Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, and so on) for purposes such as signing up for social networks or online banking. Is this a positive or negative development?

Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number, and so on) for purposes such as signing up for social networks or online banking.
Is this a positive or negative development?

Nowadays is the era of digital technology, people have promoted significant facilities to enhanced convenience of transactions and communications like share their personal information on online to signing up social network or online banking. In my opinion, there are certain drawbacks, therefore this trend is dominant with it’s positive evolution in our digital society.
The main concern with this trend is the high level of risky when share personal information to parties can lead to privacy breaches and identify theft. Online platforms such as banking app, shopping app or sign in to social media require us supply name, phone number, home address…As this information are accessible online, it creates opportunities for cybercrime to exploit such data. Companies might exploit personal information for purposes beyond the original intent, including invasive advertising or selling data to third parties without consent. We can be call by several phishing like real estate, consulting on registering bank accounts, winning prizes in some programs that you never know…. Because of our information have been sold for many parties that we can’t know about. The news has update about sophisticated fraud tricks is you only take up a call from the number have strange start number or have name flash AL you will be stolen all your personal detail or money on bank account that you were signed before in phone.
On the flip side, the accessible and managing services that we just need some simple act on smartphone without the need for physical interactions or paperwork. Sign for a bank account for past time you must go to the bank to fill some form and face to face transaction but now we can stay at home download the app from the bank you want to use and do proceedings. Services for life like banking, order stuffs, booking movie ticket, or even order food on online app… is wide use in social. Social networks facilitate such as Zalo and Facebook help connections with friends, family, and colleagues, regardless of geographical boundaries, fostering relationships and community building. These benefits not only simplify logistical aspects of life but also enrich social interactions, illustrating the positive aspects of sharing personal information online.
In conclusion, to enhance quality of life the need of digital technology is huge. Come along with that is provide necessary personal information to variety of platforms but we also a clear and intelligent perception and prevent cybercrime.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

1. "Nowadays is the era of digital technology" -> "Today is the era of digital technology"
   Explanation: The phrase "Nowadays is" is grammatically incorrect. "Today is" is the correct temporal marker for the present time, aligning with formal academic style.

2. "people have promoted significant facilities to enhanced convenience" -> "people have gained significant facilities that enhance convenience"
   Explanation: "Promoted" is incorrect in this context; "gained" is more appropriate as it correctly indicates the acquisition of benefits. Also, "enhanced" should be "enhance" to maintain grammatical correctness.

3. "like share their personal information on online to signing up social network or online banking" -> "such as sharing their personal information online to sign up for social networks or online banking"
   Explanation: "Like" is informal and imprecise; "such as" is more formal and appropriate for listing examples. "Signing up" should be "sign up for" to correct the preposition usage.

4. "therefore this trend is dominant with it’s positive evolution" -> "therefore, this trend is dominant with its positive evolution"
   Explanation: "It’s" is a contraction and should be "its" for possessive form. Also, a comma is needed after "therefore" for proper punctuation.

5. "high level of risky" -> "high level of risk"
   Explanation: "Risky" is an adjective and should be used as an adjective, not a noun. "Risk" is the correct noun form.

6. "share personal information to parties" -> "share personal information with parties"
   Explanation: "To" is incorrect; "with" is the correct preposition for indicating the relationship between sharing and parties.

7. "We can be call by several phishing" -> "We can be called by several phishing scams"
   Explanation: "Call" should be "called" for subject-verb agreement, and "phishing" should be "phishing scams" to specify the type of scams.

8. "Because of our information have been sold for many parties that we can’t know about" -> "Because our information has been sold to numerous parties that we are unaware of"
   Explanation: "Have been sold" should be "has been sold" for subject-verb agreement. "Many parties" is vague; "numerous parties" is more precise. "Can’t know" should be "are unaware of" for a more formal tone.

9. "The news has update about sophisticated fraud tricks" -> "The news updates about sophisticated fraud tricks"
   Explanation: "Has update" is grammatically incorrect; "updates" is the correct verb form. Also, "about" should be "on" for correct preposition usage.

10. "you only take up a call from the number have strange start number or have name flash AL" -> "you only answer a call from a number with an unusual starting number or a name flashing AL"
    Explanation: "Take up" is incorrect; "answer" is the correct verb for responding to a call. "Have strange start number" is awkward and unclear; "with an unusual starting number" is clearer and more formal. "Have name flash AL" is unclear; "a name flashing AL" is more precise.

11. "do proceedings" -> "complete the proceedings"
    Explanation: "Do proceedings" is informal and unclear; "complete the proceedings" is more formal and specific.

