In today competitive world , many family find it necessary for both parents to you out to work . While some say the children in these families benefit from additional income , others feel they lack of support because of their parents absence . Discuss both view and give your opinion

The acceleration of pace of life leads to both parents go out for work in order to achieve additional income for support their children . Nay-sayers claim that children lack the support of their parents and the absence of parents can be resulted in many terrible things. In this essay , i will elaborate these view and I agree with the latter view .

On the one hand , childrens will be received the additional income because both their parents go out to work as a primary breadwinners . If both parents are subjected to work , children will have the fulfillment of life . For instance , childrens will have opportunities for study in private schools and high-quality universities in their nations . Also , childrens can join more various internship programmes and external language courses . As a result , the children will be offered many skills such as real-life skills , computer skills and learn new things and experience many circumstances that their children have never done before

On the other hand , children lack of their parent’s support and instructed . Seriously , children may have inadequate family monitoring . For example , both parents at the workplace , children may be lonely in their house so they feel bored because they don't have their parent presence and lack of family monitoring . If their children are lacked of family supervision , they can access a lot of uncontrolled content in the social platforms and they don't have the parent guidance and table manners . So , they are easily swayed into criminal activities such as disorderly conduct , robbery , foul and abusive language . Additionally is the inadequate family bonds

To conclude , despite others argue that children will be inherited by the additional revenue by both parents going out to work . From my perspective , i gravite towards that their children have negatively impacts because the absence of their parents

