Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Many people are of the opinion that limiting the gap between rich and poor people is the preeminent way to produce a happy society. In my opinion, I believe that constraining the gap can bring a host of benefits for society. However, I tend to disagree with this perspective as it is a difficult and unnecessary challenge for the government as people have different abilities and personal background, hindering them to become richer. Aditionally, endevouring to limit the gap can be detrimental for the economy
It is true that restricting the gap between wealthy and poor people brings many perks for society. Admittedly, if the gap is reduced, the poor can receive similar benefits like the rich such as advanced healthcare or better education for their children, leading to higher living standard and a comprehensive development of society. However, completely eradicating the gap is nearly impossible as it require providing perks for people who are unworthy. For instance, in order to achieve a prosperous life, many individuals has sacrified their own life and fought for it. In other words, it require hard-working and dedication, which most of the poor lack of. Therefore, if the poor recceive similar social welfare as the rich it can prone to laziness and dependence, leading to a stagnant economy
Futhermore, people own different perspectives about happiness . Emperical studies show that many individiuals prefer to live as the underprivileged, avoiding competition and rivalry, accepting minimum wages to spend more time with their families as they fine it makes their lives more happier. On the other hand, a majortity of wealthy people regard competition and rivalry as a part of their lives, they enjoy working overtime and receiving lucrative salaries. Therefore, it will be a huge challenge for us to create a happier society by modifying the differences between the richest and the poorest as people have their own definition of being happy.
In conclucion, although restriting the gap of wealthy and underprivileged members brings significant benefits for society, I would argue that it is not able to bring happiness for people scince it is challenging to define the definition of happiness.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
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"Many people are of the opinion that" -> "Many individuals believe that"
Explanation: "Individuals" is more precise and formal than "people," and "believe" is a more academic term than "are of the opinion that," which sounds somewhat informal and vague. -
"the preeminent way" -> "the most effective method"
Explanation: "The most effective method" is more specific and academically appropriate than "the preeminent way," which is somewhat vague and less commonly used in formal writing. -
"constraining the gap" -> "reducing the gap"
Explanation: "Reducing the gap" is a more commonly used and understood term in academic and formal contexts, whereas "constraining" might imply a more restrictive or limiting approach, which could be misinterpreted. -
"Aditionally" -> "Additionally"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling and grammar rules. -
"endevouring to limit" -> "endeavoring to reduce"
Explanation: "Endeavoring" is the correct form of the verb, and "reduce" is more precise than "limit" in this context, as it directly relates to decreasing the size or extent of the gap. -
"brings many perks" -> "offers numerous benefits"
Explanation: "Offers numerous benefits" is more formal and precise than "brings many perks," which is colloquial and less suitable for academic writing. -
"similar benefits like the rich" -> "similar benefits enjoyed by the affluent"
Explanation: "Similar benefits enjoyed by the affluent" is more precise and formal, avoiding the informal phrasing of "like the rich." -
"higher living standard" -> "higher standard of living"
Explanation: "Standard of living" is the correct idiomatic expression in English, whereas "living standard" is less common and less formal. -
"it require providing perks" -> "it requires providing benefits"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense and uses "benefits" instead of "perks" to maintain a formal tone and clarity. -
"people who are unworthy" -> "individuals who are not deserving"
Explanation: "Not deserving" is a more precise and respectful term than "unworthy," which can carry negative connotations. -
"has sacrified" -> "have sacrificed"
Explanation: Corrects the verb tense to match the plural subject "many individuals," ensuring grammatical accuracy. -
"lack of" -> "lack"
Explanation: "Lack" is sufficient as a noun without the preposition "of," making the phrase more concise and formal. -
"recceive" -> "receive"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling and grammar rules. -
"prone to laziness and dependence" -> "prone to laziness and dependency"
Explanation: "Dependency" is the correct noun form, aligning with the context of reliance on social welfare. -
"Futhermore" -> "Furthermore"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling and grammar rules. -
"Emperical" -> "Empirical"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling and grammar rules. -
"individiuals" -> "individuals"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling and grammar rules. -
"fine it makes their lives more happier" -> "find it makes their lives happier"
Explanation: Corrects the verb "fine" to "find" and removes the redundant "more," aligning with standard English usage. -
"a majortity" -> "a majority"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling and grammar rules. -
"In conclucion" -> "In conclusion"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling and grammar rules. -
"scince" -> "since"
Explanation: Corrects a typographical error, ensuring the text adheres to standard English spelling and grammar rules.
