It is suggested that primary children should learn how to grow vegetables and keep animals. Do the advantages of this outweigh its disadvantages?

It is suggested that primary children should learn how to grow vegetables and keep
animals. Do the advantages of this outweigh its disadvantages?

These days, many educators recommend that younger generations should be educated with gardening and animal-keeping activities. In my point of view, I completely agree that this has more advantages than disadvantages.

Firstly, one of the most significant benefits of learning to plant vegetables and raise animals is related to intellectual growth for children. To be specific, through lessons and activities, children are able to observe the plant life cycle and understand the importance of different elements in animals’ growing process. For instance, reinforcing their knowledge gained from science and biology subjects helps students understand lessons better than just reading and memorizing theories in school textbooks since it provides hands-on experiences for students.

Another plus point, in terms of characteristics of younger generations, farming and animal-keeping activities help students build the [6] [] stronger connections to the natural world and a more eco-friendly perspective. For example, many primary schools and kindergartens in Japan have a garden with many types of vegetables such as lettuce, strawberries, eggplant, and potatoes… [8] [không viết tắt, viết ba chấm/etc trong văn học thuật] which are planted and taken care of by students.
On the other hand, these skills might be irrelevant because of the time commitment. The time commitment is still the case since gardening and animal care require regular attention and maintenance. To be more specific, there are several compulsory subjects such as math, science, literature, language that primary students have to study at school. As a consequence, primary children might be overwhelmed with their extracurricular activities and homework, thus putting burdens on young students since they spend time on gardening and animal-raising activities.

