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It is impossible to help all people in the world, so governments should only focus on people in their own countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is impossible to help all people in the world, so governments should only focus on people in their own countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many argue that due to the impossibility of supporting every individual around the globe, governments should prioritize providing aids to their own citizens. While a greater emphasis on local individuals is undeniable for the state due to national dependency on the contributions of local citizens , I disagree with this notion owing to a wide range of practical approaches in supporting oversea people.

On one hand, I acknowledge that every government should be obligated to pay closer attention to their residents rather than global affairs since the local populace are the pivotal determinator of a country’s sustainability and prosperity. More specifically, the rapid advancement of a nation could be understandably attributable to its citizens who tirelessly devote their time and effort to their occupations, which in turn significantly contribute to national economic improvements. For this reason, offering residents with timely assistances would be a good way for governments to convey a sense of gratitude and appreciation towards their citizens’ endeavors, which then cultivates a sense of patriotism and motivation in these people.

On the other hand, however, I oppose to the view that national authorities should only concentrate on their residents and remain negligent in supporting global citizens due to its unfeasibility. In fact, there are numerous ways that governments could execute to aid troublesome foreigners. First, basic necessities, such as water, food, and clothes could be effortless collected and distributed to those encountering difficulties overseas. The collection of these items could be implemented through calling for donation within the country. For instance, more than 100 thousands garments donated by Vietnamese people have recently been delivered to Ukrainian people who are miserably suffering from the destruction of the war against Russia. Second, adolescent voluntary campaign is another form of assistance that governments could promote. Establishing and sending teams of willing volunteers to deprived areas might help recover struggling individuals, tightening bilateral diplomatic relations between two countries.

In conclusion, I disagree with the notion that it is not viable to support global citizens since governments could possibly implement distinct forms of assistances offered to troublesome foreigners, such as the delivery of basic necessities and the establishment of abroad voluntary campaigns, despite greater preference should be given to the local.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "due to the impossibility of supporting every individual around the globe" -> "given the impracticality of providing support to every individual globally"
    Explanation: The suggested replacement maintains formality while expressing the difficulty in supporting everyone, and it avoids the colloquial use of "due to."

  2. "aids" -> "assistance"
    Explanation: Using "assistance" instead of "aids" is more formal and aligns better with academic language.

  3. "own citizens" -> "domestic population"
    Explanation: The term "domestic population" is a more formal way of referring to citizens within one’s own country.

  4. "undeniable for the state" -> "indispensable for the state"
    Explanation: "Indispensable" is a more sophisticated term that enhances the formality of the sentence, replacing the colloquial "undeniable."

  5. "due to national dependency on the contributions of local citizens" -> "because of the nation’s reliance on the contributions of its citizens"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative provides a clearer and more precise expression while maintaining formality.

  6. "I disagree with this notion owing to a wide range of practical approaches" -> "I disagree with this proposition due to various practical approaches"
    Explanation: The term "proposition" is a more formal alternative to "notion," and the rephrasing enhances clarity and formality.

  7. "acknowledge" -> "recognize"
    Explanation: "Recognize" is a more formal synonym for "acknowledge," fitting the academic context.

  8. "closer attention" -> "greater attention"
    Explanation: "Greater attention" is a more formal and precise phrase than "closer attention."

  9. "pivotal determinator" -> "crucial determinant"
    Explanation: "Crucial determinant" is a more formal and precise term than "pivotal determinator."

  10. "understandably attributable" -> "naturally attributable"
    Explanation: "Naturally attributable" maintains formality and is a more precise alternative to "understandably attributable."

  11. "timely assistances" -> "timely assistance"
    Explanation: Using "assistance" instead of "assistances" is more grammatically correct and formal.

  12. "cultivates a sense of patriotism and motivation in these people" -> "fosters patriotism and motivation among the populace"
    Explanation: The suggested phrasing is more concise and academically formal.

  13. "I oppose to the view" -> "I oppose the view"
    Explanation: Removing "to" makes the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.

  14. "remain negligent" -> "neglect"
    Explanation: "Neglect" is a more concise and formal term compared to "remain negligent."

  15. "unfeasibility" -> "impracticality"
    Explanation: "Impracticality" is a more formal and appropriate term for expressing the idea of something being not feasible.

