In some countries, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

In many nations around the world, people have adviced the children that they can obtain they wanted things if they accept to do everything because of them. While some arguments about the disadvantages of this talk have been appeared and debated, I believe that they have paled in comparison with the benefits.
On the one hand, there have been some undeniable reasons that this talk can lead the children to the bad effect. The key rationale is that some goals need more than only trying. For instance, when the children have targetted themself to go to a top-notch school, they not only must to be hard-working in studying, but they also need to have the suitable strategies, the assistance from experience people and other factors such as the lucky and smart to get higher score. This trend also exerts the negative influence on their health. If the children concentrate too much on the attempts, under the pressure with them and do not take care of the emotion, the brain and other parts in their body, it will make them feel angry, disappointed about themself and want to give up.
On the other hand, while I acknowledge the problems of this talk, I also agree that they are far outweighted by the advantages. The main one is that trying is the main thing that determines somebody to success or failure. A good example can be seen that unless the children spend time on studying and finding materials related to their objective, they will not have anything adapt to their demands to get high point. Furthermore, this talk can become a motivation that inspired to their positive feelings to widen their knowledge and skills.
In conclusion, both ideas have their own merits. On balance, however, I suppose that the rate of success will be higher if the children make effort to complete their aim and they need to mix them with the support from other people, their best intention and ability.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"adviced" -> "advised"
Explanation: "Adviced" is a misspelling of "advised." Using the correct term improves the grammatical accuracy and formality of the sentence.
"they wanted things" -> "what they want"
Explanation: "They wanted things" is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. "What they want" is a more concise and grammatically accurate alternative.
"accept to do everything because of them" -> "agree to do everything for them"
Explanation: "Accept to do everything because of them" is awkward and lacks clarity. "Agree to do everything for them" is clearer and more idiomatic.
"While some arguments about the disadvantages of this talk have been appeared and debated" -> "While some arguments against the disadvantages of this idea have been presented and debated"
Explanation: "Have been appeared" is incorrect grammar. "Presented" is a more precise and formal term. "This talk" is vague; "this idea" is more specific.
"I believe that they have paled in comparison with the benefits" -> "I believe that they are outweighed by the benefits"
Explanation: "Paled in comparison with" is a less concise expression. "Outweighed by" is more direct and formal.
"there have been some undeniable reasons that this talk can lead the children to the bad effect" -> "there are undeniable reasons that this idea can have negative effects on children"
Explanation: "Lead the children to the bad effect" is unclear and lacks precision. "Have negative effects on children" is more specific and formal.
"when the children have targetted themself to go to a top-notch school" -> "when children set their sights on attending a top-tier school"
Explanation: "Targetted themself" is grammatically incorrect. "Set their sights on" is a more idiomatic expression.
"must to be hard-working" -> "must be hard-working"
Explanation: "Must to be" is redundant. "Must be" is grammatically correct and more concise.
"need to have the suitable strategies" -> "need suitable strategies"
Explanation: "Need to have" can be simplified to "need." Eliminating unnecessary words enhances clarity and conciseness.
"the assistance from experience people" -> "the assistance from experienced individuals"
Explanation: "Experience people" is grammatically incorrect. "Experienced individuals" is the correct phrase.
"the lucky and smart" -> "luck and intelligence"
Explanation: "The lucky and smart" lacks precision. "Luck and intelligence" more clearly conveys the intended meaning.
"the attempts, under the pressure with them" -> "their endeavors under pressure"
Explanation: "Under the pressure with them" is awkward and unclear. "Their endeavors under pressure" is more concise and precise.
"make them feel angry, disappointed about themself" -> "cause them to feel angry and disappointed with themselves"
Explanation: "Make them feel angry, disappointed about themself" is grammatically incorrect. "Cause them to feel angry and disappointed with themselves" is clearer and more formal.
"want to give up" -> "be inclined to give up"
Explanation: "Want to give up" lacks formality. "Be inclined to give up" is a more formal alternative.
"while I acknowledge the problems of this talk" -> "while I acknowledge the drawbacks of this idea"
Explanation: "This talk" is vague. "This idea" is more specific and formal.
"they are far outweighted by the advantages" -> "they are outweighed by the advantages"
Explanation: "Far outweighed" is redundant. "Outweighed" suffices to convey the idea.
"determines somebody to success or failure" -> "determines someone’s success or failure"
Explanation: "Somebody to success or failure" is grammatically incorrect. "Someone’s success or failure" is the correct phrasing.
"unless the children spend time on studying" -> "unless children devote time to studying"
Explanation: "On studying" is redundant. "Devote time to studying" is more concise.
"they will not have anything adapt to their demands" -> "they will not have anything to meet their demands"
Explanation: "Adapt to their demands" is grammatically incorrect. "To meet their demands" is the correct phrase.
"inspired to their positive feelings" -> "inspired by their positive feelings"
Explanation: "Inspired to their positive feelings" is grammatically incorrect. "Inspired by their positive feelings" is the correct phrase.
"both ideas have their own merits" -> "both perspectives have merit"
Explanation: "Both ideas have their own merits" is redundant. "Both perspectives have merit" is more concise.
"the rate of success will be higher if the children make effort" -> "the likelihood of success will increase if children make an effort"
Explanation: "The rate of success will be higher" is less precise. "The likelihood of success will increase" is more specific. "Make effort" should be "make an effort" for correct grammar.
"mix them with the support from other people, their best intention and ability" -> "combine them with support from others, their best intentions, and abilities"
