Many people put their personal information online (address, telephone number,…) for everyday activities such as socializing on social networks or banking purposes. Do you think it is a positive or negative development? (Positive or Negative)

The digital revolution has been offering many enormous amenities to humanity across various aspects of life, as growing numbers of individuals from many parts of the world have submitted their personal data to online platforms for everyday convenience. This can be seen from communicating on social networking sites and using banking services. From my perspective, I strongly believe that the drawbacks of this phenomenal development could totally outweigh the benefits, which are detailed below.
To commence with, there is some compelling evidence supporting my statement mentioned. First and foremost, it raises significant concerns about the security of personal information on a worldwide scale. Undoubtedly, hackers could exploit their victims’ lack of awareness and knowledge of cybersecurity or vulnerabilities of the database system to steal unauthorized access and use personal information for illicit gain. Another noteworthy point is that it leads to potential violations of human rights, as an individual’s personal information and private life could be observed and monitored by third parties. Because they may misuse personal data by trading their customers’ data through their negligence, it could result in the erosion of trust since citizens may feel less secure and less willing to engage with authorities if they know their personal data can be accessed by outside entities.
Nevertheless, I do not deny the immense benefits of this development, as it is one of the inevitable consequences of the modernization progress. First, providing personal information to applications and websites which are essential for modern needs, such as communication on social networking sites or online payments, can help users save time. Thanks to the digital advancement, it enables modern people to maintain relationships as well as do transactions beyond the geological limitations. Additionally, it also inadvertently improves the environment, as it mitigates the costs of transportation and printing invoices, which appear less possible for the conventional ways of communication and banking systems.
To sum up, I contend that this development could be far more disadvantageous due to some reasons outlined. Also, it does not mean boycotting the amenities it could bring to modern life; however, people should be discerning and assertive when deciding to join any online platform or register any banking service.

Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng

"The digital revolution has been offering many enormous amenities" -> "The digital revolution has provided numerous significant benefits"
Explanation: Replacing "offering many enormous amenities" with "provided numerous significant benefits" refines the language by using more precise and formal vocabulary appropriate for academic writing. "Numerous" and "significant" are more specific and academically suitable than "many" and "enormous," which can be seen as vague and colloquial.
"growing numbers of individuals from many parts of the world" -> "increasing numbers of individuals from diverse global regions"
Explanation: "Increasing numbers of individuals from diverse global regions" is more precise and formal, replacing the less specific "growing numbers of individuals from many parts of the world." This revision enhances the academic tone by using more precise geographical terminology.
"communicating on social networking sites and using banking services" -> "engaging in online communication and utilizing banking services"
Explanation: "Engaging in online communication and utilizing banking services" is more formal and precise, replacing the more casual "communicating on social networking sites and using banking services." This change aligns better with academic style by using more formal verbs and phrases.
"the drawbacks of this phenomenal development could totally outweigh the benefits" -> "the drawbacks of this significant development may outweigh the benefits"
Explanation: Changing "could totally" to "may" softens the certainty of the statement, which is more appropriate in academic writing where assertions should be tempered with caution. "Significant" is also preferred over "phenomenal" for its neutrality and formality.
"there is some compelling evidence supporting my statement mentioned" -> "there is some compelling evidence supporting this assertion"
Explanation: "This assertion" is more precise and formal than "my statement mentioned," which is awkward and informal. This revision clarifies the reference and enhances the academic tone.
"hackers could exploit their victims’ lack of awareness" -> "hackers could exploit users’ lack of awareness"
Explanation: Replacing "their victims" with "users" removes the emotional connotation of "victims," which is too strong for an academic context. "Users" is neutral and appropriate for discussing technical issues.
"leads to potential violations of human rights" -> "may lead to potential violations of human rights"
Explanation: Adding "may" softens the statement, aligning it with the cautious tone expected in academic writing, where absolute certainty is rarely claimed.
"it could result in the erosion of trust" -> "this could lead to erosion of trust"
Explanation: "This could lead to erosion of trust" is more concise and formal, improving the flow and clarity of the sentence while maintaining the academic tone.
"it is one of the inevitable consequences of the modernization progress" -> "it is an inevitable consequence of modernization"
Explanation: Simplifying "the modernization progress" to "modernization" removes redundancy and enhances the formality of the statement, aligning it better with academic style.
"providing personal information to applications and websites which are essential for modern needs" -> "providing personal information to applications and websites that are essential for modern needs"
Explanation: Adding "that" after "websites" corrects the grammatical structure, making the sentence grammatically correct and more formal.
"Thanks to the digital advancement" -> "thanks to the digital advancements"
Explanation: Changing "advancement" to "advancements" corrects the plural form to match the plural context, enhancing grammatical accuracy and formality.
"it mitigates the costs of transportation and printing invoices" -> "it reduces the costs of transportation and printing invoices"
Explanation: "Reduces" is a more precise verb than "mitigates" in this context, as it directly addresses the decrease in costs, making the statement clearer and more appropriate for an academic discussion.

Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Task Response: 8

Answer All Parts of the Question:
- Detailed explanation: The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative aspects of sharing personal information online. The author clearly states a position that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits, which is supported by relevant examples. The introduction sets the stage for the discussion, and the body paragraphs provide a balanced view, mentioning both sides before concluding with a strong stance against the practice. However, while the essay mentions benefits, it could provide more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the positive argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the response, the author could include more concrete examples of the benefits of sharing personal information, such as specific conveniences or advancements that have resulted from this practice. This would create a more rounded argument and demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic.
Present a Clear Position Throughout:
- Detailed explanation: The essay maintains a clear position that the negative aspects of sharing personal information online outweigh the positives. This is consistent throughout the essay, with the author reiterating their viewpoint in both the introduction and conclusion. However, the transition between discussing the negative and positive aspects could be smoother to reinforce the central argument.
- How to improve: To improve clarity, the author could use transitional phrases that explicitly link the discussion of the positive aspects back to the main argument. For example, after discussing the benefits, they could explicitly state how these benefits are overshadowed by the risks, reinforcing their position.
Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents several ideas regarding the risks of sharing personal information, such as security concerns and potential human rights violations. These ideas are well-developed and supported with logical reasoning. However, the section discussing the benefits is less detailed and lacks specific examples or statistics that could strengthen the argument.
- How to improve: To enhance the development of ideas, the author should aim to provide specific examples or case studies that illustrate the benefits of sharing personal information. Additionally, including statistics on data breaches or public sentiment regarding online privacy could provide a more robust support for the negative aspects discussed.
Stay on Topic:
- Detailed explanation: The essay remains focused on the topic throughout, addressing the implications of sharing personal information online. The author skillfully navigates the discussion without deviating from the central theme. However, there are moments where the language could be more precise, particularly in the discussion of benefits, which could lead to slight ambiguity regarding the overall stance.
- How to improve: To maintain focus, the author should ensure that every point made directly ties back to the central question of whether sharing personal information is a positive or negative development. This could involve explicitly linking benefits back to the main argument about the risks, ensuring that every part of the essay contributes to the overall thesis.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic and effectively communicates the author’s viewpoint. By incorporating more specific examples and ensuring smoother transitions, the author can further enhance the clarity and depth of their argument.

Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:
- Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear argument regarding the negative aspects of sharing personal information online, followed by a recognition of the benefits. The introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion, and the points are generally organized in a logical manner. However, the transition between the negative and positive aspects could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing security concerns to acknowledging the benefits feels abrupt, which could confuse readers about the overall argument structure.
- How to improve: To enhance logical flow, consider using transitional phrases that explicitly indicate a shift in perspective, such as "On the other hand" or "Conversely." Additionally, structuring the essay with clear topic sentences for each paragraph can help guide the reader through the argument more effectively.
Use Paragraphs:
- Detailed explanation: The essay is divided into paragraphs, each addressing different aspects of the argument. The first paragraph introduces the topic and the writer’s stance, while subsequent paragraphs explore specific points. However, the second paragraph is quite dense and could benefit from further subdivision to improve readability and focus on individual ideas more clearly.
- How to improve: Consider breaking the second paragraph into two separate paragraphs: one focusing on security concerns and the other on human rights violations. This will allow for a more in-depth discussion of each point and improve clarity. Each paragraph should ideally start with a clear topic sentence that summarizes the main idea.
Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:
- Detailed explanation: The essay employs a variety of cohesive devices, such as "first and foremost," "undoubtedly," and "to sum up," which help to connect ideas and guide the reader. However, the use of cohesive devices could be more varied. For instance, the phrase "another noteworthy point" is somewhat repetitive, and the essay could benefit from a broader range of linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion.
- How to improve: Diversify the cohesive devices used by incorporating synonyms or alternative phrases. For example, instead of repeatedly using "another noteworthy point," consider phrases like "additionally," "furthermore," or "in addition." Additionally, using reference words (e.g., "this," "these") can help to create connections between sentences and paragraphs, reinforcing the overall cohesion of the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents a coherent argument, improvements in logical organization, paragraph structure, and the variety of cohesive devices would enhance the clarity and effectiveness of the writing.

Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 7

Band Score for Lexical Resource: 7

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary, with terms such as "digital revolution," "amenities," "illicit gain," and "erosion of trust." These words effectively convey complex ideas and contribute to the overall clarity of the argument. However, there are instances where the vocabulary could be more varied. For example, the phrase "personal information" is repeated multiple times, which could have been substituted with synonyms or paraphrased to enhance lexical variety.
- How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of synonyms and phrases. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "personal information," alternatives like "private data," "individual details," or "sensitive information" could be employed. Additionally, exploring more sophisticated vocabulary related to the topic, such as "data privacy," "cybersecurity threats," or "digital footprint," would further enrich the essay.
Use Vocabulary Precisely:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally uses vocabulary accurately, but there are moments where imprecision can lead to confusion. For example, the phrase "the drawbacks of this phenomenal development could totally outweigh the benefits" uses "totally," which is somewhat informal and could be replaced with a more academic term like "significantly" or "substantially." Additionally, the phrase "the geological limitations" appears to be a typographical error; "geographical" would be the correct term in this context.
- How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on selecting words that accurately reflect the intended meaning. Reviewing vocabulary choices for formality and appropriateness in an academic context is crucial. Furthermore, proofreading for typographical errors and ensuring that terms are used correctly will improve clarity and precision.
Use Correct Spelling:
- Detailed explanation: The spelling in the essay is largely accurate, with only minor issues. However, the term "geological" is incorrectly used instead of "geographical," which indicates a lack of attention to detail. Such errors can detract from the overall professionalism of the writing.
- How to improve: To improve spelling accuracy, the writer should adopt a systematic approach to proofreading. Reading the essay aloud can help catch errors that might be overlooked during silent reading. Additionally, using spell-check tools and maintaining a personal list of commonly misspelled words can aid in avoiding similar mistakes in future essays.

Overall, the essay demonstrates a solid command of vocabulary, but with targeted improvements in variety, precision, and spelling, the writer could enhance their Lexical Resource score further.

Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 8

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 8

Use a Wide Range of Structures:
- Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a commendable variety of sentence structures. For instance, the use of complex sentences such as "Undoubtedly, hackers could exploit their victims’ lack of awareness and knowledge of cybersecurity or vulnerabilities of the database system to steal unauthorized access and use personal information for illicit gain" showcases the writer’s ability to convey intricate ideas effectively. Additionally, the essay includes a mix of simple and compound sentences, which contributes to the overall fluency and coherence. However, there are instances where sentence structures could be further diversified. For example, the phrase "as it is one of the inevitable consequences of the modernization progress" could be rephrased to avoid repetitive sentence beginnings.
- How to improve: To enhance the variety of sentence structures, the writer could incorporate more introductory phrases or clauses, such as "In light of this," or "Considering the implications," to begin sentences. Additionally, varying the placement of adverbial phrases can create more dynamic sentence constructions. Practicing the use of inversion or conditional clauses could also add depth to the writing.
Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:
- Detailed explanation: The essay generally exhibits a high level of grammatical accuracy, with only minor errors present. For instance, the phrase "which appear less possible for the conventional ways of communication and banking systems" could be more clearly expressed as "which are less feasible with conventional methods of communication and banking." Punctuation is mostly correct, with appropriate use of commas to separate clauses and phrases, although there are a few instances where additional commas could enhance clarity, such as before "as well as" in "to maintain relationships as well as do transactions."
- How to improve: To further improve grammatical accuracy, the writer should focus on refining complex sentences to ensure clarity and coherence. It would be beneficial to review the rules regarding the use of commas, especially in compound and complex sentences, to avoid run-on sentences or comma splices. Regular practice with grammar exercises and seeking feedback on sentence constructions can also help in identifying and correcting subtle errors.

Overall, the essay is well-structured and effectively communicates the writer’s perspective. By continuing to diversify sentence structures and honing grammatical accuracy, the writer can aim for an even higher band score in future writing tasks.

Bài sửa mẫu

The digital revolution has provided numerous significant benefits to humanity across various aspects of life, as increasing numbers of individuals from diverse global regions have submitted their personal data to online platforms for everyday convenience. This can be observed in activities such as engaging in online communication on social networking sites and utilizing banking services. From my perspective, I strongly believe that the drawbacks of this significant development may outweigh the benefits, which are detailed below.

To commence with, there is some compelling evidence supporting this assertion. First and foremost, it raises significant concerns about the security of personal information on a global scale. Undoubtedly, hackers could exploit users’ lack of awareness and knowledge of cybersecurity or vulnerabilities in database systems to gain unauthorized access and use personal information for illicit purposes. Another noteworthy point is that it may lead to potential violations of human rights, as an individual’s personal information and private life could be observed and monitored by third parties. If personal data is misused or traded through negligence, this could result in an erosion of trust, as citizens may feel less secure and less willing to engage with authorities if they know their personal data can be accessed by outside entities.

Nevertheless, I do not deny the immense benefits of this development, as it is an inevitable consequence of modernization. First, providing personal information to applications and websites that are essential for modern needs, such as communication on social networking sites or online payments, can help users save time. Thanks to digital advancements, it enables modern individuals to maintain relationships and conduct transactions beyond geographical limitations. Additionally, it also inadvertently improves the environment, as it reduces the costs of transportation and printing invoices, which are less feasible with conventional methods of communication and banking systems.

To sum up, I contend that this development could be far more disadvantageous due to the reasons outlined. However, this does not mean boycotting the amenities it could bring to modern life; rather, people should be discerning and assertive when deciding to join any online platform or register for any banking service.