In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems? What measures could be taken to solve them ?

In the contemporary society, many individuals claim that obesity has been a common obstacle and has had a detrimental impacts on their health and fitness, therefore it is critical to understand causes and propose methods to solve its effects comprehensively.

There are some roof causes that a number of people who have a obesity disease has increased significantly and the quantity of health decrese. In this day and age, many employers are working excessively as meet the demands of developing economic as well as working burden has put more pressure on the mental health of employees. Therefore, people don’t have much time to take care of themselves such as eating on time, and consuming fast food. Moreover, because of workload like this, their lifestyle has shifted. For example, a plethoral of people who are white collar job, spending less time exercising and enhancing physical health as well as rising screen time like Tv, computers, smart phones. Thus, this is the complex obstacle that need to be address by many efficient methods.
Resolving this issue will require coordinated efforts across multiple stakeholder. On a national levels, the country governments should enact policies or legislation associated with fast food to mitigate the consumption of individuals as expanding value or taxed. In a micro level, each person should aim to raise awareness of their health and look after themselves by doing exercise, minimising screen time, and seting up healthy lifestyle. Consequently, only by governments enacting legislation and individuals embracing more healthy behaviours can meaningful progress be achieved.

In conclusion, this obstacle is complex, multifaced and become a significant issue impacting each people. For the sake of effeciently curbing the damages of this issue, it is imperative that requiring a multi-pronged approach, including strategic, collaborative solutions between public and private sectors, alongside fostering individual awareness and responsibility

