Kids nowadays have their own smartphones. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantage?

Nowadays, it’s increasingly common for children to own smartphones. This phenomenon brings both opportunities and challenges to their development. While offering benefits in knowledge and connectivity, smartphones also have risks to learning, health, and social skills. Do the positive impacts truly outweigh the negative?
A clear example for this is that it has many sources of information for study, education such as learning online, searching the documents,… In addition, some kids can improve their mindset very well with some videos about thinking. After the lesson, they really need to relax. But how can they relax with their smartphone? It’s really easy for them. They can use social media like Facebook, Instagram,… to chat with friends, or watch some types of film that they want, just type those films on Google and enjoy. Besides, they use smartphones for taking photos of scenery, daily life, or just the children themselves, then they can post on their social media account to save memories, get more online attention, or just update some information.
Despite the benefits it brings, the drawbacks are more significant. First, children may spend more time to play games, lead to they addict online games, and throwback of their study and grades. About real life relationships, a contrast is that you can add very much online friends, have an account with many followers, but in real life, you have difficulty talking with friends in life, especially their parents, that is the influence of afraid to communicate because the dependence of social media on their smartphone. More about the dependence of smartphone in education, students often use to do homework with an example answer on many websites, lack of brainstorming, lead to error in basic knowledge, not proactive with self-study and research the good information on study books. In addition, using some technological devices is bad for their health such as eye-strain, some problems with neural activity in their brain,….
About the influence of advantages and disadvantages, I think the disadvantages outweigh the others. For advantages, children can find it very easy, and really good for them in their daily routine and education. But the disadvantages, they find difficult to realize, a point of high contrast with the advantages. And in the long term, it causes many consequences that harm their health, their relationship, and the other in their future. As parents themselves, they should take measures to limit their children’s use of phones such as only allowing them for studying lessons, occasionally entertaining themselves in the evening with the healthy content on the films after stressful school hours….

