It is difficult for people in the cities get exercise enough. What are the causes? And what can be done to make people do exercise more ?

It is difficult for people in the cities get exercise enough.
What are the causes? And what can be done to make people do exercise more ?

It is true that there are many people on the cities cannot get enough physical exercise. This can stem from various causes, which require possible solutions to be adopted.

There are some reasons why residents do not do exercise regularly. Perhap one of these is that overloading job market. Employees find their job which is suitable for them so the need in job increase rapidly. This can lead to the fact that workers spend more time on finishing their deadlines or assignments in order to compete with others as well as maintain their positions. For example, some staffs in the company work at office about 12 hours a day in light of meeting the dealine paintakingly, so they have not enough time to work out. Another explaination is that the development of intelligence technologies. There are a lot of technology devices which offer diverse functions and apps. It is convenience to use it for searching or playing online. Thus, people can be addicted to surfing the internet or playing game. This can result in they pay too much attention to other online activites instead of doing exercise. 

Despite this, various actions can be taken to mitigate the situation. The first possible measure is that the company can build and open some exercise places for their workers such as : gym or aerobic rooms. This can encourage employees do exercise in their free time at offices. Consequently, this not only allows people to train their muscles but also enhance their mental health, helps them have more power energy to working effieciently as well. The second approach is that local authorities can organise some campaigns to raise awareness of exercising or organise an exercise competition for local. Additionally, local leaders can give some meaning gifts for person who works out on daily basis to intrigue them take part in these activites. This can lead to the fact that reducing the laziness excercise rate in people and break their bad habits gradually. 

In conclusion, although the lack of fitness among urbanities can stem from several causes, steps can be taken to tackle the issue.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is true that there are many people on the cities cannot get enough physical exercise." -> "It is true that many urban residents do not receive sufficient physical exercise."
   Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammatical structure and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.

2. "Perhap one of these is that overloading job market." -> "Perhaps one of these reasons is the overloading of the job market."
   Explanation: "Perhap" is a spelling error and should be "Perhaps". Additionally, "overloading job market" is a vague and incorrect phrase; "the overloading of the job market" is more precise and grammatically correct.

3. "Employees find their job which is suitable for them so the need in job increase rapidly." -> "Employees find jobs that suit them, leading to an increased demand for employment."
   Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language.

4. "This can lead to the fact that workers spend more time on finishing their deadlines or assignments in order to compete with others as well as maintain their positions." -> "This can lead to workers spending more time completing deadlines and assignments to compete with others and maintain their positions."
   Explanation: The original sentence is verbose and awkward. The revision simplifies and clarifies the sentence structure while maintaining formality.

5. "some staffs in the company work at office about 12 hours a day in light of meeting the dealine paintakingly" -> "some staff members in the company work in the office for approximately 12 hours a day to meet deadlines meticulously"
   Explanation: "staffs" is a plural form error; "staff members" is correct. "dealine" is a spelling error; "deadlines" is correct. "paintakingly" is not a word; "meticulously" is the correct term.

6. "Another explaination is that the development of intelligence technologies." -> "Another explanation is the development of intelligent technologies."
   Explanation: "explaination" is a spelling error; "explanation" is correct. "intelligence technologies" is awkward; "intelligent technologies" is more natural and precise.

7. "It is convenience to use it for searching or playing online." -> "It is convenient to use it for searching or playing online."
   Explanation: "It is convenience" is grammatically incorrect; "It is convenient" is the correct form.

8. "This can result in they pay too much attention to other online activites instead of doing exercise." -> "This can result in their paying too much attention to other online activities instead of exercising."
   Explanation: "they pay" is grammatically incorrect; "their paying" is the correct form. "activites" is a spelling error; "activities" is correct.

9. "The first possible measure is that the company can build and open some exercise places for their workers such as : gym or aerobic rooms." -> "The first possible measure is for the company to establish and open exercise facilities such as gyms or aerobic rooms for its employees."
   Explanation: The original sentence is awkward and lacks clarity. The revision clarifies the meaning and uses more formal language.

