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Many people around the world use social media everyday to keep in touch with other people and get news events. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

Many people around the world use social media everyday to keep in touch with other people and get news events.
Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

In recent years, social media has been a tool for many people to keep contact with each other and get news events. In my perspective, depending too much on these platforms has some merits, but it is really a bad habit for people to use it in a hectic frequency.

On the one hand, online-networking platforms does have some huge advantages. The first merit is social media is really convenient. In the past people often got the news from letters or newspapers and the speed of updating is really slow. But with social medial you can update what happen around you really fast, you could get the latest information with livestream or some news. As a result, you can get the national news within 1 minute and connect with each other. Moreover, social media holds the power to develope the world. For example, nowadays, we have a lot machines or robot such as AI, which help us in our jobs. It can help people to do physical works like building a house or transporting heavy things and the brain works which alleviate stress and the low rate of accident occurrence.

On the other hand, using social platforms on a high frequency is really bad for people. Health problem is one of the most likely to happen. Looking at the screen for a long period of time really affected your health. The direct part is the eyes, the blue light really harm for your eyes which make your eyes tired and can easily get vision problem. Another thing is your physical health like your immune system will be weakened because of lack of work out. Furthermore is the dilution in communication. When people depend on the social media they got use to texting. And when it come to face-to-face communication they forget how to interact with people what emotions should they act when talking to other people.
Consequently, people will forget how to act when meet people, especially the emotions on their faces.
In summary, the advantages of social media is really fantastic but people must control their time on using it. Living on earth is that people really enjoy the scenary not the thing on the screen.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "keep contact with each other" -> "maintain contact with one another"
    Explanation: "Maintain contact with one another" is more formal and precise, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.

  2. "get news events" -> "receive news updates"
    Explanation: "Receive news updates" is more specific and formal, replacing the vague and informal "get news events."

  3. "In my perspective" -> "From my perspective"
    Explanation: "From my perspective" is the correct idiomatic expression, which is more commonly used in formal writing.

  4. "really a bad habit" -> "a detrimental habit"
    Explanation: "A detrimental habit" is more formal and precise, avoiding the colloquial "really."

  5. "online-networking platforms" -> "online networking platforms"
    Explanation: "Online networking platforms" is the correct term, without the unnecessary hyphenation.

  6. "social medial" -> "social media"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "social media."

  7. "what happen" -> "what happens"
    Explanation: Corrects the grammatical error in "what happen" to "what happens."

  8. "livestream or some news" -> "live streams or news"
    Explanation: "Live streams" is the correct term, and "or some news" is redundant and informal; "or news" is sufficient.

  9. "you can get the latest information with livestream or some news" -> "you can access the latest information through live streams or news"
    Explanation: "Access" is more precise than "get," and "through" is more formal than "with."

  10. "develope" -> "develop"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "develope" to "develop."

  11. "machines or robot" -> "machines or robots"
    Explanation: Corrects the plural form to "robots" for consistency and grammatical accuracy.

  12. "help people to do physical works" -> "assist people in performing physical tasks"
    Explanation: "Assist people in performing physical tasks" is more formal and precise than "help people to do physical works."

  13. "the brain works" -> "cognitive tasks"
    Explanation: "Cognitive tasks" is a more specific and formal term than "the brain works."

  14. "really bad for people" -> "adverse for individuals"
    Explanation: "Adverse for individuals" is more formal and precise than "really bad for people."

  15. "Health problem" -> "health problems"
    Explanation: Corrects the plural form to "problems" to match the context.

  16. "really affected your health" -> "significantly affect your health"
    Explanation: "Significantly affect" is more precise and formal than "really affected."

  17. "blue light really harm for your eyes" -> "blue light can harm your eyes"
    Explanation: Corrects the grammatical structure and removes the unnecessary "really" for a more formal tone.

  18. "make your eyes tired" -> "cause eye fatigue"
    Explanation: "Cause eye fatigue" is a more precise and formal expression than "make your eyes tired."

  19. "dilution in communication" -> "deterioration in communication"
    Explanation: "Deterioration" is a more precise term than "dilution" in this context, describing a decline in quality.

  20. "got use to texting" -> "become accustomed to texting"
    Explanation: "Become accustomed to texting" is more formal and precise than "got use to texting."

  21. "what emotions should they act" -> "which emotions to express"
    Explanation: "Which emotions to express" is grammatically correct and more formal than "what emotions should they act."

