It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

Over the past few years, education-related problems have attracted great attention from the public. Many people believe that studying national history is more crucial than world history. From my perspective, I completely disagree with this view as they are equally important.

To commence with, local history can be really beneficial or even important for students. The first and, probably, the most noticeable factor is that local history might help maintain culture. History is a part of culture, like while studying history students can gain numerous knowledge about their culture from local history. As a result, learners will get the values of cultural heritages as well as knowing that they have responsibility in preserving these heritage sites. Another factor is helping children understand what happened in the past. To illustrate, in the Resistance War against the US, a vast array of soldiers had sacrificed their blood, tears and even themselves to bring back peace for the Vietnamese people . Consequently, this tendency helps young people be motivated in studying harder throughout the contribution and appreciation of their forefathers.

Nevertheless,, on the other hand, being knowledgeable in world history also brings students some certain merits. Firstly, learners can broaden their horizons from exposure to many other countries’ cultures. When people visit different nations, they will have a chance to explore many dissimilar cultures from the rest of the world, seeing problems from many other views and reduce the rate of ethnocentrism, promoting their open-mindset especially for old people. Additionally, the learner should acquire other lessons from famous foreign characters in the reality programs. For example, world leaders have to learn a lot from others and tactics in neighboring countries in order to support their own residents. Consequently, they will have a cleared view for developing for their region

In conclusion, learning regional history is really beneficial for students, however, history from other countries is also important in education and children’s mindset growth

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Over the past few years" -> "In recent years"
Explanation: "In recent years" is a more formal and precise temporal reference, suitable for academic writing.
"Many people believe" -> "Many individuals contend"
Explanation: "Contend" is a more formal and academically appropriate verb than "believe," which can sound too casual for academic discourse.
"completely disagree" -> "strongly disagree"
Explanation: "Strongly disagree" is a more formal expression than "completely disagree," aligning better with academic tone.
"really beneficial" -> "highly beneficial"
Explanation: "Highly beneficial" is a more formal and precise adverbial phrase than "really beneficial," which is somewhat colloquial.
"might help maintain culture" -> "may help preserve culture"
Explanation: "Preserve" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "maintain" in the context of cultural heritage.
"like while" -> "such as"
Explanation: "Such as" is a more formal and appropriate conjunction for listing examples in academic writing.
"learners will get the values" -> "learners will acquire the values"
Explanation: "Acquire" is a more formal and precise verb than "get" in this context, enhancing the academic tone.
"knowing that they have responsibility" -> "recognizing their responsibility"
Explanation: "Recognizing their responsibility" is more concise and formal, improving the flow and precision of the sentence.
"a vast array of soldiers" -> "a large number of soldiers"
Explanation: "A large number of" is a more precise and formal phrase than "a vast array of," which can be seen as overly dramatic.
"had sacrificed their blood, tears and even themselves" -> "sacrificed their lives"
Explanation: "Sacrificed their lives" is a more formal and succinct way to express the extreme sacrifices made by soldiers.
"helps young people be motivated" -> "motivates young people"
Explanation: "Motivates" is a more direct and formal verb than "helps be motivated," which is awkwardly phrased.
"certain merits" -> "certain advantages"
Explanation: "Advantages" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "merits" in this context.
"broaden their horizons" -> "expand their perspectives"
Explanation: "Expand their perspectives" is a more formal and precise phrase than "broaden their horizons," which is somewhat colloquial.
"dissimilar cultures" -> "distinct cultures"
Explanation: "Distinct" is a more formal and academically precise term than "dissimilar," which can imply a negative connotation.
"reduce the rate of ethnocentrism" -> "mitigate ethnocentric tendencies"
Explanation: "Mitigate ethnocentric tendencies" is a more precise and formal way to describe reducing the effects of ethnocentrism.
"learners should acquire" -> "learners should gain"
Explanation: "Gain" is a more straightforward and formal verb than "acquire" in this context, improving clarity and formality.
"cleared view" -> "clearer understanding"
Explanation: "Clearer understanding" is a more precise and formal expression than "cleared view," which is awkward and unclear.
"really beneficial" -> "highly beneficial"
Explanation: Consistency in formality is maintained by using "highly beneficial" instead of the less formal "really beneficial."

