It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some individuals think that spending public money on enhancing a healthy lifestyle to avoid ailments is more essential than using it for the treatment of people who have already suffered from illness. Personally, I believe that governments should allocate simultaneously equal financial resources to improving a healthy lifestyle and treating patients.
On the one hand, it is undeniable that a large proportion of state budget should be allocated to activities and campaigns that promote a healthy lifestyle. To be more specific, governments might spend money on erecting more modern and environmentally friendly facilities, such as gym rooms and outdoor parks to encourage citizens to do exercises or take strolls for a healthier lifestyle. Besides, a lot of diseases nowadays are caused by people’s unhealthy habits. For example, individuals who eat fast food on a daily basis commonly suffer from a range of health issues, such as obesity and diabetes. These diseases can be prevented if people are made more aware of severe consequences of an unhealthy diet by campaigns of authority.
On the other hand, the treatment for people who are already ill should be received adequate funding as some diseases cannot be simply prevented. People living in many tropical or coastal regions, for example, may be vulnerable to water-borne diseases after a natural disaster such as a tsunami or heavy flooding. Additionally, there are also some illnesses and disorders that are inherited. For instance, if a person suffers from asthma, it is highly likely that his children will also contract respiratory diseases, regardless of their diet or lifestyle. These mentioned cases would be almost impossible for people or governments to prevent, and therefore money needs to be spent on the treatment of patients.
In conclusion, both illness prevention and cure can play important roles in the fight against diseases. While promoting a healthy lifestyle can avoid illness, spending money on medical treatment helps individuals who contract diseases that cannot be prevented.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Some individuals think" -> "Some people believe"
Explanation: "Some people believe" is a more natural and formal expression commonly used in academic writing, enhancing the tone of the essay.
"enhancing a healthy lifestyle to avoid ailments" -> "promoting a healthy lifestyle to prevent illnesses"
Explanation: "Promoting" is more precise and formal than "enhancing," and "illnesses" is a more specific term than "ailments," which is somewhat vague and less commonly used in formal contexts.
"more essential" -> "more crucial"
Explanation: "Crucial" is a more academically precise term than "essential" in this context, emphasizing the importance of the issue.
"simultaneously equal financial resources" -> "equally allocate financial resources"
Explanation: "Equally allocate" is a more precise and formal way to express the distribution of resources, aligning better with academic style.
"activities and campaigns" -> "initiatives and programs"
Explanation: "Initiatives and programs" are more specific and formal terms commonly used in policy and academic discussions about government spending.
"erecting more modern and environmentally friendly facilities" -> "constructing more modern and environmentally sustainable facilities"
Explanation: "Constructing" is a more precise verb for building, and "sustainable" is a more specific and academically appropriate term than "friendly" when discussing environmental impact.
"do exercises or take strolls" -> "engage in physical activity or take leisurely walks"
Explanation: "Engage in physical activity or take leisurely walks" is more formal and specific, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"a lot of diseases" -> "many diseases"
Explanation: "Many" is a more precise and formal quantifier than "a lot," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"people’s unhealthy habits" -> "individuals’ unhealthy habits"
Explanation: "Individuals’" is a more formal and precise term than "people’s" in academic writing, especially when referring to specific groups or behaviors.
"made more aware of severe consequences" -> "informed about the severe consequences"
Explanation: "Informed about" is a more formal and precise phrase than "made more aware of," which is somewhat colloquial.
"campaigns of authority" -> "authoritative campaigns"
Explanation: "Authoritative campaigns" is a more formal and precise way to describe campaigns initiated by government or official bodies.
"cannot be simply prevented" -> "cannot be easily prevented"
Explanation: "Cannot be easily prevented" is a more accurate and formal expression, as it acknowledges the challenges involved in prevention rather than implying it is impossible.
"People living in many tropical or coastal regions" -> "Residents of tropical or coastal regions"
Explanation: "Residents" is a more formal and precise term than "people," and it is more appropriate in academic writing.
"highly likely" -> "highly probable"
Explanation: "Highly probable" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "highly likely," which is somewhat informal.
