Many people living in cities these days do not get enough physical exercise. What are the causes and the main effects

The number of inhabitants today do not have physical exercise everyday. These reasons will be illustrated in the impending paragraphs along with their main effects.
To begin with, technology dependence is a very common trend nowadays. This is because people spend more time using electronic devices such as computers and mobile phones than using their hands to do tasks for instance shopping and office work. In addition, people have busy lifestyles. Because they can easily get tired after doing many things.
These issues will bring a lot of harm and affect the health of people who do not participate in physical exercise. The people who do not enjoy in this activity are likely to be a weak and reduce life expectancy. Furthermore, if people living in modern areas experience power outages, they may not be able to even the simplest things, For example, cleaning the house.
In conclusion, it can be concluded that technology and busy lifestyles are the cause of less physical activity, and it brings many undesirable consequences to the health of people who do not participate in.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The number of inhabitants today do not have physical exercise everyday." -> "The majority of inhabitants today do not engage in physical exercise daily."
Explanation: The original phrase is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised version corrects the grammatical error and uses more formal language suitable for academic writing.
"These reasons will be illustrated in the impending paragraphs along with their main effects." -> "These reasons will be discussed in the following paragraphs, along with their primary effects."
Explanation: "Impending" is incorrectly used; "following" is more appropriate. Also, "primary" is more precise than "main" in an academic context.
"technology dependence is a very common trend nowadays" -> "technology dependence is a prevalent trend today"
Explanation: "Very common" is vague and informal; "prevalent" is more precise and formal. "Nowadays" is informal; "today" is more suitable for academic writing.
"people spend more time using electronic devices such as computers and mobile phones than using their hands to do tasks for instance shopping and office work" -> "individuals spend more time utilizing electronic devices such as computers and mobile phones than performing manual tasks such as shopping and office work"
Explanation: "People" is too informal; "individuals" is more formal. "Using" is replaced with "utilizing" for a more formal tone, and "for instance" is replaced with "such as" for a more academic style.
"Because they can easily get tired after doing many things." -> "Because they often become fatigued after completing numerous tasks."
Explanation: "Because they can easily get tired" is informal and vague; "Because they often become fatigued" is more precise and formal. "Doing many things" is vague; "completing numerous tasks" is more specific.
"These issues will bring a lot of harm and affect the health of people who do not participate in physical exercise." -> "These issues will inflict significant harm and negatively impact the health of individuals who do not engage in physical exercise."
Explanation: "Bring a lot of harm" is informal and vague; "inflict significant harm" is more precise and formal. "Affect" is replaced with "negatively impact" for clarity and formality.
"The people who do not enjoy in this activity are likely to be a weak and reduce life expectancy." -> "Individuals who do not participate in this activity are likely to be weakened and experience reduced life expectancy."
Explanation: "Enjoy in" is grammatically incorrect; "participate in" is correct. "A weak" is grammatically incorrect; "weakened" is the correct form. "Reduce" is incorrect; "experience reduced" is the correct phrase.
"For example, cleaning the house." -> "For example, performing tasks such as cleaning the house."
Explanation: "For example" is too informal; "such as" is more appropriate in academic writing. Adding "performing tasks" clarifies the action.
"it can be concluded that" -> "it can be concluded that"
Explanation: The phrase "it can be concluded that" is redundant; "it can be concluded" is sufficient and more concise.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Task Response: 5 – UNDER WORD

