I’ve just bought a new computer game. Do you like playing games on the computer – or have you got a Play Station? What else do you use the computer for?
I've just bought a new computer game. Do you like playing games on the computer – or have you got a Play Station? What else do you use the computer for?
Dear Nick!
How are you? I'm fine. Today I'm writing this letter beacause I want to answer your question. I often use computers to learn English or some subjects that require computer support. Of course, I still play computer games, watch movies and listen to music. But I don't often play games on the computer, probably because I'm very bad at games. I often lose without knowing the reason until my friend explains it. I often use the computer to do online homework, group work,… and some other tasks. I don't have a Play Station and it's not necessary. How about you? Do you often play computer games? Or do you use it for another purpose? Please answer my questions in the next letter you send me. I'm really looking forward to it.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Dear Nick!" -> "Dear Nick"
Explanation: The exclamation mark at the end of "Nick!" is informal and not typically used in formal letters. Removing it aligns with the formal tone expected in academic writing. -
"How are you?" -> "I hope this letter finds you well."
Explanation: "How are you?" is a casual greeting. "I hope this letter finds you well." is a more formal way to express a greeting in a letter. -
"Today I’m writing this letter beacause" -> "I am writing this letter because"
Explanation: "beacause" is a typographical error. Correcting it to "because" ensures proper spelling and maintains the formal tone. -
"I often use computers to learn English or some subjects that require computer support." -> "I frequently utilize computers to study English and other subjects that necessitate computer support."
Explanation: "often" is somewhat informal and vague; "frequently" is more precise. "Utilize" and "necessitate" are more formal than "use" and "require," respectively, and "study" is more academic than "learn." -
"Of course, I still play computer games, watch movies and listen to music." -> "Additionally, I also engage in computer gaming, watch movies, and listen to music."
Explanation: "Of course" is somewhat informal and conversational. "Additionally" is more formal and suitable for academic writing. "Engage in" is more precise than "play," and "computer gaming" is a more formal term than "computer games." -
"But I don’t often play games on the computer, probably because I’m very bad at games." -> "However, I do not frequently engage in computer gaming, likely due to my limited proficiency in these activities."
Explanation: "But" is informal and conversational; "However" is more formal. "Do not frequently engage in" is more precise than "don’t often play," and "limited proficiency" is more formal than "very bad at." -
"I often lose without knowing the reason until my friend explains it." -> "I frequently lose without understanding the reason until my friend explains it."
Explanation: "often" is informal; "frequently" is more precise. "Understanding" is more formal than "knowing," and "it" is vague; specifying what "it" refers to would enhance clarity. -
"I often use the computer to do online homework, group work,… and some other tasks." -> "I frequently utilize the computer for completing online assignments, group projects, and other tasks."
Explanation: "often" is informal; "frequently" is more suitable. "Utilize" is more formal than "use," and "completing" is more precise than "do." "Group work" is vague; "group projects" is more specific. -
"I don’t have a Play Station and it’s not necessary." -> "I do not possess a PlayStation, and it is not essential."
Explanation: "don’t" is informal; "do not" is more formal. "Possess" is more formal than "have," and "essential" is more formal than "necessary." -
"How about you? Do you often play computer games?" -> "How do you utilize your computer time? Do you frequently engage in computer gaming?"
Explanation: "How about you?" is informal and conversational; "How do you utilize your computer time?" is more formal and specific. "Frequently engage in computer gaming" is more precise than "often play computer games."
- "Or do you use it for another purpose?" -> "Or do you employ it for another purpose?"
Explanation: "use" is somewhat informal; "employ" is more formal and precise in this context.
- "Please answer my questions in the next letter you send me." -> "Please respond to these questions in your next correspondence."
Explanation: "Please answer my questions" is straightforward but informal; "Please respond to these questions" is more formal. "Correspondence" is a more academic term than "letter."
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by mentioning the use of computers for learning, playing games, watching movies, and listening to music. However, it does not fully explore the comparison between playing games on a computer and using a PlayStation, which is a significant part of the question. The response lacks depth in discussing the advantages or disadvantages of each gaming platform.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should explicitly compare and contrast playing games on a computer versus a PlayStation. This could involve discussing personal preferences, experiences, or the types of games available on each platform. Including specific examples would enhance the response and ensure all parts of the prompt are thoroughly addressed.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a somewhat clear position regarding the writer’s preference for using a computer for various tasks, but it lacks a definitive stance on gaming. The statement "I don’t have a Play Station and it’s not necessary" suggests a preference, yet this is not elaborated upon, leading to ambiguity in the overall position.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should explicitly state their preference for either computer gaming or PlayStation gaming and provide reasons for this preference. This could involve discussing personal experiences or the benefits of one platform over the other, which would help clarify their stance throughout the essay.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as using computers for learning and entertainment. However, these ideas are not well-developed or supported with examples. For instance, the mention of being "very bad at games" could be expanded to explain why that affects their gaming experience or preferences.
- How to improve: To effectively present and support ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. For example, they could describe specific subjects they learn using the computer or mention particular games they enjoy or dislike. Providing examples and personal anecdotes would strengthen the essay and make the ideas more relatable and engaging.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the use of computers and gaming. However, it occasionally strays into unrelated areas, such as the mention of watching movies and listening to music, which, while relevant to computer use, do not directly address the gaming aspect of the prompt.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should prioritize discussing gaming and its comparison to the PlayStation. They could briefly mention other uses of the computer but should ensure that the majority of the essay is dedicated to addressing the gaming question. This would enhance coherence and relevance to the prompt.
