Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. So, sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

It is undeniable that sugary products are made in enormous amounts and people who regularly consume them will suffer some illnesses. Many people suggest imposing higher prices to those products in order to reduce the number of consumers. In my opinion, I agree with this statement and I would like to add a more practical solution to this trend.

Firstly, consuming many sugary foods or drinks can make you suffer some tremendous physical diseases. The corollary of this action can lead to rapid spikes and drops of the blood sugar level, which can lead to irritability or fatigue. An unbalanced diet with a high level of sugar is one of the fastest ways for young people to suffer obesity, which causes them to be inactive and have a tendency to live a sedentary life. Moreover, mental disorders can occur if they eat more sweet food than usual. Such habits can make them lose the ability to function cognitive system effectively, which can cause a decrease in memory or learning ability. Therefore, people can suffer both physical and mental issues if they continue in doing this trend.

The problem of overconsumption of sugary food can be tackled in many ways. Chief of these is raising the price of these types of food. This is predicated on the assumption that if such products are too expensive to afford, people will change their habits to a more balanced diet. Granted, one might argue that imposing an unaffordable price on these sugary products will result in the loss of jobs of many people, but this can be done by creating more vacancies for these employees in the healthy-food market. In addition, the government can launch public educational campaigns to encourage people to consume less such unhealthy food.

In conclusion, consuming many sugary foods is undeniably a fastest way to worsen your physical and mental health, and the solutions lie in the role of government in charging higher prices and changing their mindset.

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Errors and Improvements:

"sugary products are made in enormous amounts" -> "sugary products are produced in substantial quantities"
Explanation: "Enormous" is somewhat informal. "Produced" is a more formal term than "made," and "substantial quantities" conveys the idea effectively in a more sophisticated manner.
"Many people suggest imposing higher prices to those products" -> "Many people advocate for imposing higher prices on these products"
Explanation: "Imposing higher prices to those products" is grammatically incorrect. "Advocate for imposing higher prices on these products" is a more formal and grammatically correct phrase.
"In my opinion, I agree with this statement" -> "I concur with this viewpoint"
Explanation: "In my opinion" is redundant in formal writing. "I concur with this viewpoint" maintains formality and clarity while avoiding redundancy.
"Firstly, consuming many sugary foods or drinks can make you suffer some tremendous physical diseases." -> "Firstly, excessive consumption of sugary foods or drinks can lead to significant physical ailments."
Explanation: "Make you suffer some tremendous physical diseases" is overly simplistic and informal. "Excessive consumption" is more precise, and "significant physical ailments" is a more formal and precise term than "tremendous physical diseases."
"The corollary of this action can lead to rapid spikes and drops of the blood sugar level" -> "Consequently, this can result in rapid fluctuations in blood sugar levels."
Explanation: "The corollary of this action" is somewhat awkward and informal. "Consequently" is a more formal transition. "Fluctuations in blood sugar levels" is a more precise and formal term.
"An unbalanced diet with a high level of sugar" -> "A diet characterized by high sugar content"
Explanation: "Unbalanced diet with a high level of sugar" can be streamlined to "diet characterized by high sugar content" for conciseness and clarity.
"which causes them to be inactive and have a tendency to live a sedentary life" -> "resulting in physical inactivity and a propensity for a sedentary lifestyle"
Explanation: "Which causes them to be inactive and have a tendency to live a sedentary life" can be rephrased for clarity and formality to "resulting in physical inactivity and a propensity for a sedentary lifestyle."
"Moreover, mental disorders can occur if they eat more sweet food than usual." -> "Furthermore, excessive consumption of sugary foods may lead to the development of mental disorders."
Explanation: "Moreover" is more formal than "Furthermore." "Can occur" can be replaced with "may lead to the development."
"Such habits can make them lose the ability to function cognitive system effectively" -> "Such habits can impair their cognitive functioning"
Explanation: "Make them lose the ability to function cognitive system effectively" is awkward and informal. "Impair their cognitive functioning" is a more formal and precise alternative.
"The problem of overconsumption of sugary food" -> "The issue of excessive sugar consumption"
Explanation: "Overconsumption of sugary food" can be simplified to "excessive sugar consumption" for clarity and conciseness.
"Chief of these is raising the price of these types of food." -> "Foremost among these strategies is increasing the price of such food items."
Explanation: "Chief of these" is informal. "Foremost among these strategies" is a more formal and precise phrase.
"This is predicated on the assumption that if such products are too expensive to afford" -> "This assumption is based on the premise that if these products become unaffordable"
Explanation: "Predicated on the assumption" is somewhat verbose. "Based on the premise" is a more concise alternative.
"but this can be done by creating more vacancies for these employees in the healthy-food market." -> "however, this can be addressed by generating more employment opportunities in the healthy-food sector."
Explanation: "Vacancies for these employees" is somewhat awkward. "Generating more employment opportunities" is a clearer and more formal phrasing.
"In addition, the government can launch public educational campaigns" -> "Additionally, governmental initiatives can be implemented through public educational campaigns"
Explanation: "In addition" is more formal than "Additionally." "Governmental initiatives" is a formal term, and "implemented through public educational campaigns" provides clarity and formality.
"consuming many sugary foods is undeniably a fastest way" -> "excessive consumption of sugary foods undeniably accelerates"
Explanation: "Fastest way" is too colloquial. "Excessive consumption of sugary foods undeniably accelerates" is more formal and precise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the health problems associated with high sugar consumption and presents agreement with the idea of making sugary products more expensive to reduce consumption. Additionally, it proposes additional measures, such as creating more job opportunities in the healthy food market and launching educational campaigns.
- How to improve: While the essay covers all parts of the question, it could further strengthen its response by providing more specific examples or statistics to support the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position throughout, expressing agreement with the notion that sugary products should be made more expensive to deter consumption. Each paragraph reinforces this stance, and the conclusion succinctly reiterates the position.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity further, the essay could explicitly state the position in the introduction and ensure that every paragraph directly supports this stance without any ambiguity.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas effectively, with each paragraph logically extending from the previous one. It provides examples and reasoning to support the argument, such as the health consequences of excessive sugar consumption and potential solutions like job creation in the healthy food sector and educational campaigns.
- How to improve: To extend ideas further, the essay could delve into more nuanced discussions or offer counterarguments and rebuttals to strengthen the overall argumentation.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay largely stays on topic by discussing the health problems caused by high sugar intake and proposing making sugary products more expensive as a solution. However, there are minor instances where the discussion slightly deviates, such as mentioning job creation in the healthy food market.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the essay should ensure that all points directly relate to the central argument without introducing tangential topics. If additional ideas are introduced, they should be seamlessly integrated into the main discussion without distracting from the primary topic.

