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In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development?

In some countries, people spend long hours at work. Why does this happen? Is it positive or negative development?

It has become increasingly common for people in some nations to allocate a significant amount of time to their workplace. While this working style yields several advantages for workers, I am of the view that its merits cannot prevail over its demerits.
On the one hand, there are numerous benefits encouraging employees to extend their working hours. Firstly, the more time they spend at work, the more wages they earn to cover living expenses more effectively. For examble, office workers in Vietnam typically fulfill their working tasks in 8 hours per day and receive a salary of around 5 million VN dong. In contrast, this amount of money may be higher if they are on a night shift, leading to an upgrade in their quality of life and standard of living. Secondly, employers gain additional working time in the light of their aspirations to be seasoned and promoted at work. Indeed, when people undergo a certain amount of workload smoothly, it is probable that they gain more valuable work-related skills and experiences, thereby advancing their career ladders in the future.
On the other hand, although the notion of engaging in extra hours in the working space is appealing, its drawbacks concerning workers’ physical and mental well-being cannot be fully tolerated. To begin with, after finishing their work responsibilities, they return home fatigued. A notable example can be seen in a restaurant manager who consistently comes back home at 9 p.m. with an exhausted body; therefore, she does not have an appetite dinner, which negatively affects her digestive system. Next, contributing excessively to the working environment can be detrimental to people’s mental health. A prominent example exists in nurses who are emotionally drained after not only being entirely attuned to their patient’s needs but also collaborating with doctors to diagnose patients’ illnesses and prescribe for them. These tangible disadvantages undoubtedly lead to workers’ compromised well-being.
In conclusion, while working overtime offers workers substantial benefits, I do not have an appreciation for this working pattern due to its drawbacks regarding their body and mind.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "a significant amount of time" -> "considerable time"
    Explanation: Replacing "a significant amount of time" with "considerable time" adds formality and precision to the statement, aligning it better with academic language.

  2. "I am of the view that" -> "I contend that"
    Explanation: Substituting "I am of the view that" with "I contend that" introduces a more assertive and formal expression of the author’s opinion, enhancing the academic tone.

  3. "For examble" -> "For example"
    Explanation: Correcting the spelling mistake from "examble" to "example" ensures proper academic writing conventions.

  4. "around 5 million VN dong" -> "approximately 5 million VND"
    Explanation: Replacing "around 5 million VN dong" with "approximately 5 million VND" maintains clarity and employs the standard abbreviation for the Vietnamese dong (VND) in a more formal manner.

  5. "In contrast, this amount of money may be higher if they are on a night shift" -> "Conversely, this remuneration may increase when working night shifts."
    Explanation: The suggested revision enhances the contrast between day and night shifts and employs a more sophisticated term, "remuneration," instead of "amount of money."

  6. "in the light of their aspirations" -> "in pursuit of their aspirations"
    Explanation: Substituting "in the light of their aspirations" with "in pursuit of their aspirations" contributes to a more formal and refined expression of the idea.

  7. "Indeed, when people undergo a certain amount of workload smoothly" -> "Indeed, as individuals handle their workload adeptly"
    Explanation: The revised sentence improves clarity and elevates the language by using "handle their workload adeptly" instead of "undergo a certain amount of workload smoothly."

  8. "it is probable that they gain more valuable work-related skills and experiences" -> "they are likely to acquire valuable work-related skills and experiences"
    Explanation: The suggested change enhances the sentence’s structure and replaces "it is probable that" with a more direct and formal "they are likely to."

  9. "although the notion of engaging in extra hours" -> "despite the concept of working additional hours"
    Explanation: The substitution of "although the notion of engaging in extra hours" with "despite the concept of working additional hours" adds formality and precision to the sentence.

  10. "she does not have an appetite dinner" -> "she loses her appetite for dinner"
    Explanation: The corrected phrase "loses her appetite for dinner" is more grammatically accurate and maintains a formal tone.

  11. "collaborating with doctors to diagnose patients’ illnesses and prescribe for them" -> "collaborating with doctors to diagnose and prescribe treatment for patients"
    Explanation: The revised phrase streamlines the expression, making it more concise and academically appropriate.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both aspects of the question. It discusses the reasons behind long working hours and evaluates whether this trend is positive or negative. The introduction clearly outlines the writer’s stance on the issue.
    • How to improve: While the essay provides a balanced view, there is room for further depth in the analysis of the positive and negative aspects. Encourage the writer to explore nuances within each perspective and consider incorporating more examples to support their points.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a consistent position by asserting that the demerits of long working hours outweigh the benefits. This stance is evident in the thesis statement and reiterated in the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity, advise the writer to explicitly state their position at the beginning of each body paragraph. This helps readers follow the argument more easily.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately, providing examples to support both the advantages and disadvantages of long working hours. However, the development of ideas could benefit from more elaboration, especially regarding the negative impacts on physical and mental health.
    • How to improve: Encourage the writer to delve deeper into the consequences of extended working hours, providing more specific instances and possibly contrasting scenarios to illustrate the potential harm to well-being.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the reasons for long working hours and evaluating their positive and negative impacts. However, there are instances where the connection between the examples and the main points could be more explicit.
    • How to improve: Suggest the writer ensure that each example directly supports the point being made. This will strengthen the essay’s cohesiveness and prevent any potential confusion.