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"Nowadays" -> "Currently"
Explanation: "Currently" is a more formal and precise temporal indicator suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "Nowadays."
"own smartphones" -> "possess smartphones"
Explanation: "Possess" is a more formal term than "own," aligning better with academic style by emphasizing the concept of ownership in a more formal context.
"This phenomenon brings both opportunities and challenges" -> "This phenomenon presents both opportunities and challenges"
Explanation: "Presents" is a more formal verb than "brings," enhancing the academic tone by suggesting a more deliberate and systematic introduction of both benefits and drawbacks.
"it has many sources of information for study, education such as learning online, searching the documents," -> "it offers numerous sources of information for study and education, including online learning and document searching"
Explanation: This revision clarifies and formalizes the list of examples, using "including" to introduce the items in a more structured and academic manner.
"some kids can improve their mindset very well with some videos about thinking" -> "some children can significantly enhance their cognitive abilities through videos on critical thinking"
Explanation: "Significantly enhance" and "cognitive abilities" are more precise and academically appropriate terms than "improve their mindset very well," which is vague and informal.
"After the lesson, they really need to relax" -> "Following the lesson, they require relaxation"
Explanation: "Following" is more formal than "After," and "require relaxation" is a more precise and formal way to express the need for rest.
"It’s really easy for them" -> "It is relatively straightforward for them"
Explanation: Replacing "It’s" with "It is" corrects the contraction, and "relatively straightforward" is a more formal alternative to "really easy."
"watch some types of film that they want, just type those films on Google and enjoy" -> "view various films of their choice by searching for them on Google"
Explanation: "View" is more formal than "watch," and "various films of their choice" is more precise than "some types of film that they want."
"use smartphones for taking photos of scenery, daily life, or just the children themselves" -> "utilize smartphones to capture images of landscapes, daily life, or self-portraits"
Explanation: "Utilize" and "capture images" are more formal and precise than "use" and "taking photos," and "self-portraits" is a more formal term than "just the children themselves."
"throwback of their study and grades" -> "neglect of their studies and academic performance"
Explanation: "Neglect of their studies and academic performance" is a more precise and formal way to describe the consequences of excessive smartphone use on academic outcomes.
"add very much online friends" -> "make numerous online connections"
Explanation: "Make numerous online connections" is more formal and accurate than "add very much online friends," which is colloquial and vague.
"have difficulty talking with friends in life" -> "experience challenges in communicating with friends in person"
Explanation: "Experience challenges in communicating with friends in person" is more specific and formal than "have difficulty talking with friends in life."
"the dependence of smartphone" -> "the dependence on smartphones"
Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error by adding "on" to make the phrase grammatically correct.
"using some technological devices is bad for their health" -> "the use of certain technological devices is detrimental to their health"
Explanation: "The use of certain technological devices is detrimental to their health" is more formal and precise, replacing the informal "using some technological devices is bad for their health."
"eye-strain, some problems with neural activity in their brain" -> "eye strain, and neurological issues"
Explanation: "Eye strain, and neurological issues" is a more formal and concise way to describe the health risks associated with smartphone use.
"the disadvantages, they find difficult to realize" -> "the disadvantages, which they often fail to recognize"
Explanation: "Which they often fail to recognize" is more formal and precise than "they find difficult to realize," improving the academic tone.
"a point of high contrast with the advantages" -> "a significant disparity with the advantages"
Explanation: "A significant disparity with the advantages" is more formal and academically appropriate than "a point of high contrast with the advantages."
"it causes many consequences that harm their health, their relationship, and the other in their future" -> "it leads to numerous consequences that negatively impact their health, relationships, and future prospects"
Explanation: "Leads to numerous consequences that negatively impact their health, relationships, and future prospects" is more formal and precise, improving clarity and formality.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of children owning smartphones. It identifies benefits such as access to information and social connectivity, while also highlighting significant drawbacks like addiction to games and negative impacts on social skills. However, the essay could benefit from a more structured approach to clearly delineate the advantages and disadvantages, as well as a more explicit comparison of their weight.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly outline the advantages and disadvantages in separate paragraphs, possibly using a point-by-point structure. This would allow for a more balanced discussion and a clearer conclusion regarding whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay concludes with the writer’s position that disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, the position is somewhat muddled by the way it is presented. The phrase "I think the disadvantages outweigh the others" could be more assertively stated, and the reasoning provided could be more robust and cohesive.
- How to improve: The writer should state their position clearly in the introduction and reinforce it throughout the essay. Using transitional phrases such as "In conclusion" or "Ultimately" can help signal the writer’s stance more effectively. Additionally, providing stronger, more direct arguments in support of the position would enhance clarity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas related to the advantages and disadvantages of smartphone use among children. However, some points lack depth and supporting evidence. For instance, the claim about addiction to online games is made but not elaborated upon with specific examples or statistics. Similarly, the discussion of health issues is mentioned but could be expanded with more detail on the consequences.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. Providing specific examples, such as studies on screen time effects or quotes from experts, would lend credibility to the arguments. Additionally, ensuring that each idea is fully developed before moving on to the next would improve the overall coherence of the essay.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the implications of smartphone ownership for children. However, there are moments where the discussion becomes slightly tangential, such as the mention of social media without a clear connection to the main argument about advantages versus disadvantages.
- How to improve: The writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the central question of whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. This can be achieved by regularly referring back to the prompt in each paragraph and ensuring that all examples and explanations are relevant to the main argument.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents relevant points, it could benefit from clearer structure, stronger argumentation, and more detailed support for its claims. By addressing these areas, the writer can aim for a higher band score in Task Response.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing advantages and disadvantages, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing advantages to disadvantages feels abrupt. The essay starts with advantages but does not clearly delineate the shift to disadvantages, which can confuse the reader. Additionally, some points within paragraphs are not fully developed, leading to a lack of clarity in the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clear topic sentences for each paragraph that outline the main idea. Use transitional phrases (e.g., "On the other hand," "Conversely") to signal shifts in argument. Structuring the essay with a clear separation between advantages and disadvantages, perhaps with distinct paragraphs for each, would also help clarify the argument.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their effectiveness varies. Some paragraphs contain multiple ideas that could be better served by splitting them into separate paragraphs. For example, the paragraph discussing the benefits of smartphones mixes educational advantages with social media use, which can dilute the focus of the argument. The paragraph on disadvantages also combines several points, making it harder for the reader to follow.
- How to improve: Aim for one main idea per paragraph. For instance, create one paragraph solely focused on educational benefits and another on social media benefits. Similarly, separate the discussion of health issues and social skills into distinct paragraphs. This will enhance readability and allow for deeper exploration of each point.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "In addition," "Besides," and "Despite," but their use is somewhat repetitive. The essay lacks a variety of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel monotonous. Additionally, some transitions are not used effectively; for example, "But how can they relax with their smartphone?" introduces a question that disrupts the flow rather than smoothly transitioning to the next point.
- How to improve: To diversify cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Furthermore," "Moreover," "Consequently," and "As a result." Additionally, consider using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain coherence without repetitive phrasing. For example, instead of repeatedly saying "smartphone," use "these devices" or "such technology" in subsequent references.

