In your English class you have been talking about holidays from work. Now, your English teacher has asked you to write an essay. Write your essay using all the notes and giving reasons for your point of view. All employees should have at least 15 days of paid holiday time away from work each year. Do you agree? Notes Write about: 1. need for rest and relaxation 2. getting more work done 3. …………………… (your own idea) Write your answer in 140 – 190 words in an appropriate style
In your English class you have been talking about holidays from work. Now, your English teacher has asked you to write an essay.
Write your essay using all the notes and giving reasons for your point of view.
All employees should have at least 15 days of paid holiday time away from work each year.
Do you agree?
Notes
Write about:
1. need for rest and relaxation
2. getting more work done
3. …………………… (your own idea)
Write your answer in 140 – 190 words in an appropriate style
Some people say that they want to work as much as they can to make money and to them, they don't want have a rest to relax. They just want to make money and they forgot that their body need to be enjoyed. When they get older, they will use that money and rest of their life in hospital. Personally, having a holiday time is so important and I will give some reasons to support my opinion.
First,as I mentioned, your body and mind need to be released when you feel stressed. If no, you will be exhausted and even feel a nightmare. This can lead to many issues to your mental such as stressed,depression.As far as I am concerned, nowadays people are stressed when they go to work and it is increased in going healing.
Second, employees want to have days off to spend that time with their family. It is one of their privilage that they deserve to get it. Therefore, if you take their days off, they can work done and it will cause decrease in work productivity. For instance, my brother worked in a company but he rarely go to home ,so his family is not happy and sometimes I see him stressed and like an addictive person.
To sum up, having a holiday time is so essential and necessary to employees. When they work for a company, they want to enjoy their work and not to be reluctant in doing assignment.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Some people say that they want to work as much as they can to make money and to them, they don’t want have a rest to relax." -> "Some individuals assert that they wish to work extensively to earn a living and, consequently, do not desire to take a break to relax."
Explanation: Replacing "Some people say" with "Some individuals assert" elevates the formality of the statement. "Wish to work extensively" is more precise than "want to work as much as they can," and "consequently" clarifies the causal relationship between working and not taking a break, enhancing the academic tone. -
"they forgot that their body need to be enjoyed" -> "they forget that their bodies need to be rejuvenated"
Explanation: "Forget" should be "forget" to correct the verb tense consistency. "Rejuvenated" is a more formal and precise term than "enjoyed," which is too casual for academic writing, and it better conveys the idea of physical well-being. -
"When they get older, they will use that money and rest of their life in hospital" -> "When they reach older age, they will utilize that money and the remainder of their life in hospitals"
Explanation: "Reach older age" is a more formal expression than "get older." "Utilize" is more formal than "use," and "the remainder of their life in hospitals" is more precise and formal than "rest of their life in hospital," which is grammatically incorrect. -
"Personally, having a holiday time is so important" -> "Personally, having a holiday is crucial"
Explanation: "Crucial" is a more academically appropriate adjective than "so important," which is somewhat informal and vague. -
"First,as I mentioned, your body and mind need to be released when you feel stressed." -> "First, as I mentioned, it is essential to release your body and mind when feeling stressed."
Explanation: "It is essential to release" is more formal and precise than "your body and mind need to be released." Also, "feeling stressed" is grammatically correct compared to "you feel stressed," which is less formal. -
"If no, you will be exhausted and even feel a nightmare." -> "If not, you will become exhausted and experience a nightmare."
Explanation: "If no" is incorrect; "If not" is the correct conjunction. "Become exhausted" is more formal than "be exhausted," and "experience a nightmare" is grammatically correct compared to "feel a nightmare," which is less formal. -
"This can lead to many issues to your mental such as stressed,depression." -> "This can lead to various mental health issues, including stress and depression."
