It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?
It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age if it is possible for them to do so.
Do you agree or disagree?
The debate surrounding whether those to go on working beyond elderly age or not has garnered considerable attention in recent years, prompting a myriad of perspectives on its impact. Personally, I believe it is imperative to examine the arguments both for and against.
Initially, it is paramount that once the old join the workforce it will bring up several advantages, such as it contributes to their overall health and allows them to make impact to the society as a whole. Regarding the former, when the old go on working in their old age, it assists the adults to maintain their mental sharpness and physical health. In detail, engaging in work labor requires both involvement in cooperation with other co-workers= colleagues as well as interaction that can combat solitude and depression, leading to longer longevity and happiness. For the latter, by being an old hand at working, older workers might bring significant values through mentorship and experience sharing. As a result, they can contribute remarkably to the economy growth, pay taxes and support local services.
On the contrary, it is essential to consider the drawbacks as it underscores the multifaceted nature of the debate, which is that this phenomenon could lessen the career opportunities for the young and exacerbate the discrimination in the working environment. Firstly, the aging workforce might potentially alleviate the rate of entering the market for youth generations, subsequently affecting innovation and industrialization. For example, if the elderly take up the major amount in one company, there would be less available slots for the incoming applicants, therefore negatively affecting their career development. In addition, the discrimination that older persons may experience may force them into less fulfilling, lower-paying, or less meaningful work, which can be detrimental to their wellbeing and morale.
To conclude, while the idea that the old people should continue working even after their retirement age offers certain advantages, it seems to me that it is still evident to not overlook the detrimental down points it may impact in the long run.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"those to go on working" -> "individuals who continue working"
Explanation: "Individuals who continue working" is more formal and precise, avoiding the awkward and informal construction "those to go on working." -
"elderly age" -> "advanced age"
Explanation: "Advanced age" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "elderly age," which is somewhat colloquial. -
"it is imperative to examine" -> "it is essential to analyze"
Explanation: "Analyze" is more specific and academically suitable than "examine" in this context, implying a deeper level of scrutiny. -
"once the old join the workforce" -> "when older individuals enter the workforce"
Explanation: "Older individuals" is more respectful and less colloquial than "the old," and "enter the workforce" is a more formal expression than "join the workforce." -
"it contributes to their overall health and allows them to make impact to the society as a whole" -> "it contributes to their overall health and enables them to positively impact society"
Explanation: "Enables them to positively impact society" is more precise and formal, avoiding the awkward and incorrect "make impact to the society as a whole." -
"engaging in work labor" -> "engaging in labor"
Explanation: "Labor" is sufficient without "work," and "engaging in labor" is a more natural and formal expression. -
"cooperation with other co-workers= colleagues" -> "collaboration with colleagues"
Explanation: "Collaboration" is a more precise term than "cooperation," and removing the equals sign after "co-workers" corrects the typographical error. -
"it underscores the multifaceted nature of the debate" -> "it highlights the complex nature of the debate"
Explanation: "Highlights" is more precise and formal than "underscores," and "complex" is more appropriate than "multifaceted" in this context. -
"this phenomenon could lessen the career opportunities for the young" -> "this trend may reduce career opportunities for younger individuals"
Explanation: "Trend" is more specific than "phenomenon," and "younger individuals" is more formal and inclusive than "the young." -
"the aging workforce might potentially alleviate the rate of entering the market" -> "an aging workforce may potentially reduce the rate of entry into the job market"
Explanation: "Reduce the rate of entry into the job market" is more specific and formal than "alleviate the rate of entering the market." -
"there would be less available slots" -> "there would be fewer available positions"
Explanation: "Fewer available positions" is more formal and precise than "less available slots." -
"the detrimental down points" -> "the detrimental drawbacks"
Explanation: "Drawbacks" is the correct term, replacing the incorrect and informal "down points."
These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of older individuals continuing to work. The introduction sets the stage for a balanced examination of the topic, which is commendable. However, the essay could benefit from a clearer stance on whether the author agrees or disagrees with the notion of older people working. While the conclusion hints at a cautious perspective, it lacks a definitive position that aligns with the essay prompt.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it clearly in the conclusion. This could involve using phrases like "I strongly agree" or "I firmly disagree" to guide the reader’s understanding of the author’s viewpoint.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position but lacks consistency. The introduction suggests a balanced view, yet the conclusion implies ambivalence. This inconsistency can confuse readers regarding the author’s true stance. For instance, the phrase "it seems to me that it is still evident to not overlook the detrimental down points" is vague and does not strongly convey agreement or disagreement.
- How to improve: The author should maintain a clear position throughout the essay by consistently using language that reflects their viewpoint. They could also include transitional phrases that reinforce their stance, such as "In support of my view" or "Despite the benefits, I believe…"
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the benefits of mental health and the potential drawbacks of job competition for younger generations. However, some points could be better developed. For example, while the essay mentions that older workers can contribute to economic growth, it does not provide specific data or examples to substantiate this claim. Similarly, the discussion on discrimination lacks depth and could benefit from further elaboration.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. This could involve citing studies or statistics that illustrate the benefits of older workers or the impact of their presence on younger job seekers. Additionally, expanding on each point with more thorough explanations will enhance the overall argument.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the implications of older individuals working. However, some sentences are slightly off-topic or could be more focused. For instance, the mention of "discrimination that older persons may experience" could be more directly tied to the central argument about whether older people should work, rather than being a standalone point.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether older people should continue working. This can be achieved by linking each argument back to the prompt explicitly, ensuring that all ideas contribute to the overall thesis.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, it requires more clarity in position, deeper development of ideas, and tighter focus on the prompt to achieve a higher band score.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized into two main sections: the advantages of older individuals continuing to work and the counterarguments regarding the disadvantages. This logical organization helps the reader follow the writer’s reasoning. However, the transition between the advantages and disadvantages could be smoother to enhance the overall flow of the essay. For example, the phrase "On the contrary" is somewhat abrupt and could benefit from a more gradual transition.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that signal a shift in perspective more clearly, such as "Conversely" or "While there are benefits, it is also important to consider the drawbacks." Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of older individuals working, while the second addresses the drawbacks. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth. The first paragraph is more detailed than the second, which may lead to an imbalance in the presentation of arguments.
