It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To extent what do you agree or disagree?

Some individuals claim that it is essential for learners who are studying about history at school or college that studying history of their country plays a more crucial role than international events in the past. While I accept that, there are some arguments in favor of this view. I believe that gaining a deeper insight into world history is the key for students in the present day.

On the one hand, several reasons can be given to explain why some feel that studying local history is more significant than learning the history of the world. The initial explanation is that
The more accessible students have to the knowledge of historical envents, As a result, learners can fully understand about what their country went through in the past. This can be lead to their feeling of patriotism is stronger and stronger. In addition, gaining a deeper insight into their own historical knowledge can be helpful for younger generations and the development of the country in the future. For instance, preventing invaders attacks and avoiding an invasion of the country or the ages of taking part in producetive labours in Viet Nam can be seen as a specific example for this. The young generations these days have been inheriting valuable lessons and experiences of preventing and defending the country from invasions on the world in order to build the country more and more beautiful and sustainable.
However, I believe that instructing students about the knowledge of world history is more essential and nesscessary in the globalized word.
Firstly, Studying historical world can give learners a well- rounded understanding of other civilization on all over the world. As a result, young people can make cohensiveness among all of people who come from over the world. Secondly, we are living in the age of globalization and intergration into the regions. Therefore, the understanding of the international history is extremely vital. For example about my country to explain for this point. Diplomatists of my country usually base on knowledge gained from studying international events to strengthen the relationship with partners who work in other nations
In conclusion, although it is understandable why some people think that instructing undergraduates about what happened in the past of their own fatherland is more essential and necessary than eduacating them about wold events. I believe that, studying the history of other countries all over the world is more vital in the age intergrating into the world

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Errors and Improvements:

"envents" -> "events"
Explanation: "envents" is a misspelling of "events." Correcting this error improves the accuracy and readability of the text.
"This can be lead to their feeling of patriotism is stronger and stronger." -> "This can lead to a stronger sense of patriotism."
Explanation: The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and lacks clarity. Simplifying it and removing redundant words improve readability and academic tone.
"taking part in producetive labours" -> "engaging in productive endeavors"
Explanation: "taking part in productive labours" is awkward phrasing. "Engaging in productive endeavors" is a more formal and clearer alternative.
"inheriting valuable lessons and experiences of preventing and defending the country from invasions on the world" -> "inheriting valuable lessons and experiences in preventing and defending the country from global invasions"
Explanation: The original phrase is convoluted and unclear. Simplifying and restructuring it improves readability and comprehension.
"build the country more and more beautiful and sustainable" -> "enhance the country’s beauty and sustainability"
Explanation: The original phrase lacks precision and uses informal language. The suggested alternative maintains clarity and academic tone.
"nesscessary" -> "necessary"
Explanation: "nesscessary" is a misspelling of "necessary." Correcting spelling errors enhances the professionalism of the writing.
"well- rounded" -> "comprehensive"
Explanation: "well-rounded" is somewhat informal for academic writing. "Comprehensive" is a more appropriate and formal term in this context.
"can make cohensiveness among all of people who come from over the world" -> "can foster cohesion among people from diverse backgrounds worldwide"
Explanation: "Cohensiveness" is not a standard term. "Foster cohesion" is more precise and formal, and "worldwide" is more fitting than "over the world."
"age of globalization and intergration into the regions" -> "era of globalization and integration across regions"
Explanation: "age of globalization and intergration into the regions" is awkwardly phrased. Restructuring it improves clarity and formality.
"eduacating" -> "educating"
Explanation: "eduacating" is a misspelling of "educating." Correcting spelling errors improves the professionalism of the writing.
"age intergrating into the world" -> "era of global integration"
Explanation: "age intergrating into the world" is unclear and awkward. Simplifying it improves clarity and maintains academic tone.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay does address both aspects of the prompt, discussing the importance of learning local history versus world history. It acknowledges the argument in favor of local history but ultimately argues for the significance of world history in today’s globalized world. However, the analysis of each perspective could be more thorough, with clearer distinctions drawn between the two.
- How to improve: To enhance the comprehensiveness of addressing all parts of the question, the essay should provide a more balanced discussion of the benefits of both local and world history education. It could delve deeper into specific examples of how each type of historical knowledge contributes to a well-rounded education.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position favoring the importance of studying world history over local history. This stance is evident throughout the essay, with consistent arguments supporting the assertion.
- How to improve: To further improve clarity and consistency, the essay could strengthen its thesis statement in the introduction and reinforce the position throughout each paragraph with more explicit topic sentences and transitions.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas regarding the benefits of studying world history, such as fostering global understanding and facilitating international relations. However, these ideas are not thoroughly developed or supported with specific evidence or examples. The discussion lacks depth and nuance.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the essay should provide more detailed explanations and concrete examples to illustrate the advantages of studying world history. Additionally, incorporating relevant historical events or case studies would strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay primarily focuses on advocating for the importance of studying world history, it occasionally veers off topic by discussing specific examples related to local history, such as Vietnam’s resistance to invasion. These tangents, although somewhat relevant, distract from the main argument.
- How to improve: To maintain better focus on the topic, the essay should avoid delving too deeply into examples of local history unless directly relevant to supporting the broader argument for studying world history. Streamlining the discussion to stay aligned with the central thesis would enhance coherence.