"almost impossible for people or governments to prevent" -> "virtually impossible for individuals or governments to prevent"
Explanation: "Virtually impossible" is a more precise and formal expression than "almost impossible," aligning better with academic standards.
"spending money on medical treatment helps individuals who contract diseases" -> "allocating funds for medical treatment assists individuals who contract illnesses"
Explanation: "Allocating funds" and "assists" are more formal and precise terms, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the allocation of public funds for health promotion versus treatment. The introduction clearly states the writer’s position that both areas should receive equal funding, which is a valid response to the question. The body paragraphs provide relevant examples and arguments for both promoting a healthy lifestyle and the necessity of treating existing illnesses, demonstrating a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer could more explicitly acknowledge the extent to which they agree or disagree with the statement. This could involve a clearer articulation of their stance in the conclusion, perhaps by indicating if they lean more towards one side than the other, even if they advocate for balance.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that both prevention and treatment are important. However, the argument could benefit from a stronger emphasis on the writer’s personal viewpoint throughout the essay. While the introduction and conclusion reflect this dual focus, the body paragraphs could more consistently reinforce this stance rather than presenting the two sides as somewhat equal without a stronger personal conviction.
- How to improve: The writer should consider using transitional phrases that reiterate their position as they discuss each point. For example, after presenting an argument for prevention, they could explicitly state how this supports their overall belief in the need for balanced funding.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas and supports them with examples, such as the mention of facilities for exercise and the impact of unhealthy diets on diseases. However, some ideas could be extended further. For instance, while the discussion on inherited diseases is relevant, it could be enriched by discussing the implications for public health policy or the economic burden of treating such diseases.
- How to improve: To strengthen the support for ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with additional examples or data. This could involve discussing specific health campaigns that have been successful or statistics that highlight the costs associated with both prevention and treatment.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay stays largely on topic, addressing the prompt directly without significant deviations. Each paragraph contributes to the overall argument regarding the importance of both prevention and treatment. However, the discussion could be more tightly focused on the implications of funding decisions rather than just listing examples.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that each example directly ties back to the central argument about funding allocation. This could involve explicitly linking examples to the consequences of funding decisions, thereby reinforcing the relevance of each point to the overall topic.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a balanced view. By refining the clarity of the position, extending ideas with more depth, and ensuring tight relevance to the topic, the writer could further enhance their score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with a well-defined introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, which aids in the logical progression of ideas. For instance, the first body paragraph focuses on the importance of promoting a healthy lifestyle, while the second discusses the necessity of funding treatment for existing illnesses. This clear division helps the reader follow the argument effectively.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, integrating transitional phrases between points within paragraphs could further clarify the relationship between ideas. For example, using phrases like "Furthermore" or "In addition" could help link related ideas more smoothly.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which is crucial for readability and coherence. Each paragraph contains a clear focus, and the length is appropriate, allowing for sufficient development of ideas without overwhelming the reader. The introduction sets the stage, while the conclusion summarizes the main points succinctly.
