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Many people around the world use social media to keep in touch with other people and news events Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Many people around the world use social media to keep in touch with other people and news events
Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

Social media have become omnipresent all over the world.Although they can help us to stay in touch and catch up with others' lives, updating the latest news, our personal information may confront the risk of being stolen. I firmly believe that the demerits of this development outweigh its merits.

Admittedly, social media can bring the whole world closer. For example, with the advent of many virtual platforms such as Facebook or X, we can contact other friends at any time and any place, facilitating the way we keep in touch with others. Furthermore, we can easily get access to the latest events happening around the globe. A live video of the music concert in Vietnam shared by a person,for instance, could be witnessed by all members of the friend list, regardless of where their positions are. Overall, we indeed reap many significant benefits from those networking sites, supporting our lives.

On the contrary, our personal information may be prone to the hazard of being stolen. The rate of cybercrime has risen at an unprecedented level, leaving technophobes vulnerable to being scammed. The elderly groups of people in the USA, for instance, were shown to be the main victims of hackers by a report conducted by Harvard university in 2018. Hackers hack the accounts and may misuse the data shared by social media, stealing a substantial amount of money. Additionally, not only does cybercrime cause financial damage to the users, but the phenomenon of cyberbullying may also lead to mental damage. Social media allows people to hide their identities, contributing to the high rate of cyberbullying since they know they will not be punished for their behaviors. Hence, social media affects people adversely, leading to many troubles.

In conclusion, although networking sites provide people with many benefits, it may lead us to fall into aforementioned problems. I strongly believe that the disadvantages of social media overpower its advantages.


Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

  1. "Social media have become omnipresent all over the world." -> "Social media has become omnipresent globally."
    Explanation: The use of "have become" should be corrected to "has become" to ensure subject-verb agreement. Additionally, replacing "all over the world" with "globally" maintains a more formal and concise expression.

  2. "updating the latest news" -> "keeping abreast of the latest news"
    Explanation: The phrase "updating the latest news" is imprecise. "Keeping abreast of the latest news" is a more sophisticated and accurate way to convey the idea of staying informed.

  3. "I firmly believe that the demerits of this development outweigh its merits." -> "I am convinced that the drawbacks of this development outweigh its advantages."
    Explanation: The use of "firmly believe" can be replaced with "am convinced" for a stronger expression. Additionally, substituting "demerits" with "drawbacks" and "merits" with "advantages" enhances clarity and formality.

  4. "many virtual platforms such as Facebook or X" -> "numerous virtual platforms such as Facebook and others"
    Explanation: Using "many" before "virtual platforms" is vague. "Numerous" is a more precise term. Also, specifying "Facebook and others" is clearer than "Facebook or X."

  5. "we can contact other friends at any time and any place" -> "we can connect with friends anytime, anywhere"
    Explanation: Simplifying the expression to "connect with friends" and rephrasing "at any time and any place" to "anytime, anywhere" improves conciseness and maintains a formal tone.

  6. "A live video of the music concert in Vietnam shared by a person, for instance, could be witnessed by all members of the friend list, regardless of where their positions are." -> "For example, a live video of a music concert in Vietnam shared by a user could be viewed by all friends on the list, regardless of their locations."
    Explanation: The original sentence is convoluted. Simplifying and rephrasing for clarity enhances the academic style of the statement.

  7. "our personal information may be prone to the hazard of being stolen." -> "our personal information may be susceptible to theft."
    Explanation: Simplifying "prone to the hazard of being stolen" to "susceptible to theft" maintains a more formal tone without sacrificing clarity.

  8. "The rate of cybercrime has risen at an unprecedented level" -> "The incidence of cybercrime has reached unprecedented levels."
    Explanation: Replacing "rate" with "incidence" and adjusting the phrasing to "reached unprecedented levels" improves precision and formality.

  9. "leaving technophobes vulnerable to being scammed." -> "leaving individuals with a fear of technology vulnerable to scams."
    Explanation: Substituting "technophobes" with "individuals with a fear of technology" provides a more formal and inclusive term. Clarifying "being scammed" to "vulnerable to scams" enhances precision.

