Many people believe that watching a live performance is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some people claim that attending a live show is more interesting than enjoying it through the television. I believe that watching a performance on television is more relax and comfortable. I will give some reasons for my perspective in this essay.
On the one hand, there are some benefits for people who lively watch a performance. The most significant advantage is that people who are big fans of an artist or a music band can see their idol in real life. For instance, according to a survey in Vnexpress which is a famous newspaper website in Vietnam, it shows more than 70% young audiences are willing to spend a large amount of money just to meet their idols in real life.
On the other hand, I argue that watching a live show through the television is more beneficial. Firstly, enjoying the performance through the television can make people feel more comfortable.To be specific, the place where the concert is held can be filled with many people so it may become too congested and make people who are afraid of the crowd feel uncomfortable. So when people watch a live performance through the television, they can fully enjoy the performance on their sofa or bed with a relaxed sensation. Secondly, people are able to save their money because when people watch the concert through their television, they will not have to spend a large sum for a show ticket. For example, the ticket price for a concert of Black Pink, which is a famous music band in Korea, can be up to 1000 dollars so people who can’t afford that amount of money can enjoy it through the television.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that enjoying a show on television is more relaxing and comfortable than watching it lively.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

Errors and Improvements:

"more relax and comfortable" -> "more relaxing and comfortable"
Explanation: "Relax" should be changed to its adjectival form, "relaxing," to maintain parallel structure with "comfortable" and to adhere to formal language standards.
"lively watch" -> "live watching"
Explanation: "Lively" is not the appropriate adverb form here. "Live watching" is a more suitable construction for describing the act of watching something live.
"big fans" -> "ardent fans"
Explanation: "Big fans" is a colloquial expression. "Ardent fans" is a more formal and precise term that fits academic style.
"For instance" -> "For example"
Explanation: "For instance" is less formal than "For example" and is more commonly used in spoken language. "For example" is preferred in academic writing.
"according to a survey in Vnexpress which is a famous newspaper website in Vietnam" -> "according to a survey conducted by Vnexpress, a renowned Vietnamese news website"
Explanation: This revision provides a clearer attribution of the survey, maintains formality, and avoids redundancy by specifying that Vnexpress is a news website.
"it shows more than 70% young audiences" -> "it indicates that more than 70% of young audiences"
Explanation: "It shows" is a less precise expression compared to "it indicates." Additionally, "young audiences" should be pluralized to "young audience" for correct subject-verb agreement.
"watching a live show through the television" -> "watching a live show on television"
Explanation: "Through the television" is redundant. "On television" is a more concise and idiomatic phrase.
"can make people feel more comfortable" -> "can provide greater comfort"
Explanation: "Make people feel more comfortable" is somewhat redundant and lacks specificity. "Provide greater comfort" is a more concise and formal expression.
"To be specific" -> "Specifically"
Explanation: "To be specific" is a less formal expression compared to "specifically" and is often avoided in academic writing.
"may become too congested" -> "may become overly congested"
Explanation: "Too congested" is somewhat informal. "Overly congested" adds emphasis and aligns better with academic tone.
"a relaxed sensation" -> "a sense of relaxation"
Explanation: "Relaxed sensation" is a bit awkward. "Sense of relaxation" is a clearer and more formal phrasing.
"people are able to save their money" -> "individuals can save money"
Explanation: "People are able to save their money" is unnecessarily wordy. "Individuals can save money" is a more concise and formal alternative.
"watch the concert through their television" -> "watch the concert on their television"
Explanation: "Through their television" is redundant. "On their television" is more concise and idiomatic.
"For example, the ticket price for a concert of Black Pink, which is a famous music band in Korea, can be up to 1000 dollars" -> "For example, tickets for a concert by Black Pink, a renowned Korean music band, can cost up to $1000"
Explanation: This revision clarifies the example, maintains formality, and presents the dollar amount in the correct format.
"so people who can’t afford that amount of money can enjoy it through the television" -> "allowing those who cannot afford such expenses to enjoy it from the comfort of their homes"
Explanation: This revision rephrases the sentence for clarity and conciseness, avoiding the informal expression "that amount of money" and using a more formal structure.
"enjoying a show on television" -> "watching a performance on television"
Explanation: "Enjoying a show" is somewhat colloquial. "Watching a performance" is a more formal and precise phrase suitable for academic writing.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay adequately addresses both sides of the argument, discussing the benefits of attending a live performance as well as the advantages of watching it on television. It mentions the reasons why some prefer live shows and provides examples, such as meeting idols in real life. However, the explanation could be more balanced by delving deeper into the reasons why others prefer televised performances.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, consider exploring additional reasons why individuals might prefer watching live performances or why some might disagree with the idea that televised performances are superior. Provide more comprehensive examples or anecdotes to support each perspective.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that watching a performance on television is preferable due to the comfort and relaxation it offers. The position is articulated in the introduction and reinforced throughout the body paragraphs.
- How to improve: To further strengthen clarity, ensure that each paragraph consistently supports the stated position. Reiterate the main argument in the conclusion to reinforce the stance taken.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas adequately but could benefit from further development and elaboration. It introduces the advantages of both attending live performances and watching them on television but lacks depth in discussing these points. Examples are provided but could be expanded upon to provide more robust support for the arguments presented.
- How to improve: Extend each point by providing more detailed explanations, additional examples, or relevant evidence. Develop each idea further to enhance the persuasiveness and coherence of the argument.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic by discussing the relative merits of attending live performances versus watching them on television. However, there are minor deviations, such as the brief mention of the ticket price for a Black Pink concert, which could be considered tangential to the main argument.
- How to improve: Ensure that all examples and explanations directly contribute to the central argument. Avoid tangential points that do not directly address the prompt. Instead, focus on elaborating on the advantages and disadvantages of each viewing experience.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and presents a clear position, there is room for improvement in providing more comprehensive support for the arguments presented and maintaining focus on the topic throughout. Strengthening the depth of analysis and avoiding tangential points will enhance the overall coherence and persuasiveness of the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a basic level of logical organization. It begins with a clear introduction, followed by two body paragraphs presenting contrasting views, and concludes with a succinct summary. Each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence, supporting details, and a concluding sentence, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider refining the transitions between paragraphs to create a smoother flow of ideas. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph maintains a singular focus on its main idea to avoid any confusion or overlap of information.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively employs paragraphs to structure its content. Each paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the argument and is clearly delineated, aiding readability and comprehension.
- How to improve: While the use of paragraphs is commendable, pay attention to paragraph length to avoid overly long or short paragraphs. Aim for a balance between cohesion within paragraphs and coherence between paragraphs to maintain the reader’s engagement throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes a variety of cohesive devices, such as transition words ("on the one hand," "on the other hand," "firstly," "secondly," "in conclusion"), pronouns ("it," "they"), and repetition ("enjoying a show"). These cohesive devices contribute to the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.
- How to improve: While the essay incorporates cohesive devices effectively, strive for greater diversity and sophistication in their usage. Experiment with a wider range of transitional phrases and consider incorporating cohesive devices more seamlessly to enhance the flow between ideas and paragraphs. Additionally, ensure that pronouns are consistently clear and refer to specific antecedents to avoid ambiguity.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion principles, with clear organization, effective paragraphing, and appropriate use of cohesive devices. To achieve a higher band score, focus on refining transitions between paragraphs, balancing paragraph length, and diversifying the range of cohesive devices used. Additionally, strive for consistency in pronoun reference to maintain clarity throughout the essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some attempts to vary word choice. However, there are instances where repetition occurs, such as the repeated use of "comfortable" and "enjoying." While the essay includes specific examples to support points, the vocabulary used lacks depth and sophistication.
- How to improve: To enhance your lexical resource, try incorporating more diverse vocabulary throughout the essay. Instead of repeating words like "comfortable," consider synonyms like "relaxed" or "at ease." Additionally, strive to integrate advanced vocabulary related to the topic, such as synonyms for "beneficial" or "advantage," to elevate the sophistication of your writing.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some precision in vocabulary usage, particularly in the clear articulation of ideas. However, there are instances where imprecise language weakens the impact of the argument. For example, the phrase "more relax and comfortable" could be refined for clarity and precision.
- How to improve: Focus on using vocabulary precisely to convey your intended meaning with clarity. Avoid vague or ambiguous language that may detract from the strength of your argument. Consider revising phrases like "more relax and comfortable" to something more precise, such as "more relaxing and enjoyable."
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: Spelling accuracy in the essay is generally satisfactory, with only minor errors observed. However, there are a few instances where misspellings occur, such as "lively" instead of "live" and "comfortable" instead of "comfortably."
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, consider utilizing spell-check tools or proofreading your work carefully before submission. Pay close attention to commonly misspelled words and practice their correct usage to minimize errors in future writing.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates competence in lexical resource, there is room for improvement in expanding vocabulary range, enhancing precision in word choice, and ensuring consistent spelling accuracy. Incorporating these suggestions will contribute to a more polished and sophisticated piece of writing.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable variety of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There is evidence of relative clause usage ("who are big fans of an artist or a music band can see their idol in real life"), conditional sentences ("people who can’t afford that amount of money can enjoy it through the television"), and examples of adverbial phrases ("To be specific, the place where the concert is held can be filled with many people").
- How to improve: To further enhance the diversity and sophistication of sentence structures, consider incorporating more complex constructions such as inversion, participial phrases, and parallelism. Additionally, strive for greater fluency by varying sentence lengths and incorporating rhetorical devices like parallelism or anaphora.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates a good grasp of grammar and punctuation. However, there are instances of grammatical errors and punctuation inaccuracies throughout the essay. For example, "watching a live show is more interesting than enjoying it through the television" could be revised to "watching a live show is more interesting than enjoying it on television" for smoother parallelism. Additionally, there are minor errors in subject-verb agreement ("watching a live show through the television is more beneficial") and article usage ("the television" should be "television").
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, carefully review subject-verb agreement, article usage, and preposition placement. Additionally, pay close attention to punctuation marks such as commas, periods, and apostrophes to ensure clarity and coherence in your writing. Consider seeking feedback from peers or tutors to identify and correct recurring errors.

