In some places , teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school. Do the advantages of teenagers working outweight the disadvantages?

In some places , teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school.
Do the advantages of teenagers working outweight the disadvantages?

It is a common belief that woking part-time jobs while people are still in school can have negative effects on them . However , there is a more persuasive argument that taking part in job market in a early time has much more benefits , as it facilitates them to enhance their life experience and life skills . In this essay , the advantages and disadvantages of this will be discussed .
On the one hand , students who work part-time jobs probably get disturbed from studying in school .A part-time work requires a considerable amount of time ,if they do not manage their schedule , they will not only waste much time , but they also can not concentrate on learning in class. Take the example of my friends and upper class students , who have part-time jobs ,are usually caught in burnout and lethargic condition . As a result , they have low GPA and get into trouble in landing a job consequently .
Nevertheless, working part-time will help them to have more life experience and improve their life skills . The knowledge in school is typically academic and lack of hands-on experiences, resulting to inexperienced employees in workplaces. On the contrary ,college students can enrich their mindset and learn other skills such as communal skills , time-management skills and so on through working in real life . Not only are these things highly valuable for their career path in the long term , but they aslo create compelling curriculum vitaes. Many surveys , for example , show that recruiter appreciate candidates having had practical work experience in real life more highly than opposite ones, because they suppose that the former can work and deal with problems more effectively .
In conclusion ,while it is apparent that there are drawbacks to working part-time ,including health problems , low scores , I believe that this brings more benefits to teenagers.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "woking" -> "working"
   Explanation: Correcting the typo "woking" to "working" ensures the proper spelling of the word, maintaining the professionalism and accuracy of the text.

2. "negative effects on them" -> "adverse effects on students"
   Explanation: Replacing "them" with "students" specifies the subject of the effects, enhancing clarity and precision in academic writing.

3. "taking part in job market in a early time" -> "entering the job market at an early stage"
   Explanation: "Entering the job market at an early stage" is more formal and precise, replacing the awkward and incorrect phrase "taking part in job market in a early time".

4. "facilitates them to enhance" -> "facilitates their enhancement of"
   Explanation: "Facilitates their enhancement of" is grammatically correct and more formal, improving the flow and precision of the sentence.

5. "get disturbed from studying in school" -> "are distracted from their studies"
   Explanation: "Are distracted from their studies" is a more natural and academically appropriate way to express the idea, avoiding the colloquial "get disturbed from studying in school".

6. "A part-time work requires" -> "Part-time work requires"
   Explanation: Changing "A part-time work" to "Part-time work" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence more formal and direct.

7. "if they do not manage their schedule" -> "if they fail to manage their schedules"
   Explanation: "Fail to manage their schedules" is more precise and formal, emphasizing the potential consequences of poor time management.

8. "they also can not concentrate" -> "they may not concentrate"
   Explanation: "May not concentrate" is a more formal and less absolute expression than "can not concentrate", which is more suitable for academic writing.

9. "are usually caught in burnout and lethargic condition" -> "often experience burnout and lethargy"
   Explanation: "Experience burnout and lethargy" is a more precise and formal way to describe the condition, avoiding the colloquial "caught in burnout and lethargic condition".

10. "resulting to inexperienced employees in workplaces" -> "resulting in inexperienced employees in workplaces"
    Explanation: Adding "in" corrects the prepositional error, ensuring grammatical accuracy and clarity.

11. "communal skills" -> "social skills"
    Explanation: "Social skills" is the correct term, replacing the less common and less precise "communal skills".

12. "aslo" -> "also"
    Explanation: Correcting the typo "aslo" to "also" maintains the professionalism and accuracy of the text.

13. "appreciate candidates having had practical work experience" -> "prefer candidates with practical work experience"
    Explanation: "Prefer candidates with practical work experience" is more direct and formal, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.

14. "opposite ones" -> "those without"
    Explanation: "Those without" is a clearer and more formal alternative to the vague and informal "opposite ones".

15. "suppose that the former can work and deal with problems more effectively" -> "believe that the former are more effective in their work and problem-solving"
    Explanation: "Believe that the former are more effective in their work and problem-solving" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone of the statement.