  10. "The elderly groups of people in the USA" -> "The elderly population in the USA"
    Explanation: "Elderly groups of people" can be simplified to "elderly population" for a more concise and formal expression.

  11. "were shown to be the main victims of hackers by a report conducted by Harvard university in 2018." -> "were identified as the primary targets of hackers in a 2018 report by Harvard University."
    Explanation: Clarifying that the victims were identified as the primary targets and rephrasing the sentence for smoother flow and formality.

  12. "Additionally, not only does cybercrime cause financial damage to the users, but the phenomenon of cyberbullying may also lead to mental damage." -> "Furthermore, cybercrime not only inflicts financial harm on users but also contributes to the mental damage caused by cyberbullying."
    Explanation: Streamlining the sentence for clarity and formality, while avoiding redundancy in the use of "damage."

  13. "Social media allows people to hide their identities, contributing to the high rate of cyberbullying since they know they will not be punished for their behaviors." -> "The anonymity provided by social media contributes to the prevalence of cyberbullying, as individuals feel immune to punishment for their actions."
    Explanation: Replacing "allows people to hide their identities" with "provides anonymity" and rephrasing for better structure and precision.

  14. "Hence, social media affects people adversely, leading to many troubles." -> "Thus, social media has adverse effects on individuals, resulting in various challenges."
    Explanation: Enhancing the formality and precision of the statement by replacing "Hence" with "Thus" and refining the expression of adverse effects and challenges.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses all parts of the question. It acknowledges the advantages of social media, such as facilitating global communication and access to information, while also highlighting the potential disadvantages, specifically the risk of personal information theft and cyberbullying.
    • How to improve: To enhance comprehensiveness, consider providing more nuanced examples for both advantages and disadvantages. Expanding on the potential benefits and drawbacks would contribute to a more thorough exploration of the topic.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear and consistent position throughout, expressing a firm belief that the disadvantages of social media outweigh the advantages. This stance is evident from the introduction to the conclusion.
    • How to improve: To strengthen the clarity, ensure that each paragraph reinforces the central position. Also, consider incorporating a thesis statement in the introduction to explicitly state the essay’s stance.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas coherently, offering examples to support both the advantages and disadvantages of social media. However, the development of ideas could be improved by providing more in-depth analysis and elaboration.
    • How to improve: Extend the discussion on each point by providing additional details, examples, or elaborations. This will enhance the depth of the analysis and make the arguments more compelling.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic but could improve focus. The introduction and conclusion are concise and relevant, but some parts of the body paragraphs digress, particularly in the discussion of cyberbullying.
    • How to improve: Maintain a closer connection to the main topic throughout the essay. Ensure that each paragraph directly contributes to the overall argument, avoiding unnecessary details or tangential discussions.

In summary, the essay is well-organized and effectively addresses the prompt. To improve, consider providing more nuanced examples, strengthening the thesis statement, enhancing the depth of analysis, and maintaining closer focus on the main topic throughout the essay. This would elevate the essay to a more sophisticated level of argumentation.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits a logical organization to a significant extent. It begins with a clear introduction, followed by well-structured body paragraphs presenting arguments for both advantages and disadvantages. However, there is a minor issue with the organization of the advantages paragraph, as it could be improved by presenting ideas in a more sequential manner.
    • How to improve: Consider reordering the points in the advantages paragraph to create a more seamless and logical flow. For instance, start with the general benefits of social media and then delve into specific examples.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay is generally well-paragraphed, with a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument. However, the advantages paragraph could benefit from a more refined structure to enhance clarity.
    • How to improve: Reorganize the advantages paragraph by introducing a topic sentence that clearly states the main advantage, followed by supporting details and examples. This will enhance the coherence and readability of the paragraph.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words and phrases, to connect ideas within and between sentences. However, some of these devices are overused, leading to a lack of variety and, in some instances, slightly affecting coherence.
    • How to improve: Diversify the use of cohesive devices to avoid repetition. Additionally, pay attention to the appropriate placement of these devices within sentences to ensure a smoother and more coherent flow.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of coherence and cohesion, with room for improvement in the logical organization of the advantages paragraph and the diversification of cohesive devices. These refinements will contribute to a more polished and effective essay structure.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with a mix of common and more advanced vocabulary. For instance, terms like "omnipresent," "demerits," and "unprecedented" contribute to the variety. However, there is room for improvement as some ideas are expressed using repetitive language (e.g., "hazard of being stolen," "significant benefits").
    • How to improve: To enhance the lexical range, consider incorporating more varied synonyms and expressions. For example, instead of consistently using "hazard," explore alternatives like "risk" or "threat." Additionally, strive to introduce more sophisticated vocabulary when discussing complex ideas, providing nuance to your arguments.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its ideas clearly, there are instances where the use of vocabulary is imprecise. For instance, the phrase "updating the latest news" could be refined to "staying informed about current events." Similarly, the term "virtual platforms such as Facebook or X" lacks specificity.
    • How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary that precisely communicates your ideas. Instead of generic terms like "virtual platforms," specify the platforms you’re referring to, such as "social networking sites like Facebook or Twitter." Carefully choose words that accurately capture the nuances of your intended meaning.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates acceptable spelling accuracy, with only a few minor errors (e.g., "through" instead of "thorough"). However, there is a consistent issue with punctuation, such as missing commas after introductory phrases.
    • How to improve: Pay careful attention to punctuation rules, especially the use of commas after introductory phrases. Consider reviewing grammar and punctuation guidelines to strengthen your overall writing mechanics. Proofreading your work before submission can help catch and correct these small errors.

