Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.
Many governments think that economic progress is their most important
goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally
important for a country.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own
knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
In many parts of the world, governments have been focusing on the country's economic aspect as their most important goal. However, some people think that other types of progress need to be developed equally to the economy. To my perspective, I agree with the second opinion.
In many countries, especially the developing ones, the governments are seemingly focusing too much on economy and ignoring other aspects. This is explicable because most of these countries are not rich. Therefore, some problems have raised such as braindrain because the quality of social services is not enough. This, in long term, can lead to losing highly qualified workforce in these countries, making them remain the same position throughout many years later.
On the other hand, developed countries equally grow other types of progress as economy. This can both provide its people a quality life and also develop economic progress with other countries. An example for this is Germany. This country is not just only one of the richest in the world, but its people are also provided with plenty of benefits. One of those is education. It is focused intensely, which provide its residence a good knowledge. Therefore, Germany can reduce braindrain and even attract workforce from many other countries. The goverment also supports the country's workforce, making workers improve their productivity and thus contribute to the country's economy.
In my opinion, government should focus on more aspect rather than economy. Like Germany, if the life quality of its people is good, the economy can also grow tremendously. A good country is not just about economy, but it is also about residents' happiness and social quality.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"In many parts of the world, governments have been focusing on the country’s economic aspect as their most important goal." -> "In many regions, governments have prioritized economic development as their primary objective."
Explanation: Replacing "focusing on the country’s economic aspect as their most important goal" with "prioritized economic development as their primary objective" refines the language by using more precise and formal terminology, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence. -
"some people think" -> "some individuals believe"
Explanation: Replacing "some people think" with "some individuals believe" uses a more formal and precise term, which is more suitable for academic writing. -
"To my perspective" -> "From my perspective"
Explanation: "To my perspective" is grammatically incorrect. "From my perspective" is the correct prepositional phrase, which is necessary for formal writing. -
"the governments are seemingly focusing too much on economy" -> "governments appear to be excessively focusing on the economy"
Explanation: "Seemingly" is somewhat informal and vague; "appear to be excessively focusing" is more precise and formal, aligning better with academic style. -
"This is explicable because" -> "This is understandable because"
Explanation: "Explicable" is not commonly used in this context; "understandable" is the correct term, which is more appropriate for explaining reasons. -
"some problems have raised" -> "several issues have arisen"
Explanation: "Have raised" is incorrect in this context; "have arisen" is the correct verb form for describing the emergence of issues. -
"This, in long term" -> "This, in the long term"
Explanation: "Long term" should be hyphenated to form a compound adjective, which is grammatically correct. -
"can lead to losing" -> "may result in the loss of"
Explanation: "Can lead to losing" is awkward and informal; "may result in the loss of" is more formal and precise. -
"developed countries equally grow other types of progress as economy" -> "developed countries also develop other areas of progress alongside the economy"
Explanation: "Equally grow other types of progress as economy" is awkward and unclear; "also develop other areas of progress alongside the economy" is clearer and more formal. -
"provide its people a quality life" -> "provide its citizens a high quality of life"
Explanation: "Provide its people a quality life" is grammatically incorrect and vague; "provide its citizens a high quality of life" is grammatically correct and more precise. -
"It is focused intensely" -> "It is intensely focused"
Explanation: "It is focused intensely" is grammatically incorrect; "It is intensely focused" corrects the order of the adverbs for proper grammatical structure. -
"which provide its residence a good knowledge" -> "which provides its residents with good knowledge"
Explanation: "Provide its residence a good knowledge" is grammatically incorrect and awkward; "provides its residents with good knowledge" corrects the grammatical errors and improves clarity. -
"The goverment also supports" -> "The government also supports"
Explanation: "Goverment" is a typographical error; "government" is the correct spelling. -
"making workers improve their productivity" -> "enhancing worker productivity"
Explanation: "Making workers improve their productivity" is verbose; "enhancing worker productivity" is more concise and formal. -
"A good country is not just about economy, but it is also about residents’ happiness and social quality." -> "A well-functioning country encompasses not only economic prosperity but also the happiness and social well-being of its residents."
Explanation: The original sentence is vague and informal; the revised version uses more precise and formal language, enhancing the academic tone.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both views regarding the importance of economic progress versus other types of progress. The first paragraph discusses the viewpoint that economic growth is paramount, particularly in developing countries, while the second paragraph presents the counterargument that other types of progress, such as social services and education, are equally important. However, the essay could benefit from a more balanced exploration of both perspectives before presenting the author’s opinion.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each viewpoint is given equal weight and depth. For instance, the essay could include more examples or elaboration on the benefits of prioritizing economic growth, such as job creation or infrastructure development, before contrasting it with the importance of social progress.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The author clearly states their position in favor of prioritizing social progress over economic growth, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the two perspectives could be smoother, as the shift from one viewpoint to the other feels abrupt at times.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use transitional phrases that guide the reader through the argument. For example, phrases like "While it is true that…" or "Conversely…" can help clarify the relationship between the two viewpoints and reinforce the author’s stance.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the impact of brain drain and the benefits of education in Germany. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with sufficient evidence. For example, the claim about brain drain is introduced but not explored in detail, leaving the reader wanting more context and examples.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should aim to provide more detailed explanations and examples for each point made. This could involve discussing specific social programs in Germany that contribute to its success or providing statistics on brain drain in developing countries to substantiate claims.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the importance of economic versus social progress. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt, particularly in the elaboration of ideas. For instance, the phrase "a good country is not just about economy" could be better tied back to the specific types of progress being discussed.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. This can be achieved by frequently referencing the key terms from the prompt, such as "economic progress" and "other types of progress," throughout the essay to remind the reader of the central theme.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument. By addressing the areas for improvement outlined above, the writer can enhance the clarity, depth, and overall effectiveness of their response.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the importance of various types of progress beyond economic growth. The introduction effectively outlines the two perspectives, and the body paragraphs are organized to discuss the drawbacks of focusing solely on economic progress and the benefits of a more holistic approach. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, particularly when shifting from the discussion of developing countries to developed ones. For example, the connection between the issues faced by developing countries and the advantages seen in developed countries could be articulated more clearly.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly link ideas between paragraphs. For instance, after discussing the challenges faced by developing countries, a phrase like "In contrast" or "Conversely" could better signal the shift to the discussion of developed nations. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea will further strengthen the organization.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic, the second discusses the challenges in developing countries, and the third highlights the benefits of a balanced approach in developed countries. However, the conclusion could be more distinct, as it somewhat blends with the preceding paragraph.