These changes enhance the academic tone and precision of the essay, aligning it more closely with formal writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both local and world history, presenting a balanced view that acknowledges the importance of both. The introduction clearly states the writer’s disagreement with the notion that local history is more important, which is a direct response to the question. The body paragraphs explore the benefits of both types of history, providing relevant examples that support the argument. However, the essay could have benefited from a clearer distinction between the two perspectives, as it sometimes feels like the discussion of local history overshadows the discussion of world history.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could explicitly state the relative importance of local versus world history in the conclusion, summarizing the main arguments for both sides more distinctly. Additionally, providing a more structured comparison between the two types of history within the body paragraphs could clarify the argument further.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the idea that local history is more important than world history. The writer consistently emphasizes the equal importance of both types of history throughout the essay. However, there are moments where the phrasing could be clearer, particularly in the transition between discussing local and world history, which may cause some confusion about the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the writer should use more explicit transition phrases that reinforce the argument. For example, phrases like "On the contrary" or "In addition to this" can help signal shifts in focus and reinforce the overall position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the importance of both local and world history. The writer provides examples, such as the cultural benefits of local history and the broadening of perspectives through world history. However, some ideas could be further developed; for instance, the mention of "famous foreign characters in the reality programs" lacks clarity and could benefit from more specific examples or elaboration on how these lessons apply to students.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations. For instance, instead of vaguely referencing "famous foreign characters," the writer could mention specific historical figures and the lessons learned from them. Additionally, using statistics or studies to support claims about the benefits of learning history could enhance the argument’s credibility.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, addressing the importance of both local and world history. However, there are instances where the focus shifts slightly, such as the mention of "old people" in the context of promoting an open mindset, which feels out of place and detracts from the main argument about schoolchildren.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made are directly relevant to the education of schoolchildren. Avoiding unnecessary references to unrelated groups or concepts will help keep the essay tightly aligned with the prompt. Additionally, a brief outline before writing could help the writer stay on track with the main argument throughout the essay.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a well-structured argument. By refining clarity, enhancing examples, and maintaining focus, the writer can further elevate the quality of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument against the notion that local history is more important than world history. The introduction effectively states the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs are organized around distinct points that support this stance. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of local history, while the second addresses the merits of world history. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, as some points feel slightly disjointed. For example, the shift from discussing local history’s cultural benefits to the historical context of the Resistance War lacks a clear connective thought.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly connect ideas between sentences and paragraphs. For instance, after discussing the importance of local history, a sentence like, "Conversely, understanding world history also plays a crucial role in a student’s education," could serve as a clearer bridge to the next point.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion are clearly delineated. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from clearer topic sentences and more structured development of ideas. The phrase "Nevertheless, on the other hand," is somewhat redundant and could be simplified to "However," which would enhance clarity.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by ensuring each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, consider breaking down complex ideas into smaller, more digestible sentences to improve readability and coherence.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "To commence with," "Another factor," and "Consequently," which help link ideas within paragraphs. However, there are instances of repetition and awkward phrasing, such as "from exposure to many other countries’ cultures," which could be more fluidly expressed. The use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and the essay occasionally relies on simple conjunctions.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," and "In addition," to connect ideas within and between paragraphs. Additionally, varying sentence structure can enhance cohesion; for example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "Another factor," try integrating those ideas into a more complex sentence structure.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, enhancing the logical flow, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a stronger overall performance in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "crucial," "beneficial," "maintain culture," and "broaden their horizons." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks variation. For example, the phrase "local history" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which could enhance the essay’s lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeating "local history," they could use "regional history," "community history," or "historical context of the area." Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as "cultural heritage," "historical consciousness," or "global awareness," would strengthen the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay contains some precise vocabulary, there are also instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "sacrificed their blood, tears and even themselves" could be seen as overly dramatic or vague. The term "some certain merits" is also awkward and not standard English usage. The phrase "cleared view for developing for their region" lacks clarity and precision.
- How to improve: The writer should focus on using more precise language. Instead of "sacrificed their blood, tears and even themselves," a more effective phrase might be "made significant sacrifices." For "some certain merits," it would be better to simply say "certain merits." Additionally, rephrasing "cleared view for developing for their region" to "clear perspective on regional development" would enhance clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "old people" instead of "older people," and "learner" instead of "learners" in the context used. Additionally, "Nevertheless,," has an extra comma that is incorrect. These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully before submission. Utilizing tools such as spell checkers or grammar checking software can help identify and correct errors. Furthermore, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards for commonly misspelled words can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, there is room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By incorporating more varied vocabulary, ensuring precise language use, and carefully proofreading for spelling errors, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a solid range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of introductory phrases like "To commence with" and "Nevertheless" effectively transitions between ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as starting multiple sentences with "Another factor is" or "Firstly," which can detract from the overall variety. Additionally, the sentence "Consequently, this tendency helps young people be motivated in studying harder throughout the contribution and appreciation of their forefathers" is somewhat convoluted and could be simplified for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using more varied introductory phrases and clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Another factor is," you could use "In addition," or "Moreover," to introduce new points. Additionally, aim for more concise sentences that clearly convey your ideas without unnecessary complexity. This will not only improve readability but also demonstrate a greater command of grammatical structures.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay shows a good level of grammatical accuracy overall, but there are notable errors that impact clarity. For example, the phrase "being knowledgeable in world history also brings students some certain merits" is awkward; "some certain" is redundant and should be simplified to "certain merits." Furthermore, the sentence "Nevertheless,, on the other hand," contains a punctuation error with an extra comma. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement and article usage, such as "the learner should acquire other lessons from famous foreign characters in the reality programs," where "the reality programs" is vague and could be more specific.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors, particularly in punctuation and redundancy. Focus on ensuring that each sentence is clear and concise, avoiding unnecessary phrases that may confuse the reader. Additionally, practicing subject-verb agreement and article usage through targeted exercises can help solidify these grammatical foundations. Consider revising sentences for clarity and precision, such as changing "the learner should acquire other lessons from famous foreign characters in the reality programs" to "students can learn valuable lessons from prominent figures in global history."

