In some countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people say it is the responsibility of governments to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In some countries, many children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people say it is the responsibility of governments to solve this problem.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

A growing number of children in this day and age are witnessing obesity and poor health conditions. It is said that the governments are in charge of tackling this issue. From my perspective, I am against this notion and firmly believe that this trend can only be solved by all stakeholders.

Children who are currently suffering from health-related problems must strive to adapt a healthier lifestyle. They need to gain better insight about the detrimental impacts that are currently putting a strain on their well-being, be it overweight can caused high blood pressure and accumulate fat in veins or constant headache might be the consequence of insomnia. Thereby, people will need to adapt different approaches so as to put a stop to their unhealthy and sedentary lifestyle, therefore seek to take good care of themselves.

Governments are also responsible for this growing trend among young people. Money should be invested in education, such as deliver lectures that are related to severe health problems and how to tackle them to equipped adolescents with knowledge. A further point to discuss is that taxes on junk food or fast food should be heavily imposed since those are currently putting a strain on our well-being and also to reduce the number of children experienced overweight or obesity.

In conclusion, governments are partly in charge of tackling health-related issues in children and it is them who have to work on themselves since young people are witnessing direct effects of detrimental impacts caused by this trend.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"A growing number of children in this day and age" -> "An increasing number of children in contemporary society"
Explanation: "This day and age" is a more casual expression. "Contemporary society" maintains formality and clarity.
"It is said that the governments are in charge of tackling this issue." -> "It is commonly asserted that governments are responsible for addressing this issue."
Explanation: "It is said that" lacks specificity and formality. "Commonly asserted" provides a more authoritative tone.
"I am against this notion" -> "I oppose this assertion"
Explanation: "I am against this notion" is somewhat informal. "I oppose this assertion" conveys the same meaning in a more formal manner.
"Children who are currently suffering from health-related problems must strive to adapt a healthier lifestyle." -> "Children afflicted with health-related issues must endeavor to adopt healthier lifestyles."
Explanation: "Strive to adapt" is somewhat colloquial. "Endeavor to adopt" is more formal and precise.
"gain better insight about" -> "gain a better understanding of"
Explanation: "Insight about" is less precise compared to "understanding of," which is more formal and academically appropriate.
"be it overweight can caused high blood pressure and accumulate fat in veins" -> "whether it is obesity leading to high blood pressure and arterial fat accumulation"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and lacks precision. "Obesity leading to high blood pressure and arterial fat accumulation" offers a clearer and more specific description.
"constant headache might be the consequence of insomnia" -> "persistent headaches might result from insomnia"
Explanation: "Might be the consequence of" is verbose. "Result from" is concise and more formal.
"Thereby, people will need to adapt different approaches" -> "Thus, individuals will need to employ various strategies"
Explanation: "Adapt different approaches" is unclear and somewhat informal. "Employ various strategies" is more precise and formal.
"so as to put a stop to their unhealthy and sedentary lifestyle" -> "in order to halt their unhealthy and sedentary lifestyles"
Explanation: "Put a stop to" is less formal. "Halt" is a more formal alternative that maintains clarity.
"seek to take good care of themselves" -> "strive to maintain their well-being"
Explanation: "Seek to take good care of themselves" is somewhat informal. "Strive to maintain their well-being" is more formal and conveys the same meaning.
"Money should be invested in education, such as deliver lectures" -> "Funds should be allocated to educational initiatives, including the delivery of lectures"
Explanation: "Money should be invested in education, such as deliver lectures" is grammatically incorrect and lacks precision. "Funds should be allocated to educational initiatives, including the delivery of lectures" is more formal and clear.
"to equipped adolescents with knowledge" -> "to equip adolescents with knowledge"
Explanation: "To equipped" is a grammatical error. "To equip" is the correct form of the verb in this context.
"A further point to discuss is that taxes on junk food or fast food should be heavily imposed since those are currently putting a strain on our well-being" -> "Furthermore, it is worth discussing the heavy imposition of taxes on junk food or fast food due to their detrimental effects on public health"
Explanation: The original sentence lacks clarity and is somewhat convoluted. The suggested alternative is more structured and precise.
"In conclusion, governments are partly in charge of tackling health-related issues in children and it is them who have to work on themselves since young people are witnessing direct effects of detrimental impacts caused by this trend." -> "In conclusion, while governments bear partial responsibility for addressing health-related issues in children, individuals must also take proactive measures, as young people directly experience the adverse effects of this trend."
Explanation: The original conclusion lacks precision and is somewhat informal. The suggested alternative provides a clearer summary while maintaining formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by acknowledging the issue of childhood obesity and discussing the responsibility of governments in solving it. It acknowledges that some people believe governments should handle this problem but presents a differing perspective that suggests the involvement of all stakeholders.
- How to improve: While the essay adequately presents both sides of the argument, it could benefit from a clearer articulation of the reasons behind the disagreement with the idea of sole government responsibility. Offering more specific examples or counterarguments could strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, asserting that the responsibility for addressing childhood obesity lies not solely with governments but with all stakeholders.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the essay could explicitly state the alternative solutions or actions that other stakeholders should take to address the issue alongside or instead of government intervention.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the importance of lifestyle changes for children and suggests education and taxation as ways governments can contribute to solving the issue. However, these ideas could be further developed and supported with more specific examples or evidence.
