Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a prevalent belief that equalizing the income disparity among classes is the most decent way to create a society of joyfulness. I totally oppose this opinion and I contend that there are more effective ways to make society become happier .

There is no denying that the spirit of the populace is likely to be more comfortable as wealth pursuit is not their priority anymore. They no longer bear the burden of finance, have the pressure of competition and experience a sense of jealousy with their peers and colleagues. This mentality transition makes a possibility to create harmony among people in society.

Notwithstand the above advantage, it would be imprudent if the severe repercussion of this occurrence was not mentioned. Society can potentially regress when citizens lose a substantial motivation, which is money, to strive for improvements. They may become increasingly indolent because they acknowledge that how big or small contributions they make on their work does not affect their income.

Therefore, I deem that it would be more judicious if governmental bodies could allocate more financial resources to the educational field, possibly resulting in contracted income disparity due to increasingly high-qualified human resources which have the ability to earn more money. In addition, enterprises and educational institutions can also organize some courses or programs to ameliorate mental well-being of employees and students so that relationships among people can be more harmonious.

In conclusion, society could somewhat become better, but on the other hand, society is less likely to develop if the wealth gap was closed. Instead, several particular actions stemming from governments, business premises and educational institutions can contribute better to society.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"There is a prevalent belief" -> "It is widely believed"
Explanation: "It is widely believed" is a more formal and concise way to introduce a commonly held opinion, enhancing the academic tone of the sentence.
"the most decent way" -> "the most effective method"
Explanation: "The most effective method" is more precise and appropriate in an academic context, as it avoids the colloquial connotation of "decent" which is not typically used in formal writing.
"I totally oppose" -> "I strongly disagree"
Explanation: "I strongly disagree" is a more formal expression suitable for academic writing, replacing the colloquial "totally oppose" which is too informal.
"make society become happier" -> "enhance societal happiness"
Explanation: "Enhance societal happiness" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea of improving societal well-being, avoiding the awkward construction of "make society become happier".
"wealth pursuit" -> "pursuit of wealth"
Explanation: "Pursuit of wealth" is grammatically correct and more formal, aligning better with academic style than the awkward and incorrect "wealth pursuit".
"have the pressure of competition" -> "face competitive pressures"
Explanation: "Face competitive pressures" is a more formal and precise way to describe the challenges of competition, improving the academic tone of the sentence.
"experience a sense of jealousy" -> "feel jealous"
Explanation: "Feel jealous" is a more direct and formal expression, avoiding the awkward and less common "experience a sense of jealousy".
"Notwithstand the above advantage" -> "Despite the above advantages"
Explanation: "Despite the above advantages" corrects the grammatical error and improves the flow of the sentence, making it more formal and clear.
"it would be imprudent if the severe repercussion of this occurrence was not mentioned" -> "it would be imprudent not to consider the severe repercussions of this occurrence"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the meaning and corrects the grammatical structure, enhancing the formality and precision of the statement.
"lose a substantial motivation" -> "lose a significant motivation"
Explanation: "Significant" is more appropriate in formal writing than "substantial" in this context, as it specifically refers to the importance or degree of motivation.
"how big or small contributions they make on their work" -> "the extent to which their contributions to their work"
Explanation: "The extent to which their contributions to their work" is a more formal and precise way to express the idea, avoiding the colloquial "how big or small contributions they make on their work".
"judicious if governmental bodies could allocate" -> "prudent if governmental bodies were to allocate"
Explanation: "Prudent" is more specific and academically appropriate than "judicious" in this context, and "were to allocate" corrects the conditional tense to match the hypothetical scenario.
"contracted income disparity" -> "reduced income disparity"
Explanation: "Reduced income disparity" is a clearer and more commonly used term in academic discourse than "contracted", which is less precise and less commonly used.
"high-qualified human resources" -> "highly qualified human resources"
Explanation: "Highly qualified" is the correct adverbial form, improving the grammatical accuracy and formality of the phrase.
"ameliorate mental well-being" -> "improve mental well-being"
Explanation: "Improve" is a more direct and commonly used term in academic writing than "ameliorate", which can be less familiar to some readers.
"business premises" -> "businesses"
Explanation: "Businesses" is the correct noun form, replacing the less formal and less precise "business premises", which refers to physical locations rather than the entities themselves.