- How to improve: Aim for a more balanced approach by expanding on the second body paragraph. This could involve providing additional examples or elaborating on the points made about the negative impacts on younger workers and the discrimination faced by older employees. Each paragraph should ideally contain a similar amount of information to maintain coherence.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "On the contrary," and "To conclude." These devices help to connect ideas and guide the reader through the argument. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used repetitively, which can detract from the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases, such as "Moreover," "Furthermore," "In addition," and "Nevertheless." This will not only enhance the flow of the essay but also demonstrate a greater command of language. Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately to avoid any confusion in the argument’s progression.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion, but there are opportunities for improvement in the areas of logical organization, paragraph balance, and the variety of cohesive devices used. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the clarity and effectiveness of their argument.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with phrases such as "garnered considerable attention," "imperative to examine," and "multifaceted nature of the debate." These expressions reflect a good command of language and an ability to convey complex ideas. However, there are instances where vocabulary choices could be more varied. For example, the repeated use of "old" and "elderly" could be replaced with synonyms like "senior citizens" or "aged individuals" to enhance lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should actively seek synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. Utilizing a thesaurus can help identify alternative words that fit the context. Additionally, incorporating more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "gerontology" or "ageism," could elevate the essay’s lexical sophistication.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "make impact to the society" should be "make an impact on society." The term "old hand" is also somewhat informal and may not fit the academic tone expected in an IELTS essay. Furthermore, the phrase "the discrimination that older persons may experience" could be more accurately expressed as "age discrimination."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on collocations and common phrases in academic writing. Reading more academic texts can help familiarize the writer with appropriate expressions. Additionally, reviewing the essay for phrases that could be more accurately stated will help improve clarity and precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a generally good level of spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors. Notably, the use of "wellbeing" should be "well-being," and "longevity" is correctly spelled but could be misinterpreted in context. The phrase "the major amount in one company" should be "the majority in one company," which is a grammatical issue rather than a spelling one.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as writing exercises that focus on commonly misspelled words. Utilizing spell-check tools and proofreading the essay before submission can help catch errors. Additionally, creating a list of commonly confused words and their correct forms can serve as a useful reference.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary with some strengths, there are areas for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and a mix of simple and compound sentences. For instance, phrases like "it is paramount that once the old join the workforce it will bring up several advantages" and "by being an old hand at working, older workers might bring significant values through mentorship and experience sharing" showcase an ability to construct complex ideas effectively. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the use of "it is essential to consider" and "it seems to me that it is still evident" reflects a somewhat repetitive structure.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly starting sentences with "it is," try beginning with participial phrases or adverbial clauses, such as "Considering the benefits," or "While some argue that…" This will enhance the overall flow and complexity of the writing.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical and punctuation errors that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "it contributes to their overall health and allows them to make impact to the society as a whole" should read "make an impact on society as a whole." Additionally, the use of "co-workers= colleagues" indicates a lack of clarity and proper punctuation; the equals sign is inappropriate in formal writing. Other issues include the phrase "the economy growth," which should be "economic growth," and inconsistent use of articles, such as "the old" instead of "older individuals."
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread the essay for common errors, particularly in article usage and prepositions. Additionally, practicing sentence restructuring and ensuring that each sentence is complete and clear will help. Consider using grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers to identify and correct mistakes before finalizing the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and improving grammatical precision will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
The debate surrounding whether individuals should continue working beyond advanced age has garnered considerable attention in recent years, prompting a myriad of perspectives on its impact. Personally, I believe it is essential to analyze the arguments both for and against.
Initially, it is paramount that when older individuals enter the workforce, it brings several advantages, such as contributing to their overall health and allowing them to make a positive impact on society as a whole. Regarding the former, when older individuals continue working, it assists them in maintaining their mental sharpness and physical health. In detail, engaging in labor requires both collaboration with colleagues and interaction that can combat solitude and depression, leading to longer longevity and happiness. For the latter, by being experienced in their roles, older workers might bring significant value through mentorship and experience sharing. As a result, they can contribute remarkably to economic growth, pay taxes, and support local services.
On the contrary, it is essential to consider the detrimental drawbacks, as it highlights the complex nature of the debate. This phenomenon could lessen career opportunities for younger individuals and exacerbate discrimination in the working environment. Firstly, an aging workforce may potentially reduce the rate of entry into the job market for younger generations, subsequently affecting innovation and industrialization. For example, if older individuals occupy the majority of positions in one company, there would be fewer available positions for incoming applicants, negatively affecting their career development. In addition, the discrimination that older persons may experience could force them into less fulfilling, lower-paying, or less meaningful work, which can be detrimental to their well-being and morale.
To conclude, while the idea that older individuals should continue working even after their retirement age offers certain advantages, it seems to me that it is still evident not to overlook the detrimental drawbacks it may have in the long run.