Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a negative or possitive development?

Many people nowadays spend a large part of their free time using a smartphone. What do you think are the reasons for this?
Do you think this is a negative or possitive development?

In the present day and age, people have the tendancy to use smartphone in their leisure time.
The aim of this essay to review the causes of this addiction and analyse whether it is benificial or not.
In my opinion, there are two main reasons associated with this phenomenon. Firstly, along with the significant development in technology, smart phone has become the most popular gadget in today’s world which is largely affordable to all ages of individuals. Additionally, proliferation of applications for mobile phone which meet user’s demand from basics to various advanced sources, may attract people to glue to it for long hours. For instance, instead of a simple call, staying in touch with friends, families who live far way from us, has been apprently facilitated by video calls, voice chat, message with icons. Beside that, people can just watch a thrilled movies, access endless sources in Internet or keep up with the lastest news thoughout the world.
This development, on the other hand, has negative consequences. In terms of society, it limits individuals from direct interaction among community, even within family. Moveover, sticking to digital devices for long time results in a damaging impact on the well-being of population, such as eye-related disorders. The more we feel unable to be disconnected to a mobile phones, the more chance to lead to a serious addiction.
In conclusion, while the development of technology like smartphones are very advantageous, it has some bad effect side as taking up so much of our leisure time.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

  1. "people have the tendancy to use smartphone" -> "individuals tend to use smartphones"
    Explanation: Replacing "people have the tendancy to use smartphone" with "individuals tend to use smartphones" removes the informal language and uses a more appropriate term for the device while maintaining natural language flow.

  2. "The aim of this essay to review the causes" -> "The objective of this essay is to examine the factors"
    Explanation: Substituting "The aim of this essay to review the causes" with "The objective of this essay is to examine the factors" enhances the formality and clarity of the sentence.

  3. "benificial" -> "beneficial"
    Explanation: Correcting the misspelled word "benificial" to "beneficial" ensures proper spelling and maintains academic tone.

  4. "smart phone" -> "smartphone"
    Explanation: Removing the space in "smart phone" to make it "smartphone" is the correct way to spell this term and aligns with academic style.

  5. "beside that" -> "Furthermore"
    Explanation: Replacing "beside that" with "Furthermore" improves the transition between sentences and provides a more formal tone.

  6. "watch a thrilled movies" -> "enjoy thrilling movies"
    Explanation: Changing "watch a thrilled movies" to "enjoy thrilling movies" corrects the grammar and uses a more appropriate verb.

  7. "thoughout the world" -> "across the world"
    Explanation: Replacing "thoughout the world" with "across the world" offers a more standard expression and maintains formality.

  8. "Moveover" -> "Moreover"
    Explanation: Correcting "Moveover" to "Moreover" fixes the spelling error and improves the sentence’s formality.

  9. "eye-related disorders" -> "ocular disorders"
    Explanation: Substituting "eye-related disorders" with "ocular disorders" uses a more specific and academically appropriate term.

  10. "lead to a serious addiction" -> "result in a severe addiction"
    Explanation: Changing "lead to a serious addiction" to "result in a severe addiction" conveys the idea more precisely and maintains a formal tone.

  11. "taking up so much of our leisure time" -> "occupying a significant portion of our leisure time"
    Explanation: Replacing "taking up so much of our leisure time" with "occupying a significant portion of our leisure time" provides a more elaborate and formal expression.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

  • Answer All Parts of the Question:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the question, discussing the reasons for the widespread use of smartphones and presenting a clear stance on whether it is a negative or positive development.
    • How to improve: To further enhance this aspect, the writer can explicitly state their stance in the introduction, making it even clearer to the reader.
  • Present a Clear Position Throughout:

    • Detailed explanation: The writer’s position is clear; they believe that while smartphones have advantages, they also have negative consequences.
    • How to improve: The writer can strengthen their position by providing a stronger thesis statement in the introduction and reinforcing it throughout the essay.
  • Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about the reasons for smartphone use and provides examples and explanations to support these ideas. It discusses the negative consequences as well.
    • How to improve: To further improve this aspect, the writer can provide more specific examples and data to support their claims and enhance the depth of their analysis.
  • Stay on Topic:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic but occasionally deviates slightly, particularly when discussing the benefits of smartphones. These deviations do not significantly detract from the overall coherence of the essay.
    • How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that each point made relates directly to the topic and question asked. Avoiding tangential discussions can improve clarity and coherence.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a strong grasp of the task and provides a well-structured response with a clear position. To improve, the writer can work on providing stronger topic sentences, more specific evidence, and maintaining a laser focus on the topic throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

  • Organize Information Logically:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a reasonably logical organization by presenting an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. It begins by introducing the topic and stating the purpose of the essay, followed by two body paragraphs discussing the reasons for smartphone usage and its negative consequences. Finally, it concludes by summarizing the main points.
    • How to improve: To enhance logical organization, the essay should focus on developing clear topic sentences at the beginning of each body paragraph to guide the reader. Additionally, transitioning between ideas could be smoother to improve overall coherence.
  • Use Paragraphs:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs paragraphs, which is a positive aspect. However, there is room for improvement in terms of their structure and effectiveness. Paragraphs lack a clear topic sentence in some instances, making it challenging to understand the main point. For example, the second paragraph could benefit from a stronger topic sentence.
    • How to improve: Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the essay prompt and provides a roadmap for the content within that paragraph. This will help in creating a stronger structure and making the essay more reader-friendly.
  • Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices such as transition words (e.g., "Firstly," "Additionally," "Beside that," "In conclusion") to connect ideas. However, the use of these devices is limited and somewhat repetitive.
    • How to improve: To improve cohesion, diversify the use of cohesive devices. Instead of relying heavily on phrases like "Firstly" and "Additionally," consider using a broader range of transitional expressions. Furthermore, ensure that these devices are used consistently throughout the essay to connect sentences and ideas more effectively.