  22. "scenary" -> "scenery"
    Explanation: Corrects the spelling error in "scenary" to "scenery."

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the advantages and disadvantages of social media. The writer presents a balanced view, acknowledging the benefits of convenience and rapid information dissemination while also highlighting health issues and communication problems as significant drawbacks. However, the analysis lacks depth in exploring the implications of these points. For instance, while the convenience of social media is mentioned, the essay could benefit from more specific examples or statistics to strengthen the argument.
    • How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should ensure that each advantage and disadvantage is thoroughly explored with concrete examples or evidence. This could include discussing specific studies on social media’s impact on mental health or citing statistics on social media usage and its correlation with communication skills.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position that the disadvantages of social media outweigh the advantages. However, the phrasing in the introduction ("depending too much on these platforms has some merits") may create some ambiguity about the writer’s stance. The conclusion reiterates the advantages but does not strongly emphasize the overall position that the disadvantages are more significant.
    • How to improve: The writer should refine the introduction to clearly state their position unequivocally. Additionally, reinforcing this stance throughout the essay, especially in the conclusion, would help maintain clarity. Phrases like "In my opinion, the disadvantages clearly outweigh the advantages because…" would strengthen the position.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the advantages and disadvantages of social media. However, some points are underdeveloped. For example, the mention of AI and robots as a benefit of social media is somewhat tangential and lacks a clear connection to the main argument. Furthermore, the disadvantages related to health and communication are introduced but not sufficiently elaborated upon, which diminishes their impact.
    • How to improve: To improve, the writer should focus on developing each point more fully. This could involve providing more detailed explanations or examples for each idea. For instance, discussing specific health issues linked to excessive screen time or providing examples of how social media has changed communication norms would add depth to the argument.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing social media’s advantages and disadvantages. However, there are moments where the focus wavers, particularly when introducing the concept of AI and robots, which feels somewhat disconnected from the central theme of social media. Additionally, the conclusion introduces a somewhat vague statement about enjoying scenery rather than screens, which could confuse readers regarding its relevance.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly relate to the advantages and disadvantages of social media. Avoiding tangential ideas and ensuring that the conclusion succinctly summarizes the main arguments without introducing new concepts would help keep the essay tightly aligned with the prompt.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, there is room for improvement in the depth of analysis, clarity of position, and focus on relevant ideas.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, with distinct sections for the advantages and disadvantages of social media. The introduction sets the context well, and each paragraph addresses a specific point. However, the transition between points could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing the advantages of social media to the disadvantages could benefit from a more explicit linking sentence that highlights the contrast between the two perspectives.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases such as "Conversely," or "On the contrary," at the beginning of the paragraph discussing disadvantages. Additionally, ensure that each point logically follows from the previous one, perhaps by summarizing the advantages before moving to the disadvantages.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay uses paragraphs effectively to separate ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph has a clear focus, with the first addressing advantages and the second discussing disadvantages. However, some paragraphs could be more developed. For example, the paragraph on disadvantages introduces several ideas but lacks depth in exploring each one, particularly the health issues related to social media use.
    • How to improve: Aim for a more balanced development of ideas within each paragraph. For instance, when discussing health problems, consider breaking this into two separate points: one for eye health and another for physical health. This will allow for a more thorough exploration of each issue, enhancing clarity and depth.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "On the one hand" and "On the other hand," which effectively signal shifts between contrasting ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "Moreover" is used to introduce an additional advantage, but the connection to the previous point could be more explicitly stated.
    • How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "Additionally," "Furthermore," and "In contrast." Also, consider using pronouns and synonyms to refer back to previously mentioned ideas, which can help maintain cohesion and avoid repetition. For example, instead of repeating "social media," you could use "these platforms" in subsequent references.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents ideas in a coherent manner, enhancing logical transitions, developing paragraphs more fully, and diversifying cohesive devices will contribute to a stronger overall performance in coherence and cohesion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "online-networking platforms," "convenient," and "dilution in communication." However, there are instances where vocabulary choices are repetitive or overly simplistic, such as using "really" frequently to emphasize points. For example, phrases like "really bad habit" and "really convenient" could be replaced with more varied and sophisticated synonyms.
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should aim to incorporate more varied expressions and synonyms. Instead of "really bad habit," consider using "detrimental tendency" or "unhealthy practice." Additionally, exploring more academic or formal vocabulary related to the topic, such as "virtual communication" instead of "online networking," would elevate the essay’s lexical quality.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several instances of imprecise vocabulary usage. For example, "the blue light really harm for your eyes" is grammatically incorrect and imprecise; it should be "the blue light can be harmful to your eyes." Additionally, phrases like "the brain works which alleviate stress" are vague and could be articulated more clearly to convey the intended meaning.
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on clarity and correctness in word choice. Instead of "the brain works which alleviate stress," a more precise phrase could be "technological advancements that reduce stress." Regularly consulting a thesaurus or vocabulary resources can help in finding more accurate terms that fit the context.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "social medial" (should be "social media"), "develope" (should be "develop"), and "work out" (should be "workout"). These errors detract from the overall professionalism of the writing and can lead to misunderstandings.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread the essay carefully or use spell-check tools before submission. Additionally, practicing spelling through writing exercises or flashcards can help reinforce correct spelling of commonly used words. Maintaining a personal list of frequently misspelled words can also be beneficial for ongoing improvement.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents clear arguments, there is significant room for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By focusing on these areas, the writer can enhance the overall quality and effectiveness of their writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, with a mix of simple and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "In my perspective" and "On the one hand" indicates an attempt to structure arguments clearly. However, the essay lacks more complex structures, such as subordinate clauses or varied sentence openings, which could enhance the flow and sophistication of the writing. For example, the sentence "The first merit is social media is really convenient" could be improved by restructuring it to "One significant advantage of social media is that it is extremely convenient."
    • How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer should practice using complex sentences that include subordinate clauses. For instance, instead of saying "the blue light really harm for your eyes," a more complex structure could be "because of the blue light emitted by screens, which can be harmful to the eyes, many people experience fatigue." Additionally, incorporating more varied sentence openings and transitions will help create a more engaging narrative.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity and professionalism. For example, "online-networking platforms does have some huge advantages" should be "online networking platforms do have some huge advantages" to maintain subject-verb agreement. Additionally, phrases like "the blue light really harm for your eyes" should be corrected to "the blue light can be really harmful to your eyes." Punctuation errors, such as missing commas in complex sentences, also hinder readability. For instance, "Moreover, social media holds the power to develope the world" should include a comma after "Moreover" for correct punctuation.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should review subject-verb agreement rules and practice identifying and correcting common errors in their writing. Regularly proofreading for punctuation errors and reading the essay aloud can help catch mistakes. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also provide additional insights into areas needing improvement. Focusing on the correct use of articles (e.g., "the advantages of social media are really fantastic") will also contribute to greater accuracy.

