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Individual greed and selfishness are seen as the basis of modern society. Some people believe we must return to older, more traditional values, such as respect for others and a sense of community, in order to create a better world. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Individual greed and selfishness are seen as the basis of modern society. Some people believe we must return to older, more traditional values, such as respect for others and a sense of community, in order to create a better world. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Contemporary society appears to stimulate a major problem: individuals are growing more greedy and selfish. Some argue that it is better to revive traditional values, such as mutual respect. From my view, i partially agree with the idea that it is necessary to bring back former traditions,believing that a combination of these two components would offer the best to the community.
On the one hand, the egoism and avarice of people today are more apparent than ever. They tend to solely focus on earning income and putting themselves above everything else. For example, in today's cities, individuals seem to never have any interaction with their neighbors, which leads to the feelings of loneliness and isolation. Moreover, individuals who have such great self-esteem might be addressing their difficulties alone, which could potentially ruin their further future.
On the other hand, traditional values such as respecting others, or building good relationships with people would foster social cohesion. Also, it is a great way for them to assist each other when they are in need. For instance, individuals who stay connected to their neighborhood would never be scared of any shortage or trouble because their neighbours around them would always be there to support them. In addition, as traditional values offer a wide acquaintanceship, individuals would never miss out on any social benefits, or any special events.
In my opinion, i think a mix of the modern trends and old traditions would foster the best community for individuals. Firstly, egoism could impulse the competition rate in the market. Hence, it enriches the country's overall economy. Moreover, individualism offer people a more focused place to work, or to study, therefore enhancing their performance. Secondly, traditional values bond residents together, building social cohesion, which could help them socialize, and have themselves complemented in what they are lacking. If there was a combination of these aforementioned factors, our current society could appear to be more superior than ever.
In conclusion, despite individual greed and selfishness, I believe it will contribute more value to the social fabric if we combine that such component with former traditions, not only because of the social cohesion, but also because it fosters a competitive market that can support personal growth and the general economy of the country.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "Contemporary society appears to stimulate a major problem" -> "Contemporary society seems to face a significant challenge"
    Explanation: "Stimulate" is incorrectly used here, as it typically means to encourage or provoke, not to face a problem. "Seems to face a significant challenge" is more accurate and formal.

  2. "individuals are growing more greedy and selfish" -> "individuals are increasingly becoming more greedy and selfish"
    Explanation: "Growing more" is somewhat informal and vague; "increasingly becoming more" provides a clearer and more formal expression of the ongoing trend.

  3. "From my view, i partially agree" -> "From my perspective, I partially agree"
    Explanation: "From my view" is less formal and slightly awkward; "From my perspective" is more appropriate for academic writing. Also, "i" should be capitalized as "I" for proper noun usage.

  4. "it is necessary to bring back former traditions" -> "it is essential to revive former traditions"
    Explanation: "Bring back" is somewhat informal and vague; "revive" is more precise and academically suitable.

  5. "a combination of these two components would offer the best to the community" -> "a combination of these two elements would benefit the community"
    Explanation: "Offer the best" is vague and informal; "benefit" is more specific and formal.

  6. "egoism and avarice of people today are more apparent than ever" -> "the egoism and avarice prevalent among people today are more pronounced than ever"
    Explanation: "More apparent" is less formal; "more pronounced" is a more precise and academic term.

  7. "They tend to solely focus on earning income" -> "They tend to focus exclusively on earning income"
    Explanation: "Solely" is redundant with "exclusively," which is more commonly used in formal writing.

  8. "putting themselves above everything else" -> "prioritizing their own interests above all else"
    Explanation: "Putting themselves above everything else" is informal and vague; "prioritizing their own interests above all else" is more precise and formal.

  9. "individuals who have such great self-esteem might be addressing their difficulties alone" -> "individuals with such high self-esteem may face their challenges alone"
    Explanation: "Addressing their difficulties" is less formal; "face their challenges" is more direct and appropriate for academic writing.

  10. "which could potentially ruin their further future" -> "which could potentially jeopardize their future prospects"
    Explanation: "Ruining their further future" is awkward and informal; "jeopardize their future prospects" is more formal and precise.

