it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illnesses then to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill to what extends do you agree or disagree

it is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illnesses then to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill
to what extends do you agree or disagree

In this day and age, the promotion of a healthy lifestyle is increasing around the globe. It is widely argued that the government fundings should be prioritized for the prevention and health promotion campaigns in place of investing revenue on medicines to prevent the prevailing dangerous diseases of patients. I, partly agree with this notion since giving a healthy life of citizens is equally urgent as healing patients. This essay will shed light on both sides of the view and provide evidence to prove the arguments.
On the one hand, there are numerous positive sides to spending more on health education to foster a healthy lifestyle. This development can siginificantly reduce the incidence of diseases that would decrease the morbidity and mortality of individuals such as diarrhoea, malaria and covid-19. On top of that, it will save a reasonable amount of money for the public and the government which is being spent on the treatments of health disorders. To illustrate, if the authorities educate people on how to minimize the spread of infectious diseases by maintaining personal hygiene, this would help to decline the mortality rate associated with those diseases.
On the other hand, patients who are already contracted several unpreventable illnesses such as many forms of cancer, HIV/AIDS and some hereditary diseases need long-term treatment. Taking into consideration, governments should come forward with a helping hand for those patients by implementing medical care policies. For instance, lots of free provide HIV medicines programs are supported by local authorities.
To conclude, both investing money in encouraging a healthy lifestyle and spending capital on treatment of patients are equally imperative, and each nation should establish flexible approaches to adapt to different situations.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"In this day and age" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "In this day and age" is a colloquial expression. "Currently" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"the government fundings" -> "government funding"
Explanation: "Fundings" is not a standard term; "funding" is the correct noun form.
"investing revenue on medicines" -> "investing in medical treatments"
Explanation: "Investing revenue on medicines" is awkward and incorrect. "Investing in medical treatments" is more precise and formal.
"the prevailing dangerous diseases of patients" -> "prevalent diseases affecting patients"
Explanation: "The prevailing dangerous diseases of patients" is awkward and unclear. "Prevalent diseases affecting patients" is clearer and more formal.
"giving a healthy life of citizens" -> "promoting the health of citizens"
Explanation: "Giving a healthy life of citizens" is grammatically incorrect and vague. "Promoting the health of citizens" is grammatically correct and more precise.
"shed light on both sides of the view" -> "examine both perspectives"
Explanation: "Shed light on" is a metaphorical expression that may seem informal in academic writing. "Examine both perspectives" is straightforward and formal.
"siginificantly" -> "significantly"
Explanation: "Siginificantly" is a typographical error. The correct spelling is "significantly."
"would decrease the morbidity and mortality of individuals" -> "would reduce morbidity and mortality among individuals"
Explanation: "Decrease the morbidity and mortality of individuals" is grammatically awkward. "Reduce morbidity and mortality among individuals" is grammatically correct and clearer.
"reasonable amount of money" -> "substantial amount of money"
Explanation: "Reasonable" is vague and informal; "substantial" is more precise and formal.
"the treatments of health disorders" -> "the treatment of health disorders"
Explanation: "The treatments of health disorders" is grammatically incorrect. "The treatment of health disorders" is grammatically correct.
"decline the mortality rate" -> "reduce the mortality rate"
Explanation: "Decline" is not the correct verb in this context; "reduce" is the appropriate verb for decreasing mortality rates.
"already contracted several unpreventable illnesses" -> "already afflicted with several unpreventable illnesses"
Explanation: "Contracted" is less formal and slightly incorrect in this context. "Afflicted with" is more formal and appropriate.
"Taking into consideration" -> "Considering"
Explanation: "Taking into consideration" is verbose; "Considering" is more concise and formal.
"come forward with a helping hand" -> "extend support"
Explanation: "Come forward with a helping hand" is idiomatic and informal. "Extend support" is more formal and precise.
"lots of free provide HIV medicines programs" -> "numerous free HIV medication programs"
Explanation: "Lots of free provide" is informal and grammatically incorrect. "Numerous free HIV medication programs" corrects these issues and improves formality.
"flexible approaches to adapt to different situations" -> "flexible approaches adaptable to diverse situations"
Explanation: "Flexible approaches to adapt to different situations" is awkwardly phrased. "Flexible approaches adaptable to diverse situations" is more fluid and formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument regarding the allocation of public funds for health promotion versus treatment. The introduction clearly states a partial agreement with the notion, which is a good start. However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit acknowledgment of the extent of agreement or disagreement, as the prompt asks "to what extent." The discussion on health education and treatment is relevant, but the lack of a clear stance diminishes the overall effectiveness.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly state the extent of their agreement or disagreement in the introduction and reinforce this position throughout the essay. Including a clearer thesis statement that outlines the main points of discussion would also help in addressing all parts of the question more comprehensively.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that is somewhat clear but lacks consistency. The phrase "I, partly agree with this notion" indicates a mixed stance, yet the essay does not consistently reflect this throughout. The arguments for both sides are presented, but the conclusion does not effectively summarize the writer’s position, leading to ambiguity.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear position, the writer should consistently refer back to their stance in each paragraph. Using phrases like "I believe" or "In my view" can help reinforce the position. Additionally, the conclusion should reiterate the main argument and clarify the extent of agreement or disagreement more decisively.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents relevant ideas regarding the benefits of health promotion and the necessity of treating existing illnesses. However, the support for these ideas is somewhat limited. For instance, while the essay mentions the reduction of disease incidence through education, it could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument. The mention of free HIV medicines is a good example but could be expanded upon for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve the development and support of ideas, the writer should include more detailed examples, statistics, or case studies that illustrate the benefits of health promotion and the importance of treatment. This would provide a more robust argument and enhance the overall persuasiveness of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the allocation of public funds for health promotion and treatment. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper. For example, the mention of "hereditary diseases" could be better connected to the overall argument about the necessity of treatment versus prevention.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made directly relates back to the central argument of the essay. It may help to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all content aligns with the topic. Additionally, avoiding tangential discussions will keep the essay more cohesive and relevant.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant arguments, it can be improved by clarifying the position, providing more detailed support for ideas, and ensuring that all content remains tightly focused on the prompt.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both sides of the issue, and a conclusion. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s position, and the body paragraphs are organized to present arguments for both the promotion of a healthy lifestyle and the necessity of treating existing illnesses. However, the logical flow could be improved; for instance, the transition between the two sides could be more explicit to guide the reader more smoothly from one argument to the next.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that directly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, using transitional phrases such as "Conversely" or "On the other hand" at the start of the second body paragraph can help signal the shift in focus more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first body paragraph discusses the benefits of promoting a healthy lifestyle, while the second addresses the needs of patients requiring treatment. However, the paragraphs could be more balanced in length and depth; the first paragraph is more developed than the second, which could lead to an uneven presentation of ideas.
- How to improve: Aim for a more balanced development of each paragraph. The second body paragraph could be expanded with additional examples or details about the importance of treatment for chronic illnesses. This would not only provide a more comprehensive view but also enhance the overall coherence of the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," to differentiate between the two sides of the argument. However, there is a limited range of cohesive devices used throughout the essay, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive. For instance, the phrase "this would help to decline the mortality rate" could be better connected to the previous sentence with a more varied transition.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "In contrast," and "As a result." Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance clarity and flow. For example, using "Consequently" before discussing the financial benefits of health education could strengthen the connection between ideas.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially improving the overall band score.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "promotion," "health education," "incidence of diseases," and "morbidity and mortality." However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied and sophisticated. For example, phrases like "healthy lifestyle" and "public money" are repeated without variation, which limits the lexical range.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, consider using synonyms or related terms. For instance, instead of repeating "healthy lifestyle," alternatives like "wellness practices" or "health-conscious behaviors" could be employed. Additionally, using more academic or formal vocabulary, such as "allocate" instead of "spend," would elevate the essay’s tone.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "infectious diseases" and "medical care policies." However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "government fundings," which should be "government funding" as "funding" is an uncountable noun. Additionally, the phrase "giving a healthy life of citizens" is awkward and unclear.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. For example, rephrase "giving a healthy life of citizens" to "ensuring the health of citizens." Regularly reviewing and practicing vocabulary in context can also help improve precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "siginificantly" (significantly) and "provide" in the phrase "lots of free provide HIV medicines programs," which should be "providing." These errors detract from the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider implementing a proofreading strategy. After writing, take a moment to review the essay for spelling mistakes. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can also help catch errors. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words can build confidence in spelling.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents valid arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling would contribute to a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For example, the phrase "This essay will shed light on both sides of the view and provide evidence to prove the arguments" effectively combines multiple ideas. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting several sentences with "This" or "On the one hand."
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider using introductory phrases, subordinate clauses, or different ways to start sentences. For example, instead of beginning with "On the one hand," you could use "Firstly," or "To begin with," which would help diversify the essay’s flow. Additionally, integrating more varied conjunctions and transition phrases can improve the overall coherence and complexity of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from clarity. For instance, "government fundings" should be "government funding," as "funding" is an uncountable noun. The phrase "the treatments of health disorders" is awkward; a more natural phrasing would be "the treatment of health disorders." Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as the comma splice in "To illustrate, if the authorities educate people on how to minimize the spread of infectious diseases by maintaining personal hygiene, this would help to decline the mortality rate associated with those diseases."
- How to improve: Focus on proofreading for grammatical accuracy, particularly with noun forms and subject-verb agreement. Utilize grammar-checking tools or resources to identify common mistakes. For punctuation, ensure that clauses are properly connected and that commas are used to separate items in a list or to clarify sentence structure. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward phrasing and punctuation errors, allowing for smoother revisions.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the highlighted areas for improvement will enhance clarity and effectiveness, potentially raising the band score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

