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Is it important to protect wild animals? Should we keep wild animals in zoos?

Is it important to protect wild animals? Should we keep wild animals in zoos?

One compelling reason is that protecting wildlife plays an important role in balanced biodiversity. If one day wild animals disappear, leading to disturbed food chains in natural habitats. This is the reason for ecosystem changes, causing negative impacts on the environment. For instance, A sheep farm was often eaten by wolves, so they decided to hunt all the wolves. After a time, they discovered that the sheep quickly ate all the grass, leading to the sheep dying from food exhaustion. Thus, an imbalanced ecosystem causes serious consequences for the environment. Another factor is that preserving creatures helps humans study a lot of medicine. The medicines have been derived from the chemicals produced by animals. These are used to help cure patients, depending on various health conditions. Besides, the drugs extracted with high concentrations are more likely to have high values, enabling medicines to bring a rich financial source for pharmaceutical companies. Therefore, the preservation of wild animals helps preserve ecological diversity and research new medicines.
I firmly believe that having zoos can conserve wild animals and enhance the living standards of residents. Firstly, the zoos ensure the safety of animals, which might supply a sanctuary, food, and medical services for endangered species. Many animals in zoos come from situations where they were injured, orphaned, or unable to survive in the wild. Especially, newborn animals might be vulnerable to climate change and pollution, leading to the inability to overcome in nature. Additionally, the zoos play a significant role in enhancing the living standards of residents in the surrounding areas. Zoos generate employment opportunities, creating jobs for the local workforce and stimulating economic growth. For instance, Vinpearl Safari Phu Quoc is one of the most attractive zoos sought after by domestic and foreign tourists. Local people earn money from tourists through hotel services, restaurants, and other entertainment, resulting in promoting the well-being of the local community. Therefore, the benefits of zoos contribute significantly to preserving wild animals and improving resident's lives.


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Errors and Improvements:

  1. "One compelling reason is that protecting wildlife plays an important role in balanced biodiversity." -> "One compelling reason is that safeguarding wildlife plays a crucial role in maintaining balanced biodiversity."
    Explanation: Replacing "protecting" with "safeguarding" and "plays an important role" with "plays a crucial role" elevates the formality of the language while maintaining clarity.

  2. "If one day wild animals disappear, leading to disturbed food chains in natural habitats." -> "If, at any point, wild animals were to vanish, it would disrupt the food chains in their natural habitats."
    Explanation: The revised sentence introduces conditional language ("If, at any point") and rephrases to provide a more formal structure.

  3. "A sheep farm was often eaten by wolves, so they decided to hunt all the wolves." -> "A sheep farm was frequently preyed upon by wolves, prompting the decision to hunt down the entire wolf population."
    Explanation: The use of "preyed upon" and restructuring the sentence for clarity and formality enhances the academic tone.

  4. "After a time, they discovered that the sheep quickly ate all the grass, leading to the sheep dying from food exhaustion." -> "Over time, it was revealed that the sheep rapidly consumed all the grass, resulting in their demise due to food exhaustion."
    Explanation: The replacement of "After a time" with "Over time" and the more precise phrasing contribute to a more formal expression.

  5. "Thus, an imbalanced ecosystem causes serious consequences for the environment." -> "Consequently, an imbalanced ecosystem yields severe repercussions for the environment."
    Explanation: Substituting "Thus" with "Consequently" and using more formal language enhances the overall academic style.

  6. "Another factor is that preserving creatures helps humans study a lot of medicine." -> "Another contributing factor is that conserving wildlife facilitates extensive research in medicine for humans."
    Explanation: Replacing "preserving creatures" with "conserving wildlife" and restructuring the sentence enhances clarity and formality.

  7. "Besides, the drugs extracted with high concentrations are more likely to have high values, enabling medicines to bring a rich financial source for pharmaceutical companies." -> "Moreover, drugs extracted at high concentrations are more likely to possess significant value, providing a lucrative financial source for pharmaceutical companies."
    Explanation: "Besides" is replaced with "Moreover" for better flow, and the phrase is refined for formality and precision.