These changes enhance the formality, precision, and clarity of the essay, aligning it more closely with academic writing standards.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay addresses the prompt by clearly stating a position against the idea that reducing income disparity is the best way to create a happier society. The author presents an alternative viewpoint, suggesting that other methods, such as improving education and mental well-being, could be more effective. However, while the essay does touch on the idea of income disparity, it could more explicitly engage with the extent to which the author agrees or disagrees with the statement, as the prompt asks for a nuanced response.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author should more clearly delineate their stance on the extent of agreement or disagreement with the prompt. This could involve explicitly stating whether they believe that reducing income disparity has any merit at all or if they believe it is entirely ineffective. Additionally, including more specific examples or evidence to support their claims would strengthen the argument.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position against the notion that income equality is the best path to a happier society. The author consistently argues that other factors, such as education and mental well-being, play a more significant role. However, the transition between ideas could be smoother, and the conclusion could better reflect the position taken throughout the essay.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author should ensure that each paragraph clearly ties back to the main argument. Using transitional phrases to connect ideas and reiterating the main position in the conclusion would help reinforce the clarity of the stance taken.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas, such as the negative impact of income equality on motivation and the importance of education and mental well-being. However, some ideas are not fully developed or supported with concrete examples. For instance, the argument about the potential laziness of citizens lacks specific evidence or examples to illustrate the point.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author should aim to provide specific examples or case studies that illustrate their points. This could include statistics on motivation related to income levels or examples of successful educational programs that have improved societal happiness. Additionally, elaborating on how these alternative methods directly contribute to happiness would strengthen the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the relationship between income disparity and societal happiness. However, there are moments where the discussion could be more tightly focused. For example, the mention of mental well-being is relevant but could be more explicitly linked back to the main argument regarding income disparity.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly relates back to the prompt. This could involve explicitly linking each argument to the central thesis and avoiding tangential discussions that do not directly support the main claim. Additionally, outlining the essay before writing could help in organizing thoughts and ensuring that all points are relevant to the topic.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear position against the idea that reducing income disparity is the best way to achieve a happier society. The introduction effectively outlines the writer’s stance, while the body paragraphs provide supporting arguments. However, the logical flow could be improved. For instance, the transition from discussing the potential benefits of reduced income disparity to the drawbacks is somewhat abrupt. The second body paragraph introduces a new idea about motivation without a clear link to the previous paragraph’s discussion on societal harmony.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that explicitly relate back to the thesis statement. Additionally, use transitional phrases such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely" to guide the reader through contrasting ideas, ensuring that each point builds on the previous one.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is structured into clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific aspect of the argument. The introduction and conclusion are well-defined, and the body paragraphs are distinguishable. However, the second body paragraph could benefit from further development, as it introduces multiple ideas (motivation and educational resources) without fully exploring either. This can lead to confusion about the main point being made.
- How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and develops it thoroughly. Consider breaking down complex ideas into separate paragraphs if necessary. For example, the discussion on educational resources could be expanded into its own paragraph to allow for a more in-depth analysis of how education impacts societal happiness.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "therefore," "in addition," and "but," which help to connect ideas. However, the use of cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections between sentences could be clearer. For example, the phrase "Notwithstand the above advantage" is awkward and could disrupt the flow of reading.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of linking words and phrases, such as "furthermore," "however," "for instance," and "consequently." Additionally, ensure that cohesive devices are used appropriately and enhance clarity. For instance, rephrase "Notwithstand the above advantage" to "Despite these potential advantages," which is clearer and more conventional.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve a higher level of coherence and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms like "equalizing," "disparity," "burden," "indolent," and "ameliorate" showcasing a solid command of language. However, some phrases could be more varied or sophisticated. For instance, the phrase "society of joyfulness" is somewhat awkward and could be expressed more naturally as "a joyful society." Additionally, the term "spirit of the populace" could be simplified to "people’s well-being" for clarity.