These changes enhance the formal tone, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Task Response: 7
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Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the belief that reducing the income gap can lead to a happier society. The writer presents both sides of the argument, acknowledging the potential benefits of narrowing the gap while also expressing skepticism about its feasibility and effectiveness. However, the response could be clearer in delineating the extent to which the writer agrees or disagrees with the statement. The phrase "I tend to disagree" is somewhat ambiguous and does not clearly indicate the writer’s position.
- How to improve: To enhance clarity, the writer should explicitly state their position in the introduction and reiterate it throughout the essay. A more definitive stance, such as "I fully disagree" or "I partially agree," would help guide the reader and strengthen the argument.
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Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay presents a position, it lacks consistency. The writer begins by stating a belief in the benefits of reducing the income gap but then shifts to a disagreement with the idea. This inconsistency may confuse readers about the writer’s true stance. The use of phrases like "I believe" and "I tend to disagree" creates a mixed message.
- How to improve: The writer should maintain a clear and consistent position throughout the essay. This can be achieved by clearly stating their position in the introduction and ensuring that all subsequent paragraphs support this stance. Additionally, using transitional phrases to reinforce the main argument can help maintain clarity.
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Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the implications of reducing the income gap, such as improved access to healthcare and education for the poor. However, the supporting arguments are often underdeveloped. For example, the claim that reducing the gap could lead to laziness among the poor is not sufficiently backed by evidence or examples, making it less persuasive. The mention of empirical studies is vague and lacks specific references.
- How to improve: To strengthen the essay, the writer should provide more detailed examples and evidence to support their claims. This could include specific studies, statistics, or real-life examples that illustrate the points being made. Additionally, elaborating on the implications of each argument would enhance the depth of the analysis.
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Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, discussing the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. However, some points, such as the discussion of individual definitions of happiness, could be more directly tied to the main argument. The mention of personal choices regarding lifestyle and competition, while relevant, could be more explicitly linked to the central thesis of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each paragraph directly relates to the main argument about the income gap and happiness. It may be helpful to outline the main points before writing to ensure that all ideas contribute to the overall argument. Additionally, summarizing how each point relates back to the thesis at the end of each paragraph can reinforce the connection to the topic.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7
Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7
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Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. The introduction effectively outlines the author’s stance, and the body paragraphs generally follow a logical progression. For instance, the first body paragraph discusses the benefits of reducing the wealth gap, while the second addresses the challenges and potential downsides. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother; for example, the shift from discussing benefits to challenges is somewhat abrupt, which can confuse the reader.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, employing transitional phrases (e.g., "On the contrary," "Furthermore," "In contrast") can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively, making connections between points clearer.
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Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs to separate distinct ideas, which is a strength. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument. However, some paragraphs could be further refined to improve clarity and focus. For example, the second body paragraph contains multiple ideas that could be split into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on the benefits of reducing the wealth gap and the other on the challenges associated with it.
- How to improve: Aim for a clear structure within each paragraph, beginning with a topic sentence followed by supporting details. Consider dividing longer paragraphs into smaller ones to maintain focus on a single idea. This will enhance readability and help the reader follow your argument more easily.
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Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "however," "therefore," and "furthermore," which help connect ideas. However, the range of cohesive devices used is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "in other words" is used, but it does not effectively clarify the preceding statement about hard work and dedication.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases (e.g., "in addition," "conversely," "for instance," "as a result"). Additionally, ensure that each cohesive device is used appropriately to enhance clarity. Practicing the use of these devices in different contexts can help improve their effectiveness in your writing.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the use of cohesive devices will enhance clarity and coherence, potentially raising the band score in these areas.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6
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Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with terms such as "preeminent," "detrimental," and "sacrificed." However, there are instances where the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive or lacks variation. For example, the phrase "gap between rich and poor people" is used multiple times without synonyms or paraphrasing, which can detract from the overall lexical richness of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate synonyms and varied expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "gap," alternatives such as "disparity," "divide," or "inequality" could be employed. Additionally, using more sophisticated phrases or idiomatic expressions could elevate the essay’s lexical quality.
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Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While some vocabulary is used effectively, there are notable instances of imprecise usage. For example, the phrase "providing perks for people who are unworthy" is vague and may not accurately convey the intended meaning. The term "unworthy" lacks clarity and could be perceived as judgmental. Similarly, "the poor lack of" is grammatically incorrect and should be revised to "the poor lack."