16. "I believe that this brings more benefits to teenagers" -> "I contend that this offers more benefits to teenagers"
    Explanation: "I contend that this offers more benefits to teenagers" uses a more assertive and academically appropriate verb ("contend") and phrase ("offers"), enhancing the formality and strength of the conclusion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of teenagers working part-time jobs. The introduction sets up the discussion, and the body paragraphs provide examples of both sides. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit comparison of the advantages and disadvantages, as it does not clearly state which side outweighs the other until the conclusion. The mention of "health problems" and "low scores" in the conclusion is vague and does not fully explore the disadvantages discussed in the body.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly outline the advantages and disadvantages in separate paragraphs and explicitly state which side outweighs the other in the body of the essay. Adding a summary of the key points discussed would also strengthen the conclusion.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the advantages of working part-time outweigh the disadvantages. However, the position could be more consistently reinforced throughout the essay. For instance, while the introduction states the benefits, the discussion of disadvantages is somewhat lengthy and could lead to confusion about the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: To maintain a clearer position, the writer should consistently link back to their main argument after discussing each disadvantage. Phrases like "Despite these drawbacks, the benefits…" can help remind the reader of the overall stance.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the development of life skills and the potential negative impact on academic performance. However, some ideas are not fully developed. For example, the discussion of "communal skills" and "time-management skills" lacks specific examples or elaboration on how these skills are beneficial in real-life scenarios.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations for each point made. For instance, elaborating on how time-management skills gained from part-time work can lead to better academic performance would strengthen the argument. Including statistics or studies to support claims would also enhance the credibility of the points made.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the advantages and disadvantages of part-time work for teenagers. However, the mention of "burnout and lethargic condition" could be more directly tied to the overall argument about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Additionally, the phrase "the opposite ones" is unclear and could confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To improve focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Clarifying vague terms and ensuring that all examples are relevant to the argument will help maintain topic adherence.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the task and presents relevant arguments, but it would benefit from clearer structure, more detailed support for ideas, and a more consistent reinforcement of the main position.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are divided into two main sections: one discussing the disadvantages of part-time work and the other highlighting its advantages. This organization aids in following the argument. However, the transition between the two paragraphs could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing disadvantages to advantages feels abrupt and could benefit from a more explicit linking sentence that summarizes the previous point before introducing the next.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" at the beginning of the second body paragraph. Additionally, summarizing the main point of the first paragraph before transitioning to the second can help reinforce the logical connection between the two sections.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is essential for clarity. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, making it easier for the reader to follow. However, the first body paragraph lacks a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. This can lead to confusion about the paragraph’s focus.
  • How to improve: Start each body paragraph with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could begin with, "One significant disadvantage of teenagers working part-time is the potential negative impact on their academic performance." This would provide a clear focus and guide the reader through the argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "on the one hand," and "nevertheless," which help to connect ideas. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, and some sentences feel disjointed. For instance, the phrase "Take the example of my friends and upper class students" could be better integrated into the flow of the argument.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, consider using a variety of linking words and phrases such as "furthermore," "in addition," and "for instance." Additionally, ensure that examples are seamlessly integrated into the text. For example, instead of starting a new sentence with "Take the example of," you could say, "For instance, many of my friends and upper-class students who have part-time jobs often experience burnout." This integration will enhance the overall coherence of the essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "life experience," "life skills," "burnout," and "curriculum vitae." However, the vocabulary used is somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "life experience" and "life skills," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. Additionally, some expressions are overly simplistic or colloquial, such as "caught in burnout," which could be expressed in a more formal academic tone.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated phrases. For instance, instead of repeating "life experience," alternatives like "practical experience" or "real-world exposure" could be used. Expanding the vocabulary related to employment and education will also contribute to a more diverse lexical range.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "woking part-time jobs" is a misspelling of "working," which detracts from the clarity of the argument. Additionally, the phrase "resulting to inexperienced employees" should be "resulting in inexperienced employees," indicating a misunderstanding of the correct preposition.
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. Proofreading for grammatical accuracy and ensuring that the correct prepositions are used would help. Furthermore, using more specific terms, such as "academic knowledge" instead of just "knowledge," can clarify the argument.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "woking" instead of "working," "aslo" instead of "also," and "vitaes" instead of "vitae." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the writing.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spelling and grammar checking tools. Additionally, practicing common spelling rules and frequently misspelled words can help reinforce correct spelling habits. Keeping a list of commonly confused words and their correct forms may also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of lexical resource, there are clear areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance the overall quality of their writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For instance, the use of "On the one hand" and "Nevertheless" indicates an attempt to structure arguments clearly. However, the essay relies heavily on straightforward constructions, which limits the overall variety. Phrases like "students who work part-time jobs probably get disturbed from studying" and "working part-time will help them to have more life experience" are somewhat repetitive in structure and could be expressed in more varied ways.
  • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex sentences that combine clauses effectively. For example, instead of saying "working part-time will help them to have more life experience," the writer could say, "By working part-time, students not only gain valuable life experience but also develop essential skills that are often overlooked in academic settings." Additionally, using different sentence starters and varying the length of sentences can create a more engaging and dynamic writing style.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For instance, "woking" should be "working," and "in a early time" should be "at an early age." There are also issues with punctuation, such as missing commas, which can lead to run-on sentences. For example, "A part-time work requires a considerable amount of time ,if they do not manage their schedule" should have a space after the comma and could be rephrased for clarity. Additionally, the phrase "who have part-time jobs ,are usually caught in burnout" is incorrectly punctuated and should be "who have part-time jobs are usually caught in a state of burnout."
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading their work for spelling and punctuation errors. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also be beneficial. Furthermore, practicing common grammatical structures and rules, such as subject-verb agreement and proper use of articles, will help strengthen the overall accuracy of the writing. It may also be helpful to read more academic texts to observe correct grammar and punctuation in context.

By addressing these areas, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy for future IELTS essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is a common belief that working part-time jobs while students are still in school can have adverse effects on them. However, there is a more persuasive argument that entering the job market at an early stage offers many more benefits, as it facilitates their enhancement of life experience and essential skills. In this essay, the advantages and disadvantages of this issue will be discussed.

On the one hand, students who work part-time jobs may be distracted from their studies. Part-time work requires a considerable amount of time, and if they fail to manage their schedules, they will not only waste valuable time but may also struggle to concentrate on their learning in class. For example, my friends and upperclassmen who have part-time jobs often experience burnout and lethargy. As a result, they tend to have low GPAs, which can hinder their chances of landing a job in the future.

Nevertheless, working part-time helps students gain valuable life experience and improve their life skills. The knowledge acquired in school is typically academic and often lacks hands-on experiences, resulting in inexperienced employees in workplaces. In contrast, students who work can enrich their mindset and learn important skills such as social skills and time-management. Not only are these skills highly valuable for their long-term career paths, but they also create compelling curricula vitae. Many surveys, for instance, show that recruiters prefer candidates with practical work experience over those without, as they believe that the former are more effective in their work and problem-solving abilities.

In conclusion, while it is evident that there are drawbacks to working part-time, including health issues and lower academic performance, I contend that this offers more benefits to teenagers.