- How to improve: To enhance vocabulary range, the writer should incorporate more synonyms and idiomatic expressions. For example, instead of repeating "society," consider using "community," "population," or "citizens." Engaging with a wider array of topics and reading diverse materials can help expand vocabulary.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: While the essay includes some precise vocabulary, there are instances of imprecise usage. For example, "the spirit of the populace is likely to be more comfortable" is vague; it would be clearer to say "people are likely to feel more at ease." The phrase "the severe repercussion of this occurrence" is also somewhat ambiguous; specifying what "occurrence" refers to would enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that directly conveys their intended meaning. This can be achieved by practicing paraphrasing and ensuring that each word chosen accurately reflects the context. Additionally, reviewing common collocations and phrases can help in selecting more appropriate vocabulary.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally displays good spelling, but there are a few errors that detract from the overall quality. For example, "Notwithstand" should be "Notwithstanding," and "indolent" is correctly spelled but may not be the best choice for the intended meaning. The phrase "how big or small contributions they make on their work" should use "in" instead of "on."
- How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully, focusing on commonly misspelled words and phrases. Utilizing spell-check tools and practicing writing regularly can also help solidify spelling skills. Additionally, creating a personal list of frequently misspelled words and reviewing them can be beneficial.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a commendable level of lexical resource, there are areas for improvement in vocabulary range, precision, and spelling. By focusing on these aspects, the writer can enhance their overall performance in the Lexical Resource criterion of the IELTS Task 2 writing assessment.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures, including complex and compound sentences. For instance, the use of phrases like "There is a prevalent belief that equalizing the income disparity among classes is the most decent way to create a society of joyfulness" showcases a complex structure that effectively communicates the author’s stance. Additionally, the sentence "They may become increasingly indolent because they acknowledge that how big or small contributions they make on their work does not affect their income" illustrates the use of a conditional clause, enhancing the complexity of the argument. However, there are instances of repetitive sentence beginnings and a lack of varied transition phrases, which could limit the overall range.
- How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more varied introductory phrases and transition words. For example, instead of starting multiple sentences with "They" or "Society," the writer could use phrases like "In this context," or "Moreover," to introduce new ideas. Additionally, experimenting with different sentence types, such as questions or exclamatory sentences, could enhance the overall variety and engagement of the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy, but there are notable errors that detract from the overall clarity. For example, the phrase "Notwithstand the above advantage" should be corrected to "Notwithstanding the above advantage." Furthermore, the sentence "they no longer bear the burden of finance, have the pressure of competition and experience a sense of jealousy with their peers and colleagues" lacks parallel structure, which can confuse the reader. Punctuation is mostly accurate, but there are instances where commas could improve clarity, such as before conjunctions in compound sentences.
- How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on proofreading for common errors, particularly with transitional phrases and parallel structures. It may be beneficial to practice constructing sentences that maintain parallelism, ensuring that similar ideas are expressed in a consistent grammatical form. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, especially regarding the use of commas in complex sentences, can help improve clarity and readability.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can enhance their grammatical range and accuracy, potentially raising their band score in future essays.

Bài sửa mẫu

There is a prevalent belief that equalizing the income disparity among classes is the most effective method to create a society of happiness. I strongly disagree with this opinion, and I contend that there are more effective ways to enhance societal happiness.

There is no denying that the spirit of the populace is likely to be more comfortable when the pursuit of wealth is not their priority anymore. They no longer bear the burden of finances, face competitive pressures, or experience a sense of jealousy with their peers and colleagues. This mental transition creates the possibility of harmony among people in society.

Despite the above advantages, it would be imprudent not to consider the severe repercussions of this occurrence. Society can potentially regress when citizens lose a significant motivation, which is money, to strive for improvements. They may become increasingly indolent because they acknowledge that the extent to which their contributions to their work does not affect their income.

Therefore, I deem that it would be more judicious if governmental bodies were to allocate more financial resources to the educational field, possibly resulting in reduced income disparity due to highly qualified human resources that have the ability to earn more money. In addition, businesses and educational institutions can also organize some courses or programs to improve the mental well-being of employees and students so that relationships among people can be more harmonious.

In conclusion, society could somewhat become better, but on the other hand, it is less likely to develop if the wealth gap were closed. Instead, several particular actions stemming from governments, businesses, and educational institutions can contribute more effectively to society.