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to address the prompt by identifying causes (technology dependence and busy lifestyles) and effects (health issues and reduced life expectancy). However, it lacks depth in exploring these causes and effects. For instance, while technology dependence is mentioned, the essay does not elaborate on how it specifically leads to a lack of physical exercise or detail the health consequences that arise from this inactivity. Additionally, the mention of power outages as a consequence feels tangential and does not directly relate to the main topic of physical exercise.
- How to improve: To better address all parts of the question, the writer should provide more detailed explanations and examples for each cause and effect. For instance, they could discuss how sedentary jobs contribute to a lack of exercise or provide statistics on health issues related to inactivity. Ensuring that each point made directly ties back to the prompt will strengthen the response.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that technology and busy lifestyles are the main causes of insufficient physical exercise. However, the position is not consistently clear throughout the essay. The transition from causes to effects is abrupt, and the conclusion reiterates the causes without clearly summarizing the effects. This lack of coherence can confuse the reader regarding the writer’s stance.
- How to improve: To maintain a clear and consistent position, the writer should use topic sentences that clearly outline the main idea of each paragraph. Additionally, a more structured approach, such as clearly delineating causes in one paragraph and effects in another, would help reinforce the essay’s overall argument.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents some ideas, such as technology dependence and busy lifestyles, but these ideas are not well-developed or supported. For example, the statement about people being "weak" due to lack of exercise is vague and lacks supporting evidence or examples. The effects mentioned are not sufficiently extended or explained, leading to a lack of depth in the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the presentation and support of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate on each point made. This could include providing specific examples, data, or anecdotes that illustrate the impact of technology and busy lifestyles on physical activity. Additionally, using linking words and phrases can help to create a more cohesive flow of ideas.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally stays on topic, focusing on the causes and effects of insufficient physical exercise. However, the mention of power outages and cleaning the house introduces an unrelated idea that distracts from the main focus. This deviation weakens the overall coherence of the essay.
- How to improve: To maintain focus and relevance, the writer should ensure that every point made directly relates to the prompt. Avoiding tangential ideas and sticking closely to the causes and effects of physical inactivity will help keep the essay on track. A careful review of each paragraph to ensure alignment with the main topic can also be beneficial.