In conclusion, the relevancy of engaging primary school children in farming and animal raising is based on the benefits for the young in terms of intellectual growth and connections to flora and fauna, which are vital for their holistic development. However, the downside of time commitment should be addressed since young students might be overloaded by spending time for on farming and animal caring activities besides other compulsory subjects.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"These days" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "These days."
"In my point of view" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "From my perspective" is a more formal and academically appropriate phrase than "In my point of view," which is somewhat informal and redundant.
"has more advantages than disadvantages" -> "offers more benefits than drawbacks"
Explanation: "Offers more benefits than drawbacks" is a more precise and formal way to express the comparison, aligning better with academic style.
"To be specific" -> "Specifically"
Explanation: "Specifically" is a more concise and formal transition, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more conversational "To be specific."
"reinforcing their knowledge gained from" -> "reinforcing knowledge acquired through"
Explanation: "Acquired through" is a more formal and precise term than "gained from," which is somewhat informal and vague.
"helps students understand lessons better" -> "enhances students’ understanding of lessons"
Explanation: "Enhances students’ understanding of lessons" is more formal and precise, improving the academic tone.
"since it provides hands-on experiences for students" -> "since it offers hands-on experiences for students"
Explanation: "Offers" is a more formal verb than "provides," which is slightly less common in academic writing.
"Another plus point" -> "Another advantage"
Explanation: "Another advantage" is a more formal and direct term than "Another plus point," which is colloquial.
"stronger connections to the natural world" -> "deeper connections to the natural world"
Explanation: "Deeper connections" is a more precise and academically appropriate phrase than "stronger connections," which is somewhat vague.
"many primary schools and kindergartens in Japan have a garden" -> "numerous primary schools and kindergartens in Japan maintain gardens"
Explanation: "Maintain gardens" is more specific and formal than "have a garden," which is somewhat vague and informal.
"which are planted and taken care of by students" -> "which are cultivated and managed by students"
Explanation: "Cultivated and managed" are more precise and formal terms than "planted and taken care of," aligning better with academic language.
"The time commitment is still the case" -> "The time commitment remains"
Explanation: "Remains" is a more concise and formal way to express continuity, replacing the redundant and informal "is still the case."
"putting burdens on young students" -> "placing a burden on young students"
Explanation: "Placing a burden" is a more formal and precise expression than "putting burdens," which is less formal and slightly awkward.
"spend time on farming and animal-raising activities" -> "devote time to farming and animal-raising activities"
Explanation: "Devote time to" is a more formal and precise phrase than "spend time on," which is somewhat informal and less specific.
"besides other compulsory subjects" -> "in addition to other compulsory subjects"
Explanation: "In addition to" is a more formal and precise preposition than "besides," which is less commonly used in formal academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of teaching primary children to grow vegetables and keep animals. The advantages are clearly articulated in the first two body paragraphs, focusing on intellectual growth and a connection to the natural world. The disadvantage of time commitment is also mentioned, providing a balanced view. However, the discussion of disadvantages could be expanded to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the essay could include more specific examples or evidence regarding the disadvantages, such as potential stress on children or the impact on their academic performance. Additionally, discussing possible solutions or ways to mitigate the disadvantages would demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, as stated in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion. This position is supported by relevant arguments throughout the essay. However, the transition between discussing advantages and disadvantages could be smoother to reinforce the overall stance.
- How to improve: To improve clarity and coherence, the writer could use transitional phrases when shifting from advantages to disadvantages. For instance, explicitly stating how the disadvantages do not outweigh the benefits could strengthen the argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The ideas presented in the essay are relevant and well-supported with examples, particularly in the discussion of intellectual growth and eco-friendly perspectives. However, some points, such as the time commitment, could benefit from further elaboration. The use of specific examples from Japanese schools adds credibility, but the essay lacks depth in exploring the implications of the disadvantages.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the writer should aim to provide more detailed examples and explanations, particularly for the disadvantages. For instance, discussing how time management skills could be developed through gardening could provide a counterpoint to the argument about time commitment.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the educational benefits and drawbacks of gardening and animal-keeping for primary children. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt, particularly in the conclusion, which somewhat reiterates points rather than synthesizing them.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates back to the prompt. The conclusion could be strengthened by summarizing the key points and clearly restating the overall argument, emphasizing how the advantages indeed outweigh the disadvantages.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the task and presents a well-structured argument. With some enhancements in depth, clarity, and focus, it could achieve an even higher band score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a clear and logical organization of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the context for the discussion, presenting the writer’s viewpoint succinctly. Each body paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea, followed by supporting details. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the intellectual benefits of gardening and animal-keeping, while the second addresses the potential downsides related to time commitment. This structure allows the reader to follow the argument easily.
- How to improve: While the organization is strong, the essay could benefit from clearer transitions between the advantages and disadvantages. For example, a transitional phrase at the end of the first body paragraph could signal the shift to the counterargument, enhancing the flow. Consider using phrases like "Conversely" or "However" to explicitly indicate the transition from advantages to disadvantages.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, which contributes to its overall coherence. Each paragraph focuses on a single aspect of the argument, making it easy for the reader to digest the information. The conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points and reiterates the writer’s stance, providing a sense of closure.
- How to improve: To further enhance paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph not only has a clear main idea but also includes a concluding sentence that reinforces the paragraph’s focus. For example, after discussing the disadvantages, a sentence that summarizes the implications of time commitment on students would strengthen the argument and provide a more cohesive structure.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "Firstly," "Another plus point," and "On the other hand," which help to guide the reader through the argument. These devices effectively connect ideas within and between paragraphs, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay. However, there are instances where the use of cohesive devices could be more varied to avoid repetition.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Firstly" and "Another plus point," you might use alternatives like "In addition," "Moreover," or "Furthermore" to introduce additional advantages. Similarly, for contrasting ideas, phrases like "Nevertheless" or "Despite this" can add variety and enhance the essay’s cohesiveness.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion, with well-organized ideas and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can further elevate the clarity and flow of their argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. Words like "intellectual growth," "hands-on experiences," and "eco-friendly perspective" show an attempt to use topic-specific language. However, there are instances of repetitive phrasing, such as "learning to plant vegetables and raise animals," which could be varied further to enhance the lexical diversity.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should incorporate synonyms and related terms to avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeatedly using "learning" and "raising," they could use "cultivating," "nurturing," or "educating about" to introduce variety. Additionally, exploring more advanced vocabulary related to agriculture and environmental education could elevate the essay’s lexical range.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where precision could be enhanced. For instance, the phrase "the importance of different elements in animals’ growing process" could be more specific; it is unclear what "elements" refers to. Additionally, the term "characteristics of younger generations" is vague and could be clarified.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should aim to specify what they mean by "elements" (e.g., "nutritional needs," "habitat requirements") and clarify the "characteristics" they are referring to (e.g., "values," "attitudes towards nature"). Using more precise terms will strengthen the clarity of the arguments presented.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling and punctuation issues that detract from its overall quality. For example, the phrase "the relevancy of engaging primary school children" should use "relevance," and the use of ellipses ("…") in formal writing is inappropriate. Additionally, there are instances of missing articles and prepositions that affect the flow of the text.
- How to improve: To improve spelling and punctuation accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers can help identify errors. Furthermore, practicing writing in formal academic contexts will help familiarize the writer with the conventions of academic language, reducing the likelihood of such mistakes in future essays.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid attempt at addressing the prompt with relevant vocabulary, there is room for improvement in terms of variety, precision, and accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance their lexical resource and potentially achieve a higher band score in future IELTS writing tasks.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, including complex sentences and conditional clauses. For example, the phrase "through lessons and activities, children are able to observe the plant life cycle and understand the importance of different elements in animals’ growing process" effectively combines multiple ideas into one coherent sentence. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting several sentences with "For example" or "On the other hand," which can detract from the overall variety.
- How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases or transition words. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "For example," they could use "Additionally," "Moreover," or "To illustrate this point." Furthermore, integrating more compound-complex sentences could enrich the writing style. Practicing sentence combining exercises can also help in this regard.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "the characteristics of younger generations" is awkwardly phrased and could be more clearly articulated. Additionally, the use of ellipses ("…") in formal writing is inappropriate and detracts from the professionalism of the essay. The sentence "the downside of time commitment should be addressed since young students might be overloaded by spending time for on farming and animal caring activities besides other compulsory subjects" contains a grammatical error with "for on," which should be corrected to "on."
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should carefully proofread their work to catch awkward phrases and grammatical errors. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also be beneficial. Additionally, focusing on punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of ellipses and commas, will enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of the writing. It is advisable to replace informal punctuation with more appropriate formal alternatives, such as full stops or semicolons, to maintain an academic tone.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, addressing the highlighted weaknesses will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

