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In today’s world of advanced science and technology, we still greatly value our artists such as musicians, painters and writers. What can the arts tell us about life that science and technology cannot?

In today's world of advanced science and technology, we still greatly value our artists such as musicians, painters and writers. What can the arts tell us about life that science and technology cannot?

In contemporary world, many artist such as musicians, painters and writers are still play an indispensable role in life despite the development of science and technology. I will discuss about the importance of art below.
Firstly, art can express human emotions. Scientists and technology just pay attention to the logic and practical while art care more about how people feel, think and see. For example, Van Gogh with his masterpiece " The Starry Night". This painting is about his own experiences and feelings when he was in asylum and looked outside the dynamite night sky. Hence, many artists express their feelings through artworks for many people can have a nuanced understanding about feeling's artists. That is why art can foster the community connection and sympathy.
Secondly, art can be considered as a representation for culture. It provides a vivid and multifaceted depiction of a culture's values, customs, beliefs and historical contexts. Therefore, art can b shared and cherished by people in the world. Moreover, art can protect culture identity via passing down many cultures to generations. In recents years, technology are becoming more and more popular, so some young people indifferent their specific culture, which originated from thousand years ago. Consequently, art is the bridge connecting the history and the present world.
In conclusion, although science and technology are more advanced, art is still essential for human lives.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "many artist such as musicians, painters and writers are still play" -> "many artists, such as musicians, painters, and writers, still play"
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement and eliminating the colloquial use of "play" by replacing it with a more formal and appropriate term, "play a role," enhances the academic tone.

  2. "I will discuss about the importance of art below." -> "I will discuss the importance of art below."
    Explanation: Removing the unnecessary preposition "about" after "discuss" aligns with the more formal structure of academic writing.

  3. "Scientists and technology just pay attention" -> "Scientists and technology focus solely"
    Explanation: Replacing the informal phrase "just pay attention" with the more precise and formal term "focus solely" improves the academic tone of the sentence.

  4. "while art care more about" -> "while art cares more about"
    Explanation: Correcting the subject-verb agreement by changing "care" to "cares" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal tone.

  5. "For example, Van Gogh with his masterpiece ‘The Starry Night’." -> "For example, consider Van Gogh’s masterpiece ‘The Starry Night.’"
    Explanation: Restructuring the sentence for clarity and using "consider" instead of "Van Gogh with his masterpiece" improves the flow and formality of the expression.

  6. "many people can have a nuanced understanding about feeling’s artists." -> "many people can gain a nuanced understanding of artists’ emotions."
    Explanation: Correcting the awkward phrasing and possessive form by changing "feeling’s artists" to "artists’ emotions" enhances clarity and formal language.

  7. "art can be considered as a representation for culture." -> "art can be considered a representation of culture."
    Explanation: Simplifying the expression by removing the redundant "as" and "for" improves the sentence’s conciseness and formality.

  8. "art can b shared" -> "art can be shared"
    Explanation: Correcting the typo by replacing "b" with "be" ensures grammatical accuracy and maintains a formal writing style.

  9. "In recents years," -> "In recent years,"
    Explanation: Correcting the grammatical error by changing "recents" to "recent" ensures proper usage and maintains formal language.

  10. "so some young people indifferent their specific culture" -> "so some young people may become indifferent to their specific culture"
    Explanation: Clarifying the meaning and improving the formality by changing "indifferent their specific culture" to "may become indifferent to their specific culture."

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6 – UNDER WORD

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. It discusses the importance of art in expressing human emotions and representing culture. However, it lacks depth and fails to provide a nuanced exploration of how art can convey aspects of life that science and technology cannot.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should delve deeper into specific examples of how art uniquely captures elements of human experience that science and technology may overlook. Expanding on the contrast between the analytical focus of science and the emotional depth of art would enhance the response.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that art is important despite advancements in science and technology. However, the expression lacks sophistication and depth, making the stance somewhat superficial.
    • How to improve: To enhance clarity and depth, the essay should provide more nuanced reasoning and explore the intricacies of why art remains essential in a world dominated by science and technology. Using specific examples and elaborating on the emotional and cultural significance of art would strengthen the argument.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks depth and elaboration. For instance, the discussion on expressing human emotions through art could benefit from specific examples and a more detailed analysis of how this happens.
    • How to improve: To improve, the essay should extend its ideas by providing concrete examples and delving into the mechanisms through which art achieves its unique communicative power. This could involve analyzing specific artworks and their impact on individuals and society.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but occasionally lacks focus. For instance, the mention of technology becoming more popular among young people seems somewhat unrelated to the central theme of how art communicates aspects of life distinct from science and technology.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should avoid tangential points and ensure that every detail contributes directly to the exploration of how art offers insights into life that science and technology cannot. Streamlining the discussion will enhance coherence.

