Many people say that today there is a general increase in antisocial behavior and lack of respect for others. What might have caused this situation, and what can be done to improve it?
In recent years, there has been a noticeable rise in antisocial manners, and getting rid of admiration for others is prevalent in the 21st century. This essay will look at the core reasons for this and propose some solid solutions.
One of the main causes of the problem is that some individuals are habituated to media consumption in the form of trending videos, but there is noticeably little content that features positive manners. It is easy to garble the definition of reality between people, they will have various types of looks at others’ way of acting and think that respect for other people does not play a crucial role in their lives, especially children and teenagers.
On the other hand, it depends on the parent’s education for their kids. The lack of discipline from parents to children plays a role as well. Some parents are too careless or too tolerant with their offspring, leading to a general reluctance to straighten out children’s behavior. For instance, when a junior does something that affects someone’s items, their parent will pretend not to see and act like their child is not doing something wrong and argue with that individual. That kid will not see their mistakes and continue to unrespect other people.
To tackle this issue, decreasing the screen time of kids or individuals and educating them are parents’ responsibilities. All the videos on social media also have both sides, we should know which one is good for us and restrict harmful content for human behaviors. Respecting others is the most vital thing that parents should teach their children and individuals also must have this type of personality.
Gợi ý nâng cấp từ vựng
"getting rid of admiration for others" -> "diminishing respect for others"
Explanation: Replacing "getting rid of admiration for others" with "diminishing respect for others" conveys the idea more formally and precisely, avoiding the colloquial tone.
"garble the definition of reality between people" -> "blur the perception of reality among individuals"
Explanation: "Garble the definition of reality between people" is unclear and informal. "Blur the perception of reality among individuals" is more formal and clearly expresses the concept.
"straighten out children’s behavior" -> "instill discipline in children’s behavior"
Explanation: "Straighten out children’s behavior" is informal. "Instill discipline in children’s behavior" is a more suitable and formal choice.
"unrespect other people" -> "disrespect others"
Explanation: "Unrespect" is not a standard word. "Disrespect others" is the correct phrase to use in an academic context.
"decreasing the screen time of kids or individuals" -> "reducing screen time for children and individuals"
Explanation: "Decreasing the screen time of kids or individuals" can be made more formal and concise by using "reducing screen time for children and individuals."
"Respecting others is the most vital thing" -> "Valuing respect for others is of paramount importance"
Explanation: "Respecting others is the most vital thing" lacks formality and precision. "Valuing respect for others is of paramount importance" is a more appropriate expression for an academic essay.
Band điểm Task Response ước lượng: 5
Band Score: 5.0
Quoted text: "In recent years, there has been a noticeable rise in antisocial manners, and getting rid of admiration for others is prevalent in the 21st century."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: The introduction of the essay lacks clarity and conciseness in presenting the writer’s position. It mentions a rise in antisocial manners but doesn’t clearly state whether the writer agrees or disagrees with this statement. To improve, the writer should clearly state their position in the introduction, making it evident whether they agree or disagree with the prompt statement. For instance, "In recent years, there has been a noticeable rise in antisocial behaviors, and I believe this decline in respect for others is a concerning trend in the 21st century."
- Improved example: "In recent years, there has been a noticeable rise in antisocial behaviors, and I believe this decline in respect for others is a concerning trend in the 21st century. This essay will examine the reasons behind this trend and propose effective solutions."
Quoted text: "It is easy to garble the definition of reality between people, they will have various types of looks at others’ way of acting and think that respect for other people does not play a crucial role in their lives, especially children and teenagers."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: This passage is somewhat unclear and lacks specificity. It discusses the blurring of reality and how people perceive others’ behavior, especially in the case of children and teenagers. To enhance clarity and relevance, the writer should provide concrete examples or scenarios that illustrate this point. For example, they could mention how excessive exposure to online content can distort young people’s perceptions of respectful behavior.
- Improved example: "The constant exposure to unrealistic portrayals of behavior in media can distort people’s perception of reality. For instance, children and teenagers who spend excessive time watching unrealistic videos on social media platforms may develop skewed views of what constitutes respectful behavior."
Quoted text: "On the other hand, it depends on the parent’s education for their kids. The lack of discipline from parents to children plays a role as well."
- Explanation and Suggestions for Improvement: While the writer addresses the role of parental education and discipline, this point lacks depth and specificity. To improve, the writer should provide specific examples or anecdotes that illustrate how parental education and discipline (or lack thereof) influence children’s behavior and attitudes towards respect. This would make the argument more persuasive and relevant.
- Improved example: "Parental education and discipline play a pivotal role in shaping a child’s understanding of respect. For instance, parents who consistently model respectful behavior and set clear expectations for their children are more likely to raise respectful individuals. In contrast, parents who neglect discipline may inadvertently contribute to their child’s disregard for others."
Overall, the essay partially addresses the task but lacks depth and clarity in its argumentation. To improve, the writer should focus on providing specific examples and illustrations to support their points, and ensure that their position is clearly stated in the introduction.