In summary, while the essay presents a clear argument regarding the advantages and disadvantages of social media, improving the variety of sentence structures and addressing grammatical and punctuation errors will significantly enhance the overall quality of the writing. Regular practice and revision are key to achieving these improvements.

Bài sửa mẫu

In recent years, social media has become a tool for many people to maintain contact with one another and receive news updates. From my perspective, depending too much on these platforms has some merits, but it is really a detrimental habit for people to use them with such high frequency.

On the one hand, online networking platforms do have some significant advantages. The first merit is that social media is really convenient. In the past, people often got their news from letters or newspapers, and the speed of updating was really slow. But with social media, you can update what happens around you very quickly; you can access the latest information through live streams or news. As a result, you can get national news within one minute and connect with each other. Moreover, social media holds the power to develop the world. For example, nowadays, we have many machines or robots, such as AI, which assist us in our jobs. They can help people perform physical tasks like building a house or transporting heavy items, as well as cognitive tasks, which alleviate stress and reduce the rate of accidents.

On the other hand, using social platforms at a high frequency can be really adverse for individuals. Health problems are among the most likely consequences. Looking at the screen for a long period of time significantly affects your health. The direct impact is on the eyes; blue light can harm your eyes, causing eye fatigue and potentially leading to vision problems. Another issue is your physical health; your immune system may be weakened due to a lack of exercise. Furthermore, there is a deterioration in communication. When people depend on social media, they become accustomed to texting. When it comes to face-to-face communication, they forget how to interact with others and which emotions to express when talking to them. Consequently, people may forget how to behave when they meet others, especially regarding the emotions on their faces.

In summary, the advantages of social media are indeed fantastic, but people must control their time spent using it. Living on Earth means that people should truly enjoy the scenery, not just what is on the screen.

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