It is suggested that all the young adults should undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people?

In today’s world, it is believed that it’s essential for the adolescent to take part in voluntary work assisting people in the community . I absolutely think that this situation brings more merits than drawbacks. In this essay, I will discuss the benefits of voluntary work and explain why it’s important to young people and the community.
Firstly, when participating in unpaid work, teenagers can realize the value of their life. Nowadays some young adults are not satisfied with their life because their parents cannot afford them what they want. But when participating in a voluntary project such as coming to a poor area and witnessing the children who do not have enough food to eat, live in temporary houses or cannot go to school because their parents lack money . Teenagers will realize how lucky they are to live in a full conditional house with many conveniences, go to school day by day and not have to think about financial burden . Therefore, they will be grateful to their parents and be more diligent in learning and working . From that, they can create more valuable experiences in their life
Secondly , unpaid work can also benefit society and individuals.It’s really important for young people who can share love , cherish or material to the people who are suffering from pain, diseases or older people with loneliness. For all of those actions, both people who receive the love or give the love are happy and excited. People who get voluntary work will feel that they are not lonely and it’s like they have more strength to deal with their pain and adversity. In addition , society will become more and more mild with love between people.
In conclusion, unpaid work not only benefits adolescents but also the community . In the future, the government in each area should organize more voluntary activities and encourage teenagers to participate . These activities will bring lots of memorable moments to teenagers and help them realize the meaning of life.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"it’s essential" -> "it is essential"
Explanation: Removing the contraction "it’s" and replacing it with "it is" adheres to the formal tone required in academic writing, avoiding contractions in formal texts.
"I absolutely think" -> "I firmly believe"
Explanation: "I absolutely think" is somewhat informal and colloquial. "I firmly believe" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.
"merits than drawbacks" -> "advantages over disadvantages"
Explanation: "Merits" is less commonly used in this context and can be vague. "Advantages over disadvantages" is clearer and more precise.
"unpaid work" -> "voluntary work"
Explanation: "Unpaid work" can be ambiguous; "voluntary work" specifically conveys the idea of work done without payment, which is more precise in this context.
"can realize the value of their life" -> "can gain insight into the value of their lives"
Explanation: "Realize the value of their life" is somewhat awkward and informal. "Gain insight into the value of their lives" is more formal and flows better in academic writing.
"cannot afford them what they want" -> "cannot provide them with what they desire"
Explanation: "Cannot afford them what they want" is informal and vague. "Cannot provide them with what they desire" is more precise and formal.
"coming to a poor area" -> "visiting impoverished areas"
Explanation: "Coming to a poor area" is informal and imprecise. "Visiting impoverished areas" is more formal and specific.
"do not have enough food to eat" -> "lack sufficient food"
Explanation: "Do not have enough food to eat" is verbose and informal. "Lack sufficient food" is concise and maintains a formal tone.
"live in temporary houses" -> "reside in temporary accommodations"
Explanation: "Live in temporary houses" is informal and imprecise. "Reside in temporary accommodations" is more formal and appropriate for academic writing.
"cannot go to school because their parents lack money" -> "are unable to attend school due to their parents’ financial constraints"
Explanation: "Cannot go to school because their parents lack money" is informal and lacks precision. The suggested alternative is more formal and detailed.
"full conditional house" -> "fully equipped home"
Explanation: "Full conditional house" is unclear and incorrect. "Fully equipped home" is the correct phrase and is more precise.
"not have to think about financial burden" -> "are not burdened by financial concerns"
Explanation: "Not have to think about financial burden" is awkward and informal. "Are not burdened by financial concerns" is more formal and flows better in academic writing.
"share love, cherish or material to the people" -> "share love, cherish, or provide material support to those in need"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The suggested revision corrects the grammar and clarifies the meaning.
"society will become more and more mild with love between people" -> "society will become increasingly compassionate through interpersonal love"
Explanation: "More and more mild with love between people" is awkward and unclear. "Increasingly compassionate through interpersonal love" is more precise and formal.
"the government in each area should organize more voluntary activities" -> "governments should organize more community service initiatives"
Explanation: "The government in each area" is redundant and informal. "Governments" is more general and formal, and "community service initiatives" is a more precise term than "voluntary activities."
"bring lots of memorable moments" -> "yield numerous memorable experiences"
Explanation: "Bring lots of memorable moments" is informal and colloquial. "Yield numerous memorable experiences" is more formal and suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the benefits of unpaid work for both young people and the community. The author effectively identifies key advantages, such as personal growth for teenagers and emotional support for community members. However, the essay lacks a balanced exploration of potential drawbacks, which is a critical aspect of the prompt. For instance, it could mention issues such as the potential for exploitation or the impact on young people’s time and responsibilities.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should explicitly acknowledge and discuss at least one or two drawbacks of unpaid work. This could involve considering the challenges young people might face when balancing voluntary work with their studies or the possibility that some community members may not benefit equally from such initiatives.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that unpaid work is beneficial, which is stated in the introduction and reinforced throughout the body paragraphs. However, the argument could be strengthened by providing more nuanced reasoning or acknowledging counterarguments, which would enhance the overall persuasiveness of the position.
- How to improve: The writer should consider incorporating a counterargument or a brief acknowledgment of the drawbacks mentioned earlier. This would not only demonstrate critical thinking but also allow for a more robust defense of the main argument, making the position clearer and more compelling.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the realization of life’s value and the emotional benefits of volunteering. These ideas are supported with examples, such as young adults witnessing poverty, which effectively illustrates the points made. However, some ideas could be further developed. For instance, the mention of "creating more valuable experiences" is vague and could benefit from specific examples or elaboration.