By addressing these areas, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately improving its overall effectiveness in communicating the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "phenomenon," "connectivity," and "dependencies." However, the vocabulary used is often repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrase "smartphones also have risks" could be enhanced by using synonyms such as "drawbacks" or "challenges." Additionally, phrases like "very easy for them" and "really good for them" are overly simplistic and could benefit from more sophisticated alternatives.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of vocabulary, the writer should explore synonyms and more complex phrases. For example, instead of "really easy," one could say "remarkably convenient." Engaging with a thesaurus or vocabulary-building exercises could help diversify word choice.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "throwback of their study and grades," which is unclear and awkward. The phrase "add very much online friends" should be revised to "add many online friends" for clarity. Additionally, the term "influence of afraid to communicate" is confusing and could be more clearly expressed as "fear of communication."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and appropriateness of word choice. Reading more academic texts can help in understanding how to use words in context. Practicing paraphrasing sentences can also aid in developing a more precise vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "addict" (should be "addicted"), "lead to they addict online games" (should be "leading to their addiction to online games"), and "neural activity in their brain" (the term "neural" is correct, but the context could be clearer). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, possibly reading it aloud to catch errors. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing spelling difficult words can also be beneficial. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can help improve spelling skills.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a basic understanding of vocabulary relevant to the topic, there is significant room for improvement in terms of range, precision, and spelling accuracy. Engaging in targeted vocabulary exercises, practicing precise language, and implementing effective proofreading strategies will help elevate the lexical resource score in future essays.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of phrases like "Despite the benefits it brings" and "In addition, using some technological devices is bad for their health" shows an attempt at complexity. However, many sentences are overly simplistic or awkwardly constructed, such as "they can post on their social media account to save memories, get more online attention, or just update some information." This sentence could be more effectively structured to enhance clarity and engagement.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice combining shorter sentences into more complex ones, using relative clauses, and varying the sentence openings. For instance, instead of starting multiple sentences with "they," the writer could use introductory phrases or clauses to create more varied sentence beginnings. Additionally, incorporating more transitional phrases could help in linking ideas more fluidly.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues. For instance, "lead to they addict online games" should be corrected to "leading to their addiction to online games." Additionally, the phrase "about the dependence of afraid to communicate" is awkward and unclear. Punctuation errors include the misuse of commas, such as in "such as eye-strain, some problems with neural activity in their brain,…." where the ellipsis is unnecessary and incorrect in this context.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and the correct use of prepositions. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on sentence construction can be beneficial. For punctuation, the writer should familiarize themselves with the rules regarding commas and periods, ensuring that sentences are not only grammatically correct but also clearly punctuated. Reading more academic texts can also help in understanding proper sentence structure and punctuation usage.

In summary, while the essay shows an understanding of the topic and attempts to present a balanced view, there is significant room for improvement in both grammatical range and accuracy. By focusing on diversifying sentence structures and enhancing grammatical precision, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

**Improved Essay:**

Currently, it’s increasingly common for children to possess smartphones. This phenomenon presents both opportunities and challenges to their development. While smartphones offer benefits in knowledge and connectivity, they also pose risks to learning, health, and social skills. Do the positive impacts truly outweigh the negative?

A clear example of the advantages is that smartphones provide numerous sources of information for study and education, including online learning and document searching. In addition, some children can significantly enhance their cognitive abilities through videos on critical thinking. Following the lesson, they require relaxation. But how can they relax with their smartphone? It is relatively straightforward for them. They can utilize social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram to chat with friends or watch various films of their choice by searching for them on Google. Moreover, they use smartphones to capture images of landscapes, daily life, or self-portraits, which they can post on their social media accounts to save memories, gain online attention, or simply update their status.

Despite the benefits, the drawbacks are more significant. First, children may spend excessive time playing games, leading to addiction to online gaming and a decline in their studies and grades. Regarding real-life relationships, while they can make numerous online connections and have many followers, they often experience challenges in communicating with friends in person, particularly with their parents. This dependence on social media can create a fear of face-to-face interaction. Furthermore, in terms of education, students often rely on smartphones to complete homework by copying example answers from various websites, which leads to a lack of critical thinking and errors in basic knowledge. This reliance also hampers their ability to engage in proactive self-study and research quality information from textbooks.

In evaluating the influence of advantages and disadvantages, I believe the disadvantages outweigh the benefits. While smartphones can be very helpful for children in their daily routines and education, they often fail to recognize the significant disparity with the advantages. In the long term, this dependence leads to numerous consequences that negatively impact their health, relationships, and future prospects. As parents, they should take measures to limit their children’s use of smartphones, such as allowing them to use their devices only for studying and occasionally enjoying healthy content in the evening after a stressful day at school.