Bài sửa mẫu

Some individuals argue that attending a live show is more captivating than experiencing it via television. However, I contend that watching a performance on television is more relaxing and comfortable. I will elucidate my viewpoint with the following reasons.

On one hand, there are undeniable advantages to witnessing a performance live. The foremost benefit is the opportunity for ardent fans to see their favorite artists or music bands in person. For instance, a survey conducted by Vnexpress, a renowned Vietnamese news website, indicates that more than 70% of young audiences are eager to spend significant sums just to experience their idols live.

On the other hand, I maintain that viewing a live show on television offers greater comfort. Firstly, it provides a sense of relaxation that may be lacking in crowded live venues. Specifically, the atmosphere of a live concert can often become overly congested, making individuals uncomfortable, particularly those who are averse to large crowds. Thus, watching the performance from the comfort of one’s sofa or bed allows for a more relaxed experience.

Secondly, watching the performance on television can also be financially advantageous. By doing so, individuals can save money that would otherwise be spent on expensive show tickets. For example, tickets for a concert by Black Pink, a renowned Korean music band, can cost up to $1000, thus allowing those who cannot afford such expenses to enjoy it from the comfort of their homes.

In conclusion, I firmly believe that watching a performance on television offers a greater sense of relaxation and comfort compared to experiencing it live.