Explanation: "Mix them with" is less precise. "Combine them with" is clearer. "Their best intention and ability" should be "their best intentions and abilities" for proper grammar.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both the advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work. It discusses how this message affects children’s perceptions and behaviors.
- How to improve: The essay could improve by providing more specific examples and elaborating further on the advantages and disadvantages. Also, it should ensure that each point directly relates to the prompt.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that leans towards the benefits of telling children they can achieve anything through effort. However, this stance is somewhat weakened by the acknowledgment of the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay should firmly establish its position early on and consistently reinforce it throughout the essay. If the intention is to acknowledge opposing views, it should be done in a way that doesn’t undermine the main argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and development. While it mentions some advantages and disadvantages, it could provide more detailed explanations and supporting evidence.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should include specific examples, statistics, or anecdotes to illustrate each point. Additionally, it should expand on each idea to provide a more thorough analysis.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but occasionally veers off track, particularly in the second paragraph. It discusses the pressure on children without directly relating it back to the advantages and disadvantages of the message they receive.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that every point made directly relates to the advantages and disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work. Avoid tangents that do not directly contribute to the central argument.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, it could benefit from more thorough development of ideas and better organization to stay focused on the topic. Incorporating specific examples and ensuring all points directly relate to the prompt would strengthen the essay’s overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally logical organization, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs presenting contrasting viewpoints, and a conclusion summarizing the argument. Each paragraph focuses on either the advantages or disadvantages of telling children they can achieve anything through hard work. However, transitions between ideas could be smoother, particularly between paragraphs. For instance, the shift from discussing the disadvantages to the advantages could be more seamless to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, ensure that each paragraph builds upon the previous one and maintains a clear connection to the overall argument. Use transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through shifts in focus or perspective, enhancing the flow of ideas from one paragraph to the next.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to structure the argument, with distinct sections addressing the advantages and disadvantages of the given message. However, some paragraphs contain multiple ideas without clear separation, leading to occasional confusion. For example, the second paragraph discusses both the necessity of strategies for achieving goals and the potential negative effects on health, which could be better delineated into separate paragraphs for clarity.
- How to improve: Aim for greater coherence within paragraphs by focusing on one main idea per paragraph and ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that introduces its central theme. Additionally, use transitions between paragraphs to maintain the overall coherence of the essay and guide the reader through the argumentative progression.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to utilize cohesive devices to connect ideas and enhance coherence. However, there is a limited variety of cohesive devices employed, predominantly relying on simple transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "on the other hand." While these devices help signal shifts in perspective, their overuse can detract from the sophistication of the essay’s cohesion.
- How to improve: Broaden the range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay to include a variety of transitional words and phrases such as "furthermore," "in addition," "however," and "consequently." This diversification will create a smoother flow between ideas and elevate the coherence of the essay. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used judiciously to maintain balance and avoid repetition.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, though there is room for improvement in diversifying word choice further. For example, while the essay employs terms like "advantages," "disadvantages," "rationale," and "motivation," it could benefit from incorporating a broader selection of synonyms and more nuanced vocabulary to enhance clarity and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enrich the lexical variety, consider utilizing synonyms, idiomatic expressions, and more precise terminology. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "talk," experiment with alternatives like "message," "advice," or "notion." Additionally, aim to incorporate domain-specific vocabulary related to education and psychology to convey ideas more effectively.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally uses vocabulary with precision, such as in the phrase "under the pressure with them." However, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "adviced" instead of "advised," and "have targetted themself" instead of "have targeted themselves." These instances detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the message.
- How to improve: Pay closer attention to word choice and ensure accuracy in spelling and grammar. Utilize dictionaries, thesauruses, and grammar guides to verify the correctness of terms. Additionally, proofread essays carefully to identify and correct errors before submission.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of accurate and inaccurate spelling. While some words are spelled correctly, such as "advantages" and "disadvantages," there are notable misspellings, including "adviced" instead of "advised" and "targetted" instead of "targeted." These spelling errors can detract from the professionalism and credibility of the writing.
- How to improve: Develop a habit of proofreading written work meticulously to identify and rectify spelling errors. Additionally, utilize spell-check tools available in word processing software to catch and correct misspellings automatically. Consider creating a personal list of commonly misspelled words to reinforce correct spelling over time.

