Many parents put a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many parents put a lot of pressure on their children to succeed.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In today’s world, the topic of whether parents should place expectations on their children to succeed has sparked significant debate. In my opinion, I firmly believe that putting too much pressure on children can be harmful, as it leads to affect their mental health and hinders their ability to develop important life skills. Discussed below with several reasons in favor of my perspective.
To begin with, critics of excessive parental pressure argue that it often leads to negative effects on children's mental health. When parents set unrealistically high expectations, children may feel overwhelmed, resulting in stress and anxiety. This, in turn, can lead to mental health issues such as depression, especially if children feel they cannot endure these expectations. Moreover, children under constant pressure from their parents are likely to lose motivation over time. Instead of developing a genuine interest in their studies or other activities, they may start to see them as obligations. This can make children resent the very tasks they are being pushed to succeed in, thus reducing their overall enthusiasm for learning and personal growth.
Furthermore, a high-pressure environment can hinder the development of important life skills. For instance, children who are not allowed to fail or make mistakes may struggle with resilience and adaptability. This suggests that learning to cope with failure is crucial for success later in life, and without the opportunity to experience this, children may find it challenging to face real-world challenges.
On the other hand, some may argue that pressure from parents helps children succeed by pushing them to work harder. While this might be true to some extent, it is important to distinguish between encouragement and pressure. Healthy encouragement involves supporting children in their endeavors without creating a fear of failure, whereas pressure often leads to negative emotional outcomes.
In conclusion, I strongly agree that putting excessive pressure on children can have detrimental effects on their mental health, motivation, and ability to develop essential life skills. Parents should aim to encourage their children in a supportive manner, allowing them the freedom to learn, grow, and make mistakes without fear of constant judgment.

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Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "In today’s world" -> "In the contemporary world"
   Explanation: "In the contemporary world" is a more formal and precise phrase that enhances the academic tone of the essay.

2. "the topic of whether" -> "the question of whether"
   Explanation: "The question of whether" is more specific and academically appropriate than "the topic of whether," which is somewhat vague and informal.

3. "I firmly believe" -> "I strongly maintain"
   Explanation: "I strongly maintain" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, replacing the more conversational "I firmly believe."

4. "putting too much pressure" -> "exerting excessive pressure"
   Explanation: "Exerting excessive pressure" is a more precise and formal way to describe the action of applying too much pressure, aligning better with academic style.

5. "leads to affect" -> "leads to an affect"
   Explanation: "Leads to an affect" corrects the grammatical error in the original phrase, ensuring proper sentence structure and clarity.

6. "Discussed below with several reasons in favor of my perspective."
   -> "The following discussion will outline several reasons supporting my perspective."
   Explanation: "The following discussion will outline several reasons supporting my perspective" is more formal and clearer, avoiding the awkward and informal construction of "Discussed below with several reasons in favor of my perspective."

7. "critics of excessive parental pressure" -> "those who criticize excessive parental pressure"
   Explanation: "Those who criticize" is more precise and formal, specifying who is doing the criticizing, which enhances clarity and academic tone.

8. "often leads to negative effects" -> "frequently results in adverse effects"
   Explanation: "Frequently results in adverse effects" is more formal and precise, replacing the less formal "often leads to negative effects."

9. "children may feel overwhelmed" -> "children may experience overwhelming feelings"
   Explanation: "Children may experience overwhelming feelings" uses more precise language that is better suited for academic writing.

10. "This, in turn, can lead to mental health issues such as depression" -> "This may contribute to the development of mental health issues such as depression"
    Explanation: "This may contribute to the development of" is a more precise and formal way to describe the causal relationship, enhancing the academic tone.

11. "children under constant pressure" -> "children under persistent pressure"
    Explanation: "Persistent pressure" is a more formal and precise term than "constant pressure," which is somewhat colloquial.

12. "Instead of developing a genuine interest" -> "Rather than developing a genuine interest"
    Explanation: "Rather than" is a more formal transitional phrase than "Instead of," which is more conversational.

13. "they may start to see them as obligations" -> "they may perceive them as obligations"
    Explanation: "Perceive them as obligations" is a more formal and precise way to describe how children view tasks, aligning better with academic style.

14. "On the other hand" -> "Conversely"
    Explanation: "Conversely" is a more formal transitional phrase suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "On the other hand."

15. "some may argue" -> "some argue"
    Explanation: Removing "may" makes the statement more assertive and direct, which is preferred in academic writing for clarity and formality.

16. "encouragement and pressure" -> "encouragement versus pressure"
    Explanation: "Encouragement versus pressure" uses a more formal and contrasting structure, enhancing the academic tone and clarity of the comparison.

