In the future, it is predicted that there will be a higher proportion of older people than younger one. Is it a negative or positive development? Give reasons.

In the modern society where humans are gradually having a better life, there is a prediction that the number of young people will be lower than that of the elderly in coming years. In this essay, I will discuss why I believe that this issue is a negative and also give several reasons for my opinion.
To begin with, nowadays, thanks to the development of technology and international integration, humans have gradually changed prejudices which used to resist their ancestors’ life such as women had to be housewives and responsible for their home, the young usually have a tendency to live for themselves more. Therefore, there are more younger people choosing stay alone and independently or getting married without children, which leads to a significant decline in the birth rate. In addition, in recent years, the life condition has been much improved and every nations have focus on developing the medical system with a view to providing their citizens with the best health care services so the average human lifespan has been remarkably increased. For example, before the 2000s, Vietnamese’s average life expectancy was about 67 years old; however, this number has markedly grown by over 10 years old, to almost 80 years old according to the latest reported data.
In my opinion, I think this development is not a positive for several reasons. Firstly, the decrease in the birth rate will result in an aging population, causing a big gap generation. In addition, the young are generation who will take responsibility of a country’s development, therefore, reduced proportion of younger people may directly affect the future of a nation. Secondly, higher percentage of the elderly than the younger one will lead to a shortage of young workforce who always have a creative and energetic style of work. This issue can impose a serious influence on the labor productivity and inhibit this country’s economic growth, thereby reducing the competitiveness compared to other countries.
In conclusion, I think the government should encourage the younger give birth and offer them welfares to avoid population imbalance which results in lasting consequences.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In the modern society where humans are gradually having a better life" -> "In contemporary society, where human living standards are continually improving"
Explanation: The phrase "gradually having a better life" is vague and informal. "Continually improving" is more precise and formal, enhancing the academic tone.
"there is a prediction that the number of young people will be lower than that of the elderly" -> "it is predicted that the number of young people will decrease relative to that of the elderly"
Explanation: "There is a prediction" is somewhat informal and imprecise. "It is predicted" is more direct and formal, and "decrease relative to" is more specific than "will be lower than."
"I will discuss why I believe that this issue is a negative" -> "I will discuss why I consider this issue to be negative"
Explanation: "I believe that this issue is a negative" is awkwardly phrased. "I consider this issue to be negative" is more direct and formal.
"nowadays, thanks to the development of technology and international integration, humans have gradually changed prejudices" -> "currently, due to technological advancements and international integration, societal attitudes have evolved"
Explanation: "Nowadays" is informal and "prejudices" is not the correct term here; "societal attitudes" is more precise. "Evolved" is a more academic term than "changed."
"the young usually have a tendency to live for themselves more" -> "young people often prioritize their personal interests"
Explanation: "Live for themselves more" is informal and unclear. "Prioritize their personal interests" is more specific and formal.
"there are more younger people choosing stay alone and independently" -> "there is an increasing trend among younger individuals to choose independent living"
Explanation: "Choosing stay alone and independently" is grammatically incorrect and informal. "Choose independent living" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"every nations have focus on developing" -> "every nation is focusing on developing"
Explanation: "Every nations" is grammatically incorrect; "every nation" is the correct form. "Have focus on" is awkward; "is focusing on" is more natural and formal.
"so the average human lifespan has been remarkably increased" -> "resulting in a significant increase in the average human lifespan"
Explanation: "Has been remarkably increased" is awkward and incorrect. "Resulting in a significant increase" is grammatically correct and more formal.
"Vietnamese’s average life expectancy was about 67 years old" -> "Vietnam’s average life expectancy was approximately 67 years"
Explanation: "Vietnamese’s" is possessive and incorrect; "Vietnam’s" is the correct possessive form. "About" is informal; "approximately" is more precise in academic writing.
"I think this development is not a positive for several reasons" -> "I believe this development is not beneficial for several reasons"
Explanation: "Not a positive" is informal and vague. "Not beneficial" is more precise and formal.
"the decrease in the birth rate will result in an aging population, causing a big gap generation" -> "the decline in birth rates will lead to an aging population, resulting in a significant intergenerational gap"
Explanation: "Decrease in the birth rate" is less formal; "decline in birth rates" is more precise. "Big gap generation" is informal and unclear; "significant intergenerational gap" is specific and formal.
"the young are generation who will take responsibility of a country’s development" -> "the younger generation will assume responsibility for a country’s development"
Explanation: "The young are generation" is grammatically incorrect. "The younger generation will assume responsibility for" is grammatically correct and formal.
"higher percentage of the elderly than the younger one" -> "a higher proportion of the elderly compared to the younger population"
Explanation: "Higher percentage of the elderly than the younger one" is awkward and informal. "A higher proportion of the elderly compared to the younger population" is grammatically correct and formal.
"always have a creative and energetic style of work" -> "typically exhibit a creative and energetic work style"
Explanation: "Always have a creative and energetic style of work" is informal and awkward. "Typically exhibit a creative and energetic work style" is more formal and precise.
"This issue can impose a serious influence on the labor productivity" -> "This issue can significantly impact labor productivity"
Explanation: "Impose a serious influence" is awkward and verbose. "Significantly impact" is more direct and formal.
"inhibit this country’s economic growth" -> "hinder this country’s economic growth"
Explanation: "Inhibit" is less commonly used in this context; "hinder" is more appropriate and formal.
"offer them welfares" -> "provide them with welfare"