These days, many educators recommend that younger generations should be educated through gardening and animal-keeping activities. From my perspective, I completely agree that this offers more benefits than drawbacks.

Firstly, one of the most significant benefits of learning to plant vegetables and raise animals is related to intellectual growth for children. Specifically, through lessons and activities, children are able to observe the plant life cycle and understand the importance of different elements in animals’ growing processes. For instance, reinforcing knowledge acquired through science and biology subjects helps students enhance their understanding of lessons better than just reading and memorizing theories in school textbooks, since it offers hands-on experiences for students.

Another advantage, in terms of the characteristics of younger generations, is that farming and animal-keeping activities help students build deeper connections to the natural world and develop a more eco-friendly perspective. For example, numerous primary schools and kindergartens in Japan maintain gardens with many types of vegetables such as lettuce, strawberries, eggplant, and potatoes, which are cultivated and managed by students.

On the other hand, these skills might be seen as irrelevant because of the time commitment. The time commitment remains a concern since gardening and animal care require regular attention and maintenance. To be more specific, there are several compulsory subjects such as math, science, literature, and language that primary students have to study at school. As a consequence, primary children might be overwhelmed with their extracurricular activities and homework, thus placing a burden on young students since they must devote time to farming and animal-raising activities in addition to other compulsory subjects.

In conclusion, the relevance of engaging primary school children in farming and animal raising is based on the benefits for the young in terms of intellectual growth and connections to flora and fauna, which are vital for their holistic development. However, the downside of time commitment should be addressed since young students might be overloaded by spending time on farming and animal care activities besides other compulsory subjects.