10. "This can encourage employees do exercise in their free time at offices." -> "This can encourage employees to exercise during their free time at the office."
    Explanation: "do exercise" is grammatically incorrect; "to exercise" is the correct infinitive form. "at offices" is vague; "at the office" specifies the location.

11. "helps them have more power energy to working effieciently as well." -> "helps them have more energy to work efficiently as well."
    Explanation: "power energy" is redundant; "energy" alone is sufficient. "working effieciently" is a spelling error; "work efficiently" is correct.

12. "meaning gifts for person who works out on daily basis to intrigue them take part in these activites." -> "meaningful gifts for individuals who exercise daily to encourage them to participate in these activities."
    Explanation: "meaning gifts" is awkward and unclear; "meaningful gifts" is correct. "person who works out on daily basis" is awkward; "individuals who exercise daily" is more formal and clear. "inquire them take part" is grammatically incorrect; "encourage them to participate" is correct. "activites" is a spelling error; "activities" is correct.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt, identifying causes for the lack of exercise in urban areas and suggesting potential solutions. The causes discussed include the demanding job market and the influence of technology, while solutions involve workplace facilities and community awareness campaigns. However, the response could benefit from a more thorough exploration of the causes and a wider range of solutions.
  • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should consider providing more detailed explanations for each cause and solution. For example, elaborating on how specific job roles contribute to the lack of exercise or discussing additional solutions such as public infrastructure improvements (e.g., parks, walking paths) could provide a more comprehensive answer.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the lack of exercise in cities is a significant issue and that it can be addressed. However, the transitions between ideas could be smoother, and some sentences lack clarity, which may confuse the reader about the writer’s stance.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should use clearer topic sentences for each paragraph and ensure that each point logically follows from the previous one. Additionally, employing linking words and phrases (e.g., "Furthermore," "In addition," "On the other hand") can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, but they are not always well-supported with evidence or examples. For instance, while the mention of long working hours is relevant, the explanation lacks depth. Similarly, the suggestion of building exercise facilities is good, but it could be strengthened by discussing how this has worked in other contexts or providing statistics about employee health improvements.
  • How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more substantial support for each idea. This could include statistical data, real-world examples, or expert opinions that reinforce the points made. Expanding on the implications of each solution would also help in demonstrating their potential effectiveness.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the issues of exercise in urban environments. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly in the second paragraph where the explanation of technology’s impact could be more tightly linked to the overall argument about exercise.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of exercise in cities. This can be achieved by regularly referencing the prompt and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to answering the question. Additionally, avoiding unnecessary tangents or overly broad statements would help keep the essay on track.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents relevant ideas, there is room for improvement in depth, clarity, and support for the arguments made.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing causes to solutions is somewhat abrupt. The first body paragraph outlines two causes but does not clearly connect them to the solutions proposed in the second paragraph.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link causes to solutions. For example, after discussing the causes, a sentence like "To address these issues, several measures can be implemented" would create a smoother transition. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph clearly relates back to the main question can help maintain focus.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with distinct sections for causes and solutions. However, the internal structure of the paragraphs could be refined. For instance, the first body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could benefit from clearer topic sentences and supporting details. The second body paragraph also introduces several ideas without clear separation, which can confuse the reader.
  • How to improve: Each paragraph should start with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could begin with "One significant reason for the lack of exercise among city residents is the demanding job market." This would help the reader understand the focus of the paragraph immediately. Additionally, consider breaking down complex ideas into separate sentences or even separate paragraphs to enhance clarity.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "for example" and "despite this," which help in linking ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and some phrases are used incorrectly or awkwardly, such as "the fact that" and "this can lead to the fact that." These phrases can make the writing feel repetitive and less fluid.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "this can lead to," consideralternatives like "as a result," "therefore," or "consequently." Additionally, using pronouns effectively can help maintain cohesion without redundancy. For instance, instead of repeating "people," you could use "they" in subsequent sentences to refer back to the same subject.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents relevant ideas, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a higher band score in Coherence and Cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some effective expressions such as "overloading job market," "intelligence technologies," and "raise awareness of exercising." However, the vocabulary is somewhat limited and repetitive, particularly in phrases like "do exercise" and "work out," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. Additionally, terms like "urbanities" are less common and may not be the best choice for clarity.
  • How to improve: To improve lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "do exercise," alternatives like "engage in physical activity," "participate in workouts," or "maintain fitness" could be used. Expanding vocabulary through reading and practice can help achieve this.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "overloading job market," which is not a standard expression and may confuse readers. Phrases like "the need in job increase rapidly" are awkward and unclear. Additionally, "meaning gifts" is vague and could be better articulated as "meaningful rewards" or "incentives."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using more established phrases and ensuring that word choices convey the intended meaning clearly. Reviewing common collocations and idiomatic expressions in English can aid in this process. For example, replacing "the fact that workers spend more time on finishing their deadlines" with "the reality that workers often prioritize meeting deadlines" would improve clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Perhap" (should be "Perhaps"), "paintakingly" (should be "painstakingly"), "explaination" (should be "explanation"), "effieciently" (should be "efficiently"), and "intrigue" (should be "intrigue"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can hinder comprehension.
  • How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should implement a proofreading strategy, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and quizzes can reinforce correct spelling habits. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can also be beneficial.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary use, there are clear areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling that could elevate the lexical resource score. Engaging with diverse reading materials and practicing writing with a focus on these areas will help the writer enhance their lexical capabilities.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple sentences ("This can stem from various causes") and compound sentences ("This can lead to the fact that workers spend more time on finishing their deadlines or assignments in order to compete with others"). However, the range is limited, and many sentences are either overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed. For example, phrases like "the development of intelligence technologies" and "the company can build and open some exercise places" lack complexity and could be enhanced with more varied structures, such as using relative clauses or conditional sentences.
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating complex sentences, such as using subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although many people are busy with work, they should still find time to exercise"). Additionally, varying the sentence beginnings and using different conjunctions (e.g., "Moreover," "In contrast," "Consequently") can help create a more engaging flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, "there are many people on the cities" should be corrected to "there are many people in the cities." The phrase "overloading job market" is awkward and should be "overloaded job market." Furthermore, punctuation errors include the misuse of commas and colons, such as in "such as : gym or aerobic rooms," where the colon is unnecessary. Additionally, phrases like "the fact that reducing the laziness excercise rate in people" are grammatically incorrect and convoluted.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review basic grammar rules, focusing on subject-verb agreement and proper article usage. Practicing punctuation rules, especially the correct use of commas and colons, will also be beneficial. Reading more academic essays can help the writer become familiar with correct grammatical structures and punctuation usage. Furthermore, proofreading the essay for common errors before submission can significantly improve overall accuracy.