In conclusion, this essay effectively addresses the essay prompt, presenting a clear position and supporting ideas with relevant examples. To enhance its quality, the writer should strive for more depth in analysis, explicitly state their position at the beginning of each paragraph, elaborate on ideas, and ensure a seamless connection between examples and main points.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable level of logical organization. It starts with a clear introduction that presents the two sides of the argument, followed by well-structured body paragraphs that discuss the advantages and disadvantages. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points. However, there are moments where the connection between sentences could be smoother, and the progression of ideas within paragraphs is occasionally abrupt.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases to connect ideas within and between sentences. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and follows a logical sequence of supporting details.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs adequately, with each one focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. However, there are instances where the structure within paragraphs could be refined for better coherence. For example, the second paragraph discusses both the advantages of extended working hours for employees and employers, which might benefit from being split into two distinct paragraphs.
    • How to improve: Aim for a more systematic organization within paragraphs. Each paragraph should ideally revolve around a single main idea, with supporting sentences providing depth to that idea. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to maintain clarity and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as transition words like "firstly" and "on the other hand." However, there is room for improvement in the variety and frequency of cohesive devices. Additionally, the pronoun "it" is used ambiguously in the phrase "it drawbacks," which can cause confusion.
    • How to improve: Introduce a wider range of cohesive devices to guide the reader through the essay’s structure more smoothly. Use pronouns and references more precisely to avoid ambiguity. For example, replace "it drawbacks" with "its drawbacks" to clarify the reference. Experiment with a variety of linking words and phrases to create a more cohesive and fluent narrative.

Overall, the essay exhibits a good understanding of coherence and cohesion but would benefit from refining the organization of ideas within and between paragraphs, improving the use of cohesive devices, and ensuring clarity in pronoun references.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, encompassing words and phrases that effectively convey the writer’s ideas. Examples include "allocate," "demerits," "aspirations," "seasoned," and "attuned." The use of specific terms like "night shift" and "career ladders" adds depth to the vocabulary range.
    • How to improve: While the vocabulary is generally rich, consider incorporating more advanced or nuanced vocabulary where appropriate. For instance, in the introduction, alternative phrases for "yields several advantages" or "merits cannot prevail over its demerits" could be explored.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The writer generally uses vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying their intended meanings. For instance, the distinction between "wages" and "salary" is clear, and terms like "exhausted body" and "compromised well-being" precisely convey the negative impact of long working hours.
    • How to improve: Pay attention to subtle nuances in meaning and context. For instance, in the sentence "which negatively affects her digestive system," consider using a more specific term than "affects," such as "impairs" or "detrimentally impacts."
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally high level of spelling accuracy. However, there is a spelling error in the sentence "For examble," where "example" should be used.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, and consider using tools like spell-check software. Additionally, pay attention to common errors, such as confusion between similar-sounding words.

Overall, the essay exhibits a strong command of vocabulary, with precise and effective usage. To further enhance lexical resource, focus on incorporating more nuanced vocabulary where possible and ensuring meticulous proofreading to eliminate any spelling errors.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate variety of sentence structures. It effectively employs simple and complex sentences, contributing to overall coherence. For instance, the essay utilizes compound sentences ("While this working style yields several advantages for workers, I am of the view that its merits cannot prevail over its demerits") and complex sentences ("Indeed, when people undergo a certain amount of workload smoothly, it is probable that they gain more valuable work-related skills and experiences, thereby advancing their career ladders in the future"). However, there’s room for improvement in the use of more sophisticated structures, such as parallelism or varied introductory phrases, to enhance fluency and engagement.
    • How to improve: To elevate sentence structure variety, consider incorporating parallel structures and diverse introductory phrases. For example, instead of consistently using "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," experiment with alternative introductory phrases like "In addition" or "Conversely." Additionally, aim for parallelism within sentences to enhance clarity and rhythm.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally accurate command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances where errors or awkward constructions are present. For example, "For examble" should be corrected to "For example." Additionally, there’s a slight issue with subject-verb agreement in the phrase "its merits cannot prevail over its demerits," where "merits" and "demerits" should be pluralized to match each other.
    • How to improve: Carefully proofread the essay to identify and rectify grammatical errors, such as the misspelling of "example." Pay attention to subject-verb agreement to maintain grammatical consistency. Consider using a variety of sentence structures to prevent monotony and improve overall fluency. Additionally, ensure proper use of punctuation marks, especially commas, to enhance clarity and readability.

Bài sửa mẫu

It has become increasingly common for people in some nations to allocate a considerable amount of time to their workplace. While this working style yields several advantages for workers, I contend that its merits cannot prevail over its demerits.

On the positive side, there are numerous benefits encouraging employees to extend their working hours. Firstly, the more time they spend at work, the more wages they earn to cover living expenses more effectively. For example, office workers in Vietnam typically fulfill their working tasks in 8 hours per day and receive a salary of approximately 5 million VND. Conversely, this remuneration may increase when working night shifts, leading to an upgrade in their quality of life and standard of living. Secondly, employers gain additional working time in pursuit of their aspirations to be seasoned and promoted at work. Indeed, as individuals handle their workload adeptly, they are likely to acquire valuable work-related skills and experiences, thereby advancing their career ladders in the future.

However, despite the concept of working additional hours being appealing, its drawbacks concerning workers’ physical and mental well-being cannot be fully tolerated. To begin with, after finishing their work responsibilities, they return home fatigued. A notable example can be seen in a restaurant manager who consistently comes back home at 9 p.m. with an exhausted body; therefore, she loses her appetite for dinner, which negatively affects her digestive system. Next, contributing excessively to the working environment can be detrimental to people’s mental health. A prominent example exists in nurses who are emotionally drained after not only being entirely attuned to their patient’s needs but also collaborating with doctors to diagnose and prescribe treatment for patients. These tangible disadvantages undoubtedly lead to workers’ compromised well-being.

In conclusion, while working overtime offers workers substantial benefits, I do not have an appreciation for this working pattern due to its drawbacks regarding their body and mind.

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