It is true that in a number of nations people must travel apart from their loved ones in order to get jobs. While there are several reasons why this tendency is beneficial, I would argue that the downsides are more significant.

It is true that in a number of nations people must travel apart from their loved ones in order to get jobs. While there are several reasons why this tendency is beneficial, I would argue that the downsides are more significant.

It is true that in a number of nations people must travel apart from their loved ones in order to get jobs. While there are several reasons why this tendency is beneficial, I would argue that the downsides are more significant.
Admittedly, there are several positive aspects of moving away from family and friends while finding work. First, because they have to migrate to another place to live, they have to live alone. Therefore, living alone can help them to develop a sense of independence and know how to tackle problems that occur in daily life, which leads to them having various experiences to handle challenges. Thus, those challenging environments will also significantly develop workers skills.These developed skills can lead to promotions and higher income in the workplace. Second, people will be free and not have any pressure if they live far away from their parents. For example, a young adult living hundreds of miles from her parents. In her vibrant city, she explores her passions, joins art classes, and makes new friends without the pressure of family expectations.
However, I contend that the aforementioned advantages are eclipsed by the disadvantages. The primary negative aspect is that living alone means people will not have any support from their family and friends. This leads to if people have to face challenges such as being ill, individuals must cope alone. Additionally, because of staying alone, when they feel tired or stressed, they will have no one to confide in. Therefore, they can be depressed and feel loneliness, which leads to their emotions being affected and the decrease in work quality.
In conclusion, although moving away from families and friends while finding work offers people some benefits, I opine that its drawbacks overshadow them.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "It is true that" -> "It is indeed the case that"
   Explanation: "It is indeed the case that" introduces a more formal and assertive tone, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more conversational "It is true that."

2. "people must travel apart from their loved ones" -> "individuals are compelled to relocate away from their loved ones"
   Explanation: "Individuals are compelled to relocate away from their loved ones" uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone and avoiding the colloquial "travel apart."

3. "this tendency is beneficial" -> "this phenomenon is advantageous"
   Explanation: "This phenomenon is advantageous" uses more formal vocabulary and avoids the vague "tendency," which can be seen as too general for academic writing.

4. "the downsides are more significant" -> "the disadvantages are more pronounced"
   Explanation: "The disadvantages are more pronounced" offers a more precise and formal expression than "the downsides are more significant," which is somewhat informal and vague.

5. "because they have to migrate to another place to live" -> "as they are compelled to relocate to a different location"
   Explanation: "As they are compelled to relocate to a different location" is more formal and precise, avoiding the redundancy of "to another place to live."

6. "they have to live alone" -> "they are required to reside alone"
   Explanation: "They are required to reside alone" uses more formal language and avoids the casual tone of "they have to live."

7. "know how to tackle problems" -> "develop the skills to address challenges"
   Explanation: "Develop the skills to address challenges" is more formal and specific, enhancing the academic tone by avoiding the colloquial "know how to tackle."

8. "leads to them having various experiences" -> "results in a variety of experiences"
   Explanation: "Results in a variety of experiences" is more formal and avoids the awkward construction of "leads to them having."

9. "will be free and not have any pressure" -> "will enjoy greater freedom and freedom from pressure"
   Explanation: "Will enjoy greater freedom and freedom from pressure" is more precise and formal, improving the clarity and formality of the statement.

10. "hundreds of miles from her parents" -> "hundreds of miles away from her parents"
    Explanation: Adding "away" clarifies the spatial relationship, making the sentence more precise and formal.

11. "she explores her passions" -> "she pursues her interests"
    Explanation: "Pursues her interests" is a more formal and academically appropriate term than "explores her passions," which can be seen as too casual.

12. "without the pressure of family expectations" -> "without the burden of family expectations"
    Explanation: "Without the burden of family expectations" uses more formal language and emphasizes the weight of the expectations, enhancing the academic tone.

13. "This leads to if people have to face challenges" -> "This results in individuals facing challenges"
    Explanation: "This results in individuals facing challenges" corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence.

14. "they will have no one to confide in" -> "they lack confidants"
    Explanation: "They lack confidants" is a more concise and formal way to express the idea, avoiding the colloquial "have no one to confide in."