  11. "traditional values such as respecting others, or building good relationships with people" -> "traditional values such as respect for others and fostering positive relationships"
    Explanation: "Respecting others, or building good relationships with people" is awkwardly phrased; "respect for others and fostering positive relationships" is clearer and more formal.

  12. "would never be scared of any shortage or trouble" -> "would never fear shortages or difficulties"
    Explanation: "Be scared of" is informal; "fear" is more appropriate in formal writing, and "shortages or difficulties" is more precise than "shortage or trouble."

  13. "individualism offer people a more focused place to work, or to study" -> "individualism provides individuals with a more focused environment for work or study"
    Explanation: "Offer people" is informal; "provides individuals with" is more formal and precise. Also, "environment" is more specific than "place."

  14. "If there was a combination of these aforementioned factors" -> "If these factors were combined"
    Explanation: "If there was a combination" is awkward and verbose; "If these factors were combined" is more direct and formal.

  15. "our current society could appear to be more superior than ever" -> "our current society could become even more superior"
    Explanation: "Appear to be more superior" is awkward and informal; "become even more superior" is more direct and formal.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both individual greed and the potential benefits of traditional values. The author acknowledges the issue of selfishness in modern society and presents a balanced view by suggesting a combination of both modern and traditional values. However, the response could be clearer in explicitly stating the extent of agreement or disagreement, as the phrase "I partially agree" lacks specificity in terms of how much weight is given to each side.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clarify their position more definitively. For example, they could specify whether they lean more towards traditional values or modern individualism and provide a rationale for this stance. Additionally, directly addressing the prompt’s request for "to what extent" would strengthen the argument.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that combines both modern and traditional values, but it lacks consistency. Phrases like "I partially agree" suggest a nuanced view, yet the essay occasionally leans more heavily on the benefits of traditional values without adequately reinforcing the importance of modern values. This inconsistency can confuse readers about the author’s true stance.
    • How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently refer back to their main argument throughout the essay. Using transitional phrases that reinforce their stance, such as "While I acknowledge the benefits of modern individualism, I believe traditional values are crucial for…" can help clarify their position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the negative impact of individualism and the benefits of traditional values. However, some points lack depth. For instance, the claim that "egoism could impulse the competition rate in the market" is mentioned but not elaborated upon, leaving readers wanting more explanation or examples.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the support for their ideas, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples. For instance, when discussing the economic benefits of individualism, they could include statistics or real-world examples that illustrate this point. Additionally, expanding on how traditional values foster community support would provide a more robust argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the themes of greed, selfishness, and traditional values. However, there are moments where the focus shifts slightly, such as when discussing the "great self-esteem" of individuals, which feels tangential to the main argument about community and values.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central argument of the essay. They can achieve this by regularly linking back to the prompt and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering the question posed.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument, potentially raising their band score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. The argument progresses logically from discussing the problems of modern society to advocating for a blend of traditional and modern values. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing individualism to traditional values in the second paragraph feels abrupt, lacking a clear linking sentence that connects these two ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing the negative aspects of modern individualism, you could introduce the next paragraph with a phrase like, "In contrast, traditional values offer a remedy to these issues." This would help the reader follow the argument more easily.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which aids readability. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the first body paragraph could be more effectively structured. The ideas presented are somewhat jumbled, and the lack of clear topic sentences makes it difficult to discern the main point of the paragraph.
    • How to improve: Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. For instance, in the first body paragraph, you could begin with, "The rise of individualism in contemporary society has led to increased feelings of isolation." This would provide clarity and direction for the reader.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "on the one hand" and "on the other hand," which help in contrasting different viewpoints. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be strengthened. For example, phrases like "Moreover" and "In addition" are used, but they could be varied to avoid repetition and enhance the flow.
    • How to improve: Diversify the range of cohesive devices used. Incorporate a mix of conjunctions, adverbs, and phrases to create smoother transitions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Moreover," you could use alternatives like "Furthermore," "Additionally," or "In addition to this." This variety will make the writing more engaging and cohesive.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but with improvements in logical transitions, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices, it could achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "egoism," "avarice," "social cohesion," and "mutual respect." However, the vocabulary tends to be somewhat repetitive, particularly in phrases like "individuals" and "traditional values." The use of "great" and "superior" lacks variety and sophistication, which limits the overall lexical richness.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider incorporating synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "individuals," you could use "people," "citizens," or "members of society." Additionally, instead of "great," try words like "significant," "valuable," or "beneficial" to add depth to your descriptions.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While there are instances of precise vocabulary, such as "mutual respect" and "social cohesion," there are also areas where word choice could be improved. For example, the phrase "egoism could impulse the competition rate" is awkward; "impulse" is not used correctly here. A more appropriate term might be "drive" or "enhance." Additionally, "great self-esteem" could be replaced with "high self-esteem," which is a more standard expression.
    • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys your intended meaning. Review your word choices and consider whether they fit the context. Utilize a thesaurus to find more precise alternatives, and practice writing sentences that incorporate these terms correctly.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "i" instead of "I," "believing that a combination of these two components would offer the best to the community" (missing space before "believing"), and "neighbours" (which is correct in British English but should be consistent with the rest of the essay). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
    • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a break and then read your essay aloud to catch errors. Additionally, using spell-check tools in word processors can help identify mistakes. Regular practice with spelling exercises can also enhance your overall spelling skills.