Overall, the essay exhibits a reasonable command of vocabulary, with some areas for improvement. Enhancing lexical variety, precision, and addressing minor spelling and punctuation issues will contribute to a more polished and effective piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of sentence structures, including simple and complex sentences. There is an attempt to use varied sentence structures, such as compound and complex sentences. For instance, the introduction employs a complex sentence ("Social media have become omnipresent all over the world"), and there is an effort to vary sentence structures throughout the essay.
    • How to improve: While the essay shows a commendable effort in using varied structures, there is room for improvement by incorporating more complex sentence structures and avoiding repetitive sentence patterns. Introduce a mix of compound-complex sentences and vary sentence lengths to enhance overall fluency and sophistication.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a satisfactory level of grammatical accuracy. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, such as "updating the latest news" (should be "keeping up with the latest news") and "confront the risk of being stolen" (should be "face the risk of theft"). Additionally, there are punctuation issues, like missing commas in "Facilitating the way we keep in touch with others" and "a person, for instance, could be witnessed by all members of the friend list."
    • How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, carefully proofread the essay to identify and correct errors in sentence structure and phrasing. Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and preposition usage. Regarding punctuation, ensure proper comma placement in complex sentences and use punctuation marks consistently. Thoroughly review each sentence for clarity and precision to avoid ambiguity and awkward wording.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong command of language, with room for improvement in diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical accuracy and punctuation skills.

Bài sửa mẫu

Social media has become omnipresent globally. While it facilitates staying connected with others and keeping abreast of the latest news, there are significant drawbacks to this development. I am convinced that the drawbacks of this development outweigh its advantages.

Certainly, numerous virtual platforms such as Facebook and others enable us to connect with friends anytime, anywhere, enhancing the way we keep in touch. For example, a live video of a music concert in Vietnam shared by a user could be viewed by all friends on the list, regardless of their locations. This undoubtedly brings people closer and makes the world more accessible.

However, the convenience of social media comes with risks. Our personal information may be susceptible to theft, as the incidence of cybercrime has reached unprecedented levels. This leaves individuals with a fear of technology vulnerable to scams. The elderly population in the USA, identified as the primary targets of hackers in a 2018 report by Harvard University, faces the consequences of stolen data and financial harm. Furthermore, cybercrime not only inflicts financial harm on users but also contributes to the mental damage caused by cyberbullying.

The anonymity provided by social media contributes to the prevalence of cyberbullying, as individuals feel immune to punishment for their actions. Thus, social media has adverse effects on individuals, resulting in various challenges. While networking sites provide significant benefits, they also expose us to these problems. In conclusion, despite the advantages of staying connected and informed, the disadvantages of social media, such as cybercrime and cyberbullying, outweigh its benefits.

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