It is a natural process of animal species to become extinct (e.g. dinosaurs, dodos, etc.). There is no reason why people should stop this from happening. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that the extinction of some rare animals takes place naturally, and that humans do not have the responsibility to prevent this from happening. From my standpoint, I totally disagree with these views and I suppose people should join hand to save these animals from extinction.
To begin with, humans shoud be held accountable for the extinction of animal species. In fact, there were some animals that suffered from the harsh weather in the past and could not survive themselves such as dinosaurs. However, it is not necessarily true that humans may not be involved in the process in which other animals died out. For example, the practice of cutting down trees in the forests and clearing lands, along with industrialization and environmental pollution in Vietnam for cultivation has made some species lose their living habitat. Moreover, some people try to illegally hunt down rare animals for their horns and skins while others earn profits upon selling these luxurious commodities. Consequently, all of these activities put endangered species in the world on the brink of extinction. With ample evidence presented, it is
Therefore, people shoud take various measures to preverse those animals that are on the verge of extinction. First, strict regulations relating to industrial activities should be announced to force factories to conform to environmentally-friendly code of business conduct. Another attemps to enforce these regulations is to prevent people from hunting illegally. People who are deliberately destroying the life of animal species or threatening their habitat should be fined heavily. By doing this, people are more likely to obey the rules to protect not only the animals but also their natural habitat. Second, endangered species can be well preserved if humans use technogogical prowess to protect the whole ecosystem in which these animals live. In the near future, people are expected to reduce the effect of global warming and change the world into the bright side so that the Earth’s biodiversity could not collapse.
In conclusion, the disappearance of some animals in world can be blamed for human wrongdoings rather than the natural settings, for they make the situation even worse than ever, and I am convinced that human actions can make a significant contribution to help conserve these animals.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some people argue" -> "Some individuals contend"
Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal and precise term than "argue," which is often used in academic writing to denote a more structured and evidence-based argumentation.
"I totally disagree" -> "I strongly disagree"
Explanation: "Totally" is somewhat informal and vague; "strongly" is more precise and appropriate for academic writing, conveying a firm but measured disagreement.
"I suppose people should join hand" -> "I believe it is essential for individuals to collaborate"
Explanation: "Join hand" is incorrect and informal; "collaborate" is the correct term and is more formal. Additionally, "I believe it is essential" is a clearer and more academic expression than "I suppose people should."
"humans shoud" -> "humans should"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error for grammatical accuracy.
"could not survive themselves" -> "could not survive"
Explanation: The phrase "themselves" is redundant in this context and disrupts the flow of the sentence. Removing it improves clarity and formality.
"it is not necessarily true" -> "it is not necessarily the case"
Explanation: "It is not necessarily true" is a bit informal and vague; "it is not necessarily the case" is more formal and precise, fitting better in an academic context.
"the practice of cutting down trees" -> "the practice of deforestation"
Explanation: "Deforestation" is a more specific and technical term that is commonly used in academic discussions about environmental issues, enhancing the formality and precision of the language.
"clearing lands" -> "clearing land"
Explanation: "Clearing lands" is grammatically incorrect; "clearing land" is the correct form, which is also more concise and formal.
"earn profits upon selling" -> "derive profits from selling"
Explanation: "Earn profits upon selling" is awkward and less formal; "derive profits from selling" is more natural and academically appropriate.
"put endangered species in the world on the brink of extinction" -> "place endangered species worldwide on the brink of extinction"
Explanation: "In the world" is redundant; "worldwide" is more concise and appropriate for formal writing. Also, "put" is less formal than "place," which is preferred in academic contexts.
"people shoud take" -> "people should take"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error for grammatical accuracy.
"to preverse" -> "to preserve"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error for grammatical accuracy.
"Another attemps" -> "Another attempt"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error for grammatical accuracy.
"technogogical" -> "technological"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error for grammatical accuracy.
"the bright side" -> "a positive outcome"
Explanation: "The bright side" is an idiom that is too informal for academic writing; "a positive outcome" is more precise and formal.
"the Earth’s biodiversity could not collapse" -> "Earth’s biodiversity cannot collapse"
Explanation: "Could not collapse" is less definitive and less formal; "cannot collapse" is more assertive and appropriate for academic writing.
"the disappearance of some animals in world" -> "the disappearance of certain animals worldwide"
Explanation: "In world" is grammatically incorrect and awkward; "worldwide" is the correct adverbial form, and "certain" is more precise than "some" in this context.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a disagreement with the notion that humans should not intervene in the extinction of species. The introduction presents a clear position, and the body paragraphs provide reasons and examples to support this stance. The argument that human activities contribute significantly to extinction is well-articulated, particularly with references to habitat destruction and illegal hunting. However, the essay could have explicitly acknowledged the natural aspect of extinction to provide a more balanced view.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could briefly discuss the natural process of extinction and then transition into how human actions exacerbate this issue. This would demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the topic and strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea that humans should not intervene in extinction. The writer consistently argues for human responsibility in protecting endangered species, which is evident in both the body paragraphs and the conclusion. However, the phrase "I suppose people should join hand to save these animals" could be more assertively stated to reinforce the position.
- How to improve: Strengthening the opening statement by using more definitive language, such as "I firmly believe that people must take action to save these animals," would enhance the clarity of the position. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph consistently ties back to this central argument would further solidify the essay’s stance.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several well-developed ideas, such as the impact of industrialization and illegal hunting on animal extinction. The examples provided are relevant and effectively illustrate the points made. However, some ideas, such as the mention of technological prowess, could benefit from further elaboration to clarify how technology can specifically aid in conservation efforts.
- How to improve: To improve the depth of the argument, the writer should expand on the idea of using technology for conservation. For instance, discussing specific technologies or methods, such as wildlife tracking or habitat restoration techniques, would provide a clearer picture of how these solutions could be implemented.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on human responsibility in preventing extinction. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the mention of "the bright side" and "Earth’s biodiversity could not collapse" feels somewhat vague and less directly related to the core argument.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all statements directly support the main argument. Avoiding vague phrases and instead providing concrete examples or clearer explanations would help keep the discussion relevant and impactful.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-reasoned argument. With some adjustments to enhance clarity, depth, and focus, it could achieve an even higher score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that humans should not intervene in the extinction of species. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs follow a logical progression. The first body paragraph discusses human accountability for extinction, while the second outlines measures to protect endangered species. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing human accountability to proposed measures feels abrupt, as there is a lack of a clear linking sentence that connects these two points.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases at the beginning of paragraphs or between key points. For example, after discussing the causes of extinction, a sentence like "Given these factors, it is imperative that we take action to prevent further losses" could serve as a bridge to the next paragraph.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction sets the stage, the first body paragraph discusses the causes of extinction, and the second body paragraph suggests solutions. However, the conclusion could be more robust, as it merely reiterates the main argument without summarizing the key points discussed in the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: Strengthen the conclusion by briefly summarizing the main arguments made in the essay. For instance, you could mention the human impact on extinction and the proposed measures to combat this issue, thereby reinforcing the essay’s overall message and providing a more satisfying closure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "to begin with," "moreover," and "in conclusion," which help guide the reader through the argument. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For example, the phrase "for example" is used, but additional devices such as "in addition," "furthermore," or "on the other hand" could enhance the richness of the text.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases that serve similar functions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "for example," you could use "for instance" or "to illustrate." Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used not just at the beginning of sentences but also within sentences to create smoother connections between ideas.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By focusing on improving transitions, enhancing the conclusion, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can elevate the coherence and cohesion of their writing further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "extinction," "accountable," "industrialization," and "endangered species" being used appropriately. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated. For example, phrases like "cutting down trees" and "clearing lands" could be replaced with more advanced synonyms such as "deforestation" and "land clearing," which would enhance the lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and more complex phrases. Reading academic articles or essays on environmental topics can help expose the writer to a broader vocabulary. Additionally, practicing paraphrasing sentences can aid in developing a more versatile vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, there are moments of imprecision. For instance, the phrase "humans may not be involved in the process in which other animals died out" could be misleading, as it suggests uncertainty about human involvement when the argument is that humans are indeed responsible. Furthermore, "technogogical prowess" appears to be a typographical error for "technological prowess," which detracts from the clarity of the message.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that the vocabulary used accurately reflects the intended meaning. This can be achieved by revising sentences for clarity and checking for any typographical errors. Utilizing a thesaurus can also help find the most appropriate word choices that convey the intended message more clearly.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "shoud" instead of "should," "preverse" instead of "preserve," and "technogogical" instead of "technological." These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully before submission. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that may be overlooked during silent reading. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and quizzes can reinforce correct spelling habits.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on expanding vocabulary, ensuring precise word usage, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "In fact, there were some animals that suffered from the harsh weather in the past and could not survive themselves such as dinosaurs" showcases the writer’s ability to convey detailed information. However, there are instances where the sentence structures could be more varied. For example, the phrase "humans should be held accountable for the extinction of animal species" could be rephrased using a different structure to enhance variety.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more conditional sentences (e.g., "If humans continue to destroy habitats, more species will become extinct") or use passive voice where appropriate (e.g., "Endangered species are being threatened by habitat destruction"). Additionally, varying the placement of clauses can create more dynamic sentence structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity and professionalism. For instance, "shoud" should be corrected to "should," and "preverse" should be "preserve." The phrase "people should join hand to save these animals" is grammatically incorrect; it should be "join hands." Furthermore, punctuation errors, such as the lack of a period at the end of "With ample evidence presented, it is," disrupt the flow of the essay.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully to catch typos and spelling errors. It may also be beneficial to practice common grammatical structures and rules, such as subject-verb agreement and verb tenses. Additionally, using punctuation correctly—such as ensuring that all sentences are complete and properly punctuated—will enhance the readability of the essay. Engaging in exercises that focus on these areas can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, focusing on the diversification of sentence structures and improving grammatical accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