17. "fear of constant judgment" -> "fear of perpetual judgment"
    Explanation: "Perpetual" is a more formal synonym for "constant," which is preferred in academic writing for its precision and formality.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 9

Band Score for Task Response: 9

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position of strong agreement with the notion that excessive parental pressure can be harmful. The introduction outlines the topic and the writer’s stance, while the body paragraphs provide substantial reasoning and evidence to support this viewpoint. The discussion of both the negative impacts on mental health and the hindrance of life skills demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
  • How to improve: Although the essay is already strong, it could further enhance its depth by briefly acknowledging a wider range of perspectives on the issue. For instance, mentioning specific scenarios where parental pressure might lead to positive outcomes could provide a more balanced view, even if the overall stance remains critical.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout. The writer’s opinion is firmly established in the introduction and reiterated in the conclusion, with each body paragraph reinforcing this stance. The use of phrases like "I firmly believe" and "I strongly agree" helps to emphasize the writer’s viewpoint.
  • How to improve: To further strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could include transitional phrases that explicitly connect back to the main argument after discussing counterarguments. This would help to maintain focus and reinforce the primary stance throughout the essay.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents well-structured ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the argument. The points regarding mental health and the development of life skills are well-supported with logical reasoning and examples, such as the mention of stress and the importance of resilience. The counterargument is also effectively addressed, demonstrating a nuanced understanding of the topic.
  • How to improve: While the ideas are well-supported, the essay could benefit from incorporating specific examples or anecdotes to illustrate the points more vividly. For instance, referencing studies or statistics related to the effects of parental pressure on children could add credibility and depth to the argument.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, consistently addressing the implications of parental pressure on children. Each paragraph contributes to the central argument without deviating into unrelated areas, which is crucial for maintaining coherence.
  • How to improve: To ensure that the essay remains tightly focused, the writer should continue to regularly refer back to the prompt in each paragraph. This could involve reiterating the main question or key terms to remind the reader of the central issue being discussed, thereby enhancing the overall coherence of the essay.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a high level of proficiency in addressing the Task Response criteria for IELTS, effectively articulating a clear argument with well-supported ideas while maintaining focus on the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 8

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear and logical progression of ideas. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion by outlining the topic and the writer’s stance. Each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument, starting with the negative effects on mental health and then moving to the impact on life skills. The counterargument is well-placed, providing balance and demonstrating critical thinking. For instance, the transition from discussing mental health issues to the importance of resilience is smooth and coherent.
  • How to improve: To further enhance logical organization, consider using more explicit signposting phrases to guide the reader through the argument. For example, phrases like "Firstly," "In addition," and "Finally" can help clarify the sequence of points being made. Additionally, summarizing key points at the end of each paragraph can reinforce the argument’s structure.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas, with each paragraph focusing on a distinct aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, and the body paragraphs are structured around specific themes. However, the transition between the second and third body paragraphs could be smoother, as the shift from discussing mental health to life skills feels slightly abrupt.
  • How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that encapsulates the main idea. Additionally, consider adding transitional sentences at the end of paragraphs to link them more cohesively. For instance, after discussing mental health, a sentence that hints at the following discussion on life skills could enhance the flow.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good use of cohesive devices, such as "Moreover," "Furthermore," and "On the other hand," which help to connect ideas and maintain coherence. These devices effectively guide the reader through the argument. However, there is a reliance on a limited range of cohesive devices, which can make the writing feel somewhat repetitive.
  • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, consider incorporating a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "Moreover," alternatives like "Additionally," "In addition," or "Furthermore" can be employed. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas can enhance cohesion without overusing the same phrases.