- How to improve: Providing concrete examples of successful initiatives or studies supporting the effectiveness of education and taxation in reducing childhood obesity would strengthen the essay’s argumentation and extend its ideas.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the causes of childhood obesity and the role of governments in addressing it. However, there are some instances of vague or tangential statements, such as mentioning insomnia as a consequence of an unhealthy lifestyle.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all points directly relate to the topic of childhood obesity and the responsibility of governments. Avoiding tangential discussions or vague statements will help to keep the essay coherent and relevant.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and maintains a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more specific examples, developing ideas further, and ensuring all points directly contribute to the central argument. Strengthening these aspects would enhance the essay’s coherence and persuasiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument: the introduction introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, body paragraphs discuss the responsibilities of children and governments separately, and the conclusion summarizes the main points. However, there is room for improvement in the logical flow within paragraphs and the connection between ideas across the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear structure with a topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence. Additionally, establish stronger connections between paragraphs by using transitional phrases or sentences to guide the reader through the progression of ideas.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs to organize different aspects of the argument. However, some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences, leading to ambiguity about their main point. For instance, the second paragraph discusses the responsibility of children but lacks a clear introductory sentence that outlines this focus.
- How to improve: Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that indicates the main idea to be discussed. This will help readers understand the purpose of each paragraph and maintain coherence throughout the essay. In the second paragraph, explicitly state that it will address the responsibility of children in combating obesity and poor health.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "thereby" and "further point to discuss." However, the use of these devices is somewhat limited, resulting in occasional choppiness in the flow of ideas. Additionally, there is a lack of variety in cohesive devices, with repetition of certain phrases ("therefore") throughout the essay.
- How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used, including transitional phrases, pronouns, and parallel structures. This will help smooth the transition between ideas and create a more cohesive essay. Additionally, avoid over-reliance on certain cohesive devices to maintain variety and sophistication in the writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates adequate coherence and cohesion to convey its message, there are areas where improvements can be made to enhance clarity, logical flow, and the seamless connection between ideas. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, contributing to a more effective communication of the writer’s arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. There is evidence of varied lexical choices, such as "sedentary lifestyle," "detrimental impacts," "stakeholders," and "adapting different approaches." These terms contribute to a coherent discussion of the issue of childhood obesity and government responsibility.
- How to improve: To further enhance lexical resource, consider incorporating more nuanced vocabulary and idiomatic expressions where appropriate. For instance, instead of "detrimental impacts," you could use phrases like "adverse consequences" or "negative ramifications" to add depth to your argument.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary effectively, there are instances where word choice could be more precise. For example, the phrase "overweight can caused high blood pressure and accumulate fat in veins" lacks precision in expression. Additionally, "insomnia" is mentioned as a consequence of an unhealthy lifestyle, which may not be the most accurate term in this context.
- How to improve: Aim for more precise vocabulary usage by clearly articulating the relationship between concepts. Instead of "accumulate fat in veins," consider using "arterial plaque buildup" or "vascular fat deposition." Regarding "insomnia," it might be more appropriate to discuss sleep disturbances or irregular sleep patterns in the context of unhealthy lifestyle effects.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy is generally maintained throughout the essay, with no glaring errors observed. However, there are minor issues such as "adapt" being spelled as "adap," which could detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling accuracy, particularly for commonly misspelled words or typos. Utilize spell-check tools and proofreading techniques to identify and correct any errors before finalizing the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of vocabulary usage and spelling accuracy, there is room for refinement to elevate the lexical resource further. By incorporating more precise vocabulary choices and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy, the essay can effectively convey ideas with clarity and sophistication.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, there are instances of complex structures such as "Children who are currently suffering from health-related problems must strive to adapt a healthier lifestyle" and compound sentences like "Money should be invested in education, such as delivering lectures that are related to severe health problems and how to tackle them, to equip adolescents with knowledge."
- How to improve: While the essay showcases a satisfactory variety of structures, further enhancement can be achieved by incorporating more advanced sentence structures, such as conditional sentences, passive constructions, and reduced relative clauses. This would add sophistication to the essay and contribute to a higher band score.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances where minor errors are present, such as subject-verb agreement ("overweight can caused high blood pressure") and article usage ("deliver lectures that are related to severe health problems"). Additionally, some sentences could benefit from clearer punctuation to aid readability.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it’s essential to review and practice subject-verb agreement rules and pay attention to article usage. Furthermore, a thorough proofreading focusing on punctuation marks like commas and periods can help improve the clarity and coherence of the essay. Taking time to revise each sentence for grammatical precision before final submission is advised.

Bài sửa mẫu

A growing number of children in contemporary society are experiencing obesity and other health issues. It is suggested that governments should take responsibility for solving this problem. However, I oppose this assertion and firmly believe that addressing this issue requires the effort of all stakeholders.

Children who are currently facing health-related issues must endeavor to adopt healthier lifestyles. They need to gain a better understanding of whether it is obesity leading to high blood pressure and arterial fat accumulation or whether persistent headaches might result from insomnia. Thus, individuals will need to employ various strategies in order to halt their unhealthy and sedentary lifestyles and strive to maintain their well-being.

Governments should also take responsibility for this increasing trend among young people. Funds should be allocated to educational initiatives, including the delivery of lectures to equip adolescents with knowledge about severe health problems and how to tackle them. Furthermore, it is worth discussing the heavy imposition of taxes on junk food or fast food due to their detrimental effects on public health and their role in contributing to the rise in childhood obesity.

In conclusion, while governments bear partial responsibility for addressing health-related issues in children, individuals must also take proactive measures, as young people directly experience the adverse effects of this trend.