It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age if it is possible for them to do so.

Do you agree or disagree?

It is a well-documented fact that an increasing number of people all over the world are drawing attention to the old people continue working if they have ability. There are some people who strongly belive that they agree with it issue, others claim that they disagree. Therefore, this has been an endless controversial issue, and both sides of the above issue will be addressed in the contemporary world.
On the one hand, some people believe that they agree with the old age continue working on their abilities should be taken into account. Firstly, it is commonly believed that the old age have enormous experience to solve problems. A clear example being found to prove is that the senior can gain deeper into their company, they did encounter and overcome a lot of abstacles, so they have the best choice of solutions for their company. Equal;y important, there is no doubt that the old age enrich the large horizon and wider the social network, so they have rely on their relationship to help their company develop. For example, they cooperate with other company or other people who have potential to foster a sense of belonging and purpose.
On the other hand, there are two primary points for ther people to defend their opposite view. First and foremost, it is undeniable that the old people can not avoid health risks. this is supported by the fact that some cases demand of work can exacerbate health issuesm leading to diminished quality of life, besides, stressful or physically demanding jobs might be particularly harmful. in addition to this, there is no denying that continuing yo work may limit the time available for personal life. An obvious example to prove is that if the old age continous working, they will decrease the time for leisure, family and hobbies.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

1. "old people continue working" -> "elderly individuals continuing to work"
   Explanation: "Old people continue working" is somewhat informal. "Elderly individuals continuing to work" maintains the same meaning while using more formal language suitable for academic writing.

2. "belive" -> "believe"
   Explanation: "Belive" is a misspelling of "believe."

3. "it issue" -> "this issue"
   Explanation: "It issue" lacks clarity and precision. "This issue" clearly refers to the topic under discussion.

4. "above issue" -> "aforementioned issue"
   Explanation: "Above issue" is somewhat ambiguous. "Aforementioned issue" is a more precise and formal alternative.

5. "Equal;y" -> "Equally"
   Explanation: "Equal;y" is a typographical error. "Equally" is the correct adverb.

6. "abstacles" -> "obstacles"
   Explanation: "Abstacles" is a misspelling of "obstacles."

7. "rely on their relationship" -> "rely on their relationships"
   Explanation: "Their relationship" implies a singular relationship, which is unclear. "Their relationships" denotes multiple relationships, providing clarity.

8. "First and foremost" -> "Firstly and foremost"
   Explanation: Adding "ly" to "first" creates parallel structure with "foremost," enhancing the coherence and formality of the phrase.

9. "ther people" -> "other people"
   Explanation: "Ther" is a typographical error. "Other people" is the correct phrase.

10. "can not" -> "cannot"
    Explanation: "Can not" should be written as one word, "cannot."

11. "exacerbate health issuesm" -> "exacerbate health issues"
    Explanation: "Issuesm" is a typographical error. "Health issues" is the correct term.

12. "yo work" -> "to work"
    Explanation: "Yo work" is a typographical error. "To work" is the correct phrase.

13. "continous" -> "continuing"
    Explanation: "Continous" is a misspelling of "continuing."

14. "decrease the time for leisure" -> "reduce the amount of leisure time"
    Explanation: "Decrease the time for leisure" is somewhat awkward. "Reduce the amount of leisure time" is clearer and more concise.

