In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development?
In the modern days, members of the public spend more personal time working. This phenomenon may stem from the desire for a better life or their increasing workload. In my opinion, this propensity can bring both merits and demerits to our society.
To commence with, there are two major reasons why working time is extended among people. Firstly, it is definitely that people pursue adequacy in their lives, especially the need for higher wages. Generally, a number of employees have faith that working overtime can make them get a promotion effortlessly, thence the level of their salary also advanced. Another obvious rationale leading to this tendency is that people have to confront heavy workloads, which forces them to spend more time working on it. It is evident that this can translate into big trouble with their career if they are unable to finish their tasks.
From my perspective, although working overtime has several positive sides, it still has some drawbacks. It is evident that earning more money will facilitate one’s life. Recently, more and more appliances or facilities have witnessed a significant price hike, therefore, having a sustainable income will be an advantage in paying necessary expenses such as living costs or food. On the flip side, overworking will exert a heavy toll on people’s well-being, especially mental well-being. Nowadays, the incidence of depression has increased considerably, this is the result of overworking. In fact, people’s mental health is quite fragile, hence, those who work excessively are vulnerable.
Ultimately, although it is understandable that why people are dedicating more time to work, I opine that this can bring forth both pros and cons.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
Errors and Improvements:
"In the modern days" -> "In contemporary times"
Explanation: Replacing "In the modern days" with "In contemporary times" lends a more formal and precise tone to the introduction, avoiding colloquial language.
"members of the public" -> "individuals"
Explanation: Substituting "members of the public" with "individuals" is more concise and aligns with a formal style, avoiding a somewhat informal expression.
"phenomenon" -> "trend"
Explanation: Replacing "phenomenon" with "trend" maintains formality while offering a more precise term to describe the observed increase in personal time spent working.
"propensity" -> "tendency"
Explanation: Swapping "propensity" with "tendency" maintains the intended meaning while using a more widely accepted and academically appropriate term.
"commence with" -> "To begin with"
Explanation: Substituting "commence with" with "To begin with" is a more conventional and formal way to introduce the first point in the essay.
"adequacy in their lives" -> "improvements in their quality of life"
Explanation: Changing "adequacy in their lives" to "improvements in their quality of life" provides a clearer and more explicit expression of the desired outcome, aligning with academic precision.
"definitely" -> "undeniably"
Explanation: Replacing "definitely" with "undeniably" enhances the strength of the statement, making it more assertive and academically rigorous.
"faith" -> "believe"
Explanation: Substituting "faith" with "believe" is a more straightforward and formal choice, contributing to a more refined academic style.
"thence" -> "thus"
Explanation: Replacing "thence" with "thus" maintains the logical flow of the sentence while opting for a more standard and less archaic term.
"big trouble" -> "significant challenges"
Explanation: Changing "big trouble" to "significant challenges" adds a level of formality and precision to the description of the potential consequences of heavy workloads.
"earn a promotion effortlessly" -> "secure a promotion more easily"
Explanation: Swapping "earn a promotion effortlessly" with "secure a promotion more easily" conveys the idea with a more formal and nuanced expression.
"recently" -> "In recent times"
Explanation: Expanding "recently" to "In recent times" enhances the temporal context, contributing to a more formal and polished tone.
"flip side" -> "On the contrary"
Explanation: Replacing "flip side" with "On the contrary" maintains the contrastive meaning while using a more academically appropriate phrase.
"exert a heavy toll" -> "have a detrimental impact"
Explanation: Substituting "exert a heavy toll" with "have a detrimental impact" offers a more formal and precise description of the negative consequences of overworking.
"although it is understandable that why people are dedicating more time to work" -> "While it is understandable why individuals allocate more time to work"
Explanation: Restructuring the sentence from "although it is understandable that why people are dedicating more time to work" to "While it is understandable why individuals allocate more time to work" maintains the meaning while adhering to a more formal structure.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Quoted text: "To commence with, there are two major reasons why working time is extended among people."
- Explanation and Improvement: The introduction sets the stage for discussing reasons behind extended work hours, which is good. However, it lacks specificity. To improve, explicitly outline these two reasons in a clearer manner. For instance, mentioning the pursuit of higher wages and the overwhelming workload can be detailed further for clarity and better connection to the subsequent points.
- Improved example: "To commence, the elongation of work hours can be attributed to two primary factors. Firstly, individuals often seek higher wages and career advancement, assuming that working overtime directly translates to promotions and increased income. Secondly, an excessive workload compels many employees to invest additional time in their tasks, aiming to meet deadlines and avoid career repercussions."
Quoted text: "It is evident that earning more money will facilitate one’s life."
- Explanation and Improvement: While acknowledging the positive aspect of earning more money due to extended work hours, it lacks depth in elaboration. To strengthen this point, consider expanding on how increased income supports a better quality of life. Provide specific examples of how financial stability aids in meeting various needs such as education, healthcare, or improving living standards.
- Improved example: "The accumulation of additional income undoubtedly contributes significantly to an individual’s quality of life. For instance, a higher income ensures better access to quality education, healthcare services, and an improved standard of living. This financial stability not only secures daily necessities but also enables individuals to plan for long-term goals, fostering a sense of security and well-being."
Quoted text: "Nowadays, the incidence of depression has increased considerably, this is the result of overworking."