  16. "effortless collected" -> "easily collected"
    Explanation: "Easily collected" is a more grammatically correct and precise alternative.

  17. "calling for donation within the country" -> "initiating a donation drive within the nation"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative is more formal and provides a clearer description of the action.

  18. "garments" -> "clothing"
    Explanation: "Clothing" is a more formal term than "garments."

  19. "miserably suffering" -> "enduring hardship"
    Explanation: "Enduring hardship" is a more formal and less emotive phrase.

  20. "adolescent voluntary campaign" -> "youth volunteer campaign"
    Explanation: "Youth volunteer campaign" is a more precise and formal alternative.

  21. "establishing and sending teams of willing volunteers" -> "organizing and deploying teams of willing volunteers"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative is more formal and provides a clearer description of the action.

  22. "struggling individuals" -> "those facing adversity"
    Explanation: "Those facing adversity" is a more formal and less emotionally charged phrase.

  23. "tightening bilateral diplomatic relations between two countries" -> "strengthening bilateral diplomatic ties"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative is more concise and formal.

  24. "despite greater preference should be given to the local" -> "although greater preference should be given to the local"
    Explanation: The suggested alternative corrects the grammatical structure and maintains formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay partially addresses all parts of the question. While it recognizes the importance of focusing on local citizens, it also argues against neglecting global citizens. However, the explanation for supporting global citizens is more detailed than the rationale for prioritizing local citizens. The essay could benefit from a more balanced discussion of both perspectives.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, ensure that both sides of the argument receive equal attention. Provide a more thorough analysis of the benefits and challenges associated with prioritizing local citizens and supporting global citizens.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a relatively clear position throughout by disagreeing with the notion that governments should only focus on their own citizens. However, there are instances where the stance is not as emphatic, leading to potential confusion. For example, the phrase "despite greater preference should be given to the local" somewhat weakens the essay’s overall position.
    • How to improve: Strengthen the essay’s stance by avoiding ambiguous statements. Clearly articulate the position in the introduction and conclusion, ensuring consistency in expressing disagreement with the idea of exclusively prioritizing local citizens.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents and develops ideas reasonably well. The argument in favor of supporting global citizens is elaborated with examples of providing basic necessities and initiating voluntary campaigns. However, the discussion on prioritizing local citizens could be more nuanced and detailed.
    • How to improve: Extend the discussion on supporting local citizens by providing specific examples and exploring potential benefits and drawbacks in greater depth. This will contribute to a more balanced and thorough argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the central theme of whether governments should prioritize their own citizens or extend support globally. However, there are moments where the focus shifts, such as when discussing the advancement of a nation due to local citizens. While related, this point could be more directly linked to the main theme.
    • How to improve: Ensure that all points made directly relate to the prompt. When discussing the contributions of local citizens, explicitly connect these contributions to the argument about government priorities, maintaining a more tightly focused response.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the prompt and presents a clear argument, though improvements in balance, clarity, depth, and focus would enhance its overall effectiveness.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. The introduction provides a clear stance, and subsequent paragraphs present arguments supporting both sides. However, there is room for improvement in the coherence within paragraphs. For instance, the transition between the first and second paragraphs could be smoother, ensuring a more seamless flow of ideas.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, work on improving transitional phrases between paragraphs. Consider using phrases like "On the other hand" or "Contrarily" to signal shifts in focus. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph follows a clear structure with a topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but there is inconsistency in their length and depth. The second paragraph is lengthy and covers multiple ideas, making it challenging for the reader to follow. Breaking down complex ideas into smaller, focused paragraphs would improve the overall structure and readability.
    • How to improve: Aim for consistency in paragraph length and focus. Each paragraph should revolve around a single main idea, introduced by a clear topic sentence. Consider splitting the second paragraph into two or more paragraphs to improve clarity and coherence.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses some cohesive devices, such as "On one hand" and "On the other hand," but there is a need for more diverse and precise connectors. Additionally, some sentences lack clear connections to the preceding or following ones, impacting overall coherence.
    • How to improve: Expand the range of cohesive devices by incorporating a variety of linking words (e.g., furthermore, however, consequently) and pronouns to create smoother transitions between sentences and ideas. Review the essay to ensure that each sentence logically connects to the previous and following sentences, maintaining a coherent flow throughout.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid organizational structure, attention to paragraphing consistency and the use of diverse cohesive devices will enhance its coherence and cohesion, potentially elevating the band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, incorporating terms such as "national dependency," "sustainability," "prosperity," and "bilateral diplomatic relations." However, there is room for improvement as some key concepts are repetitively expressed, impacting variety.
    • How to improve: To enhance your vocabulary range, explore synonyms and alternative expressions for frequently used terms. For example, instead of consistently using "government" or "authorities," consider employing terms like "administration" or "officials" where context permits. This diversification will add nuance to your language.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally employs vocabulary appropriately, there are instances where word choices could be more precise. For example, the phrase "determinator of a country’s sustainability and prosperity" could be refined for greater precision.
    • How to improve: Focus on using more specific and accurate terms. In this case, consider using "contributors" or "driving force" instead of "determinator" to convey the idea more precisely. Regularly consult a thesaurus to identify nuanced vocabulary choices that align with the intended meaning.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with only minor issues like "oversea" instead of "overseas" and "assistances" instead of "assistance."
    • How to improve: To further enhance spelling accuracy, proofread the essay carefully, paying attention to commonly misspelled words. Additionally, consider using spell-check tools to identify and correct errors. Cultivate the habit of reviewing your work before submission to catch and rectify any spelling mistakes.