To begin with, humans should be held accountable for the extinction of animal species. In fact, there were some animals that suffered from harsh weather in the past and could not survive, such as dinosaurs. However, it is not necessarily the case that humans may not be involved in the process by which other animals died out. For example, the practice of deforestation and clearing land, along with industrialization and environmental pollution in Vietnam for cultivation, has caused some species to lose their living habitat. Moreover, some people try to illegally hunt down rare animals for their horns and skins, while others derive profits from selling these luxurious commodities. Consequently, all of these activities place endangered species worldwide on the brink of extinction. With ample evidence presented, it is clear that action is needed.

Therefore, people should take various measures to preserve those animals that are on the verge of extinction. First, strict regulations relating to industrial activities should be announced to force factories to conform to an environmentally-friendly code of business conduct. Another attempt to enforce these regulations is to prevent people from hunting illegally. People who are deliberately destroying the lives of animal species or threatening their habitats should be fined heavily. By doing this, people are more likely to obey the rules to protect not only the animals but also their natural habitat. Second, endangered species can be well preserved if humans use technological prowess to protect the whole ecosystem in which these animals live. In the near future, people are expected to reduce the effects of global warming and change the world for the better so that Earth’s biodiversity cannot collapse.

In conclusion, the disappearance of some animals in the world can be blamed on human wrongdoings rather than natural settings, for they make the situation even worse than ever. I am convinced that human actions can make a significant contribution to help conserve these animals.