By addressing these areas for improvement, you can enhance the lexical resource of your essay, leading to greater clarity, precision, and overall effectiveness in conveying ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair attempt at incorporating various sentence structures. However, there is a notable reliance on basic structures, leading to repetition and lack of complexity. Simple sentences dominate the essay, with occasional compound structures. Complex sentences are limited, and there’s a lack of variety in clause types (e.g., relative clauses, conditional sentences). While there are instances of varied structures, such as conditional statements ("unless the children spend time on studying…"), these are not consistently applied throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the grammatical range and sophistication of the essay, strive for greater diversity in sentence structures. Incorporate more complex sentences by using subordination and coordination effectively. Introduce relative clauses to provide additional information and variety. For instance, instead of relying solely on simple structures like "The main one is that trying is the main thing that determines somebody to success or failure," consider crafting a more complex sentence like "One crucial aspect is that the effort exerted determines the trajectory towards success or failure, highlighting the intricate relationship between endeavor and outcomes."
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay displays a moderate level of grammatical accuracy, with noticeable errors throughout. These errors primarily include subject-verb agreement issues ("people have adviced," "they not only must to be hard-working"), inappropriate article usage ("the children have targetted themself"), and awkward phrasing ("do not take care of the emotion"). Punctuation usage, particularly commas and apostrophes, is inconsistent. While the essay maintains coherence, the frequent grammatical errors impede clarity and detract from the overall quality.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on mastering subject-verb agreement rules and appropriate article usage. Review and revise sentences to ensure coherence and correctness. Additionally, pay close attention to punctuation, particularly commas for clarity and cohesion. Consider utilizing resources such as grammar guides and practice exercises to reinforce grammatical principles. For example, revise "The children have targetted themself" to "The children have targeted themselves," ensuring agreement between the subject and verb and using the reflexive pronoun appropriately.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates some proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By incorporating varied sentence constructions and refining grammatical skills, the essay can achieve greater coherence, clarity, and sophistication.

Bài sửa mẫu

In many countries worldwide, children are often advised that they can achieve their desired goals if they are willing to put in the effort. While some arguments regarding the drawbacks of this advice have been discussed, I believe that the benefits outweigh them.

On one hand, there are undeniable reasons why this advice can have negative effects on children. The main reason is that some goals require more than just effort. For example, when children aim to attend a prestigious school, they not only need to work hard in their studies but also require suitable strategies, guidance from experienced individuals, and other factors such as luck and intelligence to achieve higher scores. This mindset can also negatively impact their health. If children focus too much on exerting effort, they may experience pressure, neglect their emotional well-being, and risk feeling frustrated or wanting to give up.

On the other hand, while I acknowledge the drawbacks of this advice, I also believe that its advantages are much greater. The primary advantage is that effort is the key determinant of success or failure. A compelling example of this is that unless children dedicate time to studying and gathering materials related to their goals, they will not have the resources necessary to achieve high scores. Furthermore, this advice can serve as motivation, inspiring positive attitudes towards expanding their knowledge and skills.

In conclusion, both perspectives have their merits. However, overall, I believe that the likelihood of success increases when children make concerted efforts to pursue their goals while also receiving support from others and utilizing their best intentions and abilities.