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The acceleration of pace of life" -> "The acceleration of the pace of life"
Explanation: Adding "the" before "pace of life" corrects the grammatical structure, making the phrase more natural and formal.
"leads to both parents go out for work" -> "leads to both parents going out to work"
Explanation: Changing "go out for work" to "going out to work" corrects the verb tense consistency and adds the necessary preposition "to" for grammatical correctness.
"in order to achieve additional income for support their children" -> "to earn additional income to support their children"
Explanation: Replacing "in order to achieve" with "to earn" simplifies and clarifies the purpose, and removing "for support" corrects the prepositional phrase.
"Nay-sayers claim" -> "Some critics argue"
Explanation: "Nay-sayers" is informal and less precise; "Some critics argue" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"the absence of parents can be resulted in many terrible things" -> "the absence of parents may lead to numerous negative outcomes"
Explanation: "Can be resulted in" is awkward and incorrect; "may lead to" is more precise and academically appropriate. Also, "terrible things" is vague; "negative outcomes" is more specific and formal.
"childrens" -> "children"
Explanation: "Childrens" is a possessive form and incorrect in this context; "children" is the correct form.
"will be received the additional income" -> "will receive additional income"
Explanation: "Will be received" is grammatically incorrect; "will receive" is the correct verb form.
"as a primary breadwinners" -> "as primary breadwinners"
Explanation: Removing "a" before "primary" corrects the article usage.
"childrens will have the fulfillment of life" -> "children will have a fulfilling life"
Explanation: "The fulfillment of life" is awkward and unclear; "a fulfilling life" is more natural and precise.
"childrens can join more various internship programmes" -> "children can participate in a variety of internship programs"
Explanation: "More various" is redundant; "a variety of" is more natural. Also, "programmes" should be "programs" for American English consistency.
"childrens can access a lot of uncontrolled content" -> "children may access a significant amount of uncontrolled content"
Explanation: "Can" is too strong; "may" is more appropriate for potential outcomes. Also, "a lot of" is informal; "a significant amount" is more precise.
"they don’t have the parent guidance and table manners" -> "they lack parental guidance and proper table manners"
Explanation: "Don’t have" is informal; "lack" is more formal. Also, "parent guidance" is more appropriate than "the parent guidance."
"they are easily swayed into criminal activities" -> "they are susceptible to criminal activities"
Explanation: "Easily swayed into" is colloquial; "susceptible to" is more formal and precise.
"Additionally is the inadequate family bonds" -> "Additionally, there is inadequate family bonding"
Explanation: "Additionally is" is grammatically incorrect; "Additionally, there is" corrects the structure. Also, "bonds" should be "bonding" for the correct noun form.
"i gravite towards that their children have negatively impacts" -> "I gravitate towards the view that their children are negatively impacted"
Explanation: "i" should be capitalized as "I" for proper noun usage. "Gravite" is a typographical error; "gravitate" is the correct word. "Negatively impacts" should be "are negatively impacted" for subject-verb agreement.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both sides of the argument regarding the impact of both parents working on children. The first paragraph discusses the benefits of additional income, while the second paragraph highlights the drawbacks of parental absence. However, the discussion is somewhat superficial, lacking depth in exploring the nuances of both views. For example, while the essay mentions opportunities for children due to additional income, it does not elaborate on how these opportunities can mitigate the negative effects of parental absence.
- How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into both perspectives. For instance, it could provide more examples of how financial stability positively affects children’s well-being and development, as well as discussing potential strategies families can adopt to maintain strong bonds despite both parents working.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay states a clear opinion in favor of the negative impacts of parental absence. However, the position is not consistently reinforced throughout the essay. The introduction mentions agreement with the latter view, but the body paragraphs do not clearly connect back to this stance, leading to some ambiguity about the author’s position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the author should consistently refer back to their opinion in each paragraph. Phrases like "In my view" or "This supports my argument that…" can help reinforce the stance throughout the essay.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of additional income and the risks of parental absence. However, many points are underdeveloped and lack sufficient support. For example, the claim that children can access uncontrolled content online is mentioned but not elaborated upon with specific examples or statistics.
- How to improve: The author should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. Using specific case studies or research findings can strengthen the argument and provide a more compelling discussion.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the prompt’s requirements. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the second paragraph, where the mention of "criminal activities" feels somewhat disconnected from the main argument about parental absence.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that all points made directly relate back to the central argument. Each paragraph should clearly tie back to the overall discussion of how both parents working impacts children, avoiding tangential points that do not directly support the main thesis.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic and presents both sides of the argument, it requires more depth, clarity, and cohesion to achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing opposing views, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow is occasionally disrupted by unclear transitions and a lack of clear topic sentences. For instance, the first body paragraph begins with a statement about children receiving additional income, but it does not clearly connect to how this income translates into benefits for the children. The second body paragraph presents the drawbacks of parental absence but could benefit from clearer connections to the initial argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, use transitional phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In contrast," "On the other hand") to guide the reader through the argument and clarify how each point relates to the overall discussion.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas. However, the paragraphs could be more cohesive. For example, the first body paragraph contains several ideas that could be better organized to enhance clarity, such as grouping similar benefits together rather than listing them in a somewhat scattered manner. The conclusion also lacks a strong summary of the main points discussed.
- How to improve: To improve paragraph structure, consider grouping related ideas together within each paragraph. Start with a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting details that are logically ordered. In the conclusion, summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs to reinforce the argument and provide a clear closing statement.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to indicate contrasting views. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and some sentences lack clear connections. For example, phrases like "As a result" and "For instance" are used, but there are instances where the connections between ideas could be made clearer, such as in the transition from discussing additional income to its benefits.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "Consequently," "In addition," and "Conversely." This will help clarify relationships between ideas and enhance the overall flow of the essay. Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to strengthen the connections between sentences and paragraphs.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially leading to an improved band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some appropriate terms such as "acceleration of pace of life," "primary breadwinners," and "inadequate family monitoring." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word choice, particularly with the word "children," which appears excessively. Phrases like "additional income" and "lack of support" are used correctly but could be varied to enhance the richness of the vocabulary.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer could incorporate synonyms and related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "children," alternatives like "youngsters," "youth," or "offspring" could be employed. Additionally, exploring phrases like "financial support" or "monetary benefits" instead of "additional income" could add variety.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the absence of parents can be resulted in many terrible things," which is awkwardly phrased. The phrase "children lack of their parent’s support and instructed" is also incorrect; it should be "lack their parents’ support and guidance." Such errors can confuse the reader and detract from the clarity of the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on grammatical structures and ensure that phrases are correctly formed. For instance, instead of "can be resulted in," a more precise expression would be "can result in." Additionally, using "guidance" instead of "instructed" would clarify the intended meaning.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "childrens" (should be "children"), "i" (should be capitalized as "I"), and "gravite" (should be "gravitate"). These errors can undermine the overall professionalism of the writing and affect the reader’s perception of the writer’s language proficiency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should make a habit of proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and maintaining a list of frequently used terms can aid in improving spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary use, there are significant areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their Lexical Resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences follow a simple subject-verb-object format, which can make the writing feel monotonous. For example, phrases like "children lack of their parent’s support" and "both parents go out to work" are straightforward but lack complexity. There are attempts at more complex structures, such as "the absence of parents can be resulted in many terrible things," but these are often grammatically incorrect or awkwardly phrased.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses, conditional phrases, or varied sentence openings. For instance, instead of saying "children will have opportunities for study," you could say "If both parents work, children will have greater opportunities to study at private schools." Practicing sentence combining and varying sentence lengths can also help create a more engaging writing style.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that hinder clarity. For example, "the acceleration of pace of life leads to both parents go out for work" should be "the acceleration of the pace of life leads both parents to go out to work." Additionally, the phrase "children lack of their parent’s support" is incorrect; it should be "children lack their parents’ support." Punctuation errors, such as the unnecessary space before commas and the incorrect use of apostrophes (e.g., "parent’s" instead of "parents’"), also detract from the overall quality.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular grammar exercises can help reinforce these concepts. For punctuation, reviewing the rules for comma usage and apostrophe placement will be beneficial. Reading more academic texts can also help internalize correct grammatical structures and punctuation.

Overall, while the essay addresses the prompt and presents both views, significant improvements in grammatical range and accuracy are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Engaging in targeted practice and seeking feedback on writing can facilitate these improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

The acceleration of the pace of life leads to both parents going out to work in order to earn additional income to support their children. Some critics argue that children in these families lack the support of their parents, and the absence of parents may lead to numerous negative outcomes. In this essay, I will elaborate on these views, and I agree with the latter perspective.

On the one hand, children will receive additional income because both their parents work as primary breadwinners. If both parents are employed, children can enjoy a fulfilling life. For instance, children will have opportunities to study in private schools and attend high-quality universities in their countries. Additionally, children can participate in a variety of internship programs and external language courses. As a result, they will acquire many skills, such as real-life skills and computer skills, and gain experiences they may not have encountered before.

On the other hand, children lack their parents’ support and guidance. This can lead to inadequate family monitoring. For example, when both parents are at work, children may feel lonely at home and bored due to their parents’ absence. If children lack family supervision, they may access a significant amount of uncontrolled content on social media platforms, and without parental guidance, they may not learn proper table manners. Consequently, they can become susceptible to criminal activities, such as disorderly conduct, robbery, and using foul language. Additionally, there is inadequate family bonding.

To conclude, while some argue that children benefit from the additional income generated by both parents working, I gravitate towards the view that their children are negatively impacted due to the absence of their parents.