15. "family and hobbies" -> "family activities and hobbies"
    Explanation: "Family and hobbies" lacks clarity. "Family activities and hobbies" specifies different aspects of personal life more explicitly.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, acknowledging the perspective of those who agree and those who disagree with the idea of elderly individuals continuing to work. However, there are some areas where the response could be improved. The essay briefly introduces both viewpoints but lacks depth in the analysis. It mentions the benefits of older individuals continuing to work, such as their experience and social network, as well as potential drawbacks like health risks and limited personal time. However, the analysis lacks specificity and could delve deeper into each aspect of the prompt.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay should provide more detailed analysis of each viewpoint. For instance, when discussing the benefits of older individuals continuing to work, it could provide specific examples or studies supporting the notion that experience and social networks contribute to company success. Similarly, when addressing the drawbacks, the essay could elaborate on the types of health risks older individuals may face in the workforce and provide evidence to support these claims. By expanding on these points, the essay would better address all parts of the question.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to present both sides of the argument without explicitly stating a clear position. While this approach can be effective in some cases, it may also lead to a lack of clarity in the essay’s stance. The introduction indicates that the issue is controversial and that both viewpoints will be discussed, but it does not clearly state the writer’s own position. As a result, the reader may be left unsure of where the author stands on the topic.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity, the essay should clearly state the writer’s position on whether they agree or disagree with the idea of older individuals continuing to work. This can be done in the thesis statement or introduction, providing a roadmap for the reader to follow throughout the essay. By clearly articulating the author’s stance, the essay will be more cohesive and easier for the reader to understand.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas but lacks extension and support in some areas. While it briefly mentions the benefits and drawbacks of older individuals continuing to work, it does not fully develop these points or provide sufficient evidence to support them. For example, when discussing the benefits, the essay mentions experience and social networks but does not elaborate on how these contribute to company success. Similarly, when addressing the drawbacks, it mentions health risks and limited personal time but does not provide specific examples or evidence to support these claims.
  • How to improve: To improve the presentation of ideas, the essay should extend each point by providing additional explanation or evidence. This could involve elaborating on the ways in which experience and social networks benefit companies, such as by providing specific examples or citing relevant studies. Similarly, when discussing drawbacks, the essay should provide evidence to support claims about health risks and limited personal time. By extending and supporting ideas, the essay will be more persuasive and convincing to the reader.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay mostly stays on topic by addressing the issue of whether older individuals should continue working. However, there are some instances where the discussion could be more focused. For example, the essay briefly mentions that some people believe older individuals should continue working due to their experience and social networks, but it does not fully explore these points in relation to the topic. Similarly, when discussing drawbacks, the essay mentions health risks and limited personal time but does not fully explore how these factors relate to the topic of older individuals continuing to work.
  • How to improve: To stay more focused on the topic, the essay should ensure that all points raised are directly relevant to the issue of whether older individuals should continue working. This can be achieved by providing more detailed analysis of how factors like experience, social networks, health risks, and personal time relate to the overall argument. By staying closely aligned with the topic, the essay will be more coherent and effective in addressing the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 3

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 3

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays an attempt at organizing information logically, albeit with some shortcomings. The introduction sets up the topic but lacks clarity and conciseness. The body paragraphs attempt to present arguments for both sides, but the transitions between ideas are abrupt, leading to a disjointed flow. For instance, the sudden shift from discussing the advantages of older individuals continuing to work to the disadvantages lacks smooth transition, making it difficult for the reader to follow the progression of ideas.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, focus on structuring the essay more coherently. Begin with a clear and concise introduction that outlines the main arguments to be discussed. Each body paragraph should address a single point, with clear topic sentences and supporting details. Utilize transition words and phrases to smoothly connect ideas between paragraphs and within sentences, ensuring a seamless flow of thought throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use paragraphs, but their effectiveness is compromised by issues of structure and coherence. Each paragraph seems to address a different aspect of the topic, but the lack of clear topic sentences and logical progression makes it challenging for the reader to discern the main ideas. Additionally, the paragraphs are uneven in length, with some being overly long, leading to a lack of balance in the presentation of ideas.
  • How to improve: Improve paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea supported by relevant evidence. Begin each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that previews the content to follow. Aim for a balanced presentation by maintaining consistency in paragraph length and ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs. Consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller, more manageable chunks to improve readability and clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use cohesive devices to connect ideas, but the variety and effectiveness are limited. Basic cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this," "there"), conjunctions ("firstly," "besides"), and transitional phrases ("on the one hand," "on the other hand") are employed, but their usage lacks sophistication and variety. Additionally, there is a lack of consistency in their application, leading to a disjointed flow of ideas.
  • How to improve: Broaden the range of cohesive devices used to include a variety of conjunctions, transitional phrases, and discourse markers. Experiment with advanced cohesive devices such as parallel structure, repetition for emphasis, and rhetorical questions to add depth and complexity to the essay. Ensure consistency in the use of cohesive devices throughout the essay to maintain coherence and cohesion. Practice integrating these devices seamlessly into the text to enhance the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "well-documented," "controversial," "enormous," "abstacles," "horizon," "foster," and "exacerbate." However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more varied and precise.
  • How to improve: To enhance the lexical resource, consider integrating more diverse vocabulary relevant to the topic. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "old age," explore synonyms like "senior citizens," "elderly individuals," or "aging population" to avoid repetition and add nuance to the discussion. Additionally, employ domain-specific vocabulary related to retirement, employment, and aging to enrich the essay further.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay occasionally employs imprecise vocabulary or phrasing that may slightly detract from clarity and precision. For instance, phrases like "some people who strongly belive that they agree with it issue" could be refined for clarity and coherence.
  • How to improve: Strive for precision in vocabulary usage to enhance clarity and coherence. Instead of convoluted phrases, opt for concise and precise expressions. Review the essay to identify areas where vocabulary could be more specific and accurate in conveying intended meanings. Additionally, consider revising sentences for clarity and coherence, ensuring that each word contributes effectively to the overall message.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a mixed level of spelling accuracy. While many words are spelled correctly, there are notable instances of misspelled words, such as "abstacles" (obstacles), "yo" (to), and "continous" (continuous). These errors slightly detract from the overall presentation.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, employ systematic proofreading techniques and utilize spelling check tools to identify and correct errors. Additionally, consider expanding vocabulary through reading and practicing spelling in context to enhance overall proficiency. Consistent attention to spelling accuracy will contribute to a polished and professional presentation of ideas.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:

• Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, which supports a Band 6 score. The writer uses both simple and compound sentences, and attempts to integrate complex grammatical forms, such as conditional structures and relative clauses. For example, the sentence "A clear example being found to prove is that the senior can gain deeper into their company, they did encounter and overcome a lot of obstacles, so they have the best choice of solutions for their company" attempts to use complex sentence structure. However, the effectiveness of these structures is sometimes compromised by awkward phrasing and grammatical inconsistencies.
• How to improve: To improve, the writer should focus on refining the use of complex sentence structures to ensure clarity and correctness. Practicing sentence transformations that vary structure without altering meaning can be beneficial. Additionally, incorporating structures such as passive forms, modal verbs for speculation, and conditionals could diversify the grammatical range further. For instance, restructuring the sentence to "It is commonly believed that those of old age possess vast experience in problem-solving" could enhance clarity and grammatical range.

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

• Detailed explanation: The essay shows a mix of accurately used and inaccurately used grammatical forms, which is typical for a Band 6. Errors such as verb tense inconsistencies ("is found to prove"), subject-verb agreement mistakes ("the old age continue working"), and misuse of articles ("the old age have enormous experience") are noticeable. The punctuation is generally correct but lacks complexity, primarily using basic commas and periods.
• How to improve: Focusing on fundamental grammar rules would be crucial for improvement. Regularly reviewing and practicing subject-verb agreement, correct verb tense usage, and proper article application will aid in reducing errors. Additionally, the writer should practice incorporating more varied punctuation (such as colons, semi-colons, and dashes) to effectively separate ideas and add clarity to the text. For example, correcting "It is commonly believed that the old age have enormous experience to solve problems" to "It is commonly believed that older people have enormous experience in solving problems" not only corrects grammatical errors but also enhances clarity.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is widely acknowledged that there is an increasing focus globally on the concept of elderly individuals continuing to work if they are able to do so. Some individuals strongly believe in supporting this notion, while others oppose it. Therefore, this remains a contentious issue, with both perspectives warranting consideration in today’s society.

On one hand, there are proponents who argue in favor of elderly individuals continuing to work based on their capabilities. Firstly and foremost, it is commonly understood that older individuals possess vast experience, which enables them to adeptly tackle challenges. A compelling example of this is evident in their ability to delve deep into their work environment, having encountered and overcome numerous obstacles throughout their careers. Consequently, they are well-equipped to offer optimal solutions for their organizations. Equally important, it is undeniable that older individuals broaden their horizons and expand their social networks over time, thereby relying on their relationships to contribute to the development of their organizations. For instance, collaboration with other companies or individuals can foster a sense of belonging and purpose.

On the contrary, there are two primary points that detractors use to support their opposing viewpoint. Firstly, it is undeniable that elderly individuals cannot entirely avoid health risks associated with continued work. This is supported by evidence indicating that certain job demands can exacerbate existing health issues, consequently diminishing one’s quality of life. Moreover, stressful or physically demanding roles may pose significant risks to their well-being. Additionally, it is evident that continuing to work may encroach upon personal life, reducing the time available for leisure activities, family engagement, and hobbies. An illustrative example of this is the potential decrease in leisure time, family interactions, and pursuit of personal interests if elderly individuals opt to continue working.