12. "Services for life like banking, order stuffs, booking movie ticket, or even order food on online app… is wide use in social" -> "Services such as banking, ordering goods, booking movie tickets, or even ordering food through online apps are widely used in social media"
    Explanation: "Services for life" is vague and informal; "Services such as" is more precise. "Order stuffs" is informal and incorrect; "ordering goods" is more formal. "Booking movie ticket" should be "booking movie tickets" for plural agreement. "Order food on online app" should be "ordering food through online apps" for clarity and formality.

13. "Social networks facilitate such as Zalo and Facebook" -> "Social networks such as Zalo and Facebook facilitate"
    Explanation: The verb "facilitate" should come after the list of examples, not before, for correct sentence structure.

14. "Come along with that is provide necessary personal information" -> "This comes with the need to provide necessary personal information"
    Explanation: "Come along with that is provide" is grammatically incorrect and awkward; "This comes with the need to provide" is clearer and more formal.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Task Response: 6

• Answer All Parts of the Question:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both the positive and negative aspects of sharing personal information online. It discusses the risks associated with privacy breaches and identity theft, as well as the convenience and efficiency brought about by digital platforms like online banking and social networks.
  • How to improve: While the essay touches upon both sides, it could benefit from more balanced exploration and deeper analysis. Specifically, providing more detailed examples or statistics to support claims about the risks of cybercrime and the benefits of convenience would strengthen the argument.

• Present a Clear Position Throughout:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear stance that while there are risks involved in sharing personal information online, the benefits in terms of convenience and connectivity outweigh these risks.
  • How to improve: To enhance clarity, ensure that each paragraph consistently supports this position. Introduce a clear thesis statement early on and reinforce it throughout the essay with cohesive arguments and examples.

• Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay presents ideas about both the risks and benefits of sharing personal information online. It elaborates on these ideas with examples such as cybercrime risks and the convenience of digital services.
  • How to improve: Strengthen the essay by providing more specific examples or case studies to illustrate points. Develop each idea further to deepen the analysis and provide a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.

• Stay on Topic:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay mostly stays on topic by discussing the implications of sharing personal information online, including both positive and negative aspects.
  • How to improve: Ensure that every paragraph directly relates to the prompt. Avoid drifting into tangential topics, such as general technology advancements, unless directly relevant to supporting the main argument about personal information sharing.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a reasonable understanding of the topic with a balanced approach to discussing both sides of the issue. To improve, focus on providing more detailed analysis, supporting claims with specific examples or evidence, and ensuring a consistent focus on the prompt throughout the essay.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 6

• Organize Information Logically:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a reasonable attempt to organize information logically. It begins with an introduction that introduces the topic and states a clear opinion. Each body paragraph addresses different aspects of the issue, discussing both positive and negative impacts of sharing personal information online. However, transitions between paragraphs could be smoother to improve coherence. For instance, there is a sudden shift between discussing risks in the first body paragraph to benefits in the second without a clear bridge.
  • How to improve: To enhance logical flow, ensure each paragraph builds upon the previous one. Use transition words and phrases (e.g., "However," "On the other hand," "In contrast") to clearly signal shifts in focus or perspective. Consider restructuring paragraphs to maintain a more consistent flow of ideas throughout the essay.

• Use Paragraphs:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay utilizes paragraphs effectively to separate different ideas and arguments. Each paragraph generally focuses on a single aspect of the topic and develops it with relevant examples and explanations. However, there are instances where paragraphs could be more cohesive internally. For example, the first body paragraph introduces risks of sharing personal information but lacks clear sub-points or topic sentences within the paragraph.
  • How to improve: Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that directly relates to the thesis statement or main argument of the essay. Support each topic sentence with specific examples or details that strengthen the argument presented. Consider revising to ensure each paragraph maintains a clear focus and contributes cohesively to the overall argument.

• Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay attempts to use cohesive devices to link ideas and create coherence. There is some use of cohesive devices such as pronouns ("this trend," "these benefits") and conjunctions ("therefore," "on the flip side") to connect sentences and ideas. However, the variety and effectiveness of these devices could be improved to enhance overall coherence.
  • How to improve: Increase the variety of cohesive devices used, including synonyms, referencing words, and conjunctions to create clearer relationships between sentences and paragraphs. Ensure that cohesive devices are used consistently throughout the essay to maintain a smooth and logical progression of ideas. Practice integrating these devices seamlessly to improve overall coherence and cohesion.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a basic level of coherence and cohesion by addressing both positive and negative aspects of sharing personal information online, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and cohesive device usage would elevate the essay to a higher band score. Focus on clarity and consistency in presenting arguments and enhancing connections between ideas to achieve a more cohesive and coherent essay.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

• Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary relevant to the topic. It includes terms like "digital technology," "enhanced convenience," "transactions," "communications," "privacy breaches," "identify theft," "cybercrime," "phishing," "invasive advertising," "sophisticated fraud tricks," "physical interactions," "logistical aspects," and "community building." These terms adequately convey the writer’s ideas but lack consistent sophistication and variety.
  • How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim for more nuanced and precise vocabulary choices. For instance, instead of using basic terms like "digital technology," consider more specific terms like "information technology advancements" or "cybernetic innovations." Incorporating synonyms and avoiding repetition of terms (e.g., using "fraudulent schemes" instead of "fraud tricks") would also enhance lexical variety.