  8. "I firmly believe that having zoos can conserve wild animals and enhance the living standards of residents." -> "I firmly contend that the presence of zoos can contribute to the conservation of wild animals and elevate the living standards of residents."
    Explanation: "Believe" is replaced with "contend," and the sentence is refined for a more assertive and formal tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

  1. Quoted text: "One compelling reason is that protecting wildlife plays an important role in balanced biodiversity. If one day wild animals disappear, leading to disturbed food chains in natural habitats. This is the reason for ecosystem changes, causing negative impacts on the environment. For instance, A sheep farm was often eaten by wolves, so they decided to hunt all the wolves. After a time, they discovered that the sheep quickly ate all the grass, leading to the sheep dying from food exhaustion. Thus, an imbalanced ecosystem causes serious consequences for the environment."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The argument presents a valid point about the interconnectedness of wildlife and ecosystem balance. However, the example lacks clarity and coherence. To enhance this, provide a more concise and well-structured example. For instance, you could explain the impact of removing a predator (wolves) from an ecosystem, resulting in an overpopulation of prey (sheep) leading to environmental consequences such as soil erosion or overgrazing.
    • Improved example: "One compelling reason is that protecting wildlife plays a crucial role in maintaining balanced biodiversity. For example, when wolves were eliminated from a certain area, the unchecked growth of the sheep population led to overgrazing, depleting the vegetation cover. This, in turn, caused soil erosion and negatively impacted the entire ecosystem."
  2. Quoted text: "Another factor is that preserving creatures helps humans study a lot of medicine. The medicines have been derived from the chemicals produced by animals. These are used to help cure patients, depending on various health conditions. Besides, the drugs extracted with high concentrations are more likely to have high values, enabling medicines to bring a rich financial source for pharmaceutical companies. Therefore, the preservation of wild animals helps preserve ecological diversity and research new medicines."

    • Explanation and Improvement Suggestions: The point about the medical benefits derived from wild animals is valid, but the explanation is somewhat fragmented. To improve, provide a more seamless connection between the idea of medicine derived from animals and the financial value for pharmaceutical companies. Also, elaborate on specific examples of medicines derived from wildlife and their impact on human health.
    • Improved example: "Furthermore, the preservation of wild animals is crucial for medical advancements. Many life-saving medicines, such as antibiotics and anti-coagulants, are derived from compounds found in various animal species. This not only contributes to preserving ecological diversity but also serves as a valuable resource for pharmaceutical companies, ensuring continuous research and development of new medicines to address emerging health challenges."
  3. Overall: The essay adequately addresses the task, covering both the importance of protecting wild animals and the role of zoos. However, the essay would benefit from more developed examples and improved coherence in connecting ideas. Consider providing more specific and vivid examples to strengthen your arguments and ensure a smoother flow between sentences and paragraphs.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a logical organization of ideas with clear progression throughout. It effectively uses cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases, to connect ideas. Each paragraph presents a clear central topic, contributing to the overall coherence. The introduction establishes the importance of protecting wildlife, and subsequent paragraphs build on this theme. There is a smooth flow of ideas within and between sentences, contributing to the overall coherence.

Paragraphing is generally well-managed, with distinct ideas placed in separate paragraphs. The essay successfully utilizes cohesive devices to connect sentences and paragraphs, creating a cohesive and coherent piece of writing. The essay also maintains a focus on the central topic, which is the importance of protecting wild animals and the role of zoos in achieving this.

While there are some minor instances of under-/over-use of cohesive devices, they do not significantly impact the overall coherence. The essay effectively balances the use of these devices to create a well-connected and logically organized argument.

How to improve:
To further improve coherence and cohesion, ensure consistent use of cohesive devices throughout the essay. While the current essay is well-organized, paying attention to a more varied and precise use of transitional phrases can enhance the overall flow. Additionally, consider refining the concluding paragraph to provide a concise summary of the key points discussed in the essay, reinforcing the central theme of the importance of protecting wild animals and the role of zoos.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score: 6.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task. It uses a variety of words and attempts to incorporate less common vocabulary, although some inaccuracies are present. There are instances where more precise and sophisticated word choices could enhance the lexical richness and complexity of the essay. The errors in word choice and some inaccuracies in collocation slightly hinder the fluency and precision required for higher bands.