- How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion is clearly separated and reiterates the main points discussed in the essay. A strong concluding paragraph should summarize the arguments and restate the writer’s opinion without introducing new information. Consider using a concluding phrase like "In conclusion" or "To summarize" to signal the end of the discussion.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "on the other hand," and "therefore," which help in connecting ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "This is explicable because" could be replaced with a more varied expression to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases. For instance, use "furthermore," "in addition," or "consequently" to connect ideas more fluidly. Additionally, consider using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned concepts, which can help in maintaining coherence throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeating "the economy," you could use "this focus" or "economic priorities" in subsequent mentions.
By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, ultimately enhancing the overall clarity and effectiveness of the argument presented.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms like "economic aspect," "braindrain," and "quality life." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety in expression. For instance, the phrase "other types of progress" is used multiple times without variation, which limits the lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. Instead of repeatedly using "other types of progress," alternatives such as "social development," "cultural advancement," or "non-economic progress" could be employed. Additionally, using more sophisticated vocabulary related to the topic, such as "socioeconomic factors" or "human capital," would elevate the essay’s lexical resource.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay conveys its ideas, there are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage that may confuse the reader. For example, "the governments are seemingly focusing too much on economy" could be more accurately expressed as "the governments appear to prioritize economic growth excessively." Furthermore, the term "braindrain" is used without proper context or explanation, which could lead to misunderstanding.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should ensure that vocabulary accurately reflects the intended meaning. Clarifying terms that may not be universally understood, like "braindrain," with a brief definition or context would enhance clarity. Additionally, using phrases that convey the intended meaning more clearly, such as "overemphasis on economic growth," would improve precision.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "goverment" (should be "government") and "residence" (should be "residents"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can distract the reader from the content.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt proofreading strategies, such as reading the essay aloud or using spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing commonly misspelled words and maintaining a list of frequently used terms can help improve spelling skills. Regular writing practice, along with focused attention on spelling, will also contribute to better accuracy in future essays.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, improvements in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling will help elevate the Lexical Resource band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the use of "In many parts of the world, governments have been focusing on the country’s economic aspect as their most important goal" showcases a complex structure with a dependent clause. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings, such as "In many countries" and "On the other hand," which can make the writing feel monotonous. The use of phrases like "This is explicable because" and "In my opinion" adds some variety, but overall, the essay could benefit from more varied sentence openings and structures.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using introductory phrases or clauses more frequently. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "In many countries," try variations like "Across various nations" or "In numerous developing regions." Additionally, incorporating more complex sentences with subordinate clauses can enhance the sophistication of the writing. Practice combining shorter sentences into more complex ones to improve fluency and coherence.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity. For instance, the phrase "some problems have raised such as braindrain" should be corrected to "some problems have arisen, such as brain drain." Additionally, the term "braindrain" should be written as "brain drain" to reflect standard usage. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "the governments are seemingly focusing too much on economy," which should be "the economy." Punctuation errors include missing commas, such as in "In my opinion, government should focus on more aspect rather than economy," where "the government" and "aspects" should be used for grammatical accuracy.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, it is essential to review the rules of subject-verb agreement and ensure that nouns are used in their correct forms. Regular practice with grammar exercises can help reinforce these rules. For punctuation, pay attention to the use of commas, especially in complex sentences and lists. Reading the essay aloud can help identify areas where punctuation may be lacking or where sentence structure could be improved. Additionally, consider using grammar-checking tools to catch errors before finalizing the essay.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, focusing on enhancing grammatical accuracy and diversifying sentence structures will help elevate the writing to a higher band score.
Bài sửa mẫu
In many parts of the world, governments have been focusing on the country’s economic aspect as their most important goal. However, some people think that other types of progress need to be developed equally alongside the economy. From my perspective, I agree with the second opinion.
In many countries, especially developing ones, the governments are seemingly focusing too much on the economy and ignoring other aspects. This is understandable because most of these countries are not rich. Therefore, several issues have arisen, such as brain drain, because the quality of social services is not sufficient. This, in the long term, may result in the loss of a highly qualified workforce in these countries, making them remain in the same position for many years to come.
On the other hand, developed countries also develop other areas of progress alongside the economy. This can both provide their people with a high quality of life and also enhance economic progress with other countries. An example of this is Germany. This country is not only one of the richest in the world, but its people are also provided with plenty of benefits. One of those is education. It is intensely focused on, which provides its residents with good knowledge. Therefore, Germany can reduce brain drain and even attract a workforce from many other countries. The government also supports the country’s workforce, enhancing worker productivity and thus contributing to the country’s economy.
In my opinion, governments should focus on more aspects rather than just the economy. Like Germany, if the quality of life of its people is good, the economy can also grow tremendously. A well-functioning country encompasses not only economic prosperity but also the happiness and social well-being of its residents.