Overall, the essay displays a commendable lexical resource but can benefit from refining vocabulary choices and addressing minor spelling issues. Aim for precision in expression by choosing words that precisely convey your intended meaning. Regularly reviewing and diversifying your vocabulary will contribute to an improved lexical score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures. There is a mix of complex and simple sentences, with a reasonable attempt at variety. However, some sentence structures are repetitive, impacting the overall fluency.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical range, consider incorporating more complex structures, such as compound-complex sentences or varied sentence openings. Utilize transitional phrases to connect ideas and create a smoother flow. Avoid overusing certain sentence structures to prevent monotony.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains grammatical accuracy, with minor errors in subject-verb agreement and preposition usage. Punctuation is generally well-executed, though there are instances of comma splices and missing commas in compound sentences.
    • How to improve: Pay closer attention to subject-verb agreement, ensuring consistency throughout the essay. Be cautious with comma usage, especially in compound sentences. Review complex sentences to ensure proper punctuation and avoid comma splices. Proofread the essay carefully to catch and correct minor grammatical errors.

Overall, the essay exhibits a solid command of grammar and punctuation, with some room for improvement in sentence structure variety and meticulous proofreading. Achieving a higher score would involve refining sentence structures for greater diversity and addressing minor grammatical nuances.

Bài sửa mẫu

While it is true that providing support to every individual globally is impractical, and governments are indispensable for the state because of the nation’s reliance on the contributions of its citizens, I disagree with this proposition due to various practical approaches in assisting people overseas.

I recognize the crucial determinant of a country’s sustainability and prosperity lies in its domestic population. The rapid advancement of a nation is naturally attributable to its citizens who devote their time and effort to their occupations, significantly contributing to national economic improvements. Thus, offering timely assistance to residents fosters patriotism and motivation among the populace.

However, I oppose the view that national authorities should only focus on their residents and neglect supporting global citizens due to its impracticality. There are numerous ways that governments could execute to aid troublesome foreigners. First, basic necessities such as water, food, and clothing can be easily collected and distributed to those facing adversity overseas. Initiating a donation drive within the nation is a simple yet effective method. For instance, more than 100 thousand garments donated by Vietnamese people were recently delivered to Ukrainian people who are enduring hardship due to the war against Russia. Second, organizing and deploying teams of willing volunteers, especially the youth, is another form of assistance governments could promote. Establishing voluntary campaigns and sending teams to deprived areas might help recover struggling individuals, strengthening bilateral diplomatic ties between two countries.

In conclusion, I disagree with the notion that it is not viable to support global citizens, as governments can implement distinct forms of assistance for those facing difficulties overseas, such as delivering basic necessities and organizing abroad voluntary campaigns, although greater preference should be given to the local.

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