Overall, to improve the essay and potentially raise the band score, the writer should focus on expanding their ideas, providing clear examples, maintaining a consistent position, and ensuring that all content is relevant to the prompt. Additionally, addressing the word count issue is crucial, as being under the required word count can significantly impact the overall score.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing causes, and a conclusion. However, the logical flow is somewhat hindered by abrupt transitions between ideas. For example, the transition from discussing technology dependence to busy lifestyles lacks a clear connective phrase or sentence that ties these two causes together. Additionally, the effects mentioned in the body are not clearly linked back to the causes, which can confuse the reader regarding the relationship between the two.
- How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the writer should ensure that each paragraph flows smoothly into the next. This can be achieved by using transitional phrases such as "In addition," "Moreover," or "Conversely" to connect ideas. Furthermore, explicitly linking causes to their effects in the body paragraphs would help clarify the argument. For instance, after discussing technology dependence, the writer could state, "This reliance on technology not only reduces physical activity but also leads to health issues such as obesity."
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, but the effectiveness of these paragraphs could be improved. The first body paragraph discusses technology dependence, while the second addresses busy lifestyles, but both paragraphs could benefit from clearer topic sentences that outline the main idea. Additionally, the conclusion does not effectively summarize the key points made in the body paragraphs, which diminishes the overall impact of the essay.
- How to improve: Each paragraph should begin with a clear topic sentence that states the main idea. For example, the first body paragraph could start with, "One significant cause of reduced physical activity in urban areas is the increasing dependence on technology." This would provide clarity and focus. In the conclusion, the writer should briefly restate the main causes and effects discussed, reinforcing the argument made throughout the essay.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates some use of cohesive devices, such as "in addition" and "for example," but the range is limited. The use of cohesive devices is somewhat repetitive, and there are instances where the connections between sentences and ideas are weak. For example, the phrase "These issues will bring a lot of harm" could be better connected to the previous sentences to clarify what "these issues" refers to.
- How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, the writer should incorporate a wider variety of linking words and phrases. For instance, using "Consequently," "As a result," or "This leads to" can help clarify relationships between ideas. Additionally, ensuring that pronouns and references are clear will strengthen cohesion. Instead of saying "these issues," the writer could specify "the issues of technology dependence and busy lifestyles," which would make the connection clearer for the reader.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the essay can achieve greater clarity, coherence, and cohesion, potentially raising the band score in this criterion.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with some appropriate terms such as "technology dependence," "busy lifestyles," and "physical exercise." However, the vocabulary is somewhat repetitive and lacks variety. For instance, the phrase "do not have physical exercise" could be expressed in multiple ways, such as "lack physical activity" or "are insufficiently active." Additionally, the use of "many things" is vague and could be replaced with more specific terms to enhance clarity.
- How to improve: To improve lexical variety, the writer should aim to incorporate synonyms and related terms throughout the essay. For example, instead of repeatedly using "physical exercise," alternatives like "physical activity," "exercise routines," or "fitness practices" could be employed. Expanding vocabulary through reading and practice will also help in using a broader range of expressions.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: There are instances of imprecise vocabulary usage, such as "the people who do not enjoy in this activity are likely to be a weak." The phrase "a weak" is grammatically incorrect and unclear; it should specify "weak individuals" or "weak in health." Additionally, "undesirable consequences" is a vague term that could be more explicitly defined, such as "serious health issues" or "chronic diseases."
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that accurately conveys the intended meaning. This involves understanding the nuances of words and choosing those that best fit the context. Engaging in exercises that emphasize word choice and context can be beneficial.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several spelling errors, such as "dependence" (misspelled as "dependence"), "inhabitants" (should be "inhabitants"), and "concluded" (the phrase "it can be concluded" is awkward and could be better phrased). While the overall spelling is generally understandable, these errors detract from the professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading their work carefully. Utilizing spell-check tools and reading the essay aloud can help catch errors. Additionally, maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words and practicing them can enhance spelling skills over time.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a foundational understanding of vocabulary, there is significant room for improvement in range, precision, and spelling accuracy. By actively expanding vocabulary, focusing on precise word choices, and enhancing spelling practices, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a limited range of sentence structures. For example, the writer primarily uses simple and compound sentences, such as "The number of inhabitants today do not have physical exercise everyday" and "This is because people spend more time using electronic devices." While these sentences convey the message, they lack complexity and variation. The use of more complex structures, such as relative clauses or conditional sentences, is minimal, which restricts the overall sophistication of the writing.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer should practice incorporating complex sentences into their writing. For instance, instead of saying, "people spend more time using electronic devices," they could say, "people, who are increasingly reliant on technology, spend more time using electronic devices." Additionally, using introductory phrases or clauses can help to create more varied sentence beginnings, which adds to the overall flow and interest of the essay.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation issues that detract from its clarity. For example, the phrase "do not have physical exercise everyday" should use "every day" as two words when referring to the frequency of an action. Additionally, the sentence "Because they can easily get tired after doing many things" is a fragment and lacks a main clause. There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, as seen in "The number of inhabitants today do not," where "number" is singular and should be followed by "does not." Punctuation errors include the lack of commas in complex sentences, such as before "for instance" and after introductory phrases.
- How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on subject-verb agreement and sentence completeness. Practicing sentence combining and ensuring that each sentence has a clear subject and predicate will help eliminate fragments. Additionally, reviewing punctuation rules, particularly regarding the use of commas in complex sentences and lists, will enhance clarity. Regular grammar exercises and seeking feedback on written work can also aid in identifying and correcting persistent errors.

By addressing these areas for improvement, the writer can work towards achieving a higher band score in Grammatical Range and Accuracy.

Bài sửa mẫu

The number of inhabitants today do not engage in physical exercise every day. These reasons will be illustrated in the following paragraphs, along with their main effects.

To begin with, technology dependence is a very common trend nowadays. This is because people spend more time utilizing electronic devices such as computers and mobile phones than performing manual tasks, such as shopping and office work. In addition, people have busy lifestyles because they often become fatigued after completing numerous tasks.

These issues will inflict significant harm and negatively impact the health of individuals who do not engage in physical exercise. Individuals who do not participate in this activity are likely to be weakened and experience reduced life expectancy. Furthermore, if people living in modern areas experience power outages, they may not be able to even perform the simplest tasks, for example, cleaning the house.

In conclusion, it can be concluded that technology and busy lifestyles are the causes of less physical activity, and they bring many undesirable consequences to the health of people who do not participate in this activity.