- How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more specific examples and elaborate on the implications of the points made. For instance, discussing how volunteering can enhance skills or provide networking opportunities could add depth to the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the benefits of unpaid work for young people and the community. However, there are moments where the focus could be sharper, particularly in the second body paragraph, where the discussion of emotional benefits could be more directly tied back to the community’s overall well-being.
- How to improve: To maintain a tighter focus on the topic, the writer should ensure that each point made clearly relates back to the central question of benefits versus drawbacks. This could involve explicitly linking each benefit discussed to the broader implications for both young people and the community, reinforcing the relevance of each point to the prompt.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of the drawbacks, deeper development of ideas, and tighter focus on the prompt. By addressing these areas, the writer could enhance the overall effectiveness and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument that supports the idea of young adults participating in unpaid work. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs follow a logical progression. The first paragraph focuses on the personal benefits for teenagers, while the second emphasizes the societal benefits. This organization allows readers to easily follow the writer’s line of reasoning. However, the transition between the two main points could be smoother; for instance, a more explicit connection between the personal growth of teenagers and the broader community impact would enhance coherence.
- How to improve: To improve logical organization, consider adding transitional phrases that explicitly link the ideas between paragraphs. For example, after discussing the personal benefits, a sentence like "Moreover, these personal insights can translate into broader societal contributions" could help bridge the two sections more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs appropriately, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the personal benefits of volunteering, while the second addresses the benefits to the community. However, the paragraphs could be more clearly defined with topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. For instance, the first paragraph could begin with a sentence that explicitly states the benefits of volunteering for young adults, which would provide a clearer focus for the reader.
- How to improve: Strengthen paragraph structure by starting each paragraph with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a consistent focus throughout. This will help readers quickly grasp the main points and improve overall clarity.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Secondly," and "In addition," which help to structure the argument and guide the reader through the points being made. However, the essay could benefit from a wider variety of cohesive devices. For example, the use of synonyms or phrases that refer back to previously mentioned ideas could enhance the flow. The phrase "voluntary work" is repeated multiple times, which could be varied to improve cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a range of linking words and phrases such as "Furthermore," "Additionally," "On the other hand," and "Consequently." Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help reduce redundancy and create a smoother reading experience.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs. By focusing on enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices, the writer can further elevate the clarity and impact of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "voluntary work," "adolescents," "benefits," and "community." However, the vocabulary tends to be repetitive, particularly with phrases like "unpaid work" and "voluntary work," which could be varied to enhance the richness of the language. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "voluntary work," alternatives like "community service" or "charitable activities" could be employed to add variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should focus on expanding their vocabulary by incorporating synonyms and related terms. Reading a variety of texts can help in this regard. Practicing writing with a thesaurus at hand can also aid in finding more diverse vocabulary choices.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains some instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "realize the value of their life" could be better articulated as "appreciate the value of their lives" to convey a clearer meaning. Additionally, the term "full conditional house" is unclear and may confuse readers; it seems to be an incorrect expression that does not accurately convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should ensure that they fully understand the meanings of the words they use. It may be beneficial to consult a dictionary or thesaurus to confirm the appropriateness of word choices. Practicing writing sentences with new vocabulary can also help solidify their understanding and proper usage.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay has several spelling errors, such as "adolescent" (should be "adolescents"), "conditional" (which appears to be an incorrect choice), and "cherish or material" (which seems to be missing a noun). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to misunderstandings.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should take the time to proofread their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools can help catch errors, but it is also important to manually review the text. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or using flashcards for commonly misspelled words can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary appropriate for the task, there are notable areas for improvement in range, precision, and spelling. By actively working on these aspects, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a fair variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For instance, the use of conditional clauses in "when participating in a voluntary project such as coming to a poor area and witnessing the children who do not have enough food to eat" showcases an attempt at complexity. However, the essay often relies on simpler structures, which can limit the overall effectiveness and sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and varied clause types. For example, using relative clauses more effectively could add depth, such as rephrasing "teenagers can realize the value of their life" to "teenagers, who often take their privileges for granted, can realize the true value of their life." Additionally, integrating more transitional phrases and varied sentence openings would improve the flow and coherence of ideas.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical inaccuracies and punctuation errors that detract from its clarity. For example, the phrase "the adolescent" should be pluralized as "adolescents" for consistency, and the sentence "But when participating in a voluntary project such as coming to a poor area and witnessing the children who do not have enough food to eat, live in temporary houses or cannot go to school because their parents lack money" is overly long and lacks proper punctuation, making it difficult to follow. Additionally, there are issues with comma placement, such as in "Secondly , unpaid work can also benefit society and individuals," where there is an unnecessary space before the comma.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, such as subject-verb agreement and punctuation placement. Breaking down long sentences into shorter, clearer ones can also enhance readability. For instance, the aforementioned long sentence could be split into two or three sentences to clarify the ideas being expressed. Furthermore, practicing the correct use of commas, particularly in lists and complex sentences, will contribute to a more polished writing style.