Overall, while the essay effectively presents a clear position favoring the study of world history and addresses both parts of the prompt, it would benefit from deeper analysis, stronger support for ideas, and better focus to elevate its argumentation and coherence.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction stating the writer’s position, followed by body paragraphs presenting arguments for both sides of the issue. However, the development of these arguments lacks consistency and clarity. The transition between paragraphs is somewhat abrupt, making it challenging for the reader to follow the progression of ideas smoothly. For instance, the transition from discussing the importance of local history to the significance of world history could be smoother to enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, the writer should focus on creating a clear and cohesive structure. This can be achieved by outlining the main points before writing and ensuring that each paragraph contributes to the overall argument. Additionally, using transitional phrases and linking words between paragraphs can help guide the reader through the essay more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate different ideas, but the structure and effectiveness of these paragraphs are inconsistent. While there is an attempt to present separate points in each paragraph, the lack of cohesion within some paragraphs weakens their impact. For instance, the second paragraph combines multiple ideas without clear delineation, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance paragraph structure, the writer should aim for each paragraph to focus on a single main idea and develop it coherently. This can be achieved by providing clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and supporting them with relevant examples and explanations. Additionally, ensuring a smooth transition between paragraphs will improve the overall flow of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices to connect ideas within and between sentences, such as transitional phrases like "on the one hand" and "in conclusion." However, the variety and effectiveness of these cohesive devices are limited. There is a need for more diverse and precise cohesive devices to strengthen the coherence of the essay. For instance, the transition between paragraphs could be improved by using a wider range of linking words and phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a variety of linking words and phrases throughout the essay, such as "furthermore," "however," and "in addition." These devices help create logical connections between ideas and improve the overall coherence of the essay. Additionally, using cohesive devices within paragraphs, such as pronouns and transitional expressions, can improve the flow of ideas within each paragraph.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, though there is room for improvement. There is an attempt to incorporate a variety of words and phrases, but some repetition and reliance on basic vocabulary are evident. For example, the essay uses terms like "essential," "crucial," "significant," "globalized," and "integration," but could benefit from more diverse and sophisticated vocabulary choices.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, consider incorporating synonyms and idiomatic expressions to convey ideas more precisely and effectively. Thesaurus tools can be helpful in finding alternative words with similar meanings. Additionally, reading extensively on a wide range of topics can expose you to new vocabulary, which can then be integrated into your writing.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary precisely to convey ideas, but there are instances of imprecise usage that hinder clarity. For example, phrases like "the more accessible students have to the knowledge" and "can be lead to their feeling of patriotism is stronger" contain awkward phrasing and imprecise word choices that detract from the overall coherence of the sentences.
- How to improve: To improve precision in vocabulary usage, focus on selecting words and phrases that accurately convey your intended meaning. Avoid overly complex language or convoluted expressions that may confuse the reader. Proofreading your writing carefully and considering whether each word contributes to clarity and coherence can help refine your vocabulary usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a mix of correct and incorrect spellings. While some words are spelled accurately, there are several instances of misspellings throughout the essay, such as "envents," "nesscessary," "intergration," and "eduacating."
- How to improve: Improving spelling accuracy requires regular practice and attention to detail. Utilize spelling and grammar checkers available in word processing software to identify and correct errors. Additionally, reviewing common spelling patterns and frequently misspelled words can help reinforce correct spelling habits. Proofreading your writing thoroughly before submission can also help catch any spelling mistakes that may have been overlooked.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a decent variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. However, there is room for improvement in diversifying the structures further to enhance the overall coherence and sophistication of the essay. For instance, there is a repetition of certain sentence structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "The initial explanation is that" and "For example about my country to explain for this point."
- How to improve: To improve, the writer can experiment with different sentence structures, including varying the lengths and complexity. Introducing more complex structures like relative clauses, participial phrases, and conditional sentences can add depth and sophistication to the writing. Additionally, transitioning between ideas more smoothly can enhance the overall flow of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fairly good grasp of grammar and punctuation, but there are several instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the text. For example, "The more accessible students have to the knowledge of historical envents" should be "The more access students have to the knowledge of historical events." Additionally, there are punctuation errors like missing commas and inconsistent capitalization.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on reviewing grammar rules, particularly concerning subject-verb agreement, tense consistency, and article usage. Proofreading the essay carefully can help identify and correct punctuation errors, ensuring consistency and clarity in punctuation usage. Additionally, seeking feedback from peers or instructors can provide valuable insights for improvement.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some argue that it is more crucial for students to learn about the history of their own country rather than events from around the world. While I acknowledge this perspective, I contend that understanding global history holds greater importance for learners today.

On one hand, there are valid reasons supporting the notion that focusing on local history is paramount. Access to knowledge about historical events within their own country allows students to grasp the experiences and struggles of their nation. This can foster a stronger sense of patriotism among them. Furthermore, delving into their own history equips younger generations with valuable lessons, such as strategies for defending their homeland against external threats or engaging in productive endeavors. For instance, the experiences of Vietnam in repelling invasions serve as a tangible example of this. The lessons learned from history contribute to the ongoing efforts to enhance the beauty and sustainability of the country.

However, I argue that a comprehensive understanding of world history is indispensable in today’s globalized era. Firstly, studying global history provides students with insights into diverse civilizations across the globe, fostering cohesion among people from various backgrounds. Secondly, in an era characterized by globalization and integration, knowledge of international history is vital. For instance, diplomats often rely on their understanding of global events to nurture relationships with counterparts from other nations.

In conclusion, while it is understandable why some prioritize teaching students about their own national history, I maintain that educating them about world events is more essential in today’s interconnected world.