Explanation: "Offer them welfares" is incorrect and informal. "Provide them with welfare" is grammatically correct and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the predicted demographic shift towards an older population and articulating the author’s belief that this is a negative development. The introduction clearly states the author’s position, and the body paragraphs provide relevant reasons supporting this view. For instance, the essay mentions the decline in birth rates and the implications for the workforce and economic growth, which are pertinent to the question. However, while the essay identifies negative aspects, it could benefit from a more balanced exploration of potential positive outcomes of an aging population, which would provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could briefly acknowledge potential positive aspects of an aging population, such as the wisdom and experience older individuals bring to society. This would demonstrate a more nuanced understanding of the topic and strengthen the overall argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author maintains a clear position throughout the essay, consistently arguing that the demographic shift towards an older population is negative. This clarity is evident in the thesis statement and the subsequent arguments presented in the body paragraphs. The use of phrases like "in my opinion" reinforces the author’s stance. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother to enhance the overall coherence of the argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and coherence, the author should use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis. Additionally, employing transitional phrases between points can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several relevant ideas, such as the impact of an aging population on the workforce and economic growth. Each point is supported with explanations and examples, such as the reference to Vietnam’s increasing life expectancy. However, some ideas could be further developed. For instance, the mention of a "big gap generation" could be elaborated upon to clarify its implications for societal dynamics.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the author should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could include discussing specific sectors that might be affected by a shrinking workforce or elaborating on how an aging population could impact social services and healthcare systems.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of an aging population. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For instance, the mention of societal changes in attitudes towards marriage and child-rearing, while relevant, could be more directly linked to the central argument about the negative consequences of an aging population.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly ties back to the main argument regarding the negative aspects of an aging population. This can be achieved by explicitly linking each supporting point to the thesis and avoiding tangential discussions that do not contribute to the central argument.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. By addressing the suggestions for improvement, the author can further enhance the clarity, depth, and relevance of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the negative implications of an aging population. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs are structured to address specific points related to the topic. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing societal changes to the implications of a declining birth rate feels somewhat abrupt. The connection between technological advancements and the aging population is not fully developed, which could confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, ensure that each point flows naturally into the next. For example, after discussing societal changes, explicitly link these changes to the implications for birth rates before moving to the consequences of an aging population.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second discusses the reasons for declining birth rates, and the third outlines the consequences of an aging population. However, the paragraphs could benefit from more internal cohesion. For instance, the second paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be better organized into separate sentences or even sub-points to clarify the argument.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence and that subsequent sentences support this main idea. Consider breaking down complex ideas into simpler sentences or bullet points to enhance clarity. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "to begin with," "in addition," and "firstly," which help to guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some transitions feel mechanical. For example, the phrase "in addition" is used repetitively, which can detract from the overall flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking phrases such as "furthermore," "moreover," "on the other hand," and "consequently." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a more sophisticated command of language. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to connect ideas logically rather than simply as fillers.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, there are areas for improvement in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument, potentially achieving a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "international integration," "prejudices," "birth rate," and "life expectancy." However, there are instances where vocabulary choices are somewhat limited or repetitive. For example, the phrase "young people" is used multiple times without variation, which could have been enhanced by using synonyms like "youth," "younger generations," or "young adults."
- How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate a broader variety of vocabulary related to demographics and societal issues. Utilizing synonyms and related terms can help avoid repetition and enhance the overall richness of the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly stating "young people," the writer could use "youth" or "younger generations" to diversify the language.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "health care services" and "economic growth." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "the young usually have a tendency to live for themselves more," which could be more clearly articulated. The phrase "the young are generation who will take responsibility of a country’s development" is also awkwardly phrased and could be misinterpreted.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on clarity and grammatical accuracy. For example, rephrasing "the young are generation who will take responsibility" to "the younger generation is responsible for a country’s development" would improve both clarity and grammatical correctness. Additionally, using more specific terms when discussing concepts can help convey ideas more effectively.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally demonstrates good spelling, but there are a few errors that detract from its overall quality. For instance, "nations" should be "nations" (missing an article), and "the young are generation" should be "the young generation" (missing a possessive form). Additionally, "the younger give birth" should be "younger generations to give birth."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully to catch any typographical errors or awkward phrasing. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help identify mistakes. Furthermore, practicing spelling common academic vocabulary can aid in improving overall spelling proficiency.