How to improve:

  1. Vocabulary Sophistication: Aim for more nuanced and precise vocabulary choices to convey ideas with greater depth and sophistication. Expand the use of uncommon lexical items where appropriate to elevate the essay’s lexical richness.
  2. Collocation and Word Choice: Pay closer attention to the combinations of words (collocation) to ensure accuracy in conveying intended meanings. Revise and refine word choices to enhance clarity and precision.
  3. Sentence Structure: Work on constructing sentences that are more complex and varied, utilizing diverse sentence structures to showcase a higher level of language proficiency.
  4. Proofreading and Editing: Review spelling and word formation errors to improve accuracy and communication. Ensure that the essay is polished and error-free for greater impact.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary and attempts to incorporate less common words, improvements in lexical precision, collocation accuracy, and error reduction would elevate it to a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score: 7.0

Explanation:
The essay demonstrates a good control of grammar and punctuation with a variety of complex structures. There are frequent error-free sentences, and the overall use of language is effective in conveying the ideas. The essay successfully communicates the reasons for protecting wild animals and supporting zoos, utilizing a mix of simple and complex sentence forms. However, there are some errors in grammar and punctuation, though they rarely impede communication. Examples of these errors include:

  1. "A sheep farm was often eaten by wolves" – The sentence structure is awkward, and it may be more accurate to say "Wolves often preyed on a sheep farm."
  2. "After a time, they discovered that the sheep quickly ate all the grass, leading to the sheep dying from food exhaustion." – The use of "food exhaustion" is not entirely clear; it could be improved by saying "leading to the sheep dying due to lack of food."

How to improve:
To improve grammatical range and accuracy, the writer should pay careful attention to sentence structures and ensure clarity in expression. Additionally, thorough proofreading would help identify and correct minor errors in grammar and punctuation.

Note: The essay exhibits qualities of both Band 6 and Band 7, but the overall proficiency in grammar and sentence structures, despite occasional errors, aligns more closely with a Band 7 score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Protecting wildlife is undeniably crucial for maintaining a balanced biodiversity. If, at any point, wild animals were to vanish, it would disrupt the natural food chains, leading to detrimental consequences in their habitats. An illustrative example is the case of a sheep farm frequently targeted by wolves. In response, the decision was made to eliminate the entire wolf population. However, over time, it became evident that the sheep, in the absence of natural predators, rapidly consumed all the grass. This ultimately led to the demise of the sheep due to food exhaustion. Clearly, an imbalanced ecosystem yields severe repercussions for the environment.

Another significant factor is that conserving wildlife facilitates extensive research in medicine for humans. Medicines derived from the chemicals produced by animals have proven invaluable in treating various health conditions. Moreover, drugs extracted at high concentrations are more likely to possess significant value, providing a lucrative financial source for pharmaceutical companies.

In light of these considerations, I firmly contend that the presence of zoos can contribute to the conservation of wild animals and elevate the living standards of residents. Firstly, zoos play a crucial role in ensuring the safety of animals, providing them with a sanctuary, food, and necessary medical services. Many animals in zoos come from situations where they were injured, orphaned, or unable to survive in the wild. This is particularly important for newborn animals vulnerable to climate change and pollution, hindering their ability to thrive in nature.

Additionally, zoos significantly contribute to enhancing the living standards of residents in surrounding areas. They generate employment opportunities, creating jobs for the local workforce and stimulating economic growth. For instance, Vinpearl Safari Phu Quoc, a popular zoo, attracts both domestic and foreign tourists, benefiting the local community through services such as hotels, restaurants, and entertainment. This, in turn, promotes the overall well-being of the local community. Therefore, the benefits of zoos make a substantial contribution to preserving wild animals and improving residents’ lives.

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