• Use Vocabulary Precisely:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay sometimes uses vocabulary precisely, such as in describing "privacy breaches" and "identify theft." However, there are instances where vocabulary lacks precision, leading to ambiguity or awkwardness. For example, the phrase "the trend is dominant with it’s positive evolution" could be more precisely stated as "the trend is primarily characterized by its positive evolution."
  • How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should carefully select vocabulary that precisely fits the intended meaning. Avoid using vague terms or expressions that could be interpreted in multiple ways. Using specific examples or defining terms where necessary can also clarify the intended message.

• Use Correct Spelling:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay exhibits noticeable issues with spelling accuracy. Examples include "sophisticated fraud tricks," where "tricks" is correctly spelled but the sentence structure and grammar could benefit from improvement. There are also instances of incorrect word forms, such as "can be call by several phishing like real estate," where "call" should be "called."
  • How to improve: Improving spelling accuracy requires careful proofreading and possibly using spell-check tools. It’s important to review each word for correctness, paying attention to common mistakes like homophones ("their" vs. "there") and ensuring correct verb forms and tenses. Developing a habit of revising written work systematically can greatly improve spelling accuracy.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and adequate use of vocabulary, there is room for improvement in both precision and spelling accuracy. By refining vocabulary choices to be more specific and enhancing spelling through thorough proofreading, the writer can achieve a higher band score in Lexical Resource.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 5

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5

• Use a Wide Range of Structures:

  • Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of sentence structures, including simple, compound, and complex sentences. There are instances of effective sentence variety, such as complex sentences used to elaborate on ideas ("The main concern with this trend is the high level of risky when share personal information…") and compound sentences to connect related ideas ("Companies might exploit personal information for purposes beyond the original intent, including invasive advertising or selling data to third parties without consent.").
  • How to improve: To further enhance the essay’s structural variety, consider integrating more complex sentence structures consistently throughout the essay. This could involve using conditional sentences ("If personal information is shared online, precautions must be taken to avoid risks."), passive constructions ("Personal information can be exploited by companies for purposes beyond their original intent."), or varying sentence lengths for emphasis and clarity.

• Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

  • Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay demonstrates reasonable grammatical accuracy with occasional errors. For instance, there are issues with subject-verb agreement ("the accessible and managing services") and tense consistency ("The news has update about sophisticated fraud tricks"). Punctuation is generally used correctly, though there are instances of comma splices and missing commas in complex sentences.
  • How to improve: To improve grammatical accuracy, focus on reviewing subject-verb agreement rules and ensure consistency in verb tenses throughout the essay. Pay attention to sentence boundaries to avoid comma splices, and use commas correctly to enhance clarity and readability. Practicing with sentence structure variety and grammatical exercises can help in achieving more precision in writing.

Overall, while the essay effectively addresses the prompt and demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic, enhancing sentence structure variety and improving grammatical accuracy will further strengthen the clarity and coherence of the writing.

Bài sửa mẫu

In today’s digital era, people have embraced significant conveniences enabled by digital technology, such as sharing personal information online to sign up for social networks or online banking. This trend has undoubtedly brought about positive developments in our society, despite some notable drawbacks.

One primary concern associated with sharing personal information online is the heightened risk of privacy breaches and identity theft. Platforms like banking apps, shopping apps, and social media require users to provide sensitive details like names, phone numbers, and addresses. Unfortunately, this information can be exploited by cybercriminals for malicious purposes. Companies may also misuse personal data for activities like targeted advertising or unauthorized data sales to third parties, without user consent. This situation has led to an increase in phishing scams targeting unsuspecting individuals, including fraudulent calls that deceive people into revealing personal details or transferring money unknowingly.

On the other hand, the accessibility and efficiency of online services cannot be overlooked. Tasks that previously required physical interaction or paperwork, such as opening a bank account, can now be completed conveniently from a smartphone. Services like banking transactions, shopping, ticket booking, and food delivery have become commonplace on social media platforms like Zalo and Facebook, enhancing convenience and connectivity globally.

In conclusion, while there are clear advantages to the widespread sharing of personal information online, including enhanced convenience and global connectivity, there are significant risks that individuals must navigate cautiously. It is crucial for users to maintain awareness of cybersecurity threats and adopt preventive measures to safeguard their personal information effectively. As digital technology continues to evolve, striking a balance between convenience and security will remain essential for ensuring a positive digital experience.