15. "feel loneliness" -> "experience loneliness"
    Explanation: "Experience loneliness" is a more formal expression, suitable for academic writing, compared to the more casual "feel loneliness."

16. "leads to their emotions being affected" -> "results in emotional distress"
    Explanation: "Results in emotional distress" is a more precise and formal way to describe the impact on emotions, aligning better with academic standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the benefits and drawbacks of traveling away from loved ones for work. The introduction clearly states the argument that the downsides are more significant, which sets the stage for the discussion. The first body paragraph outlines the positive aspects of this tendency, such as developing independence and gaining new experiences. However, while the essay mentions several benefits, it could delve deeper into the reasons behind these benefits, providing more specific examples or evidence. The second body paragraph effectively presents the disadvantages, focusing on emotional and social challenges.
  • How to improve: To enhance this aspect, the writer should ensure that each part of the question is thoroughly explored. This could involve providing more detailed examples or statistics to support claims about the benefits and drawbacks. Additionally, addressing potential counterarguments could strengthen the overall response.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. This is evident in the consistent use of phrases like "I would argue" and "I contend," which reinforce the writer’s stance. However, the transition between discussing benefits and drawbacks could be smoother to enhance clarity. The phrase "However, I contend that the aforementioned advantages are eclipsed by the disadvantages" is a good transition but could be more explicitly linked to the previous points for better coherence.
  • How to improve: To improve clarity and consistency, the writer should use transitional phrases that explicitly connect the benefits to the drawbacks. For example, after discussing the benefits, a sentence that summarizes how these benefits could lead to challenges would create a more cohesive argument.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the benefits and drawbacks of living away from loved ones. The benefits are supported with examples, such as the young adult exploring passions in a new city. However, the support for these ideas could be more robust. For instance, the discussion of independence lacks depth; elaborating on how independence translates into professional success would strengthen the argument. The drawbacks are well-articulated, particularly the emotional toll of loneliness, but could benefit from additional examples or evidence.
  • How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point with more detailed examples or evidence. This could include personal anecdotes, hypothetical scenarios, or referencing studies that highlight the emotional effects of living alone.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of traveling away from loved ones for work. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of "various experiences to handle challenges" in the benefits section is somewhat vague and could be more directly related to the job context.
  • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central argument. Avoiding vague statements and ensuring that all examples clearly illustrate the benefits or drawbacks in relation to the job context will help keep the essay on track.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the task and presents a clear argument, there is room for improvement in depth of analysis, clarity of transitions, and the specificity of examples. By addressing these areas, the writer can enhance the overall effectiveness of their response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction that outlines the topic and the writer’s stance. The body paragraphs are organized to first discuss the benefits of moving away for work, followed by the drawbacks. Each paragraph logically progresses from one idea to the next, with the first body paragraph focusing on the advantages and the second on the disadvantages. For example, the transition from discussing independence to the potential for promotions is smooth and coherent. However, the connection between the ideas could be strengthened, particularly in the transition between benefits and drawbacks.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using clearer topic sentences that explicitly state the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, integrating transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "Conversely") at the beginning of the second body paragraph would help signal the shift from advantages to disadvantages more effectively.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph discusses the positive aspects of moving away, while the second addresses the negative consequences. However, the second body paragraph could be further divided to separately address the emotional impact and the practical implications of living alone, which would enhance clarity.
  • How to improve: Consider breaking the second body paragraph into two distinct paragraphs: one focusing on emotional impacts (e.g., loneliness, depression) and another on practical challenges (e.g., lack of support during illness). This would allow for a more thorough exploration of each point and improve overall readability.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first," "second," "however," and "therefore," which help to connect ideas and maintain flow. The use of examples, such as the young adult exploring her passions, adds clarity and supports the argument. However, there is a tendency to rely on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
  • How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a broader range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "in addition," "consequently," and "for instance." This will not only enhance the richness of the writing but also improve the overall coherence by providing varied ways to connect ideas.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a strong command of coherence and cohesion with a clear structure and effective use of paragraphs, there is room for improvement in transitions, paragraph division, and the variety of cohesive devices used. Implementing these suggestions will help elevate the essay to an even higher level of clarity and coherence.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "migrate," "independence," "pressure," and "confide." However, there are instances of repetitive language, such as the use of "living alone" and "challenges," which detracts from the overall lexical variety. For example, the phrase "living alone" appears multiple times without variation, which could have been substituted with synonyms like "solitary living" or "individual residence."
  • How to improve: To enhance lexical variety, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "living alone," consider using phrases like "residing independently" or "solitary existence." Additionally, expanding the vocabulary related to emotions and experiences can enrich the essay’s content.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay contains some precise vocabulary, such as "develop a sense of independence," which effectively conveys the intended meaning. However, there are instances of imprecise usage, such as "the aforementioned advantages are eclipsed by the disadvantages." The term "eclipsed" may not be the best choice here, as it implies obscuring rather than overshadowing, which is the intended meaning.
  • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should consider the context and connotation of the words used. For example, replacing "eclipsed" with "outweighed" or "overshadowed" would convey the intended meaning more accurately. Furthermore, ensuring that phrases accurately reflect the argument being made will enhance clarity.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay shows a good level of spelling accuracy overall, with only minor errors. However, there is a notable mistake in the phrase "workers skills," which should be "workers’ skills" to indicate possession. Additionally, "loneliness" is misspelled as "loneliness" in the context of the sentence, which could confuse readers.
  • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully, focusing on commonly confused words and possessive forms. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing writing exercises that emphasize correct spelling can also be beneficial. Regular reading can help familiarize the writer with correct spelling in context.

By addressing these areas—expanding vocabulary range, ensuring precise word choice, and improving spelling accuracy—the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criteria.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "Admittedly, there are several positive aspects of moving away from family and friends while finding work" shows an understanding of more sophisticated grammatical forms. However, there are instances of repetitive structures, particularly in the second paragraph, where phrases like "living alone" and "they have to" are used multiple times, which detracts from the overall variety.
  • How to improve: To enhance the diversity of sentence structures, consider incorporating more compound and complex sentences. For example, instead of repeatedly using "they have to," you could rephrase sentences to use passive voice or different conjunctions. Additionally, varying the sentence openings (e.g., starting with adverbial clauses or phrases) can create a more engaging flow.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains good grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that affect clarity. For instance, the phrase "which leads to them having various experiences to handle challenges" could be more clearly stated as "which leads to them gaining various experiences in handling challenges." Additionally, punctuation issues arise, such as the missing comma in "skills.These developed skills" which should be "skills. These developed skills." These errors can disrupt the reader’s understanding.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to proofread the essay for common errors, particularly in punctuation and sentence clarity. Paying attention to sentence structure and ensuring that clauses are clearly separated will enhance readability. Practicing with exercises focused on punctuation rules and sentence clarity can also be beneficial. Furthermore, consider reading the essay aloud to catch any awkward phrasing or punctuation mistakes.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid command of grammatical range and accuracy, focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help elevate the score further.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indeed the case that in a number of nations, individuals are compelled to relocate away from their loved ones in order to secure employment. While there are several reasons why this phenomenon is advantageous, I would argue that the disadvantages are more pronounced.

Admittedly, there are several positive aspects of moving away from family and friends while seeking work. First, as they are compelled to relocate to a different location, they are required to reside alone. Therefore, living alone can help them develop a sense of independence and learn how to tackle problems that arise in daily life, which results in a variety of experiences to address challenges. Thus, those challenging environments will also significantly enhance workers’ skills. These developed skills can lead to promotions and higher income in the workplace. Second, individuals will enjoy greater freedom and freedom from pressure if they live far away from their parents. For example, a young adult living hundreds of miles away from her parents pursues her interests in a vibrant city, exploring her passions, joining art classes, and making new friends without the burden of family expectations.

However, I contend that the aforementioned advantages are eclipsed by the disadvantages. The primary negative aspect is that living alone means individuals lack support from their family and friends. This results in individuals facing challenges such as illness without anyone to rely on. Additionally, because of residing alone, when they feel tired or stressed, they will have no one to confide in. Therefore, they may experience loneliness, which results in emotional distress and a decrease in work quality.

In conclusion, although moving away from families and friends while finding work offers individuals some benefits, I opine that its drawbacks overshadow them.