In summary, while the essay addresses the key points of the prompt, it needs to deepen its analysis, provide more specific examples, and maintain a sharper focus on the central theme. Expanding on the emotional and cultural dimensions of art, along with refining the argumentation, would significantly improve the overall response. Additionally, attention to word count is crucial, and the essay should be revised to meet the specified length requirements.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. The introduction introduces the topic, and there is an attempt at organizing ideas in two body paragraphs. However, the lack of clear topic sentences and transitions between ideas makes the progression less smooth. For instance, the transition between the first and second paragraphs could be more seamless, creating a better flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to signal the main idea. Additionally, work on smoother transitions between paragraphs, ensuring a more connected and coherent progression of thoughts.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but the structure within each paragraph could be refined. The second paragraph, for instance, has a lengthy sentence that might benefit from breaking into smaller, more digestible parts. Paragraphs should focus on a single idea or argument, which would improve clarity and readability.
    • How to improve: Work on creating well-structured paragraphs with a clear main idea. Break down complex sentences into simpler ones, ensuring each sentence contributes to the overall coherence of the paragraph. This will enhance the overall organization and effectiveness of your essay.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as transitions like "Firstly" and "Secondly." However, there is a limited variety of these devices, and some are not used effectively. For instance, the transition "Hence" in the first paragraph is not seamlessly integrated, impacting the overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices used, incorporating a variety of linking words and phrases. Additionally, ensure that these devices are used appropriately to connect ideas and create a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will contribute to a more cohesive and well-connected essay.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion, improvements can be made in the logical organization, paragraph structure, and effective use of cohesive devices. Focusing on these aspects will contribute to a more polished and coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary. There is an attempt to use varied vocabulary, such as "indispensable," "nuanced," and "multifaceted." However, the vocabulary could be more diverse and precise to enhance the overall lexical resource.
    • How to improve: To improve, consider incorporating more sophisticated and contextually appropriate vocabulary. For instance, instead of "play an indispensable role," you might use "fulfill a pivotal role." Also, explore synonyms for commonly used words to add depth to your expressions.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage varies. While some terms are used accurately, such as "logic and practical," there are instances of imprecise language, like "dynamite night sky" (perhaps meant to be "dynamic night sky").
    • How to improve: Strive for greater precision by carefully selecting words that precisely convey your intended meaning. In this case, replacing "dynamite" with a more accurate adjective, like "dynamic" or "starry," would enhance the clarity and precision of your expression.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: There are several spelling errors in the essay, such as "artist" instead of "artists," "recents" instead of "recent," and "indifferent" instead of "indifferentiate." These errors, while not overwhelming, affect the overall spelling accuracy.
    • How to improve: Pay close attention to spelling, and consider using spelling and grammar tools for proofreading. Additionally, practice spelling words that commonly appear in your writing. Reviewing and correcting these errors will elevate the professionalism and accuracy of your essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an understanding of the importance of art, enhancing the lexical resource can significantly improve the overall quality of your writing. Focus on incorporating a broader range of vocabulary, using words more precisely, and ensuring correct spelling for a more polished and refined essay.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited variety of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, with a lack of complex structures. For instance, the author tends to use straightforward subject-verb-object constructions throughout the essay, resulting in a monotonous rhythm.
    • How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the author should incorporate complex sentences, such as those with subordinate clauses, appositives, or inverted word order. This will not only make the writing more engaging but also showcase a higher command of the English language.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies. For instance, in the first sentence, the phrase "many artist" should be corrected to "many artists." Additionally, there are instances of incorrect verb tense usage, such as "are still play" which should be corrected to "still play." Punctuation errors include missing commas after introductory phrases and instances of incorrect word usage, as seen in "dynamite night sky," where "dynamite" should be replaced with "dynamic."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the author should review basic grammar rules, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and proper noun-verb agreement. Additionally, a careful proofread is necessary to correct punctuation errors. Using tools like grammar checkers can be beneficial in identifying and rectifying such issues.

In conclusion, while the essay effectively communicates its main points, improvements in sentence structure variety and grammatical accuracy would contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, many artists, such as musicians, painters, and writers, still play an indispensable role in our lives despite the development of science and technology. I will discuss the importance of art below.

Firstly, art serves as a unique channel for expressing human emotions. While scientists and technology primarily focus on logic and practical aspects, art cares more about how people feel, think, and perceive. Consider Van Gogh’s masterpiece, “The Starry Night,” where he conveyed his personal experiences and emotions during his time in an asylum, gazing at the vibrant night sky. Consequently, many artists use their artworks to express intricate emotions, allowing people to gain a nuanced understanding of the artist’s feelings. This ability of art fosters community connections and empathy.

Secondly, art can be viewed as a representation of culture, offering a vivid and multifaceted depiction of a culture’s values, customs, beliefs, and historical contexts. This enables art to be shared and cherished globally. Moreover, art plays a crucial role in preserving cultural identity by passing down traditions to future generations. In recent years, as technology gains popularity, some young people may become indifferent to their specific culture, rooted in traditions that span thousands of years. Consequently, art serves as a bridge connecting history and the present world.

In conclusion, despite the advancements in science and technology, art remains essential for human lives. Its unique ability to convey emotions and represent diverse cultures enriches our understanding of life, fostering connection and preserving our collective heritage.

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