Overall, while the essay achieves a Band 7 for its grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical and punctuation accuracy will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, it is believed that it is essential for adolescents to take part in voluntary work assisting people in the community. I firmly believe that this situation brings more advantages than disadvantages. In this essay, I will discuss the benefits of voluntary work and explain why it is important for young people and the community.

Firstly, when participating in unpaid work, teenagers can gain insight into the value of their lives. Nowadays, some young adults are not satisfied with their lives because their parents cannot provide them with what they desire. However, when they participate in a voluntary project, such as visiting impoverished areas and witnessing children who do not have sufficient food to eat, reside in temporary accommodations, or are unable to attend school due to their parents’ financial constraints, teenagers will realize how lucky they are to live in a fully equipped home with many conveniences. They can go to school every day and not have to think about financial burdens. Therefore, they will be grateful to their parents and become more diligent in learning and working. From that, they can create more valuable experiences in their lives.

Secondly, unpaid work can also benefit society and individuals. It is really important for young people to share love, cherish, or provide material support to those who are suffering from pain, diseases, or loneliness. For all of these actions, both the people who receive love and those who give love are happy and excited. People who engage in voluntary work will feel that they are not alone, and it is as if they have more strength to deal with their pain and adversity. In addition, society will become increasingly compassionate through interpersonal love.

In conclusion, unpaid work not only benefits adolescents but also the community. In the future, governments should organize more community service initiatives and encourage teenagers to participate. These activities will yield numerous memorable experiences for teenagers and help them realize the meaning of life.