Explanation: "Various mental health issues" is more precise and formal than "many issues to your mental such as stressed,depression." Also, "including stress and depression" corrects the grammatical error and improves clarity. -
"employees want to have days off to spend that time with their family" -> "employees desire days off to spend time with their families"
Explanation: "Desire" is more formal than "want," and "spend time with their families" is grammatically correct and more formal than "spend that time with their family." -
"It is one of their privilage that they deserve to get it." -> "It is one of their privileges that they deserve to receive."
Explanation: "Privilege" should be "privileges" to agree with the plural subject "they." "Receive" is more formal than "get," and the phrase is grammatically correct. -
"my brother worked in a company but he rarely go to home" -> "my brother worked for a company but rarely went home"
Explanation: "Worked for a company" is more formal than "worked in a company," and "rarely went home" corrects the verb tense consistency and formality. -
"so his family is not happy and sometimes I see him stressed and like an addictive person." -> "so his family is unhappy, and I sometimes observe him appearing stressed and addicted."
Explanation: "Unhappy" is more formal than "not happy," and "appearing stressed and addicted" is more precise and formal than "stressed and like an addictive person," which is colloquial and imprecise. -
"having a holiday time is so essential and necessary to employees" -> "having a holiday is essential and necessary for employees"
Explanation: "Holiday time" is redundant; "holiday" suffices. "For employees" is more formal than "to employees."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by arguing in favor of paid holidays for employees, touching on the need for rest and relaxation and the impact on work productivity. However, it lacks a comprehensive exploration of all parts of the question. The third note, which invites the writer to provide their own idea, is not addressed at all. This omission weakens the overall argument and fails to fully engage with the prompt.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should ensure that all parts of the prompt are addressed. They could introduce a third point, such as the importance of mental health or the benefits of holidays for creativity and innovation in the workplace. This would provide a more rounded argument and demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position in favor of paid holidays, but the clarity is somewhat undermined by grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. For instance, phrases like "they forgot that their body need to be enjoyed" are confusing and detract from the overall message. Additionally, the transition between ideas is not smooth, which can lead to confusion about the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should focus on improving sentence structure and clarity. Using clear topic sentences for each paragraph can help guide the reader through the argument. Additionally, ensuring that each point logically follows from the previous one will strengthen the coherence of the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as the need for rest and the importance of family time, but these points are not fully developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the mention of the brother’s experience is a good attempt at providing a personal example, but it lacks depth and connection to the broader argument about productivity and well-being.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed explanations and examples. This could include citing studies or statistics about the benefits of holidays on employee productivity or mental health. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is clearly linked back to the main argument will help to reinforce the overall message.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the importance of holidays for employees. However, some sections veer off into vague statements or personal anecdotes that do not directly support the main argument. For instance, the phrase "they can work done and it will cause decrease in work productivity" is unclear and does not effectively convey the intended message.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should avoid overly broad statements and ensure that every sentence contributes to the argument. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that each paragraph stays on topic and directly supports the thesis.