- How to improve: While the paragraphing is generally effective, consider ensuring that each paragraph contains a clear concluding sentence that reinforces the main idea discussed. This would help to solidify the argument presented in each section. For instance, after discussing the importance of promoting a healthy lifestyle, a concluding sentence could summarize the benefits of such initiatives before transitioning to the next paragraph.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal contrasting viewpoints. Additionally, the use of examples helps to illustrate points clearly, contributing to the overall cohesion of the essay. However, the range of cohesive devices could be expanded to enhance the flow of ideas further.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, using "Moreover," "Consequently," or "In contrast" can help to create smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to avoid repetition and maintain cohesion. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "people," you could use "individuals" or "citizens" to keep the text engaging.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the essay could achieve an even higher level of clarity and fluidity in presenting its arguments.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair range of vocabulary, with terms such as "enhancing," "essential," "allocate," and "campaigns." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety in expression. For instance, the phrase "spending public money" appears multiple times without variation, which can detract from the overall quality of the writing. The use of "healthy lifestyle" and "illness" is also repeated without synonyms or alternative phrases.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "spending public money," alternatives like "investing public funds" or "allocating government resources" could be used. Additionally, exploring phrases like "promoting wellness" or "preventing health issues" can add depth to the vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary correctly, but there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "made more aware of severe consequences" could be more effectively expressed as "informed about the serious consequences." The term "authority" in "campaigns of authority" is vague and does not specify which authority is being referred to, leading to ambiguity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim for clarity and specificity in word choice. Instead of "campaigns of authority," using "government health campaigns" would provide clearer context. Furthermore, ensuring that phrases convey the intended meaning accurately can enhance the overall effectiveness of the argument.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a good level of spelling accuracy, with no glaring errors present. Words such as "essential," "allocate," and "treatment" are spelled correctly throughout the text. However, there are minor issues with hyphenation and compound words, such as "water-borne" which is correctly hyphenated, but "outdoor parks" could be better expressed as "outdoor recreational parks" for clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain and improve spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as reading widely and using spell-check tools. Additionally, reviewing common compound words and their correct forms can help avoid any potential errors. Keeping a list of frequently misspelled words and their correct forms can also be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a competent use of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and spelling nuances. By incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, ensuring precise word choice, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "For example, individuals who eat fast food on a daily basis commonly suffer from a range of health issues, such as obesity and diabetes" effectively conveys detailed information. However, there is a tendency to rely on similar structures, particularly in the introductory and concluding sentences, which could be more varied.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more complex and compound-complex sentences. For example, instead of repeating "it is undeniable that" or "on the one hand," the writer could use alternatives such as "undoubtedly," "while it is true that," or "considering this." Additionally, varying the placement of clauses can create more dynamic sentences, such as starting with a dependent clause or using inversion for emphasis.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, with a few minor errors. For instance, the phrase "should be received adequate funding" is awkward and should be rephrased to "should receive adequate funding." Additionally, there are some punctuation issues, such as the lack of commas in complex sentences, which can lead to confusion. For example, "if people are made more aware of severe consequences of an unhealthy diet by campaigns of authority" could benefit from a comma after "diet" for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of articles. For example, ensuring that phrases like "the treatment for people who are already ill should be received adequate funding" are corrected to "the treatment for people who are already ill should receive adequate funding." Furthermore, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in mastering punctuation and improving overall grammatical accuracy.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of grammatical range and accuracy, there are opportunities for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision. By implementing the suggested strategies, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals think that spending public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle to prevent illnesses is more essential than using it for the treatment of people who are already ill. Personally, I believe that governments should equally allocate financial resources to promoting a healthy lifestyle and treating patients.

On the one hand, it is undeniable that a large proportion of the state budget should be allocated to initiatives and programs that promote a healthy lifestyle. To be more specific, governments might spend money on constructing more modern and environmentally sustainable facilities, such as gyms and outdoor parks, to encourage citizens to engage in physical activity or take leisurely walks for a healthier lifestyle. Besides, many diseases nowadays are caused by individuals’ unhealthy habits. For example, individuals who eat fast food on a daily basis commonly suffer from a range of health issues, such as obesity and diabetes. These diseases can be prevented if people are informed about the severe consequences of an unhealthy diet through authoritative campaigns.

On the other hand, treatment for people who are already ill should receive adequate funding, as some diseases cannot be easily prevented. Residents of tropical or coastal regions, for example, may be vulnerable to water-borne diseases after a natural disaster such as a tsunami or heavy flooding. Additionally, there are also some illnesses and disorders that are inherited. For instance, if a person suffers from asthma, it is highly probable that their children will also contract respiratory diseases, regardless of their diet or lifestyle. These cases would be virtually impossible for individuals or governments to prevent, and therefore money needs to be spent on the treatment of patients.

In conclusion, both illness prevention and cure can play important roles in the fight against diseases. While promoting a healthy lifestyle can help avoid illness, spending money on medical treatment assists individuals who contract diseases that cannot be prevented.