In summary, while the essay presents some relevant ideas and attempts to address the prompt, it requires significant improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is true that there are many people in cities who cannot get enough physical exercise. This can stem from various causes, which require possible solutions to be adopted.

There are several reasons why residents do not exercise regularly. Perhaps one of these is the overloading of the job market. Employees find jobs that suit them, leading to an increased demand for employment. This can result in workers spending more time completing deadlines and assignments to compete with others and maintain their positions. For example, some staff members in the company work in the office for approximately 12 hours a day to meet deadlines meticulously, leaving them with insufficient time to work out. Another explanation is the development of intelligent technologies. There are many technological devices that offer diverse functions and applications. It is convenient to use them for searching or playing online. Thus, people can become addicted to surfing the internet or playing games. This can lead to their paying too much attention to other online activities instead of exercising.

Despite this, various actions can be taken to mitigate the situation. The first possible measure is for companies to establish and open exercise facilities such as gyms or aerobic rooms for their employees. This can encourage employees to exercise during their free time at the office. Consequently, this not only allows people to train their muscles but also enhances their mental health, helping them have more energy to work efficiently as well. The second approach is for local authorities to organize campaigns to raise awareness about the importance of exercising or to hold exercise competitions for the community. Additionally, local leaders can offer meaningful gifts to individuals who work out on a daily basis to encourage them to participate in these activities. This can lead to a reduction in the laziness exercise rate among people and gradually break their bad habits.

In conclusion, although the lack of fitness among urban residents can stem from several causes, steps can be taken to tackle the issue.