Overall, the essay demonstrates an understanding of the topic but requires significant improvement in clarity, development of ideas, and engagement with all parts of the prompt to achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear stance on the importance of paid holiday time for employees. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s opinion and sets the stage for the subsequent arguments. However, the organization of the body paragraphs could be improved. The first paragraph discusses the need for rest and relaxation, but the transition to the second point about family time feels abrupt. For instance, the connection between stress and family time is not explicitly made, which can confuse readers about the logical flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph clearly links to the main argument and to each other. Using transitional phrases such as "Furthermore" or "In addition" can help create smoother transitions between points. It may also be beneficial to explicitly connect the ideas of stress relief and family time, perhaps by stating that time off allows employees to recharge and strengthen family bonds.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate ideas, which is a strength. The introduction, body, and conclusion are identifiable. However, the body paragraphs could be more effectively structured. The first paragraph lacks a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea, and the second paragraph could benefit from a clearer focus on the point being made about family time and productivity.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should begin with a strong topic sentence that clearly states the main idea. For example, the first paragraph could start with, "The necessity of rest and relaxation is crucial for maintaining both physical and mental health." Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph has a clear focus and that all sentences within it support that focus will improve clarity.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first" and "to sum up," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay could benefit from a wider variety. For example, the use of conjunctions and linking phrases is minimal, which can lead to choppy sentences and disrupt the flow of ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Moreover," "Additionally," and "Consequently" can help connect ideas more fluidly. Furthermore, varying sentence structures and incorporating pronouns to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance cohesion. For example, instead of repeating "employees" in every sentence, the writer could use "they" or "these individuals" to maintain flow.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some effective expressions such as "work productivity" and "holiday time." However, there are instances of repetition, particularly with phrases like "make money" and "days off," which detracts from the overall lexical variety. The use of terms like "privilege" and "essential" shows an attempt to use more advanced vocabulary, but the overall range remains limited.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "make money," alternatives like "earn income" or "generate revenue" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text, such as "significant" instead of "important" or "crucial."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some imprecise vocabulary choices. For instance, the phrase "their body need to be enjoyed" is unclear and grammatically incorrect; it should convey that the body needs rest or relaxation. The term "addictive person" is also vague and misleading, as it does not accurately describe the brother’s situation. Furthermore, "going healing" is not a standard phrase and lacks clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys their intended meaning. For example, instead of saying "their body need to be enjoyed," a clearer expression would be "their body needs time to relax." Additionally, replacing "addictive person" with "stressed individual" or "overworked person" would provide a more accurate description.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors, such as "privilage" (should be "privilege"), "stressed" (should be "stress"), and "assignment" (should be "assignments"). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the writer’s credibility.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or writing software can help identify errors before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can aid in improving overall spelling skills.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple or compound, lacking the complexity that would showcase a wider grammatical range. For example, the sentence "They just want to make money and they forgot that their body need to be enjoyed" is a compound sentence but could be enhanced with more complex structures. Additionally, there are instances of awkward phrasing, such as "their body need to be enjoyed," which detracts from clarity and sophistication.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using a mix of simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, instead of saying, "They just want to make money and they forgot," the writer could use a complex structure: "While they focus solely on making money, they often forget the importance of rest." Incorporating relative clauses, conditional sentences, and varied sentence beginnings can also enhance the essay’s complexity.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity. For example, "they don’t want have a rest to relax" should be "they don’t want to have a rest to relax," indicating a missing infinitive marker. Additionally, phrases like "your body and mind need to be released" are awkward; "released" is not the correct verb in this context. Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in "stressed,depression," further hinder readability.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of infinitives. Regular practice with grammar exercises, particularly those focusing on verb forms and sentence structure, can be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should review the rules for comma usage, especially in lists and before conjunctions. Reading more English texts can also help the writer internalize correct grammar and punctuation usage.
Overall, while the essay presents a clear opinion on the importance of holidays, enhancing grammatical range and accuracy will significantly improve the overall quality and coherence of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Some people say that they want to work as much as they can to make money, and to them, they don’t want to have a rest to relax. They just want to make money, and they forget that their bodies need to be rejuvenated. When they get older, they will use that money and the remainder of their life in hospitals. Personally, having holiday time is so important, and I will give some reasons to support my opinion.
First, as I mentioned, your body and mind need to be released when you feel stressed. If not, you will become exhausted and even experience a nightmare. This can lead to many issues with your mental health, such as stress and depression. As far as I am concerned, nowadays people are stressed when they go to work, and this is increasing the need for healing.
Second, employees want to have days off to spend that time with their families. It is one of their privileges that they deserve to receive. Therefore, if you take away their days off, they cannot get their work done, which will cause a decrease in productivity. For instance, my brother worked for a company but rarely went home, so his family is unhappy, and I sometimes observe him appearing stressed and addicted.
To sum up, having holiday time is essential and necessary for employees. When they work for a company, they want to enjoy their work and not feel reluctant in completing assignments.