In summary, the essay demonstrates strong coherence and cohesion overall, with clear organization and effective use of paragraphs and cohesive devices. By implementing the suggested improvements, the writer can elevate the clarity and fluidity of their argument even further.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable range of vocabulary, effectively employing terms such as "unrealistically high expectations," "overwhelmed," "motivation," and "resilience." These choices enhance the clarity and depth of the argument. The use of phrases like "detrimental effects" and "fear of failure" showcases an ability to convey complex ideas succinctly. However, there are moments where more varied synonyms could have been utilized to avoid repetition, such as the repeated use of "pressure" and "children."
  • How to improve: To further enhance lexical variety, consider incorporating synonyms or related phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "pressure," alternatives like "stress," "burden," or "strain" could be employed. Additionally, using more advanced vocabulary or idiomatic expressions could elevate the essay’s sophistication.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary with precision, particularly in articulating the negative consequences of excessive parental pressure. Terms like "mental health issues," "genuine interest," and "real-world challenges" are aptly chosen and contextually appropriate. However, the phrase "affect their mental health" in the introduction is slightly awkward. It would be more precise to say "can adversely affect their mental health."
  • How to improve: Focus on refining word choices for clarity and precision. For instance, instead of "affect," consider using "impact" or "harm." Additionally, ensure that phrases are grammatically correct and idiomatic; for example, "discussed below with several reasons" could be rephrased to "discussed below are several reasons." This would enhance the overall coherence and professionalism of the writing.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a high level of spelling accuracy, with no noticeable errors. Words like "excessive," "motivation," and "encouragement" are spelled correctly, contributing to the overall clarity of the text. This attention to detail reflects well on the writer’s command of the language.
  • How to improve: While the spelling is correct, it is always beneficial to engage in regular practice to maintain this standard. Consider using tools such as spell checkers or engaging in vocabulary-building exercises that include spelling components. Additionally, reading widely can help reinforce correct spelling through exposure to well-written texts.

In summary, the essay demonstrates a strong command of lexical resource, meriting a band score of 8. By incorporating a wider range of vocabulary, refining word choices for precision, and maintaining spelling accuracy, the writer can further enhance their writing proficiency.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, complex sentences such as "When parents set unrealistically high expectations, children may feel overwhelmed, resulting in stress and anxiety" effectively convey nuanced ideas. The use of conditional structures, such as "if children feel they cannot endure these expectations," further enhances the complexity. Additionally, the essay employs a mix of simple and compound sentences, which contributes to a varied rhythm and flow. However, there are instances of repetitive structure, particularly in the way arguments are introduced (e.g., "To begin with," "Furthermore," "On the other hand").
  • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures further, consider incorporating more varied introductory phrases or clauses. For example, instead of repeatedly using "To begin with," you could start with a rhetorical question or a contrasting statement to engage the reader more effectively. Additionally, integrating more passive voice constructions or inversion could add to the variety.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay largely maintains grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors. For example, the phrase "as it leads to affect their mental health" contains a grammatical mistake; it should be "as it leads to affecting their mental health." Punctuation is generally well-handled, with appropriate use of commas to separate clauses and enhance clarity. However, there are a few instances where commas could improve readability, such as before "especially if children feel they cannot endure these expectations," which could benefit from clearer separation.
  • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, it is crucial to proofread for common errors, particularly with verb forms and prepositions. Practicing sentence rephrasing can help identify awkward constructions. Additionally, focusing on punctuation rules, especially regarding complex sentences, will aid in improving clarity. Regularly reviewing grammar rules and engaging in exercises that target specific areas of difficulty can also be beneficial.

Overall, the essay reflects a strong command of grammatical range and accuracy, meriting a band score of 8. Continued practice and attention to the noted areas for improvement will help further elevate the quality of writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In the contemporary world, the question of whether parents should place expectations on their children to succeed has sparked significant debate. I strongly maintain that exerting excessive pressure on children can be harmful, as it leads to an adverse effect on their mental health and hinders their ability to develop important life skills. The following discussion will outline several reasons supporting my perspective.

To begin with, critics of excessive parental pressure argue that it often leads to negative effects on children’s mental health. When parents set unrealistically high expectations, children may feel overwhelmed, resulting in stress and anxiety. This, in turn, can lead to mental health issues such as depression, especially if children feel they cannot endure these expectations. Moreover, children under constant pressure from their parents are likely to lose motivation over time. Instead of developing a genuine interest in their studies or other activities, they may start to see them as obligations. This can make children resent the very tasks they are being pushed to succeed in, thus reducing their overall enthusiasm for learning and personal growth.

Furthermore, a high-pressure environment can hinder the development of important life skills. For instance, children who are not allowed to fail or make mistakes may struggle with resilience and adaptability. This suggests that learning to cope with failure is crucial for success later in life, and without the opportunity to experience this, children may find it challenging to face real-world challenges.

On the other hand, some may argue that pressure from parents helps children succeed by pushing them to work harder. While this might be true to some extent, it is important to distinguish between encouragement and pressure. Healthy encouragement involves supporting children in their endeavors without creating a fear of failure, whereas pressure often leads to negative emotional outcomes.

In conclusion, I strongly agree that putting excessive pressure on children can have detrimental effects on their mental health, motivation, and ability to develop essential life skills. Parents should aim to encourage their children in a supportive manner, allowing them the freedom to learn, grow, and make mistakes without fear of constant judgment.