Overall, this essay demonstrates a good understanding of coherence and cohesion principles. With some refinements in organization, paragraph structure, and a wider variety of cohesive devices, it can achieve an even higher score in the Coherence and Cohesion criteria.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary. It uses some varied words and phrases such as "proliferation," "facilitated," and "well-being," but it lacks a consistent and extensive use of diverse vocabulary. For instance, there is repetition of phrases like "smartphone" and "mobile phone."
    • How to improve: To enhance vocabulary, the writer should aim for greater synonym variety. Instead of frequently repeating "smartphone," they could use alternatives like "cell phone," "mobile device," or "handheld device." Moreover, introducing more complex vocabulary and idiomatic expressions would elevate the lexical richness of the essay.
  • Use Vocabulary Precisely:

    • Detailed explanation: The precision of vocabulary usage is mixed. Some terms are used accurately, such as "addiction," "technology," and "well-being." However, there are imprecise word choices, like "addiction" might not be the best term to describe excessive smartphone usage. "Tendency" should be used instead of "tendancy," and "beneficial" instead of "benificial."
    • How to improve: To improve precision, the writer should carefully select words that precisely convey their intended meaning. Using a thesaurus and proofreading for accuracy can help avoid imprecise language.
  • Use Correct Spelling:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits several spelling errors, such as "tendancy" (tendency), "benificial" (beneficial), "apprently" (apparently), "lastest" (latest), "thoughout" (throughout), and "moveover" (moreover). These errors affect the overall quality of the essay.
    • How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should proofread their work carefully. Using spell-check tools or seeking feedback from others can help identify and correct spelling mistakes. Developing good spelling habits through practice is also essential.

In conclusion, while the essay demonstrates some strengths in vocabulary usage, such as varied words and precise terms, it is hindered by a lack of consistent vocabulary diversity and numerous spelling errors. To improve the lexical resource, the writer should aim for greater synonym variety, enhance precision in word choice, and prioritize spelling accuracy.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 6

  • Use a Wide Range of Structures:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay displays a limited range of sentence structures. Most sentences are simple and lack complexity. There is a frequent use of basic sentence structures, and there is a lack of variety in sentence length and style.
    • How to improve: To improve the use of a wide range of structures, the writer should aim to incorporate more complex sentence structures, such as compound and complex sentences. This can be achieved by using subordinate clauses, transitions, and varying the sentence length for better fluency and coherence. Additionally, employing rhetorical devices like parallelism or rhetorical questions can enhance the essay’s overall quality.
  • Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

    • Detailed explanation: The essay contains several grammatical errors and punctuation mistakes that affect clarity and comprehension. For example, "the tendancy" should be "the tendency," "benificial" should be "beneficial," and "lastest" should be "latest." There are also issues with subject-verb agreement, such as "smartphone has become" should be "smartphones have become," and "have negative consequences" should be "has negative consequences." Punctuation errors include missing commas and inconsistent capitalization.
    • How to improve: To enhance grammar and punctuation accuracy, the writer should proofread carefully, paying attention to subject-verb agreement, verb tense consistency, and correct word usage. It’s essential to use commas appropriately for clarity and to distinguish between compound and complex sentences. Consistent capitalization should be maintained for proper nouns and sentence beginnings.

Overall, while the essay provides a clear response to the essay prompt and demonstrates a reasonable level of language proficiency, there is room for improvement in grammatical range and accuracy. Focusing on a broader range of sentence structures and improving grammar and punctuation skills will contribute to achieving a higher band score.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s world, individuals tend to use smartphones during their leisure time. The objective of this essay is to examine the factors behind this behavior and assess whether it is beneficial or detrimental.

In my opinion, there are two primary reasons for this phenomenon. Firstly, with the significant advancements in technology, smartphones have become the most popular and affordable gadgets for people of all ages. Additionally, the abundance of mobile applications catering to various user needs, from basic to advanced functions, tends to captivate individuals, making them spend extended periods glued to their smartphones. For instance, instead of making a simple phone call, people can now easily stay in touch with friends and family who live far away through video calls, voice chats, and messaging with emoticons. Moreover, smartphones offer the opportunity to enjoy thrilling movies, access a wealth of information on the Internet, and stay updated with the latest global news.

However, this trend also has its negative consequences. From a societal perspective, it hinders direct interaction among community members and even within families. Furthermore, prolonged use of digital devices can lead to detrimental effects on people’s well-being, particularly in terms of ocular disorders. The more individuals feel compelled to stay connected to their mobile phones, the greater the risk of developing a severe addiction.

In conclusion, while the widespread use of smartphones and technological advancements offer numerous advantages, such as enhanced communication and access to information, they also come with downsides, including reduced interpersonal interactions and potential health issues. It is crucial for individuals to strike a balance between the benefits and drawbacks of smartphone usage in their leisure time.

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