Many people around the world use social media every day to keep in touch with other people and news events. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Many people around the world use social media every day to keep in touch
with other people and news events.
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?
Due to the contemporary world , there are growing concerns between individuals about the emphasis on keeping in touch with others and news via social media with innovative technologies . In my view , I fully support this way and believe that the perks could overshadow the drawbacks.
First and foremost , it is irrefutable that the digital age has dominated the society , throughout diverse arrays consist of acquainting news and keeping in touch with other people, which hold a crucial role in the current affair when they can connect with friends anytime and anywhere , break the law of direction and geographical barriers due to it convenience and rapidly access. Moreover , citizens can stay informed with the latest updates with the online magazines , which is highly accurate and free as it is created for dwellers to grasp information in various websites. For instance , if you are looking forward to a friend in foreign , instead of going to that country , you can talk with them through social platforms and enjoy your time on the screen with no cost , fast and convenient by its free access to connect with other people from long distance , which ensure the interconnectedness among individuals.
On top of that , a merit of online interaction could be outstanding about the thrive in knowledge between people is that it can share the literacy and news together , which foster a collaboration and social bond. The key rationale is that the online network is the environment that provides a variety of sources of information , which assists people fostering their knowledge by its fast and convenience , thus , people can access it easily and discuss them together , resulting in a sticky society. A bright example is if a person has a desire about something , they may ask people from the online network via digital platforms , which is extremely convenient and rapid . Hence , they might find new friends throughout the debates when they find out the resemblance between them.
In conclusion , the widespread usage of social media significantly affects people’s lives in a positive way , which assists them to stay in touch with friends and others anytime and several perks. The role of online networks hold a crucial role in the way people communicate and inform news due to the above-mentioned reasons.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Due to the contemporary world" -> "In the contemporary world"
Explanation: "Due to" is somewhat informal and vague in this context. "In the contemporary world" is more precise and formal, better fitting the academic style. -
"growing concerns between individuals" -> "increasing concerns among individuals"
Explanation: "Growing concerns between individuals" is awkward and incorrect. "Increasing concerns among individuals" is grammatically correct and more natural. -
"keeping in touch with others and news" -> "maintaining contact with others and staying informed"
Explanation: "Keeping in touch with others and news" is a bit informal and vague. "Maintaining contact with others and staying informed" is more precise and formal. -
"In my view, I fully support this way" -> "I fully support this approach"
Explanation: The phrase "In my view, I fully support this way" is redundant and informal. Simplifying it to "I fully support this approach" maintains clarity and formality. -
"the perks could overshadow the drawbacks" -> "the benefits may outweigh the drawbacks"
Explanation: "The perks" is informal and less precise than "the benefits." "May outweigh" is more academically appropriate than "could overshadow," which is less commonly used in formal writing. -
"the digital age has dominated the society" -> "the digital age has dominated society"
Explanation: "The society" is redundant with "society." Removing the definite article improves the sentence’s clarity and formality. -
"throughout diverse arrays consist of acquainting news and keeping in touch with other people" -> "through various means of acquiring news and maintaining contact with others"
Explanation: "Diverse arrays consist of acquainting news and keeping in touch with other people" is awkward and unclear. "Through various means of acquiring news and maintaining contact with others" is clearer and more formal. -
"break the law of direction and geographical barriers" -> "transcend geographical barriers"
Explanation: "Break the law of direction" is unclear and incorrect. "Transcend geographical barriers" is a more precise and appropriate term. -
"due to it convenience" -> "due to its convenience"
Explanation: "Due to it convenience" is grammatically incorrect. "Due to its convenience" corrects the possessive error and maintains grammatical accuracy. -
"you can talk with them through social platforms" -> "you can communicate with them through social platforms"
Explanation: "Talk with" is less formal than "communicate with," which is more suitable for academic writing. -
"enjoy your time on the screen with no cost" -> "enjoy the convenience of screen time at no cost"
Explanation: "Enjoy your time on the screen with no cost" is informal and slightly awkward. "Enjoy the convenience of screen time at no cost" is more formal and precise. -
"ensure the interconnectedness among individuals" -> "foster interconnectedness among individuals"
Explanation: "Ensure" is not the correct verb in this context. "Foster" is more appropriate for describing the development of connections. -
"a merit of online interaction could be outstanding about the thrive in knowledge" -> "a significant merit of online interaction is the enhancement of knowledge"
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and unclear. The revised version clarifies the meaning and improves formality. -
"share the literacy and news together" -> "share knowledge and information"
Explanation: "Share the literacy and news together" is awkward and unclear. "Share knowledge and information" is more precise and appropriate. -
"foster a collaboration and social bond" -> "foster collaboration and social bonds"
Explanation: "A collaboration and social bond" is grammatically incorrect. "Collaboration and social bonds" corrects the plural form and maintains grammatical accuracy. -
"the online network is the environment that provides a variety of sources of information" -> "the online network serves as an environment providing diverse sources of information"
Explanation: The original phrase is awkwardly structured. The revised version is clearer and more formal. -
"assist people fostering their knowledge" -> "help people foster their knowledge"
Explanation: "Assist people fostering their knowledge" is awkward and grammatically incorrect. "Help people foster their knowledge" corrects the verb form and improves readability. -
"resulting in a sticky society" -> "resulting in a cohesive society"