Band điểm Coherence & Cohesion ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates some coherence and cohesion, but there are areas where improvements can be made. It maintains a clear overall progression of ideas, starting with the identification of the problem and its causes and then suggesting solutions. Each paragraph presents a central topic, with the first addressing media consumption and the second discussing parenting. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and sentence-level cohesion. For instance, transitions between ideas could be smoother, and there are instances where the flow of ideas feels somewhat mechanical. For example, the transition from discussing media consumption to parenting lacks seamless cohesion.
How to improve:
Use Transition Words: Incorporate more transition words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs smoothly. For instance, phrases like "Furthermore," or "In addition" can help readers follow the logical flow of your arguments.
Vary Sentence Structure: Work on sentence-level cohesion by varying sentence structures and using more complex sentences when appropriate. This can improve the flow of ideas within and between sentences.
Clarify Pronoun References: Ensure that pronoun references are clear and unambiguous. For example, in the sentence "That kid will not see their mistakes and continue to disrespect other people," it’s not clear who "their" refers to. Use specific nouns to avoid confusion.
Proofread for Clarity: Proofreading can help eliminate minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing, which can enhance overall coherence and cohesion.
Expand on Ideas: Provide more detailed explanations and examples to support your arguments. This can strengthen the connection between your ideas and make your essay more cohesive.
By implementing these improvements, you can enhance the coherence and cohesion of your essay and potentially achieve a higher band score in this criterion.
Band điểm Lexical Resource ước lượng: 6
Band Score: 6.0
The essay demonstrates an adequate range of vocabulary for the task, with some attempts to use less common vocabulary. There is an effort to convey the ideas, but some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation are noticeable. While the essay generally maintains clarity and coherence, it occasionally lacks precision in conveying meanings. Spelling and word formation errors are present but do not significantly impede communication.
How to improve:
- Enhance vocabulary variety: To achieve a higher band score, the essay should incorporate a wider range of vocabulary. This can be accomplished by using more diverse and sophisticated lexical items.
- Improve word choice and collocation: Work on using uncommon lexical items more accurately and in appropriate collocations to convey precise meanings.
- Address spelling and word formation errors: Careful proofreading and attention to spelling and word formation will help reduce errors and improve overall clarity.
Overall, the essay exhibits potential but requires refinement in vocabulary usage, precision in word choice, and careful proofreading to attain a higher band score.
Band điểm Grammatical Range & Accuracy ước lượng: 7
Band Score: 7.0
The essay demonstrates a good level of grammatical range and accuracy. It makes use of a variety of complex sentence structures and exhibits control over grammar and punctuation. The majority of sentences are error-free, and there are only a few minor errors or inappropriacies. The essay effectively conveys its message without significant grammatical hindrances.
How to improve:
- While the essay generally uses complex sentence structures, some sentences could be further refined for clarity and coherence. It would benefit from a more consistent application of complex structures throughout.
- There are occasional minor errors in grammar and punctuation. A careful proofreading can help eliminate these errors and improve overall accuracy.
- The essay could provide more specific examples and evidence to support its points, enhancing the depth of the argument and making it more persuasive.
Overall, the essay falls within the Band 7 range due to its good use of complex structures, decent control of grammar and punctuation, and minor errors that do not significantly hinder comprehension.
Bài sửa mẫu
In recent years, there has been a noticeable increase in antisocial behavior and a decline in respect for others in the 21st century. This essay will examine the main reasons behind this trend and propose some practical solutions.
One of the primary causes of this issue is the excessive consumption of trending videos and media content that often lacks positive examples of behavior. This widespread exposure to such content blurs the line between reality and fiction, leading individuals to develop skewed perceptions of how they should interact with others. This is particularly true for children and teenagers, who may not fully grasp the importance of respecting others.
Furthermore, the role of parental upbringing cannot be overlooked. The lack of discipline and guidance from parents contributes significantly to this problem. Some parents are either too negligent or excessively permissive with their children, failing to correct their misbehavior. For instance, when a child behaves inappropriately and affects someone else’s belongings, some parents choose to ignore the situation and even argue in defense of their child’s actions. This lack of accountability prevents the child from recognizing their mistakes and continues the cycle of disrespect towards others.
To address this issue, it is crucial for parents to take responsibility by limiting their children’s screen time and providing proper education. It is essential to discern between the content available on social media, identifying what is beneficial and what is harmful to human behavior. Teaching respect for others should be a top priority for parents, and individuals themselves should strive to cultivate this essential quality in their personalities.
In conclusion, the rise in antisocial behavior and the decline in respect for others can be attributed to various factors, including media influence and inadequate parenting. To improve this situation, parents must monitor and guide their children’s media consumption, ensuring they learn positive values and respect for others. Additionally, individuals should actively cultivate a respectful attitude towards others, recognizing its significance in creating a harmonious society.