By addressing these areas, you can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource. Focus on expanding your vocabulary, ensuring precision in word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy to enhance the clarity and professionalism of your writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "On the one hand" and "On the other hand" effectively introduces contrasting ideas. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the sentence "Moreover, individuals who have such great self-esteem might be addressing their difficulties alone" could be rephrased to enhance complexity and engagement.
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex sentences that use subordinate clauses. For example, instead of saying "individuals seem to never have any interaction with their neighbors," you could say "individuals, who seem to never interact with their neighbors, contribute to feelings of loneliness." Additionally, varying the placement of clauses can create a more engaging rhythm in your writing.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good command of grammar, but there are notable errors that affect clarity and professionalism. For instance, "i partially agree" should be capitalized as "I partially agree." Additionally, punctuation issues are present, such as the lack of a space after commas and before conjunctions (e.g., "traditions,believing" should be "traditions, believing"). These errors detract from the overall quality of the writing.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread your work carefully. Pay special attention to capitalization, as it is a common oversight. Furthermore, ensure that punctuation is used correctly, particularly with commas and conjunctions. Practicing with grammar exercises and using tools like grammar checkers can also help identify and correct mistakes before finalizing your essay.

By addressing these areas for improvement, you can enhance the overall quality of your writing and potentially achieve a higher band score in the Grammatical Range and Accuracy criteria.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Contemporary society seems to face a significant challenge: individuals are increasingly becoming more greedy and selfish. Some argue that it is better to revive traditional values, such as mutual respect and a sense of community. From my perspective, I partially agree with the idea that it is essential to revive former traditions, believing that a combination of these two elements would benefit the community.

On the one hand, the egoism and avarice prevalent among people today are more pronounced than ever. They tend to focus exclusively on earning income and prioritizing their own interests above all else. For example, in today’s cities, individuals seem to have little interaction with their neighbors, which leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Moreover, individuals with such high self-esteem may face their challenges alone, which could potentially jeopardize their future prospects.

On the other hand, traditional values such as respect for others and fostering positive relationships would enhance social cohesion. Additionally, these values provide a great way for individuals to assist each other when in need. For instance, those who remain connected to their neighborhoods would never fear shortages or difficulties because their neighbors would always be there to support them. Furthermore, as traditional values encourage a wide network of acquaintances, individuals would not miss out on social benefits or special events.

In my opinion, I believe that a mix of modern trends and old traditions would create the best community for individuals. Firstly, individualism could boost competition in the market, thereby enriching the country’s overall economy. Moreover, this focus allows people to have a more concentrated environment for work or study, enhancing their performance. Secondly, traditional values bond residents together, fostering social cohesion, which helps them socialize and complement each other in areas where they may be lacking. If these factors were combined, our current society could become even more superior.

In conclusion, despite the challenges posed by individual greed and selfishness, I believe that integrating these elements with traditional values will contribute more positively to the social fabric. This approach not only promotes social cohesion but also fosters a competitive market that can support personal growth and the overall economy of the country.

Bài viết liên quan

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more accessible. Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

Around the world, many adults are working from home, and more children are beginning to study from home because technology has become cheaper and more…

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