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of grammatical range and accuracy, potentially improving the overall band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

Over the past few years, education-related problems have attracted great attention from the public. Many individuals contend that studying national history is more crucial than world history. From my perspective, I completely disagree with this view, as they are equally important.

To commence with, local history can be highly beneficial or even important for students. The first and probably the most noticeable factor is that local history may help preserve culture. History is a part of culture; while studying history, students can gain numerous insights about their culture from local history. As a result, learners will acquire the values of cultural heritages, as well as recognizing their responsibility in preserving these heritage sites. Another factor is helping children understand what happened in the past. To illustrate, in the Resistance War against the US, a large number of soldiers sacrificed their lives to bring back peace for the Vietnamese people. Consequently, this tendency motivates young people to study harder through the contribution and appreciation of their forefathers.

Nevertheless, on the other hand, being knowledgeable in world history also brings students certain advantages. Firstly, learners can expand their perspectives from exposure to many other countries’ cultures. When people visit different nations, they will have a chance to explore distinct cultures from the rest of the world, seeing problems from various views and mitigating ethnocentric tendencies, promoting their open-mindedness, especially for older people. Additionally, learners should gain other lessons from famous foreign figures in reality programs. For example, world leaders have to learn a lot from others and tactics in neighboring countries in order to support their own residents. Consequently, they will have a clearer understanding for developing their region.

In conclusion, learning local history is highly beneficial for students; however, history from other countries is also important in education and children’s mindset growth.