Explanation: "Sticky society" is an unclear and informal term. "Cohesive society" is a precise and appropriate term in academic writing. -
"if a person has a desire about something" -> "if someone has a desire for something"
Explanation: "A desire about something" is grammatically incorrect. "A desire for something" corrects the preposition and improves formality. -
"they might
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8
Band Score for Task Response: 8
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of social media usage. The writer clearly states their position that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, which is a crucial aspect of the task. However, while the advantages are elaborated upon, the disadvantages are not explicitly mentioned or analyzed, which could leave the reader wanting a more balanced view. The essay does touch on the positive aspects of social media, such as connectivity and access to information, but fails to acknowledge potential drawbacks like misinformation or reduced face-to-face interactions.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should include a brief discussion of the disadvantages of social media. This could involve mentioning issues such as privacy concerns, the spread of misinformation, or the potential for decreased personal interactions. Acknowledging these points would provide a more comprehensive answer to the prompt.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The writer maintains a clear position that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages. This stance is consistently supported throughout the essay, particularly in the introduction and conclusion. However, the lack of counterarguments or acknowledgment of the disadvantages may weaken the overall argument, as it could appear one-sided.
- How to improve: To strengthen the clarity of the position, the writer could briefly mention the disadvantages while reiterating their belief in the overall benefits. This would not only show a well-rounded understanding of the topic but also reinforce their position by contrasting it with the opposing viewpoint.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the advantages of social media, such as the ease of communication and access to information. These ideas are extended with examples, such as the ability to connect with friends abroad and the sharing of knowledge. However, some points could benefit from further elaboration or more specific examples to enhance clarity and depth. For instance, the mention of "online magazines" could be more specific regarding their impact on information accuracy and accessibility.
- How to improve: The writer should aim to provide more concrete examples and details to support their claims. For instance, discussing specific social media platforms and their unique features could add depth to the argument. Additionally, expanding on how social media fosters knowledge sharing with examples of successful online collaborations or communities would strengthen the essay.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the impact of social media on communication and information sharing. However, some sentences are overly complex and could lead to confusion, detracting from the main argument. For example, phrases like "break the law of direction and geographical barriers due to it convenience and rapidly access" could be simplified for clarity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and clarity, the writer should aim for more straightforward sentence structures and avoid overly complex phrasing. Keeping sentences concise and directly related to the main argument will help maintain the reader’s attention and ensure that the essay remains on topic.
Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, but it would benefit from a more balanced exploration of both advantages and disadvantages, clearer examples, and more concise language.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position on the topic, asserting that the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages. The introduction sets the stage for the argument, and the body paragraphs attempt to elaborate on this viewpoint. However, the organization within paragraphs could be improved. For instance, the first body paragraph introduces multiple ideas—such as the ability to connect with friends and access news—without clearly delineating them. This can lead to confusion about the main point of the paragraph.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, each paragraph should focus on a single main idea supported by relevant details. Consider using topic sentences to clearly state the main idea of each paragraph. For example, the first body paragraph could start with a clear statement about the benefits of staying connected through social media, followed by supporting details that elaborate on this point.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs, but their structure and effectiveness vary. The paragraphs are somewhat lengthy and contain multiple ideas, which can dilute the focus. For example, the second body paragraph discusses both the sharing of knowledge and the formation of social bonds, making it difficult for the reader to follow the argument.
- How to improve: Implementing a clearer paragraph structure would greatly benefit the essay. Each paragraph should ideally contain a single main idea, supported by examples and explanations. Additionally, consider breaking longer paragraphs into smaller ones to enhance readability. For instance, the second body paragraph could be split into two: one focusing on knowledge sharing and the other on social bonding.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "on top of that," and "hence," which help to connect ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive and could be diversified. For example, phrases like "due to it convenience" and "which ensure the interconnectedness" contain grammatical errors and detract from the overall coherence.
- How to improve: To improve cohesion, vary the types of cohesive devices used. Incorporate a mix of conjunctions, transitional phrases, and referencing words to guide the reader through the argument more smoothly. For example, instead of repeating "which," consider using "this," "these," or "such" to refer back to previously mentioned ideas. Additionally, ensure that all cohesive devices are grammatically correct to maintain clarity.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a clear argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices would enhance coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates an attempt to use a variety of vocabulary related to social media and communication. Phrases such as "digital age," "interconnectedness," and "online interaction" show an understanding of the topic’s vocabulary. However, there are instances of repetition and limited lexical variation, such as the frequent use of "connect" and "convenient." Additionally, terms like "merit" and "perks" are somewhat informal and could be replaced with more academic vocabulary.