In summary, while the essay achieves a Band Score of 6 for Lexical Resource, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By diversifying vocabulary, enhancing clarity in word choice, and ensuring correct spelling, the writer can elevate their lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of sentence structures, including complex sentences and some varied sentence beginnings. For example, the use of introductory phrases like "To begin with" and "In addition" effectively organizes the essay. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as the frequent use of "the young" and "the elderly," which can make the writing feel somewhat monotonous. Additionally, some sentences are overly long and could benefit from being broken down for clarity, such as the sentence discussing the impact of technology and changing societal norms.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences with varied conjunctions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "the young" or "the elderly," try synonyms or rephrase to maintain reader interest. Additionally, aim to balance longer sentences with shorter ones to improve readability and flow.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a reasonable level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "the young usually have a tendency to live for themselves more" could be more succinctly expressed as "young people tend to prioritize their independence." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "every nations have focus," which should be "every nation has focused." Punctuation is generally correct, but some sentences could benefit from clearer separation to avoid run-on sentences.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and ensure that singular and plural forms match correctly. Additionally, review sentence construction to avoid run-ons; consider using periods or semicolons to separate independent clauses. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on specific grammatical structures can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In modern society, where humans are gradually experiencing a better quality of life, it is predicted that the number of young people will be lower than that of the elderly in the coming years. In this essay, I will discuss why I believe that this issue is negative and provide several reasons for my opinion.

To begin with, nowadays, thanks to the development of technology and international integration, societal attitudes have gradually changed from the prejudices that once defined their ancestors’ lives, such as the belief that women should be housewives and responsible for their homes. Young people now often have a tendency to live for themselves more. Therefore, there are more younger people choosing to stay alone and live independently or getting married without children, which leads to a significant decline in the birth rate. In addition, in recent years, living conditions have improved significantly, and every nation has focused on developing its medical system to provide citizens with the best health care services, resulting in a remarkable increase in the average human lifespan. For example, before the 2000s, Vietnam’s average life expectancy was about 67 years; however, this number has markedly grown by over 10 years, reaching almost 80 years according to the latest reported data.

In my opinion, I believe this development is not beneficial for several reasons. Firstly, the decrease in the birth rate will result in an aging population, causing a significant intergenerational gap. Additionally, the younger generation will be the ones who take responsibility for a country’s development; therefore, a reduced proportion of younger people may directly affect the future of a nation. Secondly, a higher percentage of the elderly compared to the younger population will lead to a shortage of young workers, who typically exhibit a creative and energetic work style. This issue can significantly impact labor productivity and hinder the country’s economic growth, thereby reducing its competitiveness compared to other countries.

In conclusion, I think the government should encourage younger people to have children and offer them welfare to avoid population imbalance, which could result in lasting consequences.