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In the contemporary society" -> "In contemporary society"
Explanation: Removing the definite article "the" before "contemporary society" corrects the grammatical error and aligns with the formal academic style by avoiding unnecessary specificity.
"many individuals claim" -> "many argue"
Explanation: Replacing "claim" with "argue" provides a more precise term that is commonly used in academic discourse to denote a position or opinion.
"has been a common obstacle and has had a detrimental impacts" -> "has become a common obstacle and has had detrimental impacts"
Explanation: Correcting the verb tense to "has become" aligns with the present perfect continuous tense used to describe ongoing processes, and removing the unnecessary "a" before "detrimental impacts" corrects the grammatical error.
"to solve its effects comprehensively" -> "to comprehensively address its effects"
Explanation: "To comprehensively address" is a more precise and formal way to express the intention to deal with the issue thoroughly.
"roof causes" -> "root causes"
Explanation: Correcting "roof" to "root" fixes a typographical error and uses the correct term for the underlying reasons or sources of a problem.
"a number of people who have a obesity disease" -> "a significant number of individuals with obesity"
Explanation: "A significant number of individuals with obesity" is more precise and avoids the awkward construction of "a number of people who have a obesity disease."
"the quantity of health decrese" -> "a decline in health"
Explanation: "A decline in health" is a more natural and precise phrase than "the quantity of health decrese," which is grammatically incorrect and unclear.
"many employers are working excessively" -> "many employers work excessively"
Explanation: Changing "are working" to "work" simplifies the verb form to the present tense, which is more appropriate for a general statement about ongoing conditions.
"as meet the demands of developing economic" -> "to meet the demands of the developing economy"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "developing economy" corrects the article usage, and "to meet" is the correct preposition for the infinitive verb phrase.
"working burden has put more pressure" -> "workload has placed more pressure"
Explanation: "Workload" is a more specific term than "working burden," and "placed" is the correct verb to use with "pressure."
"people don’t have much time" -> "people have little time"
Explanation: "Have little time" is a more formal and concise way to express the idea of scarcity of time.
"plethoral of people" -> "plethora of people"
Explanation: Correcting "plethoral" to "plethora" fixes a typographical error and maintains the correct form of the word.
"spending less time exercising and enhancing physical health" -> "spending less time on exercise and physical health"
Explanation: "On exercise and physical health" is a more precise and formal way to describe the activities being reduced.
"expanding value or taxed" -> "increasing value or imposing taxes"
Explanation: "Increasing value or imposing taxes" corrects the awkward and unclear original phrase, providing a clearer and more formal alternative.
"seting up healthy lifestyle" -> "establishing a healthy lifestyle"
Explanation: "Establishing a healthy lifestyle" is grammatically correct and more formal than "seting up healthy lifestyle."
"become a significant issue impacting each people" -> "become a significant issue affecting each person"
Explanation: "Affecting each person" is grammatically correct and more precise than "impacting each people," which is incorrect and awkward.
"requiring a multi-pronged approach" -> "requiring a multifaceted approach"
Explanation: "Multifaceted" is a more precise and academically appropriate term than "multi-pronged," which is less commonly used in formal writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt: it identifies causes for the increase in obesity and the decline in health and fitness levels, and it proposes measures to combat these issues. The causes mentioned include excessive work demands and unhealthy eating habits, while the solutions suggested involve government policies and individual responsibility. However, the explanation of causes could be more specific and directly linked to the effects on health and fitness.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly connect each cause to its impact on health and fitness. For instance, elaborating on how fast food consumption directly leads to obesity and related health issues would strengthen the argument. Additionally, including a broader range of causes, such as societal influences or economic factors, could provide a more comprehensive view.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a generally clear position regarding the seriousness of the obesity issue and the need for solutions. However, the clarity is occasionally undermined by awkward phrasing and grammatical errors, which can distract from the main argument. For example, phrases like "a number of people who have a obesity disease" could be simplified to "many people suffering from obesity."
- How to improve: To ensure a more consistent position, the writer should focus on clear and concise language. Regularly revisiting the main argument in each paragraph can help reinforce the position. Using topic sentences that summarize the paragraph’s main idea can also aid clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the causes and solutions of obesity, but these ideas are not always fully developed or supported with specific examples. For instance, while the mention of "white collar jobs" and increased screen time is relevant, it lacks statistical support or real-world examples that could enhance the argument.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide concrete examples or data that illustrate the points made. For instance, citing studies that show the correlation between fast food consumption and obesity rates could strengthen the argument. Additionally, expanding on the proposed solutions with specific examples of successful initiatives could provide more depth.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s focus on obesity and health. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly vague or off-point, such as the phrase "this is the complex obstacle that need to be address by many efficient methods," which lacks clarity and specificity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every sentence contributes directly to answering the prompt. Creating an outline before writing can help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that each paragraph has a clear purpose related to the topic. Regularly referring back to the prompt during the writing process can also help maintain relevance.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, improvements in clarity, development, and specificity would enhance the overall effectiveness of the response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a generally logical organization of ideas, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs addressing causes and solutions, and a conclusion. However, there are instances where the flow could be improved. For example, the transition from discussing causes to solutions is somewhat abrupt, lacking a clear linking statement that would guide the reader more smoothly from one section to the next.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "In addition to these causes," or "To address these issues," at the beginning of the solution section. This will help create a clearer connection between the problems identified and the proposed solutions.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas, which is a strength. However, some paragraphs are overly long and could be broken down for clarity. For instance, the second paragraph contains multiple ideas about causes that could be more effectively organized into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on work-related issues and another on lifestyle changes.
- How to improve: Aim for clearer paragraphing by ensuring each paragraph contains a single main idea. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence that clearly states the main point, followed by supporting sentences. This will not only improve readability but also strengthen the overall argument.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "therefore," "moreover," and "consequently," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas could be clearer. For example, the phrase "this is the complex obstacle that need to be address" lacks a cohesive link to the previous sentence, making the transition feel disjointed.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in contrast," or "as a result." Additionally, ensure that every cohesive device is used correctly in context to enhance clarity. For example, revising sentences to explicitly show cause and effect will strengthen connections between ideas.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving the overall quality of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "obesity," "detrimental," and "stakeholder." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variety, such as the frequent use of "health" and "fitness." Additionally, phrases like "common obstacle" and "complex obstacle" could be more varied to enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "health," they could use "well-being," "physical condition," or "fitness levels." Expanding vocabulary through reading diverse materials can also help.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "roof causes" should be "root causes," and "a number of people who have a obesity disease" should be "a number of people who are obese." The phrase "the quantity of health decrese" is vague and unclear, as it does not accurately convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch errors and ensure that the vocabulary used accurately reflects their intended meaning. Utilizing a thesaurus to find more appropriate words can also aid in achieving precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "effeciently" (efficiently), "decrese" (decrease), "seting" (setting), and "plethoral" (plethora). These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular spelling practice and utilize tools like spell checkers. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can help identify words that are misspelled or sound incorrect, allowing for corrections before final submission.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of vocabulary use, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, but it predominantly relies on simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "In the contemporary society" and "therefore it is critical to understand causes" show an attempt at complexity, yet many sentences remain straightforward and lack subordination. Additionally, the use of phrases such as "a number of people who have a obesity disease" indicates awkward phrasing and limited variety. The essay could benefit from more complex structures, such as conditional sentences or relative clauses, to enhance fluency and coherence.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "people don’t have much time to take care of themselves," you could say, "Due to their busy schedules, many people find it challenging to take care of themselves." Practicing the use of different sentence types, such as conditionals (e.g., "If individuals prioritize their health, they can improve their fitness levels") and relative clauses (e.g., "Many individuals, who are often busy with work, neglect their health"), will enhance the overall grammatical range.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "has had a detrimental impacts" should be "has had a detrimental impact," and "a obesity disease" should be "an obesity disease." Additionally, phrases like "the quantity of health decrese" are unclear and grammatically incorrect. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, also affect readability. For instance, "On a national levels, the country governments should enact policies or legislation associated with fast food" lacks clarity and could benefit from a clearer structure.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and article usage. Regularly reviewing basic grammar rules can help identify common mistakes. Additionally, proofreading the essay for punctuation errors, particularly in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Using tools like grammar checkers or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct errors before final submission. Practicing writing short paragraphs with a focus on correct grammar and punctuation will build confidence and accuracy over time.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

In contemporary society, many individuals claim that obesity has become a common obstacle and has had detrimental impacts on their health and fitness. Therefore, it is critical to understand the root causes and propose methods to comprehensively address its effects.

There are several root causes for the significant increase in the number of individuals with obesity and the decline in health. In this day and age, many employers work excessively to meet the demands of the developing economy, and this workload has placed more pressure on the mental health of employees. Consequently, people have little time to take care of themselves, such as eating on time and avoiding fast food. Moreover, due to such workloads, their lifestyles have shifted. For example, a plethora of people in white-collar jobs are spending less time exercising and focusing on physical health, while screen time from TVs, computers, and smartphones continues to rise. Thus, this complex obstacle needs to be addressed by many efficient methods.

Resolving this issue will require coordinated efforts across multiple stakeholders. On a national level, governments should enact policies or legislation related to fast food to mitigate consumption, such as increasing value-added taxes. On a micro level, each person should aim to raise awareness of their health and take responsibility for themselves by exercising, minimizing screen time, and establishing a healthy lifestyle. Consequently, only by governments enacting legislation and individuals embracing healthier behaviors can meaningful progress be achieved.

In conclusion, this obstacle is complex, multifaceted, and has become a significant issue affecting each person. To efficiently curb the damages of this issue, it is imperative to adopt a multi-pronged approach, including strategic, collaborative solutions between public and private sectors, alongside fostering individual awareness and responsibility.