- How to improve: To enhance lexical range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and more sophisticated expressions. For example, instead of repeatedly using "connect," alternatives like "engage," "interact," or "communicate" could be employed. Expanding vocabulary through reading academic articles or essays on similar topics can also help in finding more varied expressions.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay attempts to convey ideas clearly, there are several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, the phrase "break the law of direction" is unclear and seems to be a misapplication of vocabulary. Similarly, "highly accurate and free" when referring to online magazines lacks clarity and could mislead the reader regarding the reliability of sources. The phrase "sticky society" is also vague and does not effectively communicate the intended meaning.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately reflects their ideas. Clarifying phrases and avoiding vague expressions will enhance understanding. For instance, instead of "break the law of direction," the writer could say "overcome geographical barriers." Additionally, using more specific descriptors for sources of information, such as "reputable" or "trustworthy," would improve clarity.
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "its" instead of "it’s" (it is), "convenience" instead of "it convenience," and "dwellers" which is not commonly used in this context. These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and may confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully or use spell-check tools. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises and reading more extensively can help reinforce correct spelling patterns. Keeping a list of commonly misspelled words and reviewing them regularly can also be beneficial.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at using vocabulary related to the topic, improvements in lexical range, precision, and spelling are necessary to achieve a higher band score. Engaging with a broader range of vocabulary, ensuring precise usage, and focusing on spelling accuracy will significantly enhance the quality of the writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some variety in sentence structures, such as simple, compound, and complex sentences. For example, the sentence "First and foremost, it is irrefutable that the digital age has dominated the society…" effectively combines a complex structure with an introductory phrase. However, the overall range is limited, with many sentences being overly long and convoluted, which can obscure meaning. For instance, the sentence "Moreover, citizens can stay informed with the latest updates with the online magazines, which is highly accurate and free as it is created for dwellers to grasp information in various websites" is lengthy and could be broken down for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, consider incorporating more short, impactful sentences alongside longer, more complex ones. This can help maintain reader engagement and improve clarity. Additionally, using a mix of active and passive voice can add variety. For example, instead of saying "the online network is the environment that provides a variety of sources of information," you could say "the online network offers a wealth of information."
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its overall clarity and professionalism. For example, phrases like "the emphasis on keeping in touch with others and news via social media with innovative technologies" are awkwardly constructed and could be simplified. Additionally, there are punctuation errors, such as unnecessary spaces before commas (e.g., "Due to the contemporary world , there are growing concerns…") and inconsistent use of commas, which can confuse readers.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on simplifying complex phrases and ensuring subject-verb agreement. For instance, revise "the digital age has dominated the society" to "the digital age has dominated society" for clarity. Furthermore, practice proper punctuation rules, such as avoiding spaces before commas and ensuring that clauses are correctly punctuated. Reading the essay aloud can help identify awkward constructions and punctuation errors, making it easier to spot areas for improvement.
In summary, while the essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt at variety in sentence structure and a basic grasp of grammar, there are significant areas for improvement. Focusing on simplifying sentence constructions, enhancing grammatical accuracy, and refining punctuation will help elevate the overall quality of the writing.
Bài sửa mẫu
Due to the contemporary world, there are increasing concerns among individuals about the emphasis on keeping in touch with others and news via social media with innovative technologies. In my view, I fully support this approach and believe that the benefits may outweigh the drawbacks.
First and foremost, it is irrefutable that the digital age has dominated society, with diverse means of acquiring news and maintaining contact with other people holding a crucial role in current affairs. People can connect with friends anytime and anywhere, transcending geographical barriers due to its convenience and rapid access. Moreover, citizens can stay informed with the latest updates through online magazines, which are highly accurate and free, as they are created for individuals to grasp information from various websites. For instance, if you are looking to connect with a friend abroad, instead of traveling to that country, you can communicate with them through social platforms and enjoy your time on the screen at no cost. This fast and convenient access ensures interconnectedness among individuals.
On top of that, a significant merit of online interaction is the enhancement of knowledge among people, as it allows them to share information and news together, fostering collaboration and social bonds. The key rationale is that the online network serves as an environment providing diverse sources of information, which helps people foster their knowledge through its convenience. Thus, individuals can access it easily and discuss topics together, resulting in a cohesive society. A bright example is if someone has a desire for something, they may ask people from the online network via digital platforms, which is extremely convenient and rapid. Hence, they might find new friends through debates when they discover similarities between them.
In conclusion, the widespread usage of social media significantly affects people’s lives in a positive way, assisting them in staying in touch with friends and others while offering several benefits. The role of online networks holds a crucial place in how people communicate and stay informed about news due to the above-mentioned reasons.