Overall, the essay effectively addresses the prompt by acknowledging the health issues associated with sugary products, presenting a clear agreement with the idea of increasing their prices, extending ideas with supporting examples, and largely staying on topic. To improve, the essay could provide more specific evidence, enhance clarity in presenting the position, extend ideas with deeper analysis, and ensure complete alignment with the central topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a generally logical organization of information. It begins with an introduction that presents the issue of sugary products and their impact on health, followed by body paragraphs that discuss the health problems associated with sugar consumption and proposed solutions. Each paragraph maintains a clear focus on its respective point.
- How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next, building upon the previous points. Additionally, consider providing more explicit topic sentences to guide the reader through the essay’s structure.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to organize ideas. Each paragraph addresses a specific aspect of the argument, such as health effects or proposed solutions, and maintains coherence within itself.
- How to improve: To strengthen paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that introduces its main idea. Additionally, strive for consistency in paragraph length to maintain a balanced structure throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transitional phrases ("Firstly," "In conclusion") and pronouns ("this statement," "such products"). These devices help connect ideas within and between sentences, enhancing overall coherence.
- How to improve: To further diversify cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider range of transitional words and phrases (e.g., "however," "therefore," "in addition") to establish stronger connections between sentences and paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that pronoun references are clear and unambiguous to avoid confusion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of coherence and cohesion, there is room for improvement in enhancing the logical flow between paragraphs and diversifying the use of cohesive devices. By implementing these suggestions, the essay can achieve even greater clarity and coherence, ultimately strengthening its overall effectiveness in conveying the argument.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, with varied terms used to discuss the topic. For instance, words like "enormous," "practical," "tremendous," "sedentary," and "predicated" showcase lexical diversity. Additionally, phrases like "the corollary of this action," "chief of these," and "public educational campaigns" contribute to the breadth of vocabulary usage.
- How to improve: To further enhance vocabulary richness, consider incorporating more specialized terms related to health, nutrition, and economics. For example, instead of using general terms like "fastest way," consider specific phrases like "exacerbate health conditions" or "exponential rise in health risks." Furthermore, integrating idiomatic expressions or figurative language could elevate the sophistication of expression.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, effectively conveying the intended meanings. For instance, terms like "sedentary" accurately describe a lifestyle characterized by little physical activity, and "unbalanced diet" precisely denotes a lack of dietary equilibrium. However, there are instances where vocabulary could be more precise. For example, the phrase "mental disorders" could be specified to indicate particular conditions, such as anxiety or depression.
- How to improve: Aim for greater specificity by using terminology that precisely delineates the concepts discussed. Instead of the broad term "mental disorders," consider employing more specific terms like "cognitive impairment" or "neurological dysfunction." Additionally, ensure that vocabulary choices align closely with the intended meanings to avoid any ambiguity or misinterpretation.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a satisfactory level of spelling accuracy, with minimal errors observed. However, there are a few instances where minor spelling mistakes are present. For example, "corollary" is spelled correctly, but there are occasional errors like "tackled" instead of "tackling."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-checking tools or proofreading techniques to identify and rectify any misspelled words. Additionally, actively engaging in reading and writing activities can help reinforce spelling skills and minimize errors. Developing a habit of double-checking spellings before finalizing the essay can also contribute to improved accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures, ranging from simple to complex. It employs diverse sentence types, including declarative, interrogative, and conditional sentences. Furthermore, the essay effectively utilizes transitional phrases and connectors to enhance coherence and cohesion. For instance, the author employs phrases such as "Firstly," "Moreover," and "In addition" to organize ideas logically and smoothly transition between points. Additionally, there is an attempt to incorporate complex sentence structures, such as subordinate clauses, albeit inconsistently.
- How to improve: To further enrich the grammatical range and sophistication of the essay, consider incorporating a wider array of complex sentence structures consistently throughout the text. Experiment with employing relative clauses, participial phrases, and varied sentence lengths to add depth and complexity to the writing. Additionally, strive for a seamless integration of advanced structures to ensure coherence and fluency.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of grammar and punctuation, with few notable errors. The majority of sentences are grammatically correct and effectively convey the intended meaning. However, there are instances of minor grammatical inaccuracies, such as subject-verb agreement issues ("people who regularly consume them will suffer some illnesses") and awkward phrasing ("Chief of these is raising the price of these types of food"). Additionally, punctuation is generally accurate, but occasional errors in comma placement and usage of punctuation marks detract slightly from the overall coherence and clarity of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on consistently applying subject-verb agreement rules and ensuring concordance between subjects and predicates. Review and revise sentences for clarity and coherence, paying particular attention to awkward phrasing and ambiguous constructions. Additionally, refine punctuation skills by mastering the appropriate placement of commas, semicolons, and other punctuation marks to improve readability and comprehension. Engaging in targeted grammar and punctuation practice exercises can aid in strengthening these essential writing skills.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a strong proficiency in grammatical range and accuracy, there is room for refinement in certain areas to elevate the clarity, coherence, and sophistication of the writing. By incorporating a wider range of complex sentence structures and refining grammar and punctuation skills, the author can further enhance the effectiveness and impact of their writing in conveying ideas persuasively and cogently.