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately reflect their intended meaning. For example, instead of "unworthy," consider using "less motivated" or "less industrious." Additionally, reviewing grammatical structures will help ensure that phrases are correctly formed, such as changing "the poor lack of" to "the poor often lack."
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Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "Aditionally" (Additionally), "endevouring" (endeavoring), "recceive" (receive), "Futhermore" (Furthermore), "Emperical" (Empirical), "individials" (individuals), "majortity" (majority), "conclucion" (conclusion), and "scince" (since). These errors can distract the reader and undermine the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should engage in regular practice, such as using spelling apps or tools that provide feedback on common errors. Additionally, proofreading the essay multiple times or reading it aloud can help catch spelling mistakes before submission. Familiarizing oneself with frequently misspelled words can also be beneficial.
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents coherent arguments, focusing on expanding vocabulary, improving precision, and correcting spelling errors will significantly enhance the lexical resource and overall quality of the writing.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5
Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
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Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For instance, the predominant use of simple and compound sentences is evident, such as "Many people are of the opinion that limiting the gap between rich and poor people is the preeminent way to produce a happy society." While this sentence is clear, it lacks complexity. There are few examples of more complex structures, such as subordinate clauses or varied sentence openings. The use of phrases like "in my opinion" and "however" indicates an attempt at variety, but the overall structure remains basic.
- How to improve: To enhance the range of structures, the writer should incorporate more complex sentences. This can be achieved by using subordinate clauses (e.g., "Although many believe that…") and varying sentence beginnings (e.g., starting with an adverbial phrase or a dependent clause). Additionally, practicing the use of conditional sentences (e.g., "If the government were to…") could add depth to the arguments presented.
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Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, "Aditionally, endevouring to limit the gap can be detrimental for the economy" contains spelling errors ("Aditionally" should be "Additionally" and "endevouring" should be "endeavoring"). Furthermore, the phrase "it require providing perks for people who are unworthy" should be "it requires providing perks." The use of commas is also inconsistent, particularly in complex sentences, which can lead to run-on sentences or fragments. For instance, "Therefore, if the poor recceive similar social welfare as the rich it can prone to laziness and dependence" lacks a comma before "it," which is necessary for clarity.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading to catch spelling errors and ensure subject-verb agreement (e.g., "it requires" instead of "it require"). Additionally, practicing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, will enhance clarity. Utilizing grammar-checking tools or seeking feedback from peers can also help identify and correct errors before submission.
Overall, while the essay presents a clear argument, the limited variety in sentence structure and the presence of grammatical and punctuation errors hinder its effectiveness. By focusing on these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in future essays.
Bài sửa mẫu
Many individuals believe that limiting the gap between the richest and the poorest members of society is the most effective method to create a happier community. In my opinion, while constraining this gap can offer numerous benefits for society, I tend to disagree with this perspective, as it presents a difficult and unnecessary challenge for the government. People have different abilities and personal backgrounds, which hinder their capacity to become wealthier. Additionally, endeavoring to reduce this gap can be detrimental to the economy.
It is true that reducing the gap between wealthy and poor individuals brings many advantages for society. Admittedly, if the gap is minimized, the poor can receive similar benefits enjoyed by the affluent, such as advanced healthcare and better education for their children, leading to a higher standard of living and comprehensive development of society. However, completely eradicating the gap is nearly impossible, as it requires providing benefits for individuals who may not be deserving. For instance, many individuals have sacrificed their own lives and fought hard to achieve a prosperous existence. In other words, it requires hard work and dedication, which most of the poor lack. Therefore, if the poor receive similar social welfare as the rich, it can lead to a propensity for laziness and dependency, ultimately resulting in a stagnant economy.
Furthermore, people hold different perspectives on happiness. Empirical studies show that many individuals prefer to live as the underprivileged, avoiding competition and rivalry, and accepting minimum wages to spend more time with their families, as they find it makes their lives happier. On the other hand, a majority of wealthy people regard competition and rivalry as integral to their lives; they enjoy working overtime and receiving lucrative salaries. Therefore, it will be a significant challenge to create a happier society by modifying the differences between the richest and the poorest, as people have their own definitions of happiness.
In conclusion, although reducing the gap between wealthy and underprivileged members of society brings significant benefits, I would argue that it cannot guarantee happiness for individuals, since it is challenging to define what happiness truly means.