In this day and age, the promotion of a healthy lifestyle is gaining momentum around the globe. It is widely argued that government funding should be prioritized for prevention and health promotion campaigns instead of investing revenue in medicines to combat prevalent diseases affecting patients. I partly agree with this notion, as ensuring the health of citizens is equally urgent as treating those who are already ill. This essay will examine both perspectives and provide evidence to support the arguments.

On the one hand, there are numerous advantages to allocating more resources to health education to foster a healthy lifestyle. This approach can significantly reduce the incidence of diseases, thereby decreasing morbidity and mortality among individuals suffering from conditions such as diarrhoea, malaria, and COVID-19. Additionally, it will save a substantial amount of money for both the public and the government, which is currently spent on the treatment of health disorders. For instance, if authorities educate people on how to minimize the spread of infectious diseases through proper hygiene practices, this would help to reduce the mortality rate associated with those diseases.

On the other hand, patients who are already afflicted with several unpreventable illnesses, such as various forms of cancer, HIV/AIDS, and some hereditary diseases, require long-term treatment. Considering this, governments should extend support to these patients by implementing comprehensive medical care policies. For example, numerous free HIV medication programs are supported by local authorities, which demonstrate a commitment to helping those in need.

To conclude, both investing money in promoting a healthy lifestyle and allocating funds for the treatment of patients are equally imperative. Each nation should establish flexible approaches that are adaptable to diverse situations to effectively address both prevention and treatment.