Bài sửa mẫu

It is indisputable that sugary products are produced in substantial quantities, and individuals who regularly indulge in them are susceptible to various health issues. Many people advocate for imposing higher prices on these products to deter excessive consumption. I concur with this viewpoint and believe that additional measures can be taken to address this trend effectively.

Firstly, excessive consumption of sugary foods or drinks can lead to significant physical ailments. Consequently, this can result in rapid fluctuations in blood sugar levels, leading to irritability or fatigue. A diet characterized by high sugar content is a contributing factor to obesity, particularly among young people, resulting in physical inactivity and a propensity for a sedentary lifestyle. Furthermore, excessive consumption of sugary foods may lead to the development of mental disorders, impairing cognitive functioning. Such habits can lead to a decrease in memory or learning ability, affecting both physical and mental health adversely.

The issue of excessive sugar consumption can be addressed through various strategies. Foremost among these is increasing the price of such food items. This assumption is based on the premise that if these products become unaffordable, people will be incentivized to opt for a more balanced diet. Concerns regarding job loss in the sugary food industry can be mitigated by generating more employment opportunities in the healthy-food sector. Additionally, governmental initiatives can be implemented through public educational campaigns to raise awareness about the adverse effects of excessive sugar consumption and promote healthier eating habits.

In conclusion, excessive consumption of sugary foods undeniably accelerates the deterioration of both physical and mental health. Addressing this issue requires concerted efforts, including raising prices and educational campaigns, to encourage individuals to adopt healthier dietary habits.