrities who leverage media attention for personal gain, while the second addresses those who deserve privacy due to their genuine contributions. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the Kardashian example to exceptional celebrities lacks a clear linking sentence that would help the reader follow the argument more seamlessly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer transition phrases at the beginning of each paragraph and between ideas. For example, phrases like "On the other hand" or "Conversely" can help signal shifts in perspective. Additionally, summarizing the main point of one paragraph before transitioning to the next can reinforce the logical progression of your argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for clarity. Each paragraph has a main idea, and the structure is generally effective. However, the first body paragraph could benefit from a moredefined topic sentence that encapsulates the main point about celebrities who thrive on media attention. Furthermore, the conclusion could be more distinct, as it currently feels somewhat merged with the final body paragraph.
- How to improve: Strengthen the topic sentences of each paragraph to clearly outline the main idea. For instance, the first body paragraph could start with a sentence like, "Celebrities who build their fame on public intrigue must accept the media’s scrutiny as part of their brand." This would provide a clearer focus. Ensure that the conclusion is a separate paragraph that summarizes the key arguments and reiterates your stance succinctly.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as conjunctions and referencing. Phrases like "on one hand" and "in contrast" are effectively employed to differentiate between the two perspectives. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices is either repetitive or could be more varied. For example, the phrase "should accept" appears multiple times, which can make the writing feel monotonous.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using synonyms or alternative phrases to express similar ideas. Instead of repeatedly saying "should accept," you might use "ought to embrace" or "must acknowledge." Additionally, incorporating more complex cohesive devices, such as "not only… but also" or "despite this," can enhance the sophistication of your writing. Aim to create a more varied and engaging narrative flow.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to a higher band score in future assessments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "invasion," "publicity," "notoriety," and "extraordinary." However, the use of vocabulary is somewhat limited in variety and sophistication. For instance, phrases like "bothersome" and "gained attention" could be replaced with more nuanced expressions such as "intrusive" or "captured public interest." Additionally, the phrase "high-profile public figures" is somewhat repetitive in the context of discussing celebrities.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should explore synonyms and related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "celebrities," they could use "public figures," "famous personalities," or "notable individuals." Engaging with more complex phrases and idiomatic expressions would also elevate the lexical resource.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that detract from the clarity of the argument. For example, the phrase "embrace it as a part of their reputation" could be misleading; "reputation" typically refers to how one is perceived rather than the acceptance of media intrusion. Additionally, the term "bothersome" lacks the depth needed to convey the seriousness of privacy invasion.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects the intended meaning. Instead of "bothersome," they might consider "intrusive" or "disruptive." Furthermore, using phrases like "accept media scrutiny as part of their public persona" would provide clearer meaning and enhance precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "lifes" (should be "lives"), "belive" (should be "believe"), "admire" (should be "admired"), "utilized" (should be "utilised" in British English), and "instrusion" (should be "intrusion"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and maintaining a list of challenging vocabulary can help reinforce correct spelling in future writing.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, improving precision in word choice, and enhancing spelling accuracy—the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion of the IELTS writing assessment.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of conditional clauses (“While some may dispute this notion, I believe it holds a rationale…”) effectively introduces contrasting ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "there are" or "those who." This can make the writing feel less dynamic.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could experiment with different ways to introduce ideas. For example, instead of starting with "there are" or "those who," they could use participial phrases or adverbial clauses to vary the sentence openings. Additionally, incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses could enhance the sophistication of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, "the invasion of their private lifes" should be "the invasion of their private lives," and "a opportunities" should be "an opportunity." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as missing commas in compound sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences. For example, in the sentence “Moreover, in the bad scenario, the over-curiosity from community affects the relevant relatives or family of the celebrity, disrupting their lives physically and mentally,” the phrase could benefit from clearer punctuation to delineate ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement, pluralization, and article usage. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will improve clarity and coherence.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced argument, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Famous celebrities must contend with the invasion of their private lives by media publicity. Some view this as an opportunity to gain attention from the audience, while others consider it bothersome. However, some people argue that they should embrace it as a part of their fame. While some may dispute this notion, I believe it holds merit when considering different categories of famous individuals.

On one hand, those who attain their stardom by drawing attention to themselves rather than showcasing exceptional talent should accept a certain level of intrusion by the media. It is not uncommon to see numerous high-profile public figures displaying their personal lives and extravagant lifestyles to attract attention for their own benefits without making any significant contributions to society. The Kardashians serve as a clear example of this phenomenon, as they gained notoriety primarily from scandals. Such figures should welcome the curiosity of the public regarding every detail of their activities, as it would help them maintain and improve their reputation.

In contrast to those who utilize fame as a tool for personal gain, there are also exceptional celebrities in various aspects of entertainment, such as sports, music, and film, who dedicate their entire lives to advancing their craft and achieving popularity through their professional endeavors. These individuals should be admired solely for their contributions and respected just like any other ordinary member of society. Moreover, in the worst-case scenario, the over-curiosity of the community can negatively affect the relatives or family of the celebrity, disrupting their lives both physically and mentally. For example, the eminent Japanese ice-skating athlete Hanyu Yuzuru faced significant personal challenges, including a divorce shortly after his marriage, due to the invasion of his privacy by the public, which ultimately affected his mental health, morale, and performance in his career. These talented individuals deserve recognition for their devotion to their professions and respect from the audience, not only in their careers but also in their personal lives.

In conclusion, it is true that not all celebrities are the same; some have utilized the media as a tool for profit and should therefore welcome and accept the inevitable intrusion of the media. However, other talented figures deserve respect for their privacy, and the media should not overstep boundaries in such cases.