- Explanation and Improvement: Linking overworking directly to the increased incidence of depression is a strong assertion. However, to strengthen this argument, consider providing more nuanced reasoning or examples that highlight the correlation between extended work hours and mental health issues. Illustrate how prolonged stress from work impacts mental health, possibly leading to depression or anxiety disorders.
- Improved example: "The contemporary rise in depression rates can often be traced back to the ramifications of overworking. Prolonged exposure to high-stress environments and extended working hours creates mental fatigue, leading to increased vulnerability to conditions such as depression. For instance, studies have shown that individuals consistently subjected to demanding work hours exhibit higher levels of stress, anxiety, and eventual mental health disorders, indicating a strong link between excessive workloads and declining mental well-being."
Overall, the essay addresses the prompt by discussing the reasons for extended work hours and presenting both positive and negative aspects. However, there is room for improvement in clarity, depth of explanation, and the use of specific examples to bolster arguments. Strengthening these aspects can significantly enhance the coherence and persuasiveness of the essay.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of information and ideas, maintaining a clear progression throughout. The introduction sets the stage by mentioning the increased work hours in modern society. Body paragraphs discuss two major reasons for extended working hours, providing examples and elaborating on the consequences. The essay concludes by presenting a balanced perspective on the positive and negative aspects of working long hours.
Cohesive devices are used appropriately, contributing to the overall coherence. Transition phrases such as "To commence with," and "From my perspective," help guide the reader through the essay. The writer effectively uses cohesive devices to connect ideas within sentences and paragraphs.
Paragraphing is generally appropriate, with clear central topics within each paragraph. The introduction, body, and conclusion are distinguishable, contributing to the overall coherence. However, there is room for improvement in the third paragraph, where the writer discusses the drawbacks of working overtime. Breaking this paragraph into smaller ones could enhance clarity and logical flow.
How to improve:
- Consider breaking down the third paragraph into smaller ones, each focusing on a specific aspect of the drawbacks of working overtime. This will enhance the logical flow and coherence within the essay.
- Ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to maintain a seamless connection between ideas and paragraphs.
- While the essay provides a balanced perspective, strengthening the conclusion by summarizing key points and restating the overall impact of extended work hours would add to the overall coherence.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
This essay showcases an adequate range of vocabulary that covers the topic’s essentials. There’s an attempt to incorporate less common vocabulary, though some inaccuracies are present. The essay conveys ideas effectively, addressing both positive and negative aspects of spending long hours at work. However, there’s room for improvement in lexical variety and precision.
How to improve:
To boost the lexical resource score, aim for a wider variety of vocabulary, particularly incorporating more nuanced and precise terms related to the topic. Ensure accuracy in using less common vocabulary and focus on refining word choice and collocation to convey ideas more precisely. Additionally, paying attention to sentence structures can elevate the sophistication of expression.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
Explanation: The essay demonstrates a mix of simple and complex sentence structures. There is an attempt to use a variety of structures, but some errors in grammar and punctuation are present. While the majority of the sentences are clear, there are instances where the meaning is slightly distorted due to grammatical errors. The essay shows awareness of the topic and attempts to present a balanced view.
How to improve:
Grammar and Punctuation: Careful proofreading is needed to address grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes. This will enhance the overall clarity of the essay.
Sentence Structure: Try to incorporate a wider range of sentence structures, including more complex ones. This will contribute to a more varied and sophisticated writing style.
Consistency in Tenses: Ensure consistency in the use of tenses throughout the essay to avoid confusion and improve coherence.
Word Choice: While the vocabulary is generally appropriate, consider using more varied and precise vocabulary to enhance the overall quality of expression.
Development of Ideas: Elaborate further on the points made to provide a more thorough analysis. This will contribute to a more comprehensive and well-supported argument.
By addressing these areas, the essay can elevate its score by demonstrating improved grammatical range and accuracy, leading to a more refined and polished piece of writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
In contemporary society, individuals increasingly allocate a significant portion of their personal time to work. This trend may be attributed to the pursuit of an improved standard of living or the escalating demands of their work responsibilities. In my view, this inclination can yield both positive and negative outcomes for our community.
To commence, there are two primary reasons behind the extension of working hours for many individuals. Firstly, it is evident that people aspire to enhance their quality of life, particularly by seeking higher wages. Many employees believe that putting in extra hours can lead to a promotion, consequently elevating their salary. Another noticeable factor contributing to this trend is the need to cope with heavy workloads, compelling individuals to invest more time in completing their tasks. Failing to do so can potentially result in adverse effects on their career.
From my perspective, while working overtime offers certain advantages, it also carries drawbacks. Undoubtedly, earning a higher income can improve one’s quality of life. Given the recent significant increase in the prices of various goods and services, a sustainable income becomes advantageous in meeting essential expenses like housing and food. On the flip side, excessive working hours can take a toll on people’s well-being, particularly their mental health. The prevalence of depression has surged, and overworking is identified as a significant contributor. Considering the fragile nature of mental health, those who overexert themselves are more susceptible to adverse effects.
In conclusion, while it is understandable why people are dedicating more time to work, I believe this trend can yield both positive and negative consequences. Balancing the pursuit of financial stability with the preservation of mental well-being is crucial in navigating the challenges posed by the increasing hours spent at work.