Overall, the essay falls short of the required word count, which significantly impacts the score. To improve, the writer should aim to expand their response by providing more detailed comparisons, personal experiences, and examples related to gaming on both computers and PlayStations. This will not only address the prompt more comprehensively but also enhance the clarity and depth of their writing.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents information in a generally logical order, starting with a greeting and an introduction to the topic. The writer effectively transitions from discussing computer usage for learning to leisure activities like gaming and watching movies. However, the flow could be improved by grouping similar ideas together more cohesively. For example, the transition from discussing computer games to online homework feels abrupt and could benefit from a clearer connection or transition phrase.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that outline the main idea. Additionally, grouping related activities (like gaming and watching movies) before moving to educational uses of the computer would create a smoother flow. Using transitional phrases such as "In addition," or "Moreover," can also help guide the reader through the essay.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay lacks distinct paragraphs, which can hinder readability and the overall coherence of the text. While the content is relevant, the absence of paragraph breaks makes it difficult for the reader to follow the different themes being discussed. Each new idea or topic should ideally start a new paragraph to signal a shift in focus.
- How to improve: Implementing paragraph breaks will significantly enhance the clarity of the essay. For instance, a new paragraph could begin when shifting from discussing gaming to educational uses of the computer. Each paragraph should ideally focus on a single main idea, which would help in organizing thoughts and making the essay more reader-friendly.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "of course," "but," and "probably," which help to connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices is limited, and the essay could benefit from a more varied use of linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion. For example, the use of "however" or "on the other hand" could provide clearer contrasts between ideas.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, using phrases like "in addition," "furthermore," or "conversely" can help to clarify relationships between ideas and improve the overall flow of the essay. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can also help in becoming more comfortable with their application.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant information, improvements in organization, paragraphing, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, particularly in the context of discussing computer usage and activities. Phrases like "learn English," "computer support," and "online homework" show an attempt to use relevant vocabulary. However, the range is somewhat limited, as many phrases are repetitive (e.g., "I often use the computer" and "I often play computer games"). This repetition indicates a lack of variety in word choice.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer could incorporate synonyms or related terms. For example, instead of repeatedly using "often," alternatives like "frequently," "regularly," or "commonly" could be employed. Additionally, using more descriptive adjectives or adverbs could enrich the text, such as "immersive computer games" or "interactive online homework."
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are instances of imprecision. For example, the phrase "I’m very bad at games" could be seen as vague; it does not specify whether the writer is referring to skill level, strategy, or something else. Furthermore, the term "computer support" is somewhat ambiguous and could be clarified to better convey the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should aim to clarify their statements. Instead of saying "I’m very bad at games," they could specify, "I struggle with the strategies required to win games." Additionally, replacing "computer support" with a more specific term, such as "educational software" or "online resources," would enhance clarity.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains a notable spelling error: "beacause" should be "because." This error detracts from the overall professionalism of the writing and may impact the reader’s understanding. While the rest of the spelling appears to be correct, the presence of even a single error can influence the perception of the writer’s language proficiency.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should consider implementing proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can help reduce errors in future writing.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid foundation in vocabulary use, there are clear areas for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling. By diversifying word choice, clarifying meanings, and enhancing spelling accuracy, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in the Lexical Resource criterion.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and some complex sentences. For instance, the use of "I often use computers to learn English or some subjects that require computer support" showcases a compound structure. However, the essay primarily relies on simple sentences, which limits the overall complexity and sophistication of the writing. The phrase "I often lose without knowing the reason until my friend explains it" is an example of a complex sentence, but such structures are not consistently utilized throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of sentence structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences and varied conjunctions. For example, instead of saying "I don’t have a Play Station and it’s not necessary," the writer could use a more complex structure: "Although I don’t have a Play Station, I believe it is not necessary for my gaming needs." Additionally, experimenting with different sentence beginnings and using a mix of active and passive voice could further diversify the writing style.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that affect clarity and coherence. For instance, the misspelling of "because" as "beacause" is a notable error. Additionally, the use of commas is inconsistent; for example, in the phrase "I often use the computer to do online homework, group work,… and some other tasks," the ellipsis is inappropriate and should be replaced with a more standard punctuation mark. The sentence "But I don’t often play games on the computer, probably because I’m very bad at games" could also be improved by avoiding the informal "But" at the start, which is generally less acceptable in formal writing.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay to catch spelling errors and ensure correct punctuation usage. Practicing the rules of comma placement, especially in compound and complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Additionally, the writer should familiarize themselves with common grammatical structures and rules, such as subject-verb agreement and the correct use of conjunctions. Engaging in exercises that focus on these areas can help solidify understanding and application in future writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of basic grammatical structures, there is room for improvement in complexity and accuracy. By diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision, the writer can aim for a higher band score in future assessments.
Bài sửa mẫu
Dear Nick,
How are you? I hope this letter finds you well. I’m fine. Today I am writing this letter because I want to answer your question. I often utilize computers to learn English and other subjects that necessitate computer support. Of course, I still play computer games, watch movies, and listen to music. However, I do not frequently engage in computer gaming, likely due to my limited proficiency in these activities. I often lose without understanding the reason until my friend explains it. I frequently utilize the computer for completing online homework, group projects, and other tasks. I do not possess a PlayStation, and it is not essential. How do you utilize your computer time? Do you frequently engage in computer gaming, or do you employ it for another purpose? Please respond to these questions in your